Winter Sweethearts by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Short, Romance, Drama - A widower meets an old friend for one more chance at love. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Howdy, Stephen

First, I want to congratulate you on your brave adherence towards the "traditional" left-justified FADE IN:
(Rolls eyes - then winks with a grin.)


BEGIN FLASHBACK
INT. TRAILER, LIVING AREA - NIGHT (1960)
Content, content, content...
END FLASHBACK.
INT. TRAILER, LIVING AREA - NIGHT (PRESENT)
Correctly executed, minus period after END FLASHBACK.

Correct usage of double dash for George's interruption by Sheila.
George takes a deep breath.
         GEORGE
     I loved Mary-Lynne with all my
     heart but... the way you made me
     feel that --
          SHEILA
     -- George... don't...
But Sheila's dialog shouldn't begin with a double dash.
It should just start.

Nice senior citizen melodrama, Stephen.
Fairly moving.

I really liked it. At first I thought they left their loved ones (Ken and Mary-Lynne) and got married - so the end came almost as a twist.

I'm also glad that they did not leave Ken and Mary-Lynne - helps symphasize with them.

Ste –

I liked this. This was a positive vibe story that could have been a little more interesting with some spice over the years. Did you consider starting with the flashback? I did like how she said no to him. Characters were okay. The dialogue was a bit predictable in the flashback. Five pages was about the right length.

Gary

Hey Ste, what’s up, mate?  Felt like reading a short script and posting some comments, and yours fit the bill.

I’ve actually got a lot to say here, and I’m going to break it down into 2 areas…the story and the writing.

Story

It’s very simple, it’s very cliché, it’s something we’ve all seen hundreds of times…but it works for what it is.  It really does, and that’s a credit to you.  Pulling something like this off isn’t as easy as one would think.  I’m really not even sure why this works the way it does, but I actually experienced several emotions while reading this…happiness, sadness, and concern for George’s physical well being.  In the end, I was happy for George and Sheila.

I think writing a short dealing with something so simple and universal is great practice for writers of all levels.  In 5 pages, you’ve managed to pull us into the lives of 2 people over 50 years,  You’ve managed to make us care for these 2, and I commend you for that.

I don’t quite get your title.  What does winter have to do with anything?  Did I miss something?

The Flashback is effective here, but IMO, it’s too much of the script. Are we to assume that this is the same trailer from 50 years ago?  I don’t think that makes sense, personally.

Writing

You know the way I am, Ste, so anything I say here shouldn’t come as a surprise.  The things I bring up may sound very nitpicky and petty, but they’re such easy fixes and great examples of little ways to make your script “read” better and “look” cleaner.  Here goes…

Slugs – Some issues here, IMO.  For some reason, you’re using commas inside your Slugs, when you should be using dashes.  You’ve also got some Mini Slugs in here that seem rather haphazardly used.  IMO, always use full Slugs, unless you’ve got a character moving from 1 room of a structure to another…or, if you just want to show the passing of time in the same exact location..  Maybe it’s just my personal preference, but your Slugs read clunky and not well thought out, for some reason.  Also, I’m against using a time period in a Slug, as it doesn’t transfer to film, and IMO works kind of like an aside.  If you want to show that we’re many years in history, use a SUPER, or don’t worry about it at all (I don’t think it really matters here, so I’d just lose the year in the Slugs).

Parenthesis for character description – many people use parenthesis for writing a character’s age.  I personally don’t like it, but there’s obviously nothing wrong with it.  But, when you use them, you can make some errors because of them, which you’ve done here.  One issue is those pesky commas.  Without using parenthesis, you’d use commas after each descriptive word, but when you omit a comma because of the parenthesis, and have another descriptive word, it looks odd…see what I mean?  And another issue is when you decide to include more than just an age description inside the parenthesis, like you did with Sheila’s intro.  See how it differs from George’s intro?  I always say to keep things 100% consistent.  When you use those pesky parenthesis, you’re opening yourself to potential errors down the road.

Sometimes you’re writing in complete sentences and others, you’re not.  For me, it reads poorly, because it’s not consistent.  When you omit “he”, “she”, or the like, you’re saving yourself a few spaces, but many times, you’re also degrading the read, IMO, and many times, you could just as easily include these incomplete thoughts with the sentence they follow…and the whole thing would read better, IMO.

There are a bunch of awkwardly phrased lines in here that could so easily be cleaned up.  With only 5 pages, I would think a couple edits would catch all these.

Punctuation problems throughout.

Incorrect use of “and” throughout, as well as unnecessary use of “and” throughout.

Overall

As I said, this is an effective little story that succeeds in what it sets out to do.  IMO, it could be cleaned up so easily so it could look and read better.  You have a way with simple stories and that’s a very good thing.

Hope this makes sense and helps.  Take care.

Ste,

I liked it. Short, sweet, and touching. I guess I have a little problem with him referreing to"that night" as did you feel something? Would've guessed they had been friends over all these years. Unless they never saw each other again.

I don't like your use of wrylies. Didn't you hear Jessica Alba? If actors don't read the lines properly, they sure as hell don't follow the use of direction in scripts either.

I did enjoy it, though. I got the title. Winter is a metaphor for death? nicely done.

James

Thanks Don for posting this and cheers for the reads.

Ray
Thanks for the technical advice. I always do the double dash for both pieces of dialogue - the one being interrupted and the interruptee. For me it makes it clearer for how those bits of dialogue will be spoken.

Khamanna
Yeah, both George and Sheila are very old fashioned. Sheila is also very religious (In a rewrite she'd have a crucifix necklace that she toys with while waiting for the ambulance.) For some people, marriage actually means 'til death us do part' - and these two are like that.

Gary
Pleased you liked it. The script was actually for the NYCMM Short Screenplay Challenge (it didn't do well :() so I only had 48hrs to write this. That may explain the couple of problems you had with it.

Jeff
Pleased you liked it mate. While I didn't agree with the majority of the feedback from the judges, she did open it up with 'Clean script' - so I'll cling to that haha, as the rest was pretty negative.

The location for the competition was a trailer park - so yeah, it's the same trailer as 50 years ago. I don't see how that doesn't make sense. Maybe a little unlikely, but some people choose to live like that.

Appreciate your thoughts and it's something I'll keep in mind on future scripts.

James

'That night' was supposed to have upset things for them really. It was never spoken about, but although they did see each other after, both of them kept a bit of a barrier up because of their feelings and their respect and love for their own partners. I know that's not explained in the script but that's the craic :/

Yeah, you're right with the title. Death or the 'winter' of their lives.

Thanks again for the reads.

Ste

Heya Stephen,

Congrats on posting this little ditty.
It's refreshing to see a golden years story on the site.
Jeff pointed out the technical snafus already.
I agree with him the half sentence description thing threw my rhythm too.
For me, that kind of stuff can work in action scenes, but not geriatric love stories.
You set up everything here pretty well, its not a hard to follow story.
I would have liked to see a little more forbidden romance in the flashback.
I'm pretty invested in your story right up to the last scene.
The last scene kills it dead for me.
I personally don't care for plot convenience deciding the fate of characters.
Instead of George and Sheila coming to terms with their feelings and moving forward...
...its the I never knew how I truly felt until you had a conveniently timed heart attack.
Meh.
I liked it better when it was about folks moving on.
Stepping up to the table and take another chance at happiness, together.

Overall, its a nice story, even better if I ignore the plot device ending.
Good effort and keep up the writing, look forward to seeing more.

Regards,
E.D.

Cheers E.D

Yeah, your main complaint is pretty much the same as what the judge who gave me the feedback was - "Everything happens too easy and conveniently, Sheila has a change of heart very easily and George seems to get a heart attack conveniently to make Sheila rethink everything."

The criteria for the comp was Genre- Romance, Object - Stretcher, Location - Trailer Park. So the idea came from an oldish guy having a heart attack when he's rejected. I can see where it lets the story down and gives it a somewhat unsatisfying ending - the protagonist hasn't worked for the resolution of his problem.

The technical stuff is just really my writing style. Maybe I should start applying different styles depending on what's happening in the script. It's a fair point that in a fairly slow moving short the descriptions shouldn't be so jumpy. I'll keep it in mind in future.

Cheers

Ste

Hey Stephen,

Quite a moving drama you've got here. Nicely done, mate.

My only grip: the timing of the heart attack felt too convinient and artificial. Maybe you could replace this with some terminal disease that George is diagnosed before proposing? George breaking the news (or Sheila finding out on her own) could be what pushes her to come clean about her feelings.

Good job, though.

Hi Ste,

I liked this story.

I would change the heart attack to the idea mr z suggested.

Also, you have a flashback in 1960, what is the present day? I would assume the year the reader is reading the story?  And change faucet to tap, faucet is such an american word.  And in three years of selling taps I nor the customers ever asked for a faucet.

Javier

Ste

I can't say I liked this too much I'm afraid. Far too cliché, simplistic and maudlin for my taste, made all the more apparent by the short length. Everything happens so quickly and straightforward that we never get time to really get into the characters and their motivations. Also the all too idyllic ending bordered on the cringe factor for me, sorry.

I mean, if George was a good friend of Ken's how come he never met Sheila before? Instead, he decides to bring her over after they have become engaged to make the announcement. Then, in a matter of moments, George has fallen for his friend's fiancé over a mere exchange of looks making him pissed off at the said announcement. What a selfish, impulsive drama queen, pull yourself together, man! >:(

Seriously though, this felt too rushed and contrived. It was like you were trying to squeeze all the relationship dynamics into one short flashback resulting in zero character development and emotional investment.

I can only hazard a guess that this was written for a competition or something thus tailored towards certain restrictive criteria as I’ve read far superior stuff from you before.

Col.

Hm... wasn't really feeling the story. An old  man asks his dead best friends wife to marry him.  The script seemed to lead me to believe that the old husband and wife were the problem, and their deaths were the solution. Since this was suppose to be a touching story, it's hard for me to feel good about the outcome of events.

So since the concept bothered me, I can't really suggest you to change anything.

I did love your writing style though. Reminds me of my own. :)  

This is an effective story that works pretty well. One comment I'd make, beyond the ones above, is that the characters in this worked okay, but they all felt a bit bland/nice. This is something I've seen in my own scripts. I'd suggest giving them each a quirk or an unusual interest or background, and seeing if that adds an extra dynamic to the story.

Philip