Black Aggie by Ryan Lee (ryan1) - Short, Horror - A team of investigators ventures into an abandoned convent, supposedly haunted by a former resident known as Black Aggie. - pdf, format 8)

Oooh...this one was creepy. The flashbacks felt like you were bending the rules since it all has to happen within a set time-frame, but that's just nit-picking, really. Where you definitely defied the restrictions was with the number of actors. Tut tut.

But anyway...a very evocative setting (even if you're stretching the definition of 'house'), very well-written, a strong ending. As an entry into the challenge I'd have to conclude it's not great because of it's transgressions, but as a script I found it chilling and atmospheric. Good job, you rebel you.

Jonny,

Yeah, I know I broke a couple of the rules.  I started this story with the full intention of only using three characters.  Then, as I got about halfway through and I kept coming up with more and more backstory, I realized I had to make a decision.  Either show the backstory visually through flashbacks or tell it through expository dialogue among the characters.  I think screenwriting's biggest rule is "show, don't tell" so I went with the flashbacks.  Violated a couple of the OWC rules, but I think it makes the story more powerful.

It is an abandoned house, though.  Didn't break that rule.  Glad you liked it despite the transgressions

Ryan

Ryan,

That wasn't bad.  Actually it was a pretty good story for a weeks notice.  And things were going fairly well, it was paced well, had good characters (even though there are a lot more than you were supposed to have).  And then the ending happened and I was left a touch disappointed.  I didn't really like the ending very much.  To me, it just came out of left field.  I'm not sure how I would suggest you should end it but I didn't think the ending you had worked. Sorry.  

Otherwise very good work.

Ryan,

Great story. A good example of character development, story, and tension, at least for me.

The first storyline was innocent enough with it's ghost hunter and psychic but the flashbacks/visions revealed a different world of devil worship. Disturbing but wicked  cool. I liked the way the two story lines came together.

A couple of goofy things:

Did Anges have the nickname before the incident?

I heard melodramatic organ music playing when Carl said "1951. The year... it all happened." Don't know why. And again when Paula said " I saw them. I saw them all."


Gary

Hey Ryan, congrats on submitting a script for the OWC.

You know I like your writing, Ryan...and I like this too, but there are problems throughout.

First off, in no way does this meet or even try to meet the OWC challenge.  It really should have not been accepted as it's completely "unfair" in breaking the 3 actors rule, which was something that made this challenge tough, and most of the entries poor, IMO.  I mean seriously, this cannot be compared to any of the scripts that did hold to the rule.

Story-wise, I liked it.  It's well done and shows just how much you can show and tell in 10 pages.  I applaud you for that.  It's damn evil, too, and doesn't hold back anything.  It's offensive, gory, and scary....3 things that always work for me.

Writing-wise, as I said earlier, is hit and miss, IMO.  As always, you show why you're a talented writer, but there are lots of rookie mistakes that stand out to me...

First of all, there isn't any reason for giving the characters last names, and because you did, you've got an orphan on page 1.  I know, I know...who cares about orphans and giving unnecessary info, right?  Well, you managed to fit this all in, but I bet you had to make some cuts that you probably didn't actually need to make.  IMO, there are probably at least 7 or 8 extra lines you could have had if you watched out for unnecessary detail, over writing, and the like.  No big deal, I just think it's good practice.

You (and most writers, actually) have a tendency to include the Slug in your first action line, underneath it, which obviously is redundant and wastes space again.  Examples are Page 5, 6, 7, 8 (only a portion), and 9.  Again, no big deal, but something to watch out for that will clean up the script and add space.

There are a number of awkward lines, but I didn't write them down. One I remember was something about Ben rubbing Paula on the shoulder.

Finally, you often use the phrase, "he hears", and "he sees".  Or a certain character hears or sees.  Personally, I think this is usually a mistake...not always, but usually. Whenever you do this, you're actually inferring more than you may think (when I say "you", I'm talking generically, but since "you" did do it here a number of times, I guess maybe it's not as generic as I'm making it out to be).  Do you know what I'm saying?  Basically, IMO, the phrase means that a shot needs to be included of the person doing the seeing or hearing either before the action you're writing about, or actually in the same shot.  I don't think most people are really intending that when they say, "he hears", or "he sees".  EDIT - Also, if something happens in the vicinity of a character, he's obviously going to see it happening.  Same with a sound. If we hear it as the audience, the characters onscreen will definitely hear it as well, meaning it's redundant and a waste of space again.

OK, that's it.  Good script, but a complete and utter fail as an OWC, as you have way more actors/characters than allowed, and your Flashbacks also break the rule of location.

Take care.

Michael,

Sorry you didn't buy the ending.  But, glad you seemed to like most of it.  Thanks for the read.

Gary,

Yeah, I'm glad you mentioned how it started out much more innocent than it ended.  That's what I was shooting for.  Progressively more evil   No, Agnes didn't have the nickname before the suicide.  It's her ghost that has the nickname.  Thanks for checking it out.

Jeff,

I gave the characters last names in this one because Ben actually mentions all of their full names during that first paragraph.  Thought it would be a good idea to clarify their last names at the beginning.  Adds a bit more realism to hear their last names, IMO.  Anyway, it's three extra words at the beginning, so I don't think it's a big deal at all.

I'll have to go back and check some of your technical notes regarding slug lines and action.  As far as "he sees", I agree sometimes its necessary, sometimes not.
I'll have to go back and see if there are some instances I can clear up.

As I mentioned in another post, when I started writing on Friday afternoon, I had every intent of using only three characters.  Then, about halfway through, as the backstory started to pile up in my head, I realized I was writing a whole lot of expository dialogue.  Way too much, actually.  It was already Friday evening and too late to start on another script.  So, just decided to go ahead and break the rules on this one.  You're right that this was a deceptively tough challenge,  and a lot of the haunted house scripts in this owc seem very much alike.  I guess that's what I was trying to avoid when I included the flashbacks.

Anyway, it did fail the owc rules, but I'm glad you liked most of it.  Thanks for the look

Ryan, I liked this one. Very chilling start. I like the use of the flasbacks to tell the story. I didn't like how the Nuns killing themselves was the first flashback. Then to find out that Aggie killed them all? Or did she kill twelve babies?  When you said tiny graves I was a bit lost. Also, never saw a pregnant nun before. Since you threw us off course with that, I was wondering if Carl was really Father Michael. Thought you'd throw another one at us. I know you like your twists.

Your writing is sound. It seemed a little crowded, but I know you had a page limit.

To me, nobody is scarier then Satan. Was glad to finally see a script get there. The ending? Well, It was just okay for me. Nothing is ever as scary once the horror reveals itself. But, you dove in with some blood. It was nice enough.

You broke a shitload of rules and you know it. But, you wrote a good script. One that may be kick ass with a rewrite. Good job.

James

James,

Thanks, glad you liked it.  This was a rushed piece, and I'm afraid it shows in some parts.  To answer a couple of your questions...the pregnant nun is a result of her tryst with the priest on the basement floor.  The storyline I was trying to get through was that Sister Agnes was having the priest impregnate the nuns over the years, and then sacrificing the babies on the black altar as soon as they were born, hiding the bodies in that hidden space in the basement.

The flashback with the nun's suicide...I really contemplated where to put that in the script.  Since Ben already mentions the mass suicide, I decided to insert it before the other flashbacks.  Sort of quick jolt.  Originally, I just had Carl telling the story of the suicides, then I realized the script was getting way too talky and there was no way Carl could have known such details.  So, it comes in a psychic flash to Paula, who at the end gets possessed by Black Aggie.  Yep, went with the slasher ending.  If I rewrite, might change that part.  Don't know.  

In retrospect, I wish I had begun writing earlier in the week, because I think I would have realized this tale I came up with just wasn't a good fit for this OWC and I could have begun a more straightforward story.  Coulda, woulda.  Anyway, thanks for checking it out.  

Ryan, I just wanted to acknowledge that I read this.   Unfortunately I'm completely burned out on horror now.   If I never read another horror it'll be too soon.  With that said, you're writing style is top-notch as usual.   As for the story, I dunno, I don't care.  I just wanna go pet a puppy and think happy thoughts.   Sorry.

Ryan,

This was pretty good.  Some chilling imagery, and the Satanic rituals were top notch.  As I'm sure others have said, you broke the 3 actor rule, but this was well written and a good story that I think will be even better with a rewrite.  Two things that didn't work for me were A) the tiny graves.  I actually liked that aspect but it seemed like you didn't have enough room to really show them off too much.  Would have liked to see more.  B) the ending.  People didn't really get my ending either so maybe I'm missing something here but the possession of Paula seemed kind of random and out of left field.  

But otherwise a solid entry.  Good job!

Greg

Greg,

Seems you and I were the only ones to go the Satanic route.  Thought there'd be more.  As far as the possession of Paula, yeah, I was running mighty low on space by that point.  I tried not to make it random or out of left field because, as you may recall, the Black Aggie ghost actually came into the room and appeared before her.  I had thought that would be enough, along with Paula's freaky look and nun habit to get the point across, but a couple people had issues with it.

Ryan

Hi Ryan. Yeah, ok, so you might've broken some of the rules(alright, most of them...) and you did get away with submitting a pisstake as well - you did 'The Old House? It had Ryan as the author in pdf properties - but this was pretty creepy and  evoked an evil feel to it.

Cheers stevie

Ryan,

Thanks for the read.
I liked the atmosphere you were going for, but not the execution.
I think the flashbacks were disruptive to the story's flow.
With the ending you chose for Paula, I want to stay with her more.
I want to see more of her connection to the backstory.
It might help me buy your ending. I'm looking forward to a rewrite on this one.
Creepy nuns, nice imagery. Keep up the good work!

Regards,
E.D.

Stevie,

Glad you liked the atmosphere of the piece.  At this point, won't even bother listing which rules I broke, because there were many.  

So...you're the first one to mention The Old House.  That neglected masterpiece.  You outed me.  Thanks a pantload, bro.  Haha, just kidding.  I didn't think it was gonna get through in the first place.  And only screenrider seemed to like it.  Hey, I least I mercifully kept it to six pages.  Got the pisser out of my system.  

Ryan

ED,

Thanks for reading.  The flashbacks were a late decision in this script, and one that basically broke the rules of the OWC.  But, I kept them very short and violent.  Sorry you thought they interrupted the flow.  If and when I go back to rewrite this, I will definitely smooth out some of the rougher spots such as the possession of Paula.  I think in the rush to make that deadline, some story points got lost.

Thanks again,

Ryan

Ryan,

Blood, guts, gore, just what I like in a horror.  Decent little story for ten pages.   Better if you had played by the rules though.  But I can't talk because I didn't play.

Good stuff

Ghostwriter

Did you have this idea before the OWC? It seems well developed for only a week's notice. It's one of my favorites.

Ghost,

Yeah, kinda wrote myself into a corner with this script, so I felt I had to break some rules to salvage the story.  Glad you liked it.

Sanderson,

No, came up with the rough idea Thursday night.  Wrote this in a couple hours right before the deadline.  Wish I had let myself an extra day or so to go back and polish up some parts.  I would've tried to confrom to the rules more.  Thanks for reading

Hi Ryan, this was written and paced well, as usual. But like some of the entries, this has more than three characters. Actually, a lot more than three characters, more like 12. And this was not entirely set during Halloween either.

Besides those points, I think this is a good story. The images of nuns worshiping Satan was creepy to me. Their wrongdoings gave me chills as well.

I have some questions though. Why would Carl agree to go with Ben and Paula? I mean, he must've wanted to forget everything that has happened to him. Is there something that Carl wanted to achieve at the convent?

And also the motivation of Black Aggie. Why does she want to kill off all these people? She's dead already, not that she can still worship Satan. I guess she's just a sadistic bitch, even in her death?

The last few scenes remind of Paranormal Activity. Very atmospheric. The sound of descending footsteps on the stairs was actually quite scary.

I liked this a lot. Very well done.


Herman

Thanks for reading, Herman.  Glad the atmosphere got to you.

First question about Carl.  He came at Ben's request to provide firsthand information during the investigation.  I also used Carl as way to dole out details without it being too expository.  He was there, he lived through the nuns' abuse, so I could communicate that in a couple short paragraphs with the flashback instead of half a page of dialogue.  I think he agreed to go back to the school and convent in order to confront this part of his life which he had shut away for so long.  I don't think he believed any of the ghost stories, he just wanted to return to the place where he suffered as a child and face his pain from that time.  That's one reason I showed that flashback of him getting slapped.  His only accomplishment by going there would be some kind of closure, I suppose.

As for Black Aggie, you said it best.  She's a sadistic b*itch, living or dead.  She was true evil, as Paula said, and existed to defile God.  So, if in death she has an opportunity to take possession of a soul and murder some innocent people, she's all about it.

Ryan

1 - Story: Excellent story. Really.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easy to film, with the right abandoned building, with a reasonable budget.
3 - Horror & Audience: Wonderful ghost story. R for graphic violence, nudity and sex. Big cinematic audience for this material. Failed on set/actor/age criteria given, but the more of these I read the more those look lke Pirate's Code: More of a suggestion, really. Forgiven.
4 - Technicals & Format: Wonderful.
5 - Title & Logline: Great title. Logline needs more enticement.
General Comments:
A - Great tale. Would make a great opening sequence to a feature.

Ray,

Thanks for the look.  I like your review format.  I might try that next OWC.  Yeah, I pretty much shattered the rules on this one.  Started way late, and when I realized I was going to have to break the rules to tell the story I wanted, it was too late to start over.  If I had an extra day, I would have put this one to the side and written something that stuck to the guidelines.

My focus on this was the horror.  I thought that was the most important part of this challenge:  to tell a horror story.   So, if I succeeded at that, I'm happy.  A lot of the scripts that I liked in this challenge, I personally wouldn't classify as horror.  But, it's a genre that's open to interpretation. The logline was a bit rushed.  Pretty bare bones, and I'll definitely make it more enticing in the future.  

Ryan

Alright!!! This is good. The ending was great with, now I'm assuming that this is what was intended, that Sister Agnes possesses the body of Paula. I am going to run this by Mr. Verbinski, I think he'll like it. CHEERS :)

I liked this - structurally it's good and devil worshippers who happen to be nuns -
that can't be bad... that's inspired!

But I did not feel neither for Ben nor for Paula. I'm thinking you could expand that or maybe cut some and have more of your main characters. Right now it's spooky enough but the story is mainly not around them but around the Black Aggie.

It's a very nice short nonetheless.

SPOILERS
I think this is well written, it seems like the beginning of a good novel --  you've got real talent for this genre, you create wonderful atmosphere.
Your choice of bad guys lets you down, I think; the actual horrors inflicted on children by nuns and priests are so well known that no single horror, no matter how bad, can compete with generations of ruined lives IMHO.

Hey Ryan,

I was searching for something of yours to read and dug this up.  When I read it, it only went straight to the screenplay, so I read this not even knowing it was for an OWC.

Good job cause the way the atmosphere was set up, I would've never guessed you had come up with this in under a week.  (Actually, I think I saw you say you started it on Thursday or something).  That's pretty impressive.

But thinking about it now, I understand why there were a couple things that seemed a little rushed and forced for the story.

The flashbacks, for instance.  They were good and definately needed for the story, but because they weren't in order, I got kind of lost.  You showed the nuns killing themselves first, then went back and had them alive and Paula said that Agnes killed them all.  "She killed them all!  She killed them all!"  I was able to figure out that Paula was referring to Agnes killing all the babies, but I had to go back and reread it a couple of times.  At first, it read like the nuns killing themselves you were just showing the myth of what happened, and then Paula saying 'She killed them all!' sounded like you went back and showed us what really happened.

The ending seemed a little rushed, too.  It was pretty quick and it seems like you would want to draw that out a little bit to get maximum suspense out of it.

But other than those things, the rest of it was pretty good.  The writing was concise, even if it had taken you a month let alone a day to write this, it would still be impressive.  You definately add great atmosphere to your work.

Others mentioned you broke a couple of the rules of the OWC, but like I said, I read this not thinking you had any perimeters whatsoever and I still liked it.

- Mark

Thanks for reading, Mark.  Hadn't taken a look at this one in a while.  Yeah, this  had its problems, some of which you mentioned.  I understand the order of the flashbacks could be confusing.  I wrote this one in a few hours, and it's the only owc where I just decided to break the rules and tell the story that was floating around in my head.  

I still like the core idea of this script, probably more than my execution of the story.  I might come back and revise this one.

Ryan