A Bad Night by Joe Garza - Short, Horror - Brother and sister meet on an isolated island to go over some old history and get more than they bargained for. - pdf, format 8)

Hey Joe.
Your script isn't getting much action so I thought I'd give it a go.
They say if you wanna get them reviewed you gotta read other people's stuff.
-No title page.
-No fade in or fade out.
-Up to and including six lines of description. That is too many. Four max. Less is even better.
-Multiple usage of the words is and are. I think these words should be avoided when it comes to a spec script. Some might disagree.
Overall the story did not really grab my attention. I felt distracted trying to follow along and had to go back and reread several things over again.
On a positive note. I did like the use of the house on the island. Shows creativity. Not your typical horror setting. Although I didn't feel much horror going on.
Anyway, the script needs some work but congrats on completing the challenge.
Good Luck
yosemite

Joe, congrats on completing an OWC script.

As Yosemite pointed out, there are so many problems here...everywhere.  Who is Susan, BTW?

I stopped after page 1.  The dialogue was really stiff and awful.  I'm sorry.  Best of luck.

I see the rules are completed ignored.

Four lines max please for action lines. This isn't novel land.

'occluded' is a good word though. 'Fading attractiveness' is a great description which I intend to steal in the near future.

At first I thought the dialogue was clunky. When I reread it I realised it's actually quite well written.

A tyre iron on a fire? Er, I hope it's a long one.

I'd say overall it's too dialogue heavy, please trim. Some interesting ideas and flourishes here.

Keep writing.

R xo

Joe,

Good on you for completing the one week challenge!
Taking into consideration my submission, I enjoyed your New England coastal setting.
The formatting issues I saw have already been illustrated in detail by others.
The dialogue is clunky and this does read a bit like a novel at times.
That being said, I did enjoy your take on "Three Jerks in a Cabin".
I honestly would have like to seen them all get what they had coming.
At times, this reminded me of the Creepshow anthology story, "Father's Day."
Give it a look see, I think you'll approve.
Thanks for the post!

Regards,
E.D.

First of all there was no title page and no FADE IN or FADE OUT THE END. The second thing I noticed is "Susan" - who is she? The lines of description were way too much and, as a result, I barely absorbed any of it. I pretty much scrolled past it. The dialog was awkward and unnatural.
Michelle killing her best friend out of jealousy over a guy was a little bit cliche for me. I feel like I've heard that story several times before, in one way or the other. I would give her a much stronger reason to have the desire to kill. Killing Sarah may have seemed good to Michelle at the time, but you should convince your audience that her motives could drive someone to commit murder as well. This is just my opinion though.

-1 for No title page

-5 for having your 1st passage over 4 lines

-2 for shockingly bad dialog

-1 for blatantly shoving character names down our throat

-5 for giving us way too much detail.  This isn't a novel, it's a script.  Just what is key to the scene.

Did I tell you you only were allowed 10 points?  Yeah, this one is largely a mess.  There is story here but it's lost within bad dialog chains and massive novel-like writing.

1 - Story: Standard folklore ghost story fare. It's fine.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily filmable with the right setting readily available.
3 - Horror & Audience: Well... It was going to be horror - before it quit. Prior to that it was just drama. Probably PG-13 due to the drinking. Audience is going to want some payoff for those first seven minutes. They'll be p!ssed with this. Challenge criteria missed on several areas, but The Pirate's Code seems to be in effect, so... whatever. Close enough. And, this was half a sequence, rather than a complete story.
4 - Technicals & Format: Gotta include the (superfluous - can't use that word, though! ;) ) "FADE IN", slugs are fine. You do a good job breaking up dialog with minor actions. Chainsaw the detailed descriptions. Quit writing for a director. (Rolls my eyes in sympathy).
5 - Title & Logline: Title (page, which should be included on all subsequent submissions, BTW) does not reflect the story told. "A Bad Night" tells about what ABOUT to happen, but not what is in the story largely presented. Logline is weak to fair.
General Comments:
A - "George clambers up the ladder..." I'm pretty new to learning screenwriting format and something I'm surprisingly running across I've never really read is that despite the numerous english majors that "read" screenplays they really don't like reading unusual words like "clamber" and "preternatural".  I was just beaned for including "vituperations" in a action/description line, which, of course, would never get up on screen, and a director would certainly have no trouble with. However, "readers" want the vocabulary within screenplays to be dummied down to high school level.
Country high school.
No... Rural midwestern high school.
Just roll with it. :(
B - Page one dialog: I see why readers are having trouble with the dialog. It's not EXCLUSIVELY that it's bad, it that it hasn't been set up properly. Readers are mentally lazy (gasp!). Since this is a horror challenge, by default, people/readers are EXPECTING scares and general freaky weirdness. Prior to dialog the scenario is standard and the two character descriptions are "30s... fading attractiveness" - then they speak like either cartoon characters or stick-up-their a$$ fifth generation rich people.
"Oh, darling Muffy? Will you please pass me my silver opera glasses?"
"Yes, Heath. But my jewelled clutch can only hold the ivory opera glasses. I fear yours remain at the estate."
Heath gives Muffy a stern look.
Either have the characters speak dialog appropriate for their situation and demographic or give the reader a headzup that these aren't normal people in a normal circumstance.

However, magically, everyone starts talking like relatively normal people on page 2.
ERRRGGHH!!
Be consistant with both ethe behavior and dialog of your characters.

C - Here's where you're getting dinged on being too specific (as have I):
The room is only about 15 feet wide by 20 feet long but the
few pieces of old furniture don’t take up much room. Over the
rear half of the room is a sleeping loft that’s reached by a
turning staircase at the back.

On the left is a small kitchen alcove that extends the cabin
by another 5 feet, and next to it is a slightly-askew door
that leads to the bathroom.

You're caught between thinking like a director and making sure the readers know EXACTLY what you're seeing.
"Clarity! Clarity! Clarity!" All the time they beat that drum.
Drives me nuts.
What they realy mean is "Just suggest it! Just suggest it! Just Suggest it!"
Well... how the h3ll can you be clear with suggestions.
I dunno.
I haven't really figured it out myself.
Seems rather contradictory, but... whatever.

Main point being is that I think an imaginative, visual writer has to really let go of a whole lotta detail - a WHOLE lotta it - so as to not clog up a delicate reader's eyeballs.

Boil down the seven lines above to:
A small cabin with kitchenette, bathroom and stairs to a loft.

GASP! How will they ever build the set?!
They won't.
Just roll with it.

D - We go through seven pages of guy-setting-up-dominoes drama for a last two inches of what's finally about to be horror. And then it just drops off the face of the planet.
Dude! You submitted the wrong PDF, didn't you?!
On a ten page horror story - get the horror rolling PDQ.