A Hollow Hallow's Eve by Josh Geishert (violent josh) - Short, Horror - It's a dark and stormy night and Melinda is stranded. Luckily, what she always thought was an abandoned mansion appears to have a bit of life. - pdf, format 8)

Hi Josh.

This was a nice take on the challenge, looking at it from another angle. Writing was crisp - maybe just a tad too much description but no real probs.
Formatting was good, so, yeah, nice effort.

stevie

This had a great setup.  Had a weird, southern gothic thing going on.  Ferdinand was thoroughly creepy yet somehow charming.  A homicidal southern dandy.  The "mannequins" were a nice touch.  As was the mutant Rottweiler and that gimp in the wheelchair.  But, this story seemed to lose its way, IMO, right after Ferdinand attacked Melinda.  I don't understand her character.  Why do the papers call her Susie Slayer?  What is her connection to Ferdinand, as he seems to recognize her at some point?  Way too many unanswered questions, which is a shame because I really liked where this was headed.  You had, I think, three more pages to work with?  You should have used them.

Writing, for the most part, was vivid and concise.  A couple clunky sentences.  But good job in one week on this one.

Ryan  

Josh,

As a huge fan of "Chicken Hunting" I was happy to see your name come up.   Unfortunately this story didn't deliver for me.  The descriptions seemed overwritten, the plot kinda goofy and dialogue unreal.  I'm guessing you were in a big rush to write this one.   Sorry for being so harsh, but I raised the bar very high for you after reading C.H.

Btw, why didn't you name your heroine Eve?   Would've matched the title.   Anyway, congrats on completing an entry.  I still look forward to reading more from you.

I like this mostly. Loved Ferdinand's chracter. He was so calm, polite. I couldn't see him as violent. Yet, very sinister. Was waiting to see how he would subdue and defeat melinda.

So your twist was that she was some kinda vigilante. I'll buy that. Think it could use a bit more foreshadowing though. Especially as to why they call her Susie Slayer. Was Ferdinand a vampire??? Just a cannibal??? I couldn't discern that.

Overall, good work. Nice OWC entry.

James

While I liked the character of Ferdinand, I thought he was a little over-the-top.  A character like him would probably work better in a more supernatural environment.  Centuries of flamboyancy

The rest of the script, unfortunately, fell pretty flat for me.  You spent so much time with the set up that there wasn't any room for a story.

Your twist, regarding Melinda, was out of left field and really had nothing to do with anything.


Phil

It's very light and reads almost like a comedy. Not that it's funny but the pacing and unexpected turn of events...

Not something I haven't seen in the past - a slasher prowls for a pray and stumbles at another slasher - but like I said the tone and the pacing made it different and overall it's a very likable piece.

I did not care for their greetings, thinking you could trim some. The description of the scenery is overwritten a bit for me.

I really liked Ferdinand's last words "it's an honor".

Josh,

Congrats on completing the OWC!
I was quite taken with Ferdinand. He's  a dandy of a character.
The dinner party motif worked quite well for me too.
I felt the story lost its way when it devolved from manners into base violence.
I'm not sure what Melinda is supposed to be? A serial killer hunter?
The knives and gun come out of nowhere and ripped me out of your neat story.
The gruesome comedy of manners worked for me, just not the attacking stuff.
Your technical skills suited my reading fine, no major hiccups anywhere.
Thanks for the post! What's this Chicken Hunting all about? ;)

Regards,
E.D.

Josh,

I really liked this up until Melinda goes vigilante on Ferdinand's ass.  Everything just fell apart at that point which is a shame because this had a really good setup.  Liked Ferdinand, liked the "mannequins", liked Reginald, liked Pierre, liked the overall atmosphere and situation you created, but the twist at the end there just didn't work at all.  I didn't see any foreshadowing to see it coming, so when it did happen it was like a player showing up to a basketball game with a football.  

Overall it's still a good entry and I think some revisions will make it all the more complete.  Good job!

Greg

I wanted to like this one... It just got too outta control.  I mean, way out of control.  Donkey ass, Resident Evil movie adaptation, out of control.  It started out really good too.  Reminded me almost, at the first, like a script I had written many years back.  Then it deviates into some janky action flick, complete with guns coming out of sleeves and precision knife throws.

Great writing, though.  Very descriptive as far as the Mansion went.  I really felt it was done nicely.  Loved the 2nd floor being inaccessible by chandelier too.

Ha, i think most of you liked it more than me. Actually a bit ashamed of it.

I will defend however, the lack of foreshadowing on Melindas part. If there were some, you'd all pick her out right away. Though it may seem a little too out of left field.

And some of you did call it, admittedly enough. Spent about 5 days on the first 5 pages and 2 hours on the last 2 (time issues; baby, moving)

Hey Josh, congrats on completing an OWC script.

Can’t say it works for me, sorry to say.  There are some good bits, and a comedic tone running throughout, which definitely helps it.  Just too many really weak sentences, passively written.  The sudden turn on a dime is also kinda odd.  I don’t know…

I started taking a few notes, but soon stopped.  Good job.

Your first line is a bad way to start…”It’s raining.” – These type of lines should never be included in a script.  Just a big old red flag for me.  EDIT – This passive writing style continues throughout and really brings the script and the writing itself down.

Orphans on the loose.  Some odd phrasings here and there.  Typos here and there.   Too much unnecessary details throughout.

1 - Story: Pretty good story foundation.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Simple to film on a fair budget for props, costumes and sets
3 - Horror & Audience: I can see this being turned into more of an Underworld action/adventure in the supernatural experiences. Rated R for graphic violence. There's a huge audience for this material. Met all challenge requirements. Excellent. This story seems ever so brief, but would serve well as a visual delight as a proof of concept. Tim Burton would have a field day. This was more of a sequence rather than a story. A story would have included more background development with the available page constraints.
4 - Technicals & Format: It starts rough but gets better. (No one cares for my writing style in it's current state, so I won't offer suggestions). Dialog is fine for graphic novel turned movie. Audience seems to like it semi-theatrical.
5 - Title & Logline: Title is limited. Log doesn't match Melinda's intent all along. She knew darn good and well what she was and what she expected to find there.
General Comments:
A - PDF pg 7: Who is Thomas?
B - This would make a great feature. If you have plenty more whacked out Ferdinands rolling around in your imagination then bring out the whole freak show for some freak hunting by the beautiful Melinda. Go ahead and create the whole enchilada. Otherwise, Ferdi could be Mel's nemesis, her Batman's Joker.

VJ,

Ah the author of one of the best scripts I've read lately, the seminal classic to be "Chicken Hunting".

You're knackered as I am expecting great things from this.

Writing is good enough, the initial dialogue seemed clunky to me, not quite natural enough for my tastes. It's also that there's too much of it. Comes across a bit too much like talking heads.

Later on I see where you're going with this Ferdinand character. I think with a bit more work and polish this could be a really good script. I imagine you ran outta time writing it, rework it or expand, should be worth the effort.

Quoted from AHHE     PIERRE                                                                                 Mfmm

An excellent example of fine screenwriting, did make me laugh.

Improved hugely as it went on. Just think it needs a revamp and it'll be up there with CH.

R xo