moon~light~er by Michael K. Snyder (msnyder) - Short, Horror - The story of a man who lives daily as a suave ladykiller, and moonlights as something much darker. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

You'll want to SUPER: Blah, blah - your opening. With your definition of moonlighting...

Wow, this did nothing for me. You give Ashley enough character for us to like her and then you kill her for no reason? And the cannibalism came from nowhere. It added nothing to the story.

Ashley's character was well created. Kris was a robot. Likeable becuz of his relationship with his dog. Why did you want us to like him?  You should explore this more and setup the twist. Don't just drop it on us...

Sorry, I didn't like it.

James

Thanks.

It's a horror script, James, hence the cannibalism and death. The point of this is to show that anybody could kill somebody. The cannibalism is just an added horror element for this spec script. The character development is an exercise to enhance the story and showcase my writing abilities.

Thanks for the read!

Hey Michael,

I just gave this one a read.  I thnk it has some potential, and I liked it more than Jwent, but I think he has some valid points regarding the structure of your story.  

So, I don't have a problem with you making Kris a likeable guy (the dog) because it's part of your twist at the end, but I agree with Jwent in that I think you need to develop him a bit more.  He's just so vanilla and uninteresting (***SPOILERS*** other than the fact that he is a killer and a cannibal).  I think you need to spice him up a bit.  I realize that you wanted his actions to come as a shock to the audience, but I think you can sometimes hint to the audience that something more sinister lurks beneath and they will still go along with you.  As it's currently written, Kris just isn't a very interesting character.

The other issue that stood out to me was the dialouge.  I didn't think that it was written poorly as much as I just felt like the conversation was kind of cliched.  For instance, the whole looking at the stars thing, and "we know more about space than the ocean".  I don't know, like I said, I thought it was written adequately, it just didn't work for me.  I'd look to spice that up as well.

Anyway, as I said, I do think that the concept has potential, but I think it needs to be developed a little more.  I'd start by working on the Kris characte and trying to develop him a bit more.  Hope this helps, and good luck.

Craig

Your tagline on the unproduced scripts section sort of gave your story's ending away.  Also, wouldn't a cannibal also have some sexual desires as well?  Surely he could have had sex with her before the stabbing.  Maybe he could kill while having the orgasm?

I agree, I am however considering dropping the cannibal aspect and focusing more on the mo.

I like the idea of a black romance. First some typos:

page 1:It's should be Its (possessive pronoun)
page 1:playmates, not playmate's

First thing I noticed was that not much happens and then you cut to the sushi restaurant where Kris just finished a crazy story? I really want to hear the crazy story at this point in the screenplay. Though I know it's not at all necessary to the story. When they say "Stars not good enough?" "I like this view better." It just sounds flat. Is it supposed to be cheesy? Also it doesn't feel like Ashley deserves to be butchered. Just my preference. Is the meat in the frying pan Ashley?
I think it is solidly written, but it is so dark, and nothing other than dark. Dark-dark, even sacrilegious at one point. Which I'm sure was intentional. It's almost romance-horror, but they don't seem to incorporate into eachother. Hope this doesn't come across too critical, the story is very entertaining, there are just a few tweaks that could make it even better. Thanks for the read.

Hey Michael, can't say I liked this, sorry to say.  Lots of technical issues issues as well as other things that get in the way.  Story-wise, there really isn't much here considering it's 10 pages.

OK, first thing first...your title...not good...made worse because of the way you decided to write it with the pronunciation thing with the dashes.  Not capitalizing it is also a problem, IMO.  And then you've got what should be a SUPER, just sitting there at the top of page 1.  This title and definition thing really doesn't make much sense in terms of your story or script, IMO.

Your writing isn't too good, either.  So many examples of completely unnecessary descriptions that won't and don't come into play.  In a feature, you can get away with some of these because they build character, create mood, etc, but in a short like this, they do nothing other than raise eyebrows in wonderment of why they're here.

Lots of awkwardly phrased lines also, as well as lines that just seem to come out of the blue.  Numerous times, I had to pause and see if I missed or misread something.

Some typos, some grammar issues, blah, blah, blah.

Another BIG issue which you'll want to address ASAP deals with your Slugs, which are filled with mistakes and problems.  You've used a combination of full Slugs and Mini Slugs...no problem there.  The big issue is your incorrect use of "CONT'D" as your time piece in the Slug.  First of all, it wold be "CONTINUOUS", not "CONT'D", but more importantly, many times the new scene is far from a continuation, in terms of time.  For instance, on Page 8, you've got texting Ash in his apartment, then, the next scene switches to a beach, and they're walking together.  In no way is this a continuation in time from the prior scene.  There are many instances of this.

Also, you've got some weird combination of Full and Mini Slugs going.  Again, Page 8 is a god example.  You've got "APARTMENT", then below it, a Mini Slug of "BEDROOM".  These should be combined together as, "INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - MORNING.  Keep your Slugs 100% consistent - it helps with the read and looks so much more professional.

Finally, get rid of those stupid "CONTINUED" on the top and bottom of every page.  Total waste of space.  And, what about a "FADE IN" in the upper left to start your script?  You need it.

Hope this helps.  Take care.

Thanks all for the advice.

Just dropping in to let everyone know that my script was made into a short film in Miami by Pablo Arriola.