Ralph by Martin Cox (Chelsea) - Short, Drama - Leaving too soon can be fatal. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

We can't get away from Ralph for a second around here... Reading it, be back in a few with thoughts.

Haha -- I jumped on here to delete this thread, sure it would be devoted to our friend Ralph.

What a funny coincidence.

Quoted from Chelsea, on his other script posted this week Thanks for your reads and yes it was done in a hurry (been working on my first feature).

Hope this one is good, 'cause that excuse won't fly anymore.

I get it, but I don't.  I kind of see what you're going for but it's too lean to really work right now.  It's written largely well.  Lots of distinction and clear segways that leave little room for error.  But the thing wades itself too far out and ultimately what you end up with is, essentually what you started out with on the title page ... RALPH.  Ralph, talking to himself and for far too long and for no "real" pay off.  

Again, I know what your angle is and it'd work if you made it longer and added in others.  Right now it reads like one long monologue broken up by tiny increments of action.  And not because it was needed to advance the story, rather because you couldn't get away with just having 4 pages of dialog chains.  

Hi Baltis.

Thanks for the read and the comments.

Always welcome and taken on board.

BTW...great avatar.

Best.

Martin

Guessing this is Romeo and Juliette, with gay guys. Pretty well written, Just can't say it did anything for me. Can tell you like writing stories of people in despair, ready to commit suicide due to lost love.

This just doesn't feel complete to me. Reads like two acts. I think this needs a few more pages. Maybe you can trick us as to what was really going on here before you end it. Maybe they're not gay, Maybe he wasn't cheating... There was something we missed.  

I always read your stuff Martin, Cuz I like your writing. This was no "Hail The Cabbie" though.

James

Hey James. Wassup?

Thanks for the read and you know I always value your comments.

This project was given to me by a producer with very strict instructions and limitations. Within the criteria he laid down, I came up with this.

He seems to like it but I can understand exactly where you're coming from.

Y'never know, he might just make it! If not I'll do a re-write and flesh it out more.

Cheers.

Martin.