Forced Donation by Darren J Seeley - Short, Thriller - Even the urban legend of stolen kidneys has to start from somewhere. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

It's not bad. I'd like to see a bit more character development, but with the right casting they can really pop on their own. My only other real gripe is with the ending, I don't feel great about it, but that's my own personal taste. I was looking for a twist or a more climatic ending. Also, I'd change the order of their "parting words" on the note, switching Todd's and Alex's, I think it would flow a little better. But again, overall not bad.

I really like how they took out Jack instead of Alex, and it's safe to assume Alex knew what was going on. Good job.

DJS,

Interesting piece.  An urban legend told with a twist.  Couple of things:

> could use a little bit more time with the characters.  Perhaps some time with Sophie and the victim, the boys waiting in the room.  It might also build tension.

>  Dialogue was okay.  Nothing good or bad to point out.

> The story started, was told, and then you got out.  It helped with the pace for this one.

>  Thought it was strange how the organ thieves cleaned up after themselves. I'm also not sure how marketable an organ obtained in this manner really is.  But that wasn't the point.

>  I kept expecting someone to knock on the door and interrupt the thieves.

Overall, good effort.

Gary

Hey Darren!

Congrats on banging out another script!
I like the idea of organ harvesting, I think it would make an effective thriller.
Perhaps something feature length involving time limits with replacing organs.
Liam Neeson could go around punching people looking for his spleen!

Your dialog and technical prowess are on fine display once again.
Your characters didn't grab me this time around.
I didn't get a sense of urgency from the harvesters either.
I kept expecting someone to come to the door.
Perhaps a pulled fire alarm from a mutinous member, some kind of suspense.

p. 2 The something wrong with the cooler description threw me. I stopped reading.
Perhaps there's a better way to say that, as is, I reread the scene and lost my place.
The ending was kinda flat, I think ending with Alex's line would be better.

It might be the delicious gin talking, but I think the title should be "Room Service".
You know, one of the harvesters rolls a tray into the room and pulls off the cover...
and its scalpels and tongs instead of lobster! Dun dun dun DUUUN!

Solid effort and thanks for the post, look forward to more from you!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Hey Darren! Solid effort and thanks for the post, look forward to more from you!

Thanks, ED. You won't have to look far. :)

Wow, you are prolific, Darren.  I thought this one was good and to the point.  I like how you jumped directly into the story without wasting banter between Andrew and the girl.  The icy dialogue from the characters as they harvest the organ really made them detestable, which is a good thing in this case.  They talk about the guys insides like they were shopping at Kroger.

Then it was nice to see them turn on one of their own.  And from the final lines of dialogue, they know the same thing could happen to any of them at some point down the road.

Format was clean and the story flowed well.  I suppose I was hoping for one final twist at the end, perhaps involving Andrew when he wakes up.  But overall, a solid job.

ryan  

10 pages, with maybe no promise of a larger piece???  I don't think the 1st 4 pages are written economically enough.  There is way too much banter between them.  Most of itbeing redundant banter.  We know, by page 2, because you set it up pretty well, that's who these people are and that's what these people are going to do and continue to probably do in the future.  

A missed chance at building suspense unfolds over the next 6 pages, which are written really well.  I just think you gave too much attention to forcing these characters onto us, rather than letting us get the gist and then piecing the rest of the puzzle together as we witness more of their antics.

As I said, if it's apart of a larger project, go for it.  Keep the expositions intact... If not, do away with some of it.  Too much of the same stuff is being addressed within the 1st 4 pages and the argument that ensues over who's going to be in the closet next time really isn't warranted.  

Good read at all otherwise, though.

As soon as the sub que is back up, I'm going to ask Don put up the revised version that was shot recently (it's in post) so folks can see a side by side comparison and, when the short goes on the 'net later this year or early next, whichever comes first.

The same folks who shot this are also going to shoot my 'Mister Y' script too.

Hey Darren- Nice job. Well written. You do a great job with the visualization of the story. Best of luck-

Love the title...love the way they turned on their own.

Funny to see this...I wrote a 'cheezy horror' about organ snatching too... called Flagged For Removal for some film guys here....when it's done, I'll post it! I like yours better though!

The dialogue can get a lil confusing when reading but this will film great and I can't wait to see it.

Good job Darren!

Like the title, like where you're going...

JACK
Still needs to be more money in
this line of work.

I do the same thing. After reading our own stuff a zillion times, we stop seeing and glaze over.

John

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley ... the short goes on the 'net later this year or early next... The same folks who shot this are also going to shoot my 'Mister Y' script too.

Congratulations! Look forward to seeing it.

Why water (melted ice) weight less than the ice itself?

I don't believe in the characters or the storie, it needs a lot more work.