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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  October, 2010 One Week Challenge  /  Tomorrow II: Dusklight - OWC
Posted by: Don, October 15th, 2010, 8:03pm
Tomorrow II: Dusklight by R. E. McManus (rendevous) - Short, Horror - Hugh's back. Sore. Goes home. To a dump with an auld man in it. It ain't gonna be pretty. - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Murphy (Guest), October 16th, 2010, 12:19am; Reply: 1
This is a decent script, nicely written, especially the first few pages. I liked how you created some questions early on, I found myself wanting to read on just to find out what was going on. It was funny, the dialogue was nice, well at least it felt natural for the most part and appeared to have some subtext.

My only real problem with it is that I am not really sure I know what was going on, It seems be that this could be interpreted in a few different ways. I could well have missed something so will be interesting to see other comments and then come back to read it again.

Who was Lizzy?

Despite this it was a solid effort for my first OWC read, again, very nicely written.

Nice One.
Posted by: rendevous, October 16th, 2010, 1:53am; Reply: 2
Thanks Murph,

I'm got a screenplay to read then I'm gonna read the other OWC scripts this weekend. About time I read and reviewed, rather than just wrote and cracked jokes. Note: I didn't say my jokes were any good. Of course not, they are hilarious.

Ever since I came to Eire as a little kid someone else dies. It's nearly always old age. This time it was Lizzy. In 1987 we came to Ireland three times. Each time a Lizzy I didn't personally know had died. Each time we had to go the funeral. Great way to spend a holiday, at funerals. Who do they think I am, Morrissey?

When we returned the next year I asked everyone "Is Lizzy dead again?". It didn't go down to well. Ho hum. Sorry, in joke. But now you know.

I'd like to think you don't know what's going on when you first watched Momento either. I didn't. There's many ways it could be viewed. That's my excuse. I'm sticking to it.

Take it you've entered, M. If so I'll be reading yours in return this weekend.

Now, I must go and visit Lizzy's grave. But which one?

R ox



Posted by: Baltis. (Guest), October 16th, 2010, 1:58am; Reply: 3
Reading it now... Will comment after finished.  I kept seeing II and passing it up because I didn't think it was an OWC script.  Definitely be back with thoughts... I read the 1st one, by the way and really loved it.  It was very short, but very good.

Be back with thoughts in this spot soon --

Alright, so... strange... It's written with a sharp, fluid, grasp.  And it largely meets the challenge, but as Murphy above me had said I don't really know what's going on at any given time.  I failed to comment on the 1st entry, which used Hugh as well, but it's such a moving piece that this kind of diminishes that.  Never canceling each-other out to be sure.

I gather the story in the fragments you've given and you're very clever in how you conduct yourself here and in your work.  Be assured in that.  I'm gonna definitely going to have to read it again... Maybe two more times.  Easily, out of the 6 I've read, the most bizarre.

6 scripts down.
Posted by: mcornetto (Guest), October 16th, 2010, 3:38am; Reply: 4
I didn't read the first one of these so I'm commenting blindly.

I thought the dialogue was excellent but you always do good dialogue R.   There wasn't much of a story here though, more of a slice of life, but that again is very like the previous works of yours that I've read.

What I didn't like about this was the staccato action.  Some of it is ok.  And more of it is ok if heavy action is happening but I don't think it was really all that appropriate for what you had going on in the script and sometimes it was distracting.  

Also, if you are going to have a dog as a character, please introduce it. I don't know how long it took me to get past the paragraph where the dog first came into play but it took me much longer than it should have.

You do the same with the cat but you treat it more like a prop in the story so I didn't mind as much.  Whereas the dog is a character and it should be introduced.  

Anyway, I'll give you an excellent on dialogue but I think this needs more of story and less staccato action for it to be a really effective screenplay.
Posted by: stebrown, October 16th, 2010, 4:50am; Reply: 5
Ren, I really liked the banter between Phil and Hugh. Very natural and funny. It's clear that they've known each other for a very long time.

The descriptions were a little bit too much for me. You write them well but I just think you put too many details in. Each to their own though, as they say.

Not too sure what the premise was here. Didn't really seem to be horror for me.

Fun read though.

Ste
Posted by: stevie, October 16th, 2010, 5:48am; Reply: 6
Hi RV. I read this and honestly don't any idea what it was meant to be!

It wasn't horror at all so didn't meet the criteria, and the house wasn't really abandoned or rundown - well, maybe a little.

The whoel Irish feel was charming I guess but it doesn't have anything to do with the challenge.

Cheers stevie
Posted by: rendevous, October 16th, 2010, 5:57am; Reply: 7
I'll get back t you individually here.

First things last so...

Stevie. It's obvious you're a block. An Australian one too. From your post I can see empathy with the lasses is not a strong point.

Poor old Matilda. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. You may not think it horror, but she does. She's from the city. She's with a man who she trusts. He brings her on holiday, to an auld house in the middle of nowhere.

Whatever my script is, romantic comedy it certainly ain't. And the night was stormy, for Matilda at least. Every bloody night is stormy in rural Ireland. And it's always raining.

I beg your pardon, it was abandoned once. All country houses are. They used to close the door behind them and head to your place or The US or The UK. So there. You macho dingo you. Sorry, Ringo. Love ya. Read again. With I Am The Walrus on.

L&P

R ox
Posted by: stevie, October 16th, 2010, 6:42am; Reply: 8
Hi RV. I'll give it another read tomorrow (Sunday), when my brain isn't mush. It's been a hard day's night at the supermarket, fronm 11am till 7 pm, after working 8 till midnight last night - not that i'm whinging or anything!!!

By the way, what is your fave Lennon Beatle song/ Or fave Beatle song per se?

See u round like a rissole...
Posted by: Violent Josh, October 16th, 2010, 6:54am; Reply: 9
I liked it, Ren. It did seem like a slice of life more than a horror short, but I never read the first Tomorrow (is there one?) so that could be it.

While the accents were a bit tough to read at first, I got used to it quickly.

The relationship between Hugh and Phil was excellent, as well as their parting conversation.

Overall, it seemed like a small part of a longer saga (it could be, for all I know), but I enjoyed this part of it.
Posted by: screenrider (Guest), October 16th, 2010, 8:53am; Reply: 10
I'm not sure what happened.  But I think Phil slipped Matilta a roofie or gassed her so he could have his way with her.  Hugh provides Phil with ladies.  I dunno.   Tomorrow was brilliant -- this one not so brilliant.  Lucy, joo got some esplainin' to do.

Posted by: rendevous, October 16th, 2010, 9:33am; Reply: 11

Quoted from Murphy
This is a decent script, nicely written, especially the first few pages. I liked how you created some questions early on, I found myself wanting to read on just to find out what was going on. It was funny, the dialogue was nice, well at least it felt natural for the most part and appeared to have some subtext.

My only real problem with it is that I am not really sure I know what was going on, It seems be that this could be interpreted in a few different ways...

...Despite this it was a solid effort for my first OWC read, again, very nicely written.

Nice One.


Indeed it could Murph, such was my aim. I've always hated writing straightforward scripts. Seeing as my favourite films at the mo still are 2001, Memento, Following, Moon and Solaris.

Don't get me wrong I love Coen's Miller's Crossing and The Big Dude Lebowski.

But this script is horror. Just depends on your point of view. Right, I have life in the way again. If I read others today I'll just not do it properly as my mind is elsewhere. Tomorrow (ahem) I intend to read all properly with a clear objective mind.

For those who care there is a Tomorrow I starring Hugh here.

Many thanks, M. Look forward to reading yours.

I'll respond to the others in a few hours. Have you ever lived in a house where nothing seems to be where you left it? At least there's not an auld weirdo in a wheelchair rolling about. Still, the day is young, and the night is yet to start.

R ox
Posted by: Trojan, October 16th, 2010, 11:54am; Reply: 12
Didn't understand what your first scene header meant, guessing it's some place in Ireland. Still, everything that came after EXT. was lost on me.

Dialogue was good at capturing that region I felt. Not too sure what was happening in the story though after she hit her head. How did she end up in Phil's bed? Kinda ambiguous overall but I guess that's how you like it. Wouldn't classify it as horror though. Was there a dark and stormy night anywhere in here?

Few minor typos and mistakes, you first introudce her as MATILTA in case you hadn't already spotted it. Well done on completing the challenge.

Cheers,
Tim.
Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), October 16th, 2010, 11:54am; Reply: 13
I felt very confused after reading this.  I really don't know what was going on, and I don't think it was a horror-genred script.

The characters of this piece were the strong suits.  Phil and Hugh were very well developed, much more than Matilda.  Dialog flowed very nicely.  You're good with banter.


Phil
Posted by: grademan, October 16th, 2010, 11:59am; Reply: 14
RV,

I liked it… right up until the end. I enjoyed the dialogue, the characters, and wondered what I missed in Part I.  The ending didn’t make much sense to me. I think I need some of that stuff Phil was drinking.

More of a mystery really.

Gary
Posted by: Electric Dreamer, October 16th, 2010, 12:33pm; Reply: 15
Ren,

Good on you for completing the one week challenge!
I was excited to see another story with Hugh, I enjoyed the first one.

However, I didn't really quite follow the story here.
Seems to me that Matilta/Matilda is the victim of a couple of sexual predators?
I assume she was drugged? That led to heart attack comments and toilet stuff?

Poor Matilda, I felt awful for her.
Hugh and Phil's dialogue was good, but I thought they were wankers.
If that's what you were going for, then it worked.
I didn't get all the Irish/British idioms, but I gathered they were trash talking her.

As to challenge guidelines...
Didn't pick up any references to the date.
The house works fine as the wheelchair and characters.
I guess Matilda went through horror, so that's covered.

Thanks for the read.

Regards,
E.D.
Posted by: TheBoyWonder, October 16th, 2010, 1:37pm; Reply: 16
First and foremost: I'm confused. I take it that's what you were going for. Honestly, I like a movie, or script in this case, that makes the audience think but this didn't give enough to figure out what the hell happened. Didn't feel like horror too much either, not that there is anything wrong with it. However, for the challenge, I think it was a bad decision. I wasn't too crazy over the story but that's just a matter of opinion. It may have something to do with the difference in culture, me being American yet, I don't know exactly why I wasn't fond of this story. It just didn't interest me.

-Trent
Posted by: rendevous, October 16th, 2010, 1:39pm; Reply: 17
Alright. Imagine it said in a Freddie Mercury / Jimi Henrix way.

I'd reply and read more but I'm half cut on something. It was while I was cooking dinner. Shoulda put the wine in the dinner and not in me. Then the dinner burned and now its in the dog. Didn't miss much. He's still only ate half of it. So, on auto...

Poteen - pronounced Pocheen. Made from potatoes. 100% proof. Never had it, but you could run your car on it, or truck. And you don't need to clean your tongue or teeth after drinking it. Could floor a horse.

Slainte - pronounced Slaunscha. Drinking term. (naturally pronunciations vary depending on locale). Just means Cheers, or Good Health.

Slag - common use term to describe a brasser. Sorry, arse about tit there. You know what a slag is. I changed it in draft two. Er, onward...

The Free State - old term used to describe the south of Ireland once it became an state independent of England and ruled from Dublin.

Dowra - a small town close to my heart.

More when I'm sober. At this rate that may be November.

Slan...

Arse!

Up Eire!

R ox
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), October 16th, 2010, 2:08pm; Reply: 18
Ren, sorry to say, but I'm not going to be able to get through this.  Made it to page 3, and that's it.

Almost completely clueless as to what's going on, based on your writing...but I'm sure that's the way you like it, just like in your almost impossible to understand posts.

Your opening Slug is a frickin' mess, obviously...no time of day, no clue what it's supposed to be saying.

It's very irritating to read this, based on that fact that you write in an odd, staccato style, like Cornie said.  You continually avoid using necessary words like "the", and others, making your 'sentences"...well, not real sentences.

I am not familiar with the original "Tomorrow", so maybe that's adding to why I have no clue what's going down.  Not sure.

As for the challenge, I don't see any abandoned house nor do I see a dark and stormy night, so based on those 2 oh so obvious oversights on your part, I'd bet this doesn't meet the requirements.  Other have said this isn't even horror, so looks like you missed on just about everything.  Oh well.

Congrats on completing a script, though.  Sorry I can't finish it.
Posted by: Grandma Bear, October 16th, 2010, 2:35pm; Reply: 19
I liked this one.

Loved the dialogue. I heard it in Irish in my head. I also loved the dream sequence with the animal's "voices" being of a different animal.

People seemed confused about this one. I saw it as Phil being a bit of a devil. Hugh brings him women. Phil slips them something. They have bizarre dreams while Phil has his way with them. Maybe that's just me, but that makes it a horror in my book.

The first sceneheading left me confused. You should at least tell us if it's night or day.

Good work. This one felt real to me while still managing to be a bit surreal.

Pia  :)
Posted by: greg, October 16th, 2010, 3:42pm; Reply: 20
Ren,

I don't think I've ever read anything from you.  This is a first!

Solidly written with pretty strong dialogue and imagery.  Two problems I had were 1) the pace was pretty slow.  A little too much chit chat to open up and 2) I felt lost half the time.  I never read the first one so I have no idea what this story was a sequel to, but I was just kind of left hanging at certain parts and trying to navigate through the story blindly.  I could describe to you what happens, but I can't really tell you what this was about.

You're a good writer, though.  I don't know if reading the first would clear things up or if this just needs more focus.  But good effort for a week.

Greg
Posted by: rendevous, October 16th, 2010, 4:28pm; Reply: 21
I only came home to change for a club. I feel like I'm 18 again.

Thank you Me. You noticed some things others didn't. Always a good sign.

DS, er yeah. Thanks! Love and peace, bro. Yeah.

Greg, a week? I did that one in two days, one day thinking, one day writing, or thereabouts. In a week I could write a series of Sopranos. Did I type that? In a month I couldn't write an episode. Now I gotta go, there are women looking at me funny. Nothing new there.

Until tomorrow. Part III after OWC. Love and kisses. Let's fuckin' rock.

R ox x
Posted by: jwent6688, October 16th, 2010, 6:06pm; Reply: 22
Ren,

Welcome back to the game. Always loved your writing style, though far too descriptive for my taste. I've adopted some of it, probably failed miserably.

HUGH
What the fuck now? And where the
hell’s that dozy... Where is she? - Always have a problem when people talks to themselves like that in film. Just doesn't seem realistic.

When you start your dream sequence I think you should tell us where we are.

Good dialogue. Always liked it.

Nope, didn't get it. Obviously this father and son operation is making pretty gals disappear, I just can't find the motivation. Or how him in a red cape on the mantle at the end ties anything together.

Needs a bit more then a bubbly toilet to make this horror. Good clean write though, for a fellow drunkard.

James
Posted by: rendevous, October 17th, 2010, 2:56am; Reply: 23

Quoted from Baltis.
... I read the 1st one, by the way and really loved it.  It was very short, but very good....

Alright, so... strange... It's written with a sharp, fluid, grasp.  And it largely meets the challenge, but as Murphy above me had said I don't really know what's going on at any given time.  I failed to comment on the 1st entry, which used Hugh as well, but it's such a moving piece that this kind of diminishes that.  Never canceling each-other out to be sure.

I gather the story in the fragments you've given and you're very clever in how you conduct yourself here and in your work.  Be assured in that.  I'm gonna definitely going to have to read it again... Maybe two more times.  Easily, out of the 6 I've read, the most bizarre...


Many thanks Balt. All being well I intend to spend the Sunday reading on the others. Rather than just promising to, as per.

Bizarre what what I was going for. I watched Existenz again the other week. Whilst it's not Cronenberg I wanted to write something that wasn't straightforward horror. So, I'm pleased you feel that way. And I like being clever, it seems to be working out for me. I note your posts are a lot calmer and more measured that they were before. We miss the old Balt. But we like the new one too.


Quoted from mcornetto
I didn't read the first one of these so I'm commenting blindly.

I thought the dialogue was excellent but you always do good dialogue R.   There wasn't much of a story here though, more of a slice of life, but that again is very like the previous works of yours that I've read.

What I didn't like about this was the staccato action.  Some of it is ok.  And more of it is ok if heavy action is happening but I don't think it was really all that appropriate for what you had going on in the script and sometimes it was distracting.  

Also, if you are going to have a dog as a character, please introduce it. I don't know how long it took me to get past the paragraph where the dog first came into play but it took me much longer than it should have.

You do the same with the cat but you treat it more like a prop in the story so I didn't mind as much.  Whereas the dog is a character and it should be introduced.  

Anyway, I'll give you an excellent on dialogue but I think this needs more of story and less staccato action for it to be a really effective screenplay.


I often comment blindly. But I'd say that in my case it's the alcohol and falling over cause it.

Hey McC, can't a fella have a dog in the background? I knew he wasn't gonna do much. But no-one else did. Staccato is my style these days. Short sentences. To the point. Clear, concise. You know. What I mean? Not to everyone's tastes.

I thought there was more of a story here. I'd say with some good actors the story would become a lot clearer on screen. I guessed most wouldn't be familiar with rural Ireland and all that's goes with it. That in itself for a horror seemed to be a good setting.

I take the compliments and criticisms in the spirit given. Many thanks, gentlemen. I'll find yours today to review. Now to read then later respond to all those folks who read.

R ox
Posted by: rendevous, October 17th, 2010, 8:05am; Reply: 24

Quoted from stevie
Hi RV. I'll give it another read tomorrow (Sunday), when my brain isn't mush. It's been a hard day's night at the supermarket, fronm 11am till 7 pm, after working 8 till midnight last night - not that i'm whinging or anything!!!

By the way, what is your fave Lennon Beatle song/ Or fave Beatle song per se?

See u round like a rissole...


Still in the super? Begorrah. I thought you'd be working for Apple Australia by now. You should be.

The song would usually be Come Together. But then again we got Hey Jude and Let It Be. And She Loves You. Take your pick. I like some of the less popular ones, but those four are still killers.

Rissole? Is that some insulting Ozzie slang? You winnet you. L&P


Quoted from stebrown
Ren, I really liked the banter between Phil and Hugh. Very natural and funny. It's clear that they've known each other for a very long time.

The descriptions were a little bit too much for me. You write them well but I just think you put too many details in. Each to their own though, as they say.

Not too sure what the premise was here. Didn't really seem to be horror for me.

Fun read though.

Ste


Too many descriptions... Maybe. Thought I'd better as it's a long way from most places, in many ways. The premise was Matilda on holiday with wheelchair boy and Hugh. Seems my dialogue is my strongest point.

Thanks for the read Ste. If you've entered OWC I'll review today or tomorrow.

R ox
Posted by: rendevous, October 17th, 2010, 8:19am; Reply: 25

Quoted from VJ
I liked it, Ren. It did seem like a slice of life more than a horror short, but I never read the first Tomorrow (is there one?) so that could be it.

While the accents were a bit tough to read at first, I got used to it quickly.

The relationship between Hugh and Phil was excellent, as well as their parting conversation.

Overall, it seemed like a small part of a longer saga (it could be, for all I know), but I enjoyed this part of it.


Thank you VJ. Hugh's gonna be around for a while. Glad you got the voices. Watch the Commitments or Intermission to get the sounds and lilts.


Quoted from SR
I'm not sure what happened.  But I think Phil slipped Matilta a roofie or gassed her so he could have his way with her.  Hugh provides Phil with ladies.  I dunno.   Tomorrow was brilliant -- this one not so brilliant.  Lucy, joo got some esplainin' to do.


A roofie? A bloke who fixes a roof? Nope, Hugh does not provide Phil with the ladies. Although that's one interpretation, not the intended.

Not so brilliant? I'd prefer to think this one is different. More light hearted.


Quoted from VJ
Didn't understand what your first scene header meant, guessing it's some place in Ireland. Still, everything that came after EXT. was lost on me.

Dialogue was good at capturing that region I felt. Not too sure what was happening in the story though after she hit her head. How did she end up in Phil's bed? Kinda ambiguous overall but I guess that's how you like it. Wouldn't classify it as horror though. Was there a dark and stormy night anywhere in here?

Few minor typos and mistakes, you first introudce her as MATILTA in case you hadn't already spotted it. Well done on completing the challenge.

Cheers,
Tim.


The first slug. Hang on, I'll have a look. Ah, well, two stories here. It's called Dusklight. It could be anytime, and it could be time delayed. In other words I implied it's dusk. Even I wouldn't set a horror on Halloween in bright daylight. Plus, it's rural Ireland. It's as dark during the day as it is at night round here. So there. Ahum.

Some place in Ireland? Okay it's not feckin' Dublin. I think it's very obviously a place in Eire. Becomes extremely clear as the script progresses. Definitely not Kansas.

How did she end up in Phil's bed? There are many possibilities. You decide.

As I've said previous, in Eire every night is dark and stormy. When you set a desert scene do you keep saying it's in the desert. I was being economical as there was a page count.

Obviously I defend myself. Pardon me if the friggin' mick doth protest too much. Ah, typos. Such is the influence of listening to the radio, Irish Wine and shite proofreading, Tim.

Thanks for the comments and reads, folks. To be returned.

R xo
Posted by: rendevous, October 17th, 2010, 9:19am; Reply: 26

Quoted from DG
I felt very confused after reading this.  I really don't know what was going on, and I don't think it was a horror-genred script.

The characters of this piece were the strong suits.  Phil and Hugh were very well developed, much more than Matilda.  Dialog flowed very nicely.  You're good with banter.


Phil


Confused? Good. I think it was, but opinions vary. Thanks for the comments about character and dialogue. After reading yours they carry some weight with me.


Quoted from GM
RV,

I liked it… right up until the end. I enjoyed the dialogue, the characters, and wondered what I missed in Part I.  The ending didn’t make much sense to me. I think I need some of that stuff Phil was drinking.

More of a mystery really.

Gary


Ah, didn't like the end? There was a few I dabbled with, the present one seemed the best to me. Trust me, if you drank what Phil was drinking you too would end up a bitter old man in a crap wheelchair in a field.

More of a mystery is about right, GM. Can't argue with that.

Usual sign off applies.

R xo
Posted by: rendevous, October 17th, 2010, 12:10pm; Reply: 27

Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Ren,

Good on you for completing the one week challenge!
I was excited to see another story with Hugh, I enjoyed the first one.

However, I didn't really quite follow the story here.


I believe there's a club being formed of people who don't really undertand my scripts. Automatic membership to The David Lynch Club is included with your fee.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Seems to me that Matilta/Matilda is the victim of a couple of sexual predators? I assume she was drugged? That led to heart attack comments and toilet stuff?

Poor Matilda, I felt awful for her.


Well, she wasn't drugged by anyone but herself. Nobody made her drink. And nobody lied. Heart attack? Think it was more of a posh in in rough flip out.


Quoted from ED
Hugh and Phil's dialogue was good, but I thought they were wankers.
If that's what you were going for, then it worked.
I didn't get all the Irish/British idioms, but I gathered they were trash talking her.


Thank you. Yes they were trashing, kinda. And yes, they are wankers, all blokes are, given the chance. They could have been worse. And Hugh and Phil have been through a lot.



Quoted from ED
As to challenge guidelines...
Didn't pick up any references to the date.
The house works fine as the wheelchair and characters.
I guess Matilda went through horror, so that's covered.

Thanks for the read.

Regards,
E.D.


In ireland they do go mad over Halloween. Out in a farmhouse in Dowra I doubt they would. There was gonna be a pumpkin and kids at the door but it was running over. Something had to go. Thank you for Saying what happened to Matilda was horror. Few others think so. But what do they know?


Quoted from TheBoyWonder
First and foremost: I'm confused. I take it that's what you were going for. Honestly, I like a movie, or script in this case, that makes the audience think but this didn't give enough to figure out what the hell happened. Didn't feel like horror too much either, not that there is anything wrong with it. However, for the challenge, I think it was a bad decision. I wasn't too crazy over the story but that's just a matter of opinion. It may have something to do with the difference in culture, me being American yet, I don't know exactly why I wasn't fond of this story. It just didn't interest me.

-Trent


Another confused one. Please joine the aforementioned club BW. And yes I was, perhaps not as much as I got. Ho hum.

Fair enough. At least you were honest. probably the type of thing that would come across better on film than on the page.

R xo
Posted by: rendevous, October 17th, 2010, 12:40pm; Reply: 28

Quoted from Grandma Bear
I liked this one.

Loved the dialogue. I heard it in Irish in my head. I also loved the dream sequence with the animal's "voices" being of a different animal.

People seemed confused about this one. I saw it as Phil being a bit of a devil. Hugh brings him women. Phil slips them something. They have bizarre dreams while Phil has his way with them. Maybe that's just me, but that makes it a horror in my book.

The first sceneheading left me confused. You should at least tell us if it's night or day.

Good work. This one felt real to me while still managing to be a bit surreal.

Pia  :)


Thank you Pia. I think that's about the best review I've ever had. Please tell me you know Fincher or Peter Jackson. Go on, please. If I had any money I'd pay you.


Quoted from greg
Ren,

I don't think I've ever read anything from you.  This is a first!

Solidly written with pretty strong dialogue and imagery.  Two problems I had were 1) the pace was pretty slow.  A little too much chit chat to open up and 2) I felt lost half the time.  I never read the first one so I have no idea what this story was a sequel to, but I was just kind of left hanging at certain parts and trying to navigate through the story blindly.  I could describe to you what happens, but I can't really tell you what this was about.

You're a good writer, though.  I don't know if reading the first would clear things up or if this just needs more focus.  But good effort for a week.

Greg


There's a fist time for everything, Greg. An RV virgin. Good luck. Head down, see you at the end... Even us straights have to play with the gay, occasionally. Ahem...

The only thing both Tomorrows have in common, at the moment, is Hugh. All will become clear later.

I've a certain style. In a screenplay there's only so much room before it becomes a novel. You have to imagine it. Obviously with this recent stuff of mine it'd help a lot if you're familiar with the Irish or foreign cultures in general. If not, well, confusion is likely. And I do tend to be not straightforward. Not if I can help it.

And I did in two days. God, I'm beginning to annoy even me. Sorry.


Quoted from jwent6688
Ren,

Welcome back to the game. Always loved your writing style, though far too descriptive for my taste. I've adopted some of it, probably failed miserably.

HUGH
What the fuck now? And where the
hell’s that dozy... Where is she? - Always have a problem when people talks to themselves like that in film. Just doesn't seem realistic.

When you start your dream sequence I think you should tell us where we are.

Good dialogue. Always liked it.

Nope, didn't get it. Obviously this father and son operation is making pretty gals disappear, I just can't find the motivation. Or how him in a red cape on the mantle at the end ties anything together.

Needs a bit more then a bubbly toilet to make this horror. Good clean write though, for a fellow drunkard.

James


I think, my dear drinky friend J, a good actor could easily pull off the dialogue you mentioned. Doddle.

Where you are? You're near the house. We're not allowed to leave. It's in the rules. Stop drinking the sink cleaning stuff.

Dissapear? We obviously operate in different pubs. Take your point though. But all out horror with dead bodies and slashing and all that ain't my bag. Psychological horror to me is far more effective. And you try spewling dat santance after a long drinky day.

Thanks all.

R xo
Posted by: Ledbetter (Guest), October 17th, 2010, 3:48pm; Reply: 29
rendevous
Read this one late last night when the only two people up were me and Jim Beam So I wanted to wait until today to post.

Nice read man. Very nice read. Really outside of the norn here. I have always enjoyed the twist you put to things on paper and this is no exception.

I did not read the first in the series. Is it here somewhere?

Good job!

Shawn.....><
Posted by: rendevous, October 17th, 2010, 5:32pm; Reply: 30
Check the portal.

Tomorrow, ahem, I'll add it to my sig. Good to hear from you Led, always is. You be good now, hey, you can be better than good. Just like me...

R ox
Posted by: stevie, October 17th, 2010, 8:04pm; Reply: 31
Hi RV. I re-read this as I promised. I sorta made some sense of it. It needs to stand alone prolly, away from the challenge.

Can't say I'm a fan of the staccato action, though I started doing this meself awhile back, after being influenced by you - however, I don't quite take it to the extent that you do.

As I said before, lovely Irish stuff going on here. That could be a prob to readers from other countries who aren't fam with the Emerald Isle prose.

Did I mention I have Irish blood? My mother was a Hayes. I have a mix of Scottish and German too, which prolly explains a fucking great deal...

cheers stevie

PS - She Loves You - one of my fave songs by the lads. Consdered by many to be the greatest pop song ever. Nearly 50 years on, it still has that wonderful energy...
Posted by: Coding Herman, October 17th, 2010, 9:55pm; Reply: 32
I'm not too sure what to make out of this. I didn't quite get the gist of the story either. A couple stays in Phil's (I assume he's Huge's father?) place for a night, Matilda got hurt, they left the next morning. Where's the horror?

Maybe it's just me, I didn't feel anything after reading it. Sorry.
Posted by: khamanna, October 17th, 2010, 11:24pm; Reply: 33
So Phil and Hugh are in a pact, Hugh supplies Phil with all the ladies?
Posted by: rendevous, October 18th, 2010, 2:20am; Reply: 34

Quoted from Stephen Winston Lennon McCartney Goebbels McCloud
Did I mention I have Irish blood? My mother was a Hayes. I have a mix of Scottish and German too, which prolly explains a F**king great deal...


So, you're tight, daft and a Nazi. And you've run away to live in paradise, just like Himmler did. Quote of the day. And I drive a German car. Why is my kettle sniggering with my pot.

I have to wake up, fella. Be back with an edit once I can remember how to make a cup of tea...

Something to do with bags, and water. Er, yeah.

R xo

EDIT: Stevie, I'd been thinking of sending Hugh back to Ireland so when the challenge came up I had the basis of a script anyway.

I did notice you'd changed your style a little a while back. Seems stacatto sometimes to me, my style that is. I just prefer using less words than most, I hope. Nice to think I influenced. Also nice you admitted it. Very honest of you, sir.

And yes, it does explain a lot. I'd call meself Anglo Irish, but that's the name of mad property developement bank the Irish Government are currently throwing the remaining cash of the Irish people into. Be quicker if they just flushed it all down the bloody toilet. So I'm the first English born of Irish stock. Probably explains a lot.

Over there I'm a paddy. Over here I'm a brit. No wonder I prefer Europe and Australia. I love Ireland. Shame they wasted all the cash. Bit like locking an alcoholic in a quiet pub with a grand then coming back to be told "Why'd you let me spend all my money on booze?". Enough. Too early.

Here's a good Beatles song - "Taxman".

Later Stevie, PM me with how the scripts are going.

R xo
Posted by: rendevous, October 18th, 2010, 4:23am; Reply: 35

Quoted from Coding Herman
I'm not too sure what to make out of this. I didn't quite get the gist of the story either. A couple stays in Phil's (I assume he's Huge's father?) place for a night, Matilda got hurt, they left the next morning. Where's the horror?

Maybe it's just me, I didn't feel anything after reading it. Sorry.


That's alright. It's only a quick short script, not my life's work. Huge's father? Huge. Well, he doesn't get any complaints from the ladies on that front. No. Hugh's. He does say, in the dialogue. No typo, that one.


Quoted from khamanna
So Phil and Hugh are in a pact, Hugh supplies Phil with all the ladies?


See previous statement. But no, Hugh does not supply Phil with ladies, not in the sexual sense. Phil does like to look though, and they go way back.

Thanks for the reads and comments. To be returned.

R xo
Posted by: c m hall, October 18th, 2010, 9:20am; Reply: 36
I love this script, start to finish -- wonderfully atmospheric, precise descriptions, and the characters are multi dimensional and given a chance to have thoughts and feelings.  The chat between Hugh and Phil at the end is a work of art -- they are characters that one hopes to see again.

Although it works as a complete piece, it could be the opening scenes of a terrific film.  
Much praise, very entertaining work.
Posted by: rendevous, October 18th, 2010, 1:33pm; Reply: 37
EDIT: Pmed you SC.

SC,

I disagree. What did Hugh do that was actually wrong, bring his girlfriend on holiday?

I don't think I need to redeem him. Just because you think he's a dirtbag don't make it so. And really, I find the idea that my scripts make you lose sleep... strangely gratifying.

Er, I think it's me who's the dirtbag M, well, I ain't the Second Coming, that's for sure. Maybe I'm the fourth one. Er, no. He'd shurely pluck someone better than me.

Hang on, why have I gone all religious again and you didn't. I blame the parents. It's always their fault.

Hope you feel better. Having wrote them I can tell you none of them are evil. Almost the opposite in fact.

Remember, they are characters. You got history, so do they.

Just because you saw them for seven minutes means you can judge them? SC, let he who cast for the first stone...

I suggest you now go and pray. You're wrong. Or are you. It's just a story. Have you met Karl and his friends? They ain't evil either.

I was in the book store the other day. I spent the afternoon moving copies of Tony Blair's My Journey to The Crime Section. I got a round of applause. Before I got thrown out too. Then I got another one after my speech about a million people marching in London before the Iraq War. My Journey... To Hell, Tone. Whiter than white, my arses.

I shall be praying to Audrey and Kate. I think it's fine time they called round. I've hoovered up and everything. I even managed not to put the red wine in the fridge this time.

Lighten up dude. Hugh's one of the good guys in a shitty world.

CM Hall,

Or Cathy, where's Heathcliffe? Probably better not knowing. Thank you. Seeing as Pia is already married, are you busy? I could do with that kind of praise on a regular basis. Oh, my girlfriend just said I can talk to you, but must stop proposing. She's funny about that kinda stuff. Women! Oh dear, you are one. Er, many thanks.

R xo
Posted by: RayW, October 19th, 2010, 3:58pm; Reply: 38
1 - Story: Third time seeped tea leaves. Almost interesting. I absolutely LOVE your characters! It was such a disappointment the story was weak, like an auld man pushin' his rope, 'cause I really wanted to read more of Phil & Hugh. You did great with them by page three's end.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Quite filmable. The guidelines called for an abandoned house, presumably so that no one would have to fill it up with expensive prop things a "home" demands, so you failed that fantastically.
3 - Horror & Audience: Nope. Can't say Phil bein' a/the devil and buggerin' with the "The daft posh muppet" qualifies as much horror, other than the thought of her putting her sweet tush on that rancid commode. Ugh! Audience for this is too sublime for my tastes. They must like exercises in excruciation. Didn't follow directions on that aspect. This is about... 9/10 of a short. Another fail at given task. Tsk.  No date reference.
4 - Technicals & Format: You write beautifully. Others found issue with the UK/US culture & language gap; I did not. Your dream sequence composition was well done.
5 - Title & Logline: Both are sh!te, but... eh... Somehow I think the clouds in the sky have more personal meaning to you.
General Comments:
A -  Again, your writing and characters are beautiful.
B -  From the obviously emotional-defensive posts of bizarrity you squirt out on the message board, like so much mucus from an arse sick with fever and the runs, I never woulda guessed you were capable of this.
You misdirect with unnecessary exertion.
I'll keep my eye on your writing, but on few of your general posts.
Posted by: malcolm3, October 19th, 2010, 4:20pm; Reply: 39
Ren,

You've had a lot of comments on this so I'm not going to do a page by page. Besides, you don't need that.

Dialogue was great, yours usually is. The characters were even better. I read this a couple of times. By the end, I was thinking with an Irish accent. That's what you get for working with the buggers for 30 or so years.

As for the story? A few have described it as weak. I seriously don't agree. Like most of your stuff, it's open to the readers interpretation. You make us think. It's probably the thing I like most about your scripts. You have a unique style that draws me straight  into the world you create.

I seriously enjoyed this.

My one line critique...

RV is back!
Posted by: jayrex, October 19th, 2010, 4:22pm; Reply: 40
Hi R,

Much better than Tomorrow I.

This was alright in the end.  It's nice to see a script based in the old Emerald isle.

I'm I right in thinking Matilda got raped by Phil, and maybe Hugh?  The funny stuff in the drink, the dreams, the waking up in Phil's bed...

And with the chip off the old block would make Hugh Irish who speaks with an English accent or puts the accent on?  As he said, he's going to bring another lass back.  If so, I can forgive the feck words mentioned by Hugh.

I would also join your at & all words at'all as when I grew up there it was pretty much national standard.  I forget most stuff but remember that.

-10 points for picking Co. Cavan, +10 for Co. Antrim.

Sean is Scottish while Shaun is Irish, which is Irish for English John, which has Irish alternative in Jon.  So I'd change that Sean bit.

It doesn't read like a horror, but if Matilda was raped, then this is horrific for her.  Although this script kinda dances pass that and makes light of the situation.

Also, on a side note, you write like you're from middle/northern England.  I take it it's your parents that are Irish and your not?

All the best,


Javier
Posted by: rendevous, October 19th, 2010, 5:49pm; Reply: 41
Ah reads. If I had not had fucking toothache for the last three days I woulda returned more. got the fecker out today. A genius in Sligo did it. I'd have paid the guy a grand. The Cure is not to be underestimated. Oh yeah, I'm not blogging. Bollocks.

Jayrex - Better? Wow. That's a new one. I thank you. I have to.

Nope. She didn't get raped by Phil. His tackle ain't seen action since he was at The North Wall. And that was twenty year ago. He likes women. They just don't like him anymore. They did once, back in the day.

I'm usually more coy about my scripts. But these days I don't give a fuck. Why not tell?

There was nothing wrong with the drink. The poteen was good. But it's illegal homebrew that would strip paint and enamel from your teeth. It's that good. Drinker beware. He didn't make her drink it.

Hugh, like meself, is Irish. He just happened to be dropped by mother in England and grew up there. Unlike Bale I'm proud of me heritage. Bet he is too, he just likes to fuk with press. Pardon my Francais.

He will bring back a lass. So forgive. Hugh ain't me. For some reason we have similar traits.

I woulda done Antrim. Or Down. If I was daring I'd have picked Derry. But I ain't so brave.

You're wrong about Sean. Round here they are called it. Trust me. I;ve met twenty seven Sean Nolans. Not a one called Shaun or John. Or Joan, come to that.

She wasn't raped. She just thinks she could have been. Phil's a git. But basically he's a nice old bitter man. Like most Irish gentlemen of a certain age he keeps it all in. Most of the time.

I am Irish. And yes, you're right. I was born over there. They didn't ask me or anything. So I'm an Irish Anglo. Who veers to the Land Of Saints and Scholars. And Squanderers. These days. Fianna Fail? Have three by-elections you gits. See who's really in charge.

David MacWilliams for Taoiseach I say. or maybe Vince Cable. Enda Kenny? Kiss me narrow arse.

Sorry, More rendevous rantings.

Return the read and the other comments when me hole has healed (where the tooth was, naturally) and I've sobered.

R xo
Posted by: rendevous, October 19th, 2010, 6:00pm; Reply: 42

Quoted from RayW
I'll keep my eye on your writing, but on few of your general posts.


Have to say this before I depart for my dump of a pit of a bed. There's a pendulum above it. Only the older ones will get that one.

RW, but you'll miss out. On some of my best stuff.

Right. Rendevous revises. And rests. Oh shit. I've turned into Craig David. Don't talk about yourself in the third person RV, not unless you want hitting with a fucking hammer.

Right. Once again. I rest. Whiskeyed. Up . One tooth less. Seven to go. I joke. I only have six. i am Irish. And English. It's complicated. We are forced to have bad teeth. It's compulsory over here. That's why we look at black folk with such awe. Theirs are white and clean and perfect and everything. We have fag dimps for teeth. Ever seen a soft black guy? I ain't. Hard as fecking nails. Er, sorry. Anti rascist mood. Should be more of that about.

Night all.

R ox
Posted by: rendevous, October 20th, 2010, 10:13am; Reply: 43

Quoted from RayW

General Comments:
A -  Again, your writing and characters are beautiful.
B -  From the obviously emotional-defensive posts of bizarrity you squirt out on the message board, like so much mucus from an arse sick with fever and the runs, I never woulda guessed you were capable of this.
You misdirect with unnecessary exertion.
I'll keep my eye on your writing, but on few of your general posts.


Thanks Ray,

Naturally I agree with completely. As for the mucus, I blame the booze. And some feckin' eejits who have nowt better to do but annoy me. There's always some arse annoying someone. Best ignored.

Your review is nearly as good as Me's. She wins as she's a female. And we all know they rule the world.

R xo


Quoted from malcolm3
Ren,

You've had a lot of comments on this so I'm not going to do a page by page. Besides, you don't need that.

Dialogue was great, yours usually is. The characters were even better. I read this a couple of times. By the end, I was thinking with an Irish accent. That's what you get for working with the buggers for 30 or so years.

As for the story? A few have described it as weak. I seriously don't agree. Like most of your stuff, it's open to the readers interpretation. You make us think. It's probably the thing I like most about your scripts. You have a unique style that draws me straight  into the world you create.

I seriously enjoyed this.

My one line critique...

RV is back!


See above. Now then lads. I will put the cheques in the post this time, as promised. Please feel free to show my script to rich film producers and directors. And don't show it to women you want to sleep with and pretend you wrote it. That would be very naughty indeed.

I am fixing my drains. Seriously. Bloody damp rooms in my building site of a house in a field up a mountain. They should do one of them Reality TV shows on me. I almost bought a goat and some chickens the other day. Then I came to my senses and bought some fags, beer and eggs instead.

Er, maybe not, cancel the crew. I want to be like the Swede Greta Garbo and be alone. Why don't they make actresses like that any more?

Later, if I don't bother getting drunk watching Utd I shall get drunk reading your scripts. That's the plan. If you care. You should you know. Take some too. Later.

R xo
Posted by: RayW, October 20th, 2010, 10:39am; Reply: 44

Quoted from rendevous
There's always some arse annoying someone. Best ignored.
Your review is nearly as good as Me's. She wins as she's a female.
And we all know they rule the world.


Amen.
I can't compete with what she brings to... the table. :)
And, indeed they do. They have no idea. Shh! Don't tell 'em!

Posted by: rendevous, October 20th, 2010, 10:46am; Reply: 45

Quoted Text

Amen.
I can't compete with what she brings to... the table.
And, indeed they do. They have no idea. Shh! Don't tell 'em!


Your secret's safe with me. Thankfully the lasses are alright. You wouldn't catch them worrying about Rooney or where the oil goes in the car. Or even if it's diesel or petrol. Does it really matter? Please turn the immersion and boiler off, darling. How much? How many shoes do you need?

Er, I'm going now RW, before I get lynched again.

R xo
Posted by: coldsnap, October 20th, 2010, 10:27pm; Reply: 46
rendevous, I noticed you mentioned somewhere in this thread that you hate writing straight-forward scripts. Well that definitely comes across here. Not really sure what's going on in this piece, will have to give it another read. The title initially pulled me in, I thought giving it a sequel name without it really being a sequel was awesome, till I noticed you put up the link to the first Tomorrow. I'll check that out as well, curious to see how this started.
Posted by: Delboy, October 21st, 2010, 5:15am; Reply: 47
I read this after reading tomorrow and was assuming this would be something similar with terrorist attacks.

The dialogue was very well written with good interaction between all the characters. I liked the olde irish charm thrown in. However I couldn't really see where you were going with this. It felt like a clipping from a bigger piece, but I didn't know where from or where it was going.

Still enjoyable and well written and if there's a tomorrow 3 then I'll definetley read, maybe fill in some of the gaps.

Del
Posted by: rendevous, October 21st, 2010, 1:36pm; Reply: 48
DB,

How's Rodders and Grandad? Or Uncle. During the war...

I had some characters and thought it'd fit in to an OWC. Thank you for the comments.

I'll take the "clipping from a bigger piece" as a compliment. I like that idea.

Hugh will return in Tomorrow III. He'll be going bak home with Matilda. They may waltz.

Thanks, will return.

I've got about forty odd to read. I'm never gonna get to read The Guardian today.

R xo
Posted by: rendevous, October 21st, 2010, 11:42pm; Reply: 49

Quoted from coldsnap
rendevous, I noticed you mentioned somewhere in this thread that you hate writing straight-forward scripts. Well that definitely comes across here.

Not really sure what's going on in this piece, will have to give it another read. The title initially pulled me in,



Sorry, missed this comment earlier. Many thanks. In me humble there are way too many straight forward films and tv shows made. Seeing as The Sopranos, The Wire, Mad Men and Inception are amongst the most propular and innovative visual entertainment about I try to lean towards them.


Quoted from coldsnap
I thought giving it a sequel name without it really being a sequel was awesome, till I noticed you put up the link to the first Tomorrow. I'll check that out as well, curious to see how this started.


A band once did that with their first album. A neat trick. Mind you, the album bombed. Never mind.

TI's a lot different. TIII will make things a little clearer. Or perhaps not. Thanks for the read, CS.

R xo
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