Figments by Gary Rademan (grademan) - Short, Horror - Three military personnel battle miniature beasts called Figments with horrifying results. - pdf, format 8)

Gary,

This is a grand idea.  I loved the concept of fighting figments - blowing up cute little creatures.  And I think you chose an interesting approach bringing in soldiers to do it - kind of alienesque.

However, I think this suffered from a bit from on the nose dialogue. Plus, it could have been extended a bit to create more suspense.  I'm also not sure I really bought into the end, I think as experienced soilders they would have known this could happen or else why would they have Levels (Level I infestation) to measure them.  They would probably also have protocol to follow such as calling for backup if they detected more was going on.

So it was good work but it still needed more work, I think.  

Gary,

I'm not gonna lie, I had no idea what was going on here.  The Figments are some sort of creatures from an alternate universe that emerge from these portals?  And they get progressively scarier?  There's just not much story or character development here.  You launch into the action without allowing us to grasp wtf is going on.  I kept hoping for the one scene or line of dialogue that would bring the story together, but it never happened, IMO.

In the action lines, you call the girl Melissa, but in her character slugs you call her Cutlass.  Unnecessarily confusing.  Just go with one or the other.  I have to give you credit for trying something different, in this case a military/scifi angle kind of like Stargate.  But, the characters felt more like caricatures and I never got what exactly the figments were.  Also, I think you should have used the extra pages.  This felt like it ended right in the middle of a scene.

Ryan

Haha -- I liked it.   Very creative, Gary.   This has got to be part of a full-length feature you're working on.   If it isn't, then it should be.  

Good job.

It's not just an idea, it's an avant-garde kind of thought. I like it because it's so different and interesting. And I liked the explanation - they send the weak once, then they'll start sending the others.

But I'm left wanting more. It's almost like the script is short of an ending. So they continue shooting and what? Wondering if you didn't have space for all of it...

There's something about a "use of his catchphrase" that I did not understand. I mean I did not understand if he used it and why the way she used it calls for a chuckle.

Other than that, please let me know if it's complete. I'm just curious.

Hi Gary!

Mate, really imaginative stuff going on here. You say its part of a bigger script?
It reminded a bit of Stephen King's book, 'The Regulators', because of the neighbourhood setting, and the mini bad guys.

However, I didn't feel the story fit the horror challenge - it was more a sci-fi action piece. But hey, there were some pisstakes posted so all it's all good.
Some of the dialogue was a little cheesy - actually, you could almost take this this the whole field and make it a full on comedy/action, a la Starship Troopers? Just a thought..

Anyway, good stuff Gary

Cheers buddy, stevie

Michael: Thanks for reading this and the helpful comments. I can always count on you for encourgement and advice at the same time. You're right  on all your points.

Ryan: When the reader is confused, i haven't done my job. For example, Melissa and Cutlass (Cute lass or Cute lil ass) are the same person and I should've referred to her by one name. More importantly, te set up and the character development were nil. I was going for a quick start and didn't have time to go back.

Screenrider: Glad you liked it. No plans to make it bigger though I might round it out so it's a complete story.

K: No. It's not a complete story, I had to wrap it up because I was up against the deadline. The story ends at the beginning of ACT III. As for the catchphrase, Striker says "Stale shit on a cracker" prior to Cutlass using it. Thanks for the avante-garde comment.

Stevie: Thanks for the read. Imaginitive yes, cheesy yes, sci-if action instead of horror yes. Though if I had time those monsters at the end would have scared you shitless.

Gary

I liked this one. Can't say it fit the challenge entirely but it was interesting, that's for sure. At the beginning, I only had the vaguest idea what was going on and by the end... I still had the vaguest idea what was going on. Okay, maybe just a little less vague. Anyway, the miniature animals were strange but oddly humorous as what was going on overall. The concept is so absurd and yet the characters take it so seriously. Very goofy. Slightly Ghostbusters-esque.

Don't know what else to say. An interesting entry.

Hey Gary, congrats on completing an OWC script.

I can tell it's rushed and ends long before it should have.  Some typos, some awkward lines, some inconsistencies, some poor description...blah, blah, blah...

I actually thought it was kind of funny and I assume that was your intent.  It is goofy and the way the characters act seriously adds to the humor for me.

I didn't expect to see any giraffes or saber toothed tigers in this month's OWC, and you pulled it off.  Good stuff!

Gary,

Congrats on completing the OWC!
While I don't feel this is horror at all, I did like your cute animal concept.
There's not much story here, but I'm intrigued enough to hope you continue it.
The satirical angle of soldiers and small fuzzies made me chuckle.
Thanks for the read!

Regards,
E.D.

Gary,

I agree with the others. Very creative. Thought figments would be of imagination. Because they all saw something different at first. They way each of their minds think. Then it seems like they all saw the same thing.

ONe writing mistake that left me beffudled. Never got whe Striker got out of the van.

Other then that, I enjoyed this. I wanted more. And yes, I agree, this is not a complete story. I didn't feel the need for more character development here. The situation was so unique I was so much more interested in that. Then it just ends. Also, you could've ended on a better punchline.

So good work writing a script in a week. You seemed to follow all the rules. It didn't seem like horror though, more like Night At The Museum. I mean Abandoned House.

James

Um....action thriller, not horror at all. But it was a nice read.

The major problems I have is the real reason why they're at the house. And why were there only three people if this was such a big operation? I need more explanation as to what was supposed to be going on in the midst of the gunfights.

Character-wise, you should stick to one name throughout. Not writing Melissa in the description and then Cutlass in dialogue. The three soldiers are a mystery to me, they're just doing a job. Don't know why Phelp has to be in a wheelchair except that you need to have one for the challenge.

Despite my harsh comments, I think this was written pretty well and I actually enjoyed reading it. More backstory would kick this one up a notch.

Herman

Thanks for the read guys!

James: Vague yet interesting? Very goofy?  I'll take that.  I know you don't usually read shorts, so I doubly appreciate the read. Glad you liked the serious soldiers versus the cute little animals.  It was an element that grew as I was writing the story.

Jeff: Yes, this was rushed.  I finished it and decided to post it, even if it wasn't up to my unusual standards, because I thought it was going to be very different from the other entries.  I'm glad you liked the giraffes and tigers, oh my!

ED: Not much of a horror feeling to this one. I thought the killing of fuzzy animals would be horrifying but I didn't have enough time to that.  No excuse really.  

JW: I like the reference to A Night at the Museum.  I had not thought of that connection. The punchline sucks. And I don't know how Striker got out of the van because I didn't let you see it. Sorry about that.

Herman: Yeah this one could do us more back story.  I had several pages left to use.  Glad you liked it. Your comments weren't harsh man. They were honest.

Good comments all!

Gary

Gary,

Trippy piece here.  I kept thinking that these things were, in essence, figments of the characters' imaginations.  Didn't really feel like horror because, really, shooting these portal-miniature animals with the utmost seriousness came off as kind of goofy for me (and more sci-fi than horror).  But the script was a unique take on the assignment and read pretty fast.  Descriptions were quick and to the point.  Dialogue fell a little flat at parts with some on-the-nose dialogue.  Give Phelps a cooler name.  Seriously, Cutlass and Striker are action hero names.  Phelps not so much.

But overall this was nice.  Good job!

Greg

Greg,

Phelps is meant to be a moniker for Helps, I guess it's not an action name. I'm giving you flack man. Thanks for reading my trippy script (probably the best description of this script yet). Yeah, the dialog was supposed to be formula oriented but I think I took it too far. A couple of readers expected the creatures to be imaginary somehow but that wasn't what I wanted to portray. They acted like something from our imaginations.

Thanks for the comments on the writing style. Most appreciated.


Gary

Hey Gary,

I really enjoyed this! It was just so bizarre and completely unexpected that I completely fell for it. Not sure it's really horror, and you just sort of leave the ending hanging, but it was a fun read and I can't help but admire your creativity. The writing could do with a once-over here and there ("They wait behind the sofa for the Figments"), but generally it zipped along and did have some tension despite the zaniness of what was unfolding.

Nice job!

1 - Story: Excellent! That was a nice little story.
2 - Filmable & Budget: The on-site work should be pretty simple & straight forward. The CGI stuff will run up the price. If someone has the programming - GO FOR IT!
3 - Horror & Audience: SciFi fantasy rather than horror. PG-13 as is and a feature could likely remain such. Very good audience for this material. Challenge criteria - largely met, default to The Pirate's Code approach. This was 8/10 of a short story. Wish you had used that last two pages to seal the deal. :(
4 - Technicals & Format: Good & fine. I like the way you did the night goggles bit.
5 - Title & Logline: Good title. Logline is less than seductive.
General Comments:
A - Very clever premise.
B - I understand why you used standard military surnames as your character names, but flipped flopped back to referring to "Melissa" in dialog.
However, all action lines should have maintained her as Cutlass/Cute@ss , as well.
Darn civies get confused over such trivial details.
C - With another two pages you could have wrapped this up as both a complete story and escalated the conflict into a full blown horror story with the third phalanx of figments.

JB - Thanks dude. Glad you got it. How this stuff gets in my head I'll never know. I'm not sure I want to know. The end does hang a bit doesn't it? I agree a couple of things do need to be tightened.

RW - Interesting review format. Cool. Glad you liked it, esp the night goggles. Yeah, it's 8/10 of what it could have been but I thought it might be interesting enough as is. The logline sucks. The Melissa/Cutlass thing is my bad.

Gary