Scars by Shawn Anderson (sanderson) - Short, Horror - A boy in a wheelchair offers a man money to carry him to the attic of a supposedly haunted abandoned house, but they are both more than they seem. - pdf, format 8)

Hey! I genuinely didn't see that twist coming. So well done there.

I'm not sure the pay-off is worth the setup, though. It IS a good resolution, but your first slug has it right: it's a winding road to get there. If you wanted Victor to be mildly irritating you succeeded, but that doesn't necessarily make for an engaging character.  You broke the rules at one point - all events must occur within a specific timeframe. And the ages, but you know that.

The big issue is that there's no real build of suspense, so while the ending is well done, it's robbed of any real impact.

I did like the 'God makes two kinds of people' lines, especially the way you tied that up. So yeah, good elements, and you did catch me out with the ending, but it felt long and didn't really build.

Shawn, congrats on completing a script for the OWC.  Also, congrats that Don posted this, as it fails to meet many of the OWC requirements.

Your writing style is very odd and annoying with all the short lines followed by more short lines, but no blank lines in between.  I don't get it.  Many times, you have exact words or phrases repeating each other with no lines in between.

This did not work for me in any way.  Contrived, unbelievable, and failing to meet the requirements in so many ways.

I really liked the story and the use of stormy night - thunder covered up his screams - this is great.

The story - revenge for something in the past - is not so new.

I liked your characters. I liked the use of the house and that the story of the girl doesn't have anything to do with the real story - it's original thinking. I also really liked this phrase "God makes two kind of people" and the way you used it. I think it's very clever to have Devon repeat it at the end.

At the start of the conversation it seemed kind of strange that Devon asks about the girl in such a straightforward way. I reached the end and I know why, but I think you better keep us from guessing.

Few notes"
"motioning to the Jack'o Lantern" - perhaps better not parenthesize this. "Notices the wheelchair" too.
"decorations are still out" (p1) - makes me think they take them in every night then out every morning.
"how I knew insulin is for diabetics" - I think many people know that. On the other hand this reads kind of funny and Victor is trying to entertain himself - so it fits in a way.

I really liked the story.

Quoted from JonnyBoy The big issue is that there's no real build of suspense, so while the ending is well done, it's robbed of any real impact.

Thanks for taking the time to read my script. I see what you mean about the lack of suspense. I tried to add some tension by establishing that there was someone watching the boys from the attic but I guess that didn't work. Also, in my 15 page version I had a scene where I made it clear that Victor was a sociopath and that Devon was in danger but I had to cut it to make the 10 page limit.

Thanks for the constructive criticism.

Quoted from Dreamscale Your writing style is very odd and annoying with all the short lines followed by more short lines, but no spaces. This did not work for me in any way.  Contrived, unbelievable, and failing to meet the requirements in so many ways.

Ouch. But I now see what you mean. I would appreciate it if you expanded on why it was unbelievable. Thanks for being honest and I look forward to any criticism you may have for anything I write in the future.

Quoted from khamanna I really liked the story and the use of stormy night - thunder covered up his screams - this is great. The story - revenge for something in the past - is not so new. I liked your characters. I liked the use of the house and that the story of the girl doesn't have anything to do with the real story - it's original thinking. I also really liked this phrase "God makes two kind of people" and the way you used it. I think it's very clever to have Devon repeat it at the end. At the start of the conversation it seemed kind of strange that Devon asks about the girl in such a straightforward way. I reached the end and I know why, but I think you better keep us from guessing. Few notes" "motioning to the Jack'o Lantern" - perhaps better not parenthesize this. "Notices the wheelchair" too. "decorations are still out" (p1) - makes me think they take them in every night then out every morning. "how I knew insulin is for diabetics" - I think many people know that. On the other hand this reads kind of funny and Victor is trying to entertain himself - so it fits in a way. I really liked the story.

Thanks for reading my script. I am glad somebody liked it.

I think you're right about the parenthesize. I was just trying to save space. And I know what you mean about the diabetes line. Originally Victor referred to Devon as "having sugar" which is sort of a down South way of saying someone's got diabetes but I thought that sounded too confusing.

Thanks again.

Quoted from Sanderson Ouch. But I now see what you mean. I would appreciate it if you expanded on why it was unbelievable. Thanks for being honest and I look forward to any criticism you may have for anything I write in the future.

Don't look forward to it. You've pretty much just commented on your own script. I won't read yours, nor anybody elses, who's not made an effort.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 You've pretty much just commented on your own script. I won't read yours, nor anybody elses, who's not made an effort. James

I apologize for not commenting but I feel I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said. Or anything that you guys don't already know.  

Shawn,

Somewhat interesting twist to a story that had me asking more questions than answers until everything came full circle.  I liked this for the most part, though some of Devon's dialogue fell pretty flat and uninspired.  And I can't help but wonder how Victor got off the hook with his crime, but with today's justice system who knows.  Also, Devon and Alice's final plan to essentially "get even" with Victor at the end was kind of unbelievable.  I mean, yeah, there's stories out there of weirdass 13 year olds who do bizarre and heinous things, but I don't think this revenge tale really justified what they had in mind, which as far as I could tell was some hardcore torture.

But overall I actually did like this.  A couple lose holes here and there, but it read fast and I enjoyed it for the most part.  Good job.

Greg

Quoted from Sanderson I apologize for not commenting but I feel I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said. Or anything that you guys don't already know.

Redundancy is the law of the land sometimes... Oh, I read your script but everyone else covered what I had to say.   ;)

Jeez, funny the way some posters get uppity and irate about silly lil things on these boards.  Funny the way opinions can vary so much too.

Shawn, you've a great 'short' script here. As with any script you could maybe perfect a few little (tech/format) things here and there, but for the purposes of this OWC & your SS debut, you've done bloody well imho!

Some of us on these boards get a lil bogged down in format and what is technically correct and yes, it is important that your script read as professionally as possible. But golly gee, some also can't see past these lil flaws and just enjoy what's been written.

Thank God, some others do actually recognise that if you have a good STORY or least something with a lot of potential, then you're already three quarters of the way there.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this one. Some great natural dialogue, v.good descriptions and a twist I didn't see coming.

Loved the way you imbued your characters with real depth n humour too. Victor could have been just another stereotypical drunken dickhead. Instead you imbued him with humour & even 'smarts'. On page 5 when he's wants the wheelchair thrown in with the 'deal', I chuckled. This is what script writing's all about - LIFE. Discarding cliches and creating characters with human flaws & contradictions.

Shawn FYI: 'Quid pro quo' is how it works on SS - you read & comment, and you get return reads. Some people get miffed if you join with the OWC and stay silent. Fair enough. BUT, don't assume everybody knows everything here. If you're in the business of writing scripts then you've definitely got something to say, plus as a Newbie to the site you may well be a little less jaded and knowall y, so don't feel like you're not well enough versed to say something. You might end up thinking of something 'highly original'.

As a v.good friend of mine and fellow SS'er just said to me: 'there's plenty of room for all of us' ...

Welcome to SS Shawn.

Shawn,

Congrats on completing the one week challenge!
I'm unsure as to why you flagrantly blew off the rules, I guess you have your reasons.
Your script read fairly well, though the action lines without spaces hiccuped me a bit.

**SPOILERS**

I have a big question. What does the house legend have to do with Victor?
Was she just a classmate? How does that connect to the other characters here?
I tried to piece together how everything was set up and I couldn't work it out. Sorry.

I don't see how this was horror in anyway, but again, it only stuck out after the fact.
I guess the horror element is the face revealed at the end.

I LOL'd at the Hot Wheels line. Victor being a jerk worked for me.
Thanks for the read!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from LC As a v.good friend of mine and fellow SS'er just said to me: 'there's plenty of room for all of us' ... Welcome to SS Shawn.

Thanks for the tips and thanks for taking the time to read my script.  I'm glad you enjoyed it. Your comment made me feel all warm and fuzzy...or that might just be the radiation from my computer screen... anyway thanks again.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Shawn, Congrats on completing the one week challenge! I'm unsure as to why you flagrantly blew off the rules, I guess you have your reasons. **SPOILERS** I have a big question. What does the house legend have to do with Victor? Was she just a classmate? How does that connect to the other characters here? I tried to piece together how everything was set up and I couldn't work it out. Sorry. Regards, E.D.

Thanks E.D. for reading and leaving a reply.  
As far as rules are concerned, I wasn't trying to be rebellious.  Some of the rules I didn't know about because they weren't on the Simply Scripts homepage and being new I didn't think to look on the forums.  But the location/time rule I broke because I thought it would make the script better.  I thought it was more effective if we saw the events that lead up to what happened on Halloween night instead of revealing it through dialogue. I think that works better than having Victor say "Hey yer that darn kid I hit wit my car" or whatever.

And since it said on the homepage "This is only an exercise. There is no prize for winning (after all, we all win if we have fun)" I figured nobody would be offended if I deviated from the rules a little bit.

The story of the girl was just put in there to give Devon to say to Victor to get him to agree to carry Devon to the attic.  The reason I had Victor know the girl was I wanted to sort of double bluff the readers. IDK maybe it didn't work the way I wanted it to. But that doesn't matter because that's all different in my new revision.

Thanks again E.D.

There's a story here, but it takes waaaay too long to get to the punchline ending. I think this can be shortened to around 7 or 8 pages. The first three pages of chit-chat can be trimmed by a lot as they didn't move the story forward much.

Speaking of which, the dialogue is very very stiff and on-the-nose, almost to the point of comedic. I'm talking about conversation ping pong, like how one character asks a question, and the other answers, and this goes back and forth for a while.

Lots of exposition about Marylou Sterling through dialogue as well.

And the montage wasn't set in or around the abandoned house.

The ending was horrific, I'll give you that. But this can be a neat horror short if you can tighten up both the story and dialogue, and make the characters sound more human talking.


Herman

Well for one thing, a lot of the requirements for the OWC were not met at all. Another thing is that I didn't find any horror in this script. The whole thing was about seeking revenge. The story was interesting - I guess - but in my opinion, it didn't cut it for the OWC.

Shawn,

I like what you've done here. I nice little twist and a good story about revenge. Not really a stickler for the rules. The ones you broke were small. I can look passed them.

If I had any complaints it would be that this script was a bit talky. Victor wanting his wheelchair to get home instead of driving almost seemed comical, lest that's what you were trying to get across.

I agree with Jonnyboy that this lacked any tension. But, it didn't need it. Great job for an OWC. I wish I knew exactly what they were trying to do to Victors face at the end.  Seemed they wanted the medical book for some reason. A specific procedure??

Good effort.

James

1 - Story: A tale of Karma and ironic revenge. It's told fairly well. Nothing ground breaking.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily filmable on almost no budget.
3 - Horror & Audience: Eh... Ten pages to get to an implied horror suitable for broadcast TV, excluding the p!ssing on the jack o lantern part. Put a few of these together and you'll have a Halloween  special for next year. Pretty good. "Dark and Stormy Night" theme - check. Cast - check. DAte sans Halloween spoken - check. Horror -  Eh... Intense drama of a dark humor nature.
4 - Technicals & Format: Fine and dandy. Too many "-ing" words. The sentence per action line is kinda funny, but doesn't bother me at all. Decent dialog.
5 - Title & Logline: The title tells of the story just beyond the scope of the story. Logline needs something different with less of a "ABC... DEF... GHI" pace to it.
General Comments:
A - Ten pages of horror set up before the FADE OUT is being kinda mean, but I'll live.