Hot Date by Frankie Hopkins - Short, Comedy - The Worst Date Ever! 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

It's not the worst date ever.  He's just the worst Dater ever.

I think the funniest part is when he describes his girlfriend as "an older woman" but when we meet her she is only 26-29, which (to me at least) would qualify her as a young woman, but hey, your choice.

I didn't notice any big time formatting errors.

It's also funny when the guy makes his call from the bathroom after swearing not to do it anymore.

You lost me a little when he spilled the hot sauce.  I wasn't exactly sure what was going on with all the bathroom visits there.

How about this?  Make Mark the hero.  Leo is a big, dumb, lummox.  Can't get a date, can't even keep track of his bong.  Plus he's a slob.  Mark is different, cooler, better looking.  Has dates, obviously.  Bangs the chick in the first scene now he's off to score with this older woman on the same night.

But she's too old 35++, and he wants to break up with her.  Leo says he should do it in a public place.  On the phone she suggests a romantic dinner at her place.  Uh oh.  Turns out he gave her a bunch of b.s. about being a fabulous cook or something.  Needs a plan fast.

Then it's Leo's idea to fake the home cooking.  Sort of a Cyrano theme here.  Big dumb oafish stoner guy trying to get his cooler better looking friend out of a jam.  

So then the guy makes a total mess of dinner, get's revealed as a fraud, THEN says he wants to break up with her.

How's that?

Anyway, that's what I was thinking.

I think you could tighten it - and I'm not talking about the writing but about the plot. It goes around too much about looking for his bong at the beginning. The end "have you seen my bong" shows that some things never change and that's your theme I think, isn't it? It's mostly about him and how shallow (thick-skinned in a way) he is. --which is a great theme - I like this type of stories.

I just don't see much of it very relevant (although funny but still). The first part about his friend and his girlfriend - much of it could be cut, I think.

When she tells him "I'll be reading" (I paraphrased, sorry)  - I know the actor could have fun with that line, but it reads very dry for some reason.

Other than that I liked it in a way.