The Cycle by Denver Mason - Short, Drama - {no logline} 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Denver,

So when I saw your title page and that this was based on "Cat's in the Cradle", I knew where this one was heading, and there isn't a problem with that.  

I noticed that you dropped a few periods.

P. 1 - "School bell rings as Danny gathers his books and leaves"

P.2 - "Homework"

P. 3 - "Danny takes another sip of coffee and goes back to work"

Not a terribly big deal, but I think you should go over this again with a fine tooth comb as some are a stickler for this kind of thing.

As far as the story, well, as I said, I kind of knew where it was going.  I think this kind of material is always going to elicit an emotional response because we all have fathers.  I don't you've done a bad job with this, but I think that it could use a little more subtelty to get your message across.  I'm at a loss as to how you might do that at this writing, but I think you can still be faithful to the song and get your message across.

For instance, what if Braedyn breaks the cycle and responds to Danny's letter.  Besides, it just seems awful cold to toss your old man's letter in the garbage without even taking the time to respond.  

Anyway, hope this helps.

Craig