Victim by Gary (abe from la) - Short, Horror -  A detective discovers a grisly secret while interrogating a suspect in an abandoned house. - pdf, format 8)

Gary,

Good setup, but I'm not sure I understood just what was going on.  Why would a Detective be by himself with Travis in this house?  Where are the other cops?

So, the person in the wheelchair was the witch all along, who had already killed Travis and Wade?  Hope I read that right.  I think what confused me the most was, the deal with the car pulling back?  The witch was driving the car?  Where did the witch come from in the first place?  I thought maybe it had something to do with the girl Wade had killed, but I wasn't sure.

Had some awkward sentences:

"Travis stops at the doorless doorway."  If there's no door, how is there a doorway?

"Stapled to the ceiling..."  Not sure how you staple a grown man to a ceiling.  Those must be some serious staples.

Some of the images were quite intense and vivid.  The twist at the end was good, but would have had much more impact if the story had been written with more clarity.  Not bad, though.  This was a tough owc.

Wasn't a bad story. Usual Suspects-ish but unique enough.  I think you bent the rules a bit and included other locations but other than that you did a pretty good job.  

The only real quibble I have is that the dialogue could have used a bit more work.  It seemed a bit clunky in some places.  Travis' voice changed (not sure if you did this on purpose or not but it did change).   The cop didn't come across as forceful enough, at least in my head.  

Other than that, nicely done.

A very nice overall read, only one noticeable spelling error ("I'm Scare" p6)  and while the OWC guides are bent, since I really didn't see the..."Miss America  Justine Marr", I probably would have made the Detective a woman. But overall, it's not too bad. While I liked the visual of Travis stapled to the ceiling..."Wade" being taken over by the witch...okay, some sort of magic spell/paranormal thing going on there. I'm down with that.

However....how does the scene open? Wade gets a flashlight in the face. How long was Coyle there? Did Coyle look around first? Okay Magic. he didn't see Travis there at first. But read Coyle's dialog on p8. "You're under arrest for the murder of Justine Marr and the murder of your brother Travis Lake"  Where's Travis?

Hocus-Pocus.

Not bad as an overall short though. I could see this as a quick little film with a nice little boo/hocus-pocus moment.

Good work+keep writing
-DjS

Jesus Pieces?  -- Maybe, Just Pieces?  

I wanted to get that one out of the way quick... I know you're the one who caught my massive mistake using "Blanket" twice in a damn sentence.  So, consider this a returned favor. ;)

The writing in this is damn good.  The dialog is, in my opinion, tight.  The detective reads very well.  I believe Wade and Travis weren't up to par, but the detective really reads off the page.  

You broke a major rule without using the house and or surrounding area, but many people did in this contest.  Hell, many didn't even take it seriously.  The flashback was handled alright, again breaking the rules, but I did get a bit confused reading the Travis/witch bit.  So I re-read and it made more sense to me.

1 week... Damn good.  

Abe, congrats on completing an OWC script.

In many ways, this is very good.  It leaves a lasting impression.  It's creepy. It's hard core. It's played for reals, and I always like that.

There are numerous issues, but all most likely due to time constraints.  Some typos, some awkward lines and descriptions, and some confusing writing.

A couple things that stuck out...

Opening - Don't like how you used "MAN'S VOICE" instead of just naming and introing Coyle.  Actually, Coyle never got a proper intro.

A little too talky up front, and the real problem is that because you didn't properly intro Coyle, all we are watching during all the talk, is Lake.

Confusion between the abandoned house and the farm house in the Flashback. Aren't they actually the same structure?

On page 3, you've got a description of Wade, which is given out of place and doesn't need to be here at all, IMO.

But again, I like this. It works and can easily be fixed up into what it can and will be, which is a good little horror script.

Good job!!

Thanks for the read, gentlemen.

Ryan — I errored in making one of the cops a detective.  He should have been an officer.  Thus it would have been two officers checking out a call, then getting stranded without backup due to flooding.  
Yes, you are correct, the witch was indeed in the wheelchair from the beginning.  Actually the witch’s spirit was embodied in the dead woman with the broken neck.
The car drove or rolled away.  Nobody was driving. I pictured a car moving as if in neutral, going down a slight hill.
The doorway had its door removed.
The witch was always in the house.  The story that she/Travis told was the truth.  Except to identify herself as person in the wheelchair.
Yeah, clarity is an issue with this story.  It was a long night.

Mike C. — It did not start off as a Usual Suspects-type of story. But it ended that way.  I guess I did cheat by taking some of the story away from the house.  And here I was struggling to stay within the three characters guidelines.  Guess I lost my way when it came to location(s).
No, Travis’ voice didn’t change.  His words or tone might have — I was focused on not creating a fourth voice.

DJS — Interesting thought to making the detective a woman.  In fact, much more interesting take.  If I were to start this over, I would go that route.  Nice suggestion.
I tried to imply that the detective believed Wade was posing as his invalid brother, sitting in the wheelchair.

Balt —  OK, you busted me.  I'm not sure why, but I surrender.
Thanks for the support.  It was a struggle to make the deadline.  I’m not the most organized person.  Then with seconds before the 11:59 edt deadline, I couldn’t find the "save as a pdf. option on FD 8.  WTF? I’ve had this program for 14 months  and this was the first time I used it.  Never a good idea with a looming deadline.  Bummed me out that they moved that pdf save thingee.

The dark, stormy night better described my mood that my OWC.

Jeff —  Yeah, I made it through a OWC.  I wrestled with the intro of Coyle because he is never seen — he would be a fourth character.  So I kept him OS and really wasn’t familiar with how his intro should go.  Ideas?
Talky?  Yeah, I let the cop ramble.  What do you expect? He didn't have any doughnuts.

Yes, the abandoned house and farmhouse were one in the same.  I wrote some of the story on a Sunday night, some on a Wednesday night and the rest on Friday night.  Continuity got a bit ugly, I admit.  But that’s because I don’t drink.  Otherwise, it would have made more sense.

Again, I appreciate the critiques and will return the reads, if I haven't already.

—  Abe

Gary,

First of yours I ever read. I really liked it. Nice brutal tale. I think you should make Coyle a sheriff or deputy. It has a small town feel to it. Since they seem to know each other well.

I can get why the witch killed wade, Just not Travis or Coyle. This is where I think you coulda done some back story. Coyle accuses Wade of being responsible for several murders in the town of recent. Think that could've added a nice touch. Set up this witch just being a murdering bastard.

Had a few qualms with the dialogue...

"Bet’cha it was the family
monster. Right, Travis? Your
big brother. Wade Lake." - ie. Pretty sure if Coyle was saying this he would understand that travis knows his brothers last name..

Saw a couple of typos, nothing major for a weeks time.

I think you stayed within the rules with your actors, keeping Coyle off screen. I did the same.

Damn fine OWC. I enjoyed it.

James

Thanks for the read, James.
Yeah, some back story could help flll holes and make the story more plausible, for what it is.  Small town I like.  This is the kind of story that fits the small town or backwoods eeriness.  Where things could fly under the radar.
I appreciate your suggestions.  Lots of food for thought.

Gary,

Out of curiosity, why do you call yourself Abe?

Interesting take on the theme.  I was kind of confused at the end and peeked at your comments to see what exactly went on, so now it makes sense.  Pretty solid writing all around but there were two things that didn't really add up for me. The first was, why was this guy seemingly interrogating Travis alone in this house?  Wouldn't he take him downtown or whatever?  The second was, while chatting with Travis, wouldn't the detective notice the body stapled to the ceiling?  I know sometimes certain aspects of rooms can go unnoticed but I can't help but think you'd notice a twisted body that's stapled to the ceiling.  

Overall a nice change of pace.  The twist came pretty fast at the end so I think a little fleshing out could do wonders but for an OWC this was good.  Nice job.

Greg

Abe,

Congrats on completing the one week challenge!
Overall I like your writing style, flagrant rules violations aside.
I like the interrogation feel, the detective could use a solid intro.
These kind of scenes are easy to drop into, "I don't buy it, I know you killer her!"
Bam! Enter story. Your pages read well and have a good sense of urgency.

There were some things I didn't buy at all.
Why would a detective be out there by himself? Makes zero sense, unless its personal.
Perhaps a deputy dog small town sheriff type would work better?
I got a bit lost during the flashback.  Who the heck stole the car? The witch?
Why would a soul infesting witch need a car? Perhaps I read this wrong.
The witch felt pretty random to me. Why would she even bother with playing games?
If she's such a bitching witch, why isn't she tormenting the detective?
I'm sure she can dredge up something in his past to play with his head. Mwahahaha.

All in all you have an appealing writing style. I look forward to a rewrite of this piece.
Thanks for the post and keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.

I enjoyed it throughout, but there are some major twists and turns that had me scratching my head at the end.

First, there is too much dialogue exposition for the first two pages. Go easy on it. Try snappier dialogue to deliver the same info.

I'm not too sure of the huge flashback. It didn't really shed any light to what was already been said. Wade didn't kill the girl, he got killed instead.

Now the ending. The last twist came out of nowhere. So is Travis really Wade? But wait, he's dead already. What about the girl? So she's alive afterall, but she's also the witch? Huh? In the end, I was confused by all the twists.

Thanks for the reads Greg, E.D. and Herman.

Greg — You asked why Travis was interviewed alone in the house.  It’s because the roads are flooded, preventing him the cops from leaving the house.
Yeah, I’m certain the cop would have noticed a person nailed to the ceiling.  Even in a windowless room, with just a flashlight, it is still quite evident.  I realize a flashlight — which the cop concentrated on Travis — still spreads its beam.  So this is a major mistake.
Thanks for the compliments and I do consider it a good thing, for me, to have completed this OWC.

I use the Abe pen name because if names are placed in alphabetical order, it rises to the top.  
Other than that, Abe can be an Anglo name or a Japanese name (Ah-bay). So, being a JA, it seemed to also fit.


E.D.— Yeah, I wrestled over how to introduce a character that is never seen.  The detective would have been a 4th character, so I just went with OS dialogue.  And since the girl (who is seen) never speaks, I skated the edge of acceptability by have three seen characters and three speaking characters.
As for the detective investigating this crime, he is actually not alone.  There is another officer, who we never hear, but is in communication with the detective — trying to stay within the 3 character limit.
Actually, the detective should be a cop.  Yeah, if I were to start from scratch with this script, I would go with small-town Sheriff types, one probably a woman.
The way I set it up is for two cops to investigate a crime in the outskirts of town, then they get stuck on the property when the roads are flooded.  So they can’t get the suspect to the station, nor can they get backup help.

The car wasn’t actually stolen.  It was moved via witchcraft.  I kind of pictured a vehicle slowly rolling from one location to another.    The purpose of this was to separate the two men.  The able-bodied brother would have to leave the house to retrieve his car.

The only reason for the witch to play games with the two men and the cop would be so that I could have a story, ha ha.  But beyond that, I was using the witching hour as the signal for all hell to break loose.  That’s what she was waiting for.
Yeah, I could use a back story to make this tale work a lot better.
Thanks for pointing out weak spots in case I do a rewrite.  Much appreciated.


Herman — Agreed that the dialogue was ladled on pretty thick.  I would have to work harder to get that snappier dialogue, but that’s what rewrites are for.
The flashback did present a variety of problems, all of which have been pointed out by numerous readers.  The only light it really shed on the story is how the crime was done, sort of.  Travis talks about it, but I tried to show what he supposedly saw, to fill in gaps.  I guess it actually led to some additional confusion.

The fast ending was to bring it to a close by the deadline.  Travis isn’t really Wade, but the detective thinks he is.  So I set it up so we have the cop’s view of what he thinks is going on — that Wade is posing as Travis to he might be able to use that paraplegic angle to later escape.

The girl is actually a rape and murder victim of the brothers, who provides a host body for the witch’s spirit.  The girl is killed in the abandoned home in which the witch’s spirit inhabits.
I realize it has more twists than it should for such a short, but I figure it could be the kind of story that I could expand once the OWC restraints are lifted.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and point out the confusing or uneven parts of the script.

It's a fast read, I was pretty invested throughout. Somewhat Agatha Christy' sh, I think.
I really liked the narrative and the dialog.

The flashback could be shortened, I think. Or cut in two parts and intersected by present time. Maybe. It was kind of too long, I think cutting intersecting it by detective scenes would add to suspense.

The ending - I did not understand it. I read your explanation (to Herman) but I still don't, sorry to say. Maybe I never will:)
I understood (on my own) that the brothers murdered the girl (that's what I thought it would be) she came back (but I see a witch possessed her, so I was wrong about it), killed the brothers and kept possessing the two in turns. But what happened to detective? --that part I did not understand and if she killed him that would mean she is after an outsider which takes some of the energy. I think.

Hey, khamanna.  Thanks for reading and commenting.

I had not thought about splitting the flashback with a quick cut to the present.  Interesting thought because I do think the flashback is long-winded.  So cutting away from the flashback is worth considering.

I guess the ending is still a mystery, ha ha.  The way I see it closing is that Travis, before he was killed by the witch, calls 911.  This brings the cops to check out his hokum story.

The witch has already dispensed with the brothers -- Wade in a tree, and Travis nailed to a room ceiling when the story opens.  And the witch had inhabited the rape victim's body when police arrive.

So the dead girl possessed by the witch occupies the wheelchair.  She (the witch)  recounts the story exactly as it happened.

At the witching hour, the witch destroys the detective and his OS partner. So by the nest day, there are no survivors.  Just a bunch of bodies and folklore.

Again, thanks. I'll check out your OWC.

1 - Story: Fair. Nothing new or unique.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily filmable with light budget.
3 - Horror & Audience: It's about to graduate from heavy drama to horror when the story ends. PG-13 for subject and frightening images. Audience is going to be p!ssed if this is all they see. They're going to want to see more of a story, making this more of a half sequence rather than a short story. Audience like a good ghost story. Pirate's Code for challenge guidelines - Pass, with forgiveness. :)
4 - Technicals & Format: Turn off the (MORE) and dialog (CONT'D) features. Typos scattered. To denote dialog interruptions use double dashes rather than ellipses.
http://www.scribd.com/doc/12721428/Professional-Screenplay-Formatting-Guide  Page 52
5 - Title & Logline: Title's a little cryptic. Log is fine, although "the secret" isn't revealed until the last page of story and isn't really "discovered" by the detective.
General Comments:
A - This would be a nice opening sequence. A full story would be well received.