Love, Life and Bowlers by LT (webbwayne) - Short - Two events will happen to Monsiuer Lapatee that will change his life forever. The first, he will find his soul mate and it will be love at first site. The second, he will die. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

I actually only posted this short film to show the difference between script to film and if directors stay true to the material. I filmed it, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vi6DJMyLaBQ , I hope you enjoy. Critiques are VERY welcome! lol

Can't really say I enjoyed this. There's wasn't enough character development or substance. The whole thing seemed preachy without there being a strong premise or theme. I think the narrators VO just made it far too cheesy. In a piece as short as this, it really has to be all about the visuals.

Repeating the logline at the start of a 2.5-page script was... not helpful.

The narrator told us what you could have spent more time showing us.

There are some formatting issues here as well, but my main thing was some confusion on the last page - it says the Monsieur Lapatee is dead, and yet Monsieur Lapatee's shoes get picked up by "he" - it took me too many re-reads to realize you were talking about the Bowler Hat as if it were a character of its own and that the hat picked up the shoes, not the dead Monsieur Lapatee.

This has some potential, if you focused less on stating your theme of love and fleeting life and more time showing it, even in the short space you gave to this film.

The beginning of this felt a lot like the Will Ferrell movie stranger than fiction, maybe if you cut the narrator after the dream in the beginning it would be ok, but as what written above a lot of what was said could be shown instead.

The bowler hat picking up the shoes or whom ever picks them up, doesn't makes sense to me or move the story along. You could cut with the bowler rolling into someone else and someone picks it up but it's not really needed.

I read the script then watched the film. Here's my thoughts...

Pretty much the same as the others. Too much is said by the narrator that can be seen. I get the sort of thing you're going for here but I think the narrator needs to go a bit deeper into Monsiuer Lapatee's thoughts and such.
I also thought, at the beginning anyway, that this was quite similar to 'Stranger than Fiction'. You took it in a different direction but it started off with the same feel, as Monsiuer Lapatee reacted to what the narrator was saying.

In the script I didn't get the ending at all. On film, it still doesn't really make sense but at least I knew who was picking up the hat.

Overall, it's a pretty surreal short - which I'm sure is what you went for. I normally like my surreal films and comedy but this wasn't really for me.

Ste

I didn't get the ending. Is Monsieur dead? I agree that it's like STRANGER THAN FICTION in some respects, maybe in all respects; just the Readers Digest version with the names being changed to protect the innocent.

Hi Lance,

First off, congrats on the film.

I haven't seen "Stranger than Fiction", so I can't speak to any similarities there.  I thought it was an interesting concept.  I watched your film first, and then I read the script.  I didn't have the issue with whether Lepartee was dead because I felt like the film made that pretty clear, but I can see how some might be confused if they are just reading the script.

The biggest issue I have with this one is the log line.  After watching the film, I'd argue that Lepartee didn't find his soul mate, and it wasn't love at first sight at all, at least not for him.  I think it's a little misleading and you might want to consider making it a bit more ambiguous.  Anyway, just a thought.  Best of luck.

Craig

Hey thanks for your comments! I appreciate it! As for the shoe-Lapatee ordeal, yeah I can see how you got confused.

Also, the love at first site ending is one sided. I'd rather it be one sided on the women who loves him rather then Lapatee who is more or less stuck because this was his destiny of sorts.

Thanks for the comments though. =)

Lance,

Congrats on making the short film. That's a Herculean task in and of itself.
The "Stranger than Fiction" argument has been beaten to death already.
Your narrator spends much time belying the obvious after the revelation.
He keep telling us things we can see and process for ourselves.

Assuming Lepartee can hear the narrator, why the heck does he leave his house?
Call me crazy, but if I knew I would die after I find true love, I might want to stay in.
A day on the couch with some Cheetos and the remote control sounds logical.

Personally, I don't like loglines that lie. Embellishment is cool, but tricks, not so much.
I like the tone you are trying to achieve, I just didn't like how we got there.

Good luck with the writing.

Regards,
E.D.

P.S. Awesome bowler.

LT

As someone else mentioned, I was reminded of Stranger Than Fiction at the beginning.

Not much to say here really, I actually predicted when the bowler hat took off that it would lead him to his soul mate right before he'd get knocked down in all the ensuing distraction...and lo and behold! that's what happened.

It is unclear (or at the very least) confusing who picks up the hat at the end. It read like it was Lapatee again but how could that be since he is supposed to have just died? I see that the film confirms this.

Anyway, on the basis of the story and the tone I get its all to be taken with a cellar of salt. So why not have the dead guy reappear in the closing shot (which incidentally, recalled the closing scene of Hal Ashby's Being There)

I did like what you did with the film though, endearing, amusing and not without its share of light eccentricities. A nice tonic to dilute a bad day.

It was not really enjoyable for me.

The logline, I didn't like.

In your first Narrator it says two things will happen then in your next Narrator it says the second event: he will die- which would really be the third event.

In scripts I've been told not to use ?!(amateur)

In your descriptives like: Monsieur Lapatee is now shaving, flossing... using a lot of verbs with ing ....need to write more in the present with action descripts.

Congrats on filming the short.