No Trespassing - OWC - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, October 20th, 2010, 5:20pm

No Trespassing by Ariel (free2write) - Short, Horror - no logline - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: free2write, October 20th, 2010, 6:12pm; Reply: 1

I just realized how horrible the formatting is (I wrote it on Word) and sorry about that blank page at the end. I couldn't get rid of it.

I've never written horror before. I only did this for the challenge.

Posted by: DarrenJamesSeeley, October 20th, 2010, 6:24pm; Reply: 2

While I am generally pleased that the entry did not, as far as I can tell, have any spelling errors and most of the grammar looks okay, and I'm going to lightly forgive on the requirements of the OWC (characters are teens ranging from 17-18; but since the guide said 18+ you almost got away with it) and there aren't any camera directions (good!) and the characters are okay. Nothing great, but okay. Dialog fairly decent.

While the lack of the logline and that the authors name (real or Alan Smithee) isn't on the title page is cause for alarm, what is cause for concern is the formatting. It is off the radar chart. Lots of white space. A little is fine - but not when everything is squeezed into the center. Not by a small bit either. Everything is like trapped in a tube of toothpaste. It's very demanding to read.

I'm going to go out on a limb here. I'll roll the dice on it and say that the actual page count is five pages long and not nine. Maybe four.

A good disappointment?

Posted by: free2write, October 20th, 2010, 6:53pm; Reply: 3

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley

While the lack of the logline and that the authors name (real or Alan Smithee) isn't on the title page is cause for alarm, what is cause for concern is the formatting. It is off the radar chart. Lots of white space. A little is fine - but not when everything is squeezed into the center. Not by a small bit either. Everything is like trapped in a tube of toothpaste. It's very demanding to read.

I need to invest in a formatting software. No matter what I did it just didn't come out right. Thanks for reading.
I also finished this within the hour before deadline. So I'm not expecting it to get the greatest feedback.
Like I said before, I don't write horror - at all. This was simply for the OWC.

Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), October 22nd, 2010, 5:48pm; Reply: 4

Yep, Ariel, you need some software.  Celtix is free. Go get it online and use it.

This is impossible to read for me, the way it's formatted.

Darren says your writing, grammar, and dialogue is fine...not in my book.  Looks pretty bad, actually.  Very passive writing, ludicrous dialogue, no plot that I can see 4 pages in.

Sorry, but that's it.  Get Celtix, read some scripts in here, keep writing...and start reviewing other scripts!!!!

Posted by: free2write, October 22nd, 2010, 6:07pm; Reply: 5

Well Dreamscale - OUCH. Lol it's okay I can take constructive criticsm. I downloaded Celtix as soon as I read your comment. It's pretty cool and just what I needed. Thanks for reading and taking the time to make a reply...I think. :)

Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), October 22nd, 2010, 6:27pm; Reply: 6

No problem. Celtix can only help. You should seriously rad and comment on as many of these OWC scripts as you can. That way, others will read yours and give you feedback, which should help.

Posted by: Electric Dreamer, October 23rd, 2010, 11:54am; Reply: 7

Free,

Congrats on completing the one week challenge!
It's always an accomplishment to not give up and finish a script!
It seems you're already on top of that pesky formatting issue. Good on you!
Your dialogue is very "on the nose". Lemme 'splain...
Everyone says EXACTLY what they are thinking the EXACT moment they think it.
It's no fun for the reader to have everything explained in the most basic of terms.
Unless, its midget porn. =p
Start there, read scripts, give feedback, get feedback and rewrite, rewrite, rewrite.
Good luck and keep posting.

Regards,
E.D.

Posted by: free2write, October 23rd, 2010, 12:44pm; Reply: 8

@ Electric Dreamer - Thanks reading and the feedback.