The Art of Persuasion - In Production

Nice.

I don't like people offing themselves because it happens so much. It's such a quick way to end stories after people screw themselves up.

The push pull between good an evil has a nice flow, Matthew listening to each voice, struggling with decisions, making the wrong ones for the wrong reasons and being influenced all the way, then losing. It would be interesting to see where Matthew is now, since we get to see Alexander afterwards.

And what of Gabriella? Does she go back to God and say she lost that one, better luck on the next one?

Why not make Matthew a punk? But then we might not care about him. But the punk would have the same struggle, same influences of good and evil, right?

Thanks for the read. Glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted Text

I don't like people offing themselves because it happens so much. It's such a quick way to end stories after people screw themselves up.

I understand but I needed this story to end. I wanted this to be a short, with a small cast, and with limited locations to entice filmmakers to want to film this, if interested.

And I wanted Matthew to lose. By killing himself, Matthew goes to hell according to Catholicism.

Quoted Text

The push pull between good an evil has a nice flow, Matthew listening to each voice, struggling with decisions, making the wrong ones for the wrong reasons and being influenced all the way, then losing. It would be interesting to see where Matthew is now, since we get to see Alexander afterwards.

Thanks. I really worked on that for a while.

Quoted Text

And what of Gabriella? Does she go back to God and say she lost that one, better luck on the next one?

Why not make Matthew a punk? But then we might not care about him. But the punk would have the same struggle, same influences of good and evil, right?

It's a loss for God. It never crossed my mind to include Gabriella and God. I'll take that into consideration. Thanks

I wanted people to care for Matthew. This short is representation of what people are suffering in NY with the job loss and bad economy.

If you want something read of yours, let me know. Thanks for your critique.
Gabe

Gabriel,
Oh no, another review from this guy…

Overall I liked this.  Here are my comments.

Highlights

I liked the father treating the son as a dumb ass.  I also liked how his father started out with innocuous statements like “did you have a good day.’

Matthew was a typical male, blind to the possibilities around him.  Leave it to the wife to work out a compromise solution.

The pace was good and started cooking when the father calls.

Things to consider:

Word choices in the beginning.  What does dressed heavily mean? Dressed in all-white is the same is dressed in white.  The word all seldom adds anything to the sentence. When sitting in the car people are identified as sits at, sits in, sits on.

What did “repeats again” add to your story?

this is a story told many ways many times on the boards.  Yours is unique in that it involves seeing the crime on TV.

I hard time differentiating between Gabriel and Alexander through their dialogue.  Just too friendly between them.

Matthew was tougher than I thought, or weaker depending on how I look at it. I am not sure if I felt his desperation. Almost but not quite.

Thought the ending with Lucifer was weak. Could have ended after the gun shot.  Where was Gabriella’s wrapup time with God.

I wonder if the story would have been more powerful if you had not had the Alexander and Gabriel characters. perhaps having his brother and his wife playing the roles of good versus evil.  And the old man playing a godlike roll.

Did the kid get shot?  I wasn't sure.  If so, that would make sense as to why Matthew shot himself even though he had a newborn  at home.

Hope this helps,

Gary

Howdy Gabe

It's been nice to finally read something of yours.
It's nice.

I remember you working on something for the last 7WC, that you were going slow for the reasons such things happen, and I remain interested in whatever product finally has come of that, no matter the time elapsed.
It's all good. No hurries. No worries.

If Clorox Martini hadn't said it first I might not have noticed, but the good and evil arguments do flow well.
The consistent patter between them, despite escalating events in Matthew's life, carries well to the end as if they've worked this routine over centuries almost losing enthusiasm rather than honing it.
I don't think their bosses have noticed. ;)

Aside from the absence of the much ballyhooed left-justified FADE IN: your formatting looks fine.
Flashback is done well, although it doesn't really add anything to the story. Without it the story goes just fine.
One less scene for a director to shoot!

I kind of understand that the victor, Alexander, gets face time with the boss.
Makes sense to me as is.
Sux2B the loser. Oh, well.

The subject is rather "done", but this is a fine, fimable execution of it.
When I did THE OTHER HOOF everyone saw it going in eight different directions, all completely missing my intentions, so I'll refrain from suggesting "additional avenues" to pursue.

It's nice.
Cut the flashback, but otherwise it's fine.

Please save a review for AUTOMATED (working title) to be posted in a couple weeks.
Gracias!

Whoops, looks like there's two versions of this posted for some reason.
I'll re-post my comments here...

Hey Gabe.

I'll give you another read. You've been generous with your time on my stuff.

Gotta say, I don't care for angel/demon conscience battle ideas in general.
This one is no different, right down to the all white and all black clothing.
I had a problem with your opening, is was frustratingly wordy.
Instead of taking a sentence to describe each character's seating assignment in the car...
How about, "Matt looks at the picture as he drives." Takes care of him.
"Gabriela looks at the cell phone in his hand." Watch the road, she says.
Alexander leans forward between the pair. Then deliver his opening dialog.
This tells the story instead of telling seat assignments. Just my thought.

Put "Winter" in your slug instead of taking extra lines about heavy clothing.
Stuff like this would have helped me stay focused on your opening page.

p. 3 Heed my warning, very prophetic, was that intentional?
p. 5 The slo mo direction after the gun is fired yanked me out of your story.
p. 7 Seems weird the concerned mother isn't calling.
She only speaks after Matt calls the jerky dad type.

I have a hard time getting into a character that kills innocents to pay bills.
We don't see Matt debate with the angel and demon characters.
That's usually where the meat of these types of story is, the conflict.
For a story about the battle of conscience, there's very little dilemma or debate.

Sorry, Gabe, I didn't care for this one.
Good luck on Obscure and thanks for posting.

Regards,
E.D.

Thanks Guys,

To Gary

Thanks for the highlights.

In regards to your considerations:

I'll work on my word choices. The "dressed heavily" was something I was debating on either deleting or keeping. It was supposed to mean that Matthew was wearing his coat with a hoodie. But I didn't want to be too specific with his clothes. But it was my mistake. I should have just written it.

"Repeats again" was my way in not repeating the clerk going to the cash register, taking money out, and putting it in the bag. I'll see what I can do with this.

I was hesitant in putting the tv scene in since I wanted this to be low budget. But then i thought, it could be done in low budget by not showing much, so it stayed. :)

They know each other through Matthew. They've been doing this for a while in order to win Matthew's soul for the long or short run.

I'll work on showing his desperation. I admit that. Probably show his tattered clothing or add a flashback.

I wanted to promote my Christian script :). And if people liked Alexander much, wanted to say he would be in my next Christian script. Guess I was wrong. lol.

I never though about giving Gabriella time with God at the end. She did lose. But you're the second person to bring this up, so I'm taking into this consideration.

I strictly wanted this to be angel and demon scenario. Nothing with the family. It would have made a surprising reveal for example that the wife was a demon. However, the angel and demon represented his inner thoughts. Also, I didn't want  anyone to represented as a angel or demon.

The clerk did get shot but survived hence the robbery came on the news.

Hopefully this makes sense. If not ask me and I'll explain.
Gabe

Hey ray

I've seen you commenting a lot. Don't be afraid to offer your view on how a story should go. It might help the writer out.

I'm still working on the feature. It's a long battle. lol.

I wanted there to be highs and lows for the angel and demon throughout the story.  Life ain't simple so. :)  Their dialogue was one of the the hardest parts of the script.

I noticed after I submitted it. That's how focus I get to a story. I forgot that :)

The flashback was meant to establish the reason why Matthew commits this robbery and Sarah before we make it to the apartment. I was even thinking about adding a flashback or a scene where Matthew shoots the clerk. But i couldn't think of anything.

Thanks. I've been messing up on execution for a while. But I'm sure some people are going to say this sucks so. lol.

let me know when AUTOMATED comes up.

Gabe

Hey E.D.

Thanks for your comments. The angel and demon conscience story gets tiring after a while. I was very hesitant in writing this since I saw people writing this type of story. But I like the topic. :) You gotta write what you like.

Matt's not driving. He's parked. But I get your point. I'll see how I can trim this.

The "heed my warning" comment was intentional. It's hard to describe but...let's say person A tells person B 7 numbers and tells him to play this in the lottery. Person B doesn't since he's a hard head. person A tries to convince him to play it but person B doesn't. The 7 numbers come out and Person B is angry at himself since he didn't follow person A. Hopefully this makes sense. If not, I'm a very complicated person. :)

He didn't kill the clerk. The dad says that the clerk survived. And it was a robbery, no murder was intended. It just so happens that Alexander had other plans.

No worries. I'm glad for your time and comments. Let me know if you want me to read something of yours.

Gabe

Well... if you're askin' [how the story should go]... ;)

Skip the flashbacks.
As dumb as I think most people are, I'm pretty sure the opening of Matt looking at his girl and his daughter on his cellphone sells the family need well enough.
No benefit to hammering it in twice.
Story isn't that complex.

Second, as Matt's situational anxiety ratchets up so should the arguing intensity and "passion" between Gabby & Alex.
All three elements escalate together.
The story is really about them much more so than Matt.
If they're fighting for souls - then fight, d@mmit!
Put some "soul" into your soul-game.

Third, no need at all for Matt to have even shot or let alone kill the clerk.
Armed robbery with shots fired is deep enough doo-doo.
Matt could be such a wiener that he's suiciding over just getting in family and police trouble over robbing the store.
No need for a killing.

Fourth, and purely just because I'm an @ss, I'd make Alex more over the top.
Page ten butt f#cked remark coulda gone ten times farther.
I think you could make it a stress-comedy scene there.

As is, I don't like Matt.
I don't empathize with his supposed plight or dilemma.
Anyone dumb enough to rob a grocery store with cameras rolling deserves to get what's coming.
For God's sake. Rob the pizza dude on a Friday night.
D'ja!
Idiot!
Rob a barber shop. Not a hair salon. Women do checks and cards. Guys do cash. Rob a barber shop.
Dumb munkey moron.
He deserves to goto h3ll just on general principles.

How'zat? ;D

Quoted from RayW

LMAO. Honesty is the best policy.

As to your first comment, I'll consider removing it. I wanted to establish Sarah and Matthew's dilemma early on. But, like you said, it's already implied. I'll think about it.

Second comment, I was thinking of Alex using curse words against her but I found it to be crappy. No one curses a lot. I wanted their insults to be with class.

Third comment, the shooting was supposed to lessen Matthew's morale and show that Alexander was up to no good from the beginning. Alex shouts gun when the clerk didn't have one. Gabriella points this out. Matthew just doesn't realize it.

Fourth comment, I presume you liked Alex's victory dance. lol. I was really scared that people will find that weak like Gary. But I kept it since it cracked me up when I came up with it. I never saw that in a film, IMO.

At the end, it was the clerk that provided the sketch to the police. Matthew was wearing a hoodie to cover his face. But I need to work on showing this part of this.

Hope this explains it,
Gabe

Hey, Gabe.  Great to see you writing something that is generally well-received as opposed to confusing the cr*p out of everybody.  I trust you know I mean that in a friendly way, as I do find that your stuff has a unique voice that you continue to improve upon.

I liked the flash as a transition from the car to the park.  That was a nice touch.

But I was confused by the voices of Alexander and Gabriella after Matthew enters the store.  Were they actually there, or was this VO?  Fix this oversight; I would go with the VO.

When Matthew watches the news, I would replace the police sketch with surveillance footage from a security camera.  Perhaps in the parking lot.  Then the clerk could have died, which vastly increases the stakes for Matthew -- and as a bonus, his final act makes a little more sense.

From your comments, I think you are placing too much emphasis on this stuff with the hoodie -- overthinking it, you know?  Show his face, move the story, no big deal.

For me, you might be taking Alexander a bit too far once Matthew commits his final act, but the first line you give him is great.  The perfect reaction for that character.  Keep that, for sure.

I know exactly what you are going for with your final scene haha.  It is always a risk to reference another of your works in a script, but I enjoy it when writers do so, and I have done it myself.  I am not sure if I should encourage you to keep that little shout-out, but I did want to let you know that at least one reader recognized your intent.

And I reached the end without scratching my head one time!  Nice work, Gabe.  This script represents an improvement, and I enjoyed it -- although you do need to go through and add VO where necessary in a consistent fashion.

I was beginning to wonder if I would ever see a script from you that had no WTF moments.  Now I find that I almost miss them...

Hey Bert

Thanks for comments. I'm enthralled that one of my works is received with no scratching heads. :) I knew this would happen sometime in my life. Now that it has, I'm going to try and retain this, espeically with my feature.

Quoted Text

But I was confused by the voices of Alexander and Gabriella after Matthew enters the store. Were they actually there, or was this VO? Fix this oversight; I would go with the VO.

Alex and Gabby were there. I wanted them to be present throughout the script. But I will consider the VO.

Quoted Text

When Matthew watches the news, I would replace the police sketch with surveillance footage from a security camera. Perhaps in the parking lot. Then the clerk could have died, which vastly increases the stakes for Matthew -- and as a bonus, his final act makes a little more sense.

From your comments, I think you are placing too much emphasis on this stuff with the hoodie -- overthinking it, you know? Show his face, move the story, no big deal.

Point taken. I'm taking some time away from this short in order to rewrite it later.

Quoted Text

For me, you might be taking Alexander a bit too far once Matthew commits his final act, but the first line you give him is great. The perfect reaction for that character. Keep that, for sure.

It was fine I was walking there. But I'm glad that you liked one part of it. Writers gotta take those risks.

Quoted Text

I know exactly what you are going for with your final scene haha. It is always a risk to reference another of your works in a script, but I enjoy it when writers do so, and I have done it myself. I am not sure if I should encourage you to keep that little shout-out, but I did want to let you know that at least one reader recognized your intent.

Thank You Bert. Acknowledgment is accepted. I might take that out in the rewrite to make it a more drama piece. Haven't decided yet. I like the idea of a prequel.

Quoted Text

And I reached the end without scratching my head one time! Nice work, Gabe. This script represents an improvement, and I enjoyed it -- although you do need to go through and add VO where necessary in a consistent fashion.

That's one of the best comments I've ever received. That's a good sign my writing is looking up.

Quoted Text

I was beginning to wonder if I would ever see a script from you that had no WTF moments. Now I find that I almost miss them...

I have plenty of shorts on this site. God be with you if you do go back and look at them.

Thanks again,
Gabe

Good work overall, but I would follow the advice given by the others about tweaking the story here and there. Good draft that just needs some more polishing.

I do suggest that both Alexander and Gabriella wear gray clothes. The black and white clothing were too cliche.

Gabriel,

I hate to report that this didn't do a whole lot for me. I've seen the angel/devil (good/bad) scenario played out a lot of times (especially in short films) and this didn't really add anything. I feel like, if you're going to tackle something like this, you should do something different and not the standard black v. white costumes. Maybe make the supposed evil one good? Or something else, I guess I just don't know what.

The ending also just came off as too slapstick for my tastes, especially after Matthew blows his brains out. I know it was your intent to switch it up drastically - produce a bigger laugh - but it didn't work for me.

Random Notes

p.1 - The very first line of the script comes off as clunky/awkward.

p.1 - "Dressed heavily" - I feel like there's a better way of saying that.

No other notes besides that.

-Matt

Hey Dressel

Thanks for the read. This is an old draft. I wrote a new draft and changed the ending. I made it more serious. I haven't submitted the new one yet since I like this draft.

What I wanted to do was establish Alexander as a character since I will be using him in another script. I was dealing with something cliche but still I'm proud of this nevertheless. It was a old script of mine I drudged up and fixed.

Gabe

Alright, I'm going to write about this even though it was posted a while ago. It might not be something out of the box, but it is still refreshing compared to the other stuff that I have read on here. Matthew's battle with good and evil was great, I was hooked. However, I couldn't stand the ending. It ended too quick, something better could have happened. I didn't like Alexander going back to Lucifer at the end either. Even though he is Alexander's "employer", it still felt out of place to me for this story.

Thanks Branzig for the review,

The idea's cliche but I felt like something I needed to write it nevertheless.

In regards to the ending, it was a nod to a another script I wrote on here for Soulshadows and hint a possible sequel (I"m working on it in brainstorming phase). Also, I wanted to show how evil is (they ruin people's lives for their own living, I'm aware it's cliche.) :)

Let me know if you have something up so I can return the favor.

Gabe

Hi Gabe,

In line with a few comments I fear that the good/bad, White/dark thing has been well rehearsed by others. Having said that I did like the three way dynamics, or should I say the potential of this as it is actually a pull between two forces.

At the end I had one thought which I offer. In essence the existence of good/bad of course depends on the existence of the other. Take one away and they both go. Accordingly, whilst there is a competition between them I wonder whether there could a dynamic in which they are effectively in the same organisation. One takes the White door the other the black door, but under one roof. Like managers competing in the same firm.

Neither can afford for one of them to win all the time, therefore they are secretly pleased when the other wins if it balances it all.

I'll stop waffling now. All the best. RD

Thanks for the review Reef Dreamer

I understand what you are saying. I was thinking of something along those in lines for a feature I had planned to write in the past. Maybe I'll go back once I'm done with the current one.

Anyway, in regards to the short, I kept it simple and wrote what came to me. It's cliche but I like it. lol.

Thanks again.

Gabe

Hey, Gabe,

The story was ok for me except that it runs too straight. I really expected a final twist, a paradox, or something fresh in the end, but saw none. It seems the share of cliche and predictability is too high.

Good luck!

Tim

Thanks Timoff

In this piece I was simply trying to tell a straightforward story. This was a practice script.

Thanks again,

Gabe

Hey Gabriel,

This is a good take on somebody’s conscience. Should Matthew follow good or evil to get out of his financial predicament?

It’s well written in most parts but felt you should have ended it when Matthew shot himself, gives the story a more dramatic ending IMO.

I thought the flashback scene was unnecessary and I had to reread the robbery scene a few times so maybe that could be a bit clearer.

I think you created some strong characters, Alexander being the strongest in amongst the three main characters.

Overall this a good read with an intriguing plot.

Good job and keep writing.

Steve

Alright Guys

I am pleased to announce the Kickstarter link:

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/490896990/the-art-of-persuasion

Funny little story. I was goggling this online for a while and didn't find it. lol. But thanks to my investigative skills, I did.

I'm so happy! Tears of joy.

Gabe

Hey Gabe

I figured I would read the script before I donated $5000 :D

This was pretty well written and should be interesting to see it portrayed on screen. The good vs evil scenario, I thought was captured well.

Good job Gabe, I look forward to seeing it.

Mark

Thanks Mark

Don't be playing like that Mark! lol. Those words hurt people's feelings. lol.

This is my baby. :) It has two subjects I've always been interesting in. One, angels and demons. Two, something relevant: this shitty economy.

I left this on a possible sequel continuance so, hopefully everything turns out well. :)

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

I liked the sound of your premise -- very tried and true -- so I decided to check this out. Honestly, I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm guessing it was supposed to be a black comedy/satire, in which case I think it was... okay. I wasn't a big fan of Alexander's dialogue or the ending but in that context, it seems copacetic regardless of whether or not it's to my liking. As something else entirely, I don't think it worked very well at all.

I think Matthew's situation is kind of underdeveloped. I mean, all I know is that he has a kid and needs money and that presumably he's tried to get a job. I'd like to see more than that. As of now, it seems like we're just supposed to go with the situation given the theme of the story. I don't think that's enough.

Also, I honestly have a hard time wrapping my head around a guy in his early 20s resorting to crime before asking for money from his family. Late 20s or early 30s seems a little more plausible. I think shame would play a bigger factor then. But if a guy's desperate, it might be an easier pill to swallow if this guy's just starting his life as far as would-be money lenders are considered. I'd think about raising his age.

One thing I definitely didn't like was Gabriella's dialogue. It reads like it was written deliberately and solely to denigrate any other stance on this situation. Way too self-aware. The character wouldn't say the lines otherwise and if your shooting for social commentary, dialogue like this completely buries any potential for that because it makes the whole thing a one-sided argument.

Regardless, I think the idea has potential. Just could use some tweaking. Not sure if my review means much if this does in fact go into production (wish you the best, BTW) but figured I'd throw my two cents out there regardless.

Hey James

It's been a while. How's everything?

Thanks for taking a dump on my baby.  :'(

lol! I'm joking. ;D

:) It's cool. As with everything, there's going to some people that are not going to enjoy some elements. I can dig it. And you weren't all that negative. :)

As I mentioned to Mark, I've always had a thing for angels and demons. All I needed was a situation to put them in. Thus, this shitty economy.

This was intended for a Twillight Zone/Reaper series I had in mind of creating. The supernatural element, mixed with some emotion,  and a touch of studying a topic (Why do people do stupid shit? lol).  I still have plans in doing that. It's just taking long to do so. lol.

The age. Due to the crappy economy, I think it can safely be said that it affects the young people as well. Especially in Matthew's case, he has a baby.

Gabriella's dialogue. First, she's an angel so, on that basis alone she's right. lol. And second, she's going against a demon she's battled against before; it reinforces the first one.

Furthermore, I wanted her delivery to be tantamount to what a family member or a close friend might say. Granted people's delivery are different, nevertheless I've received this type of delivery before. So, as the old adage goes, I'll stick to what I know.

Thanks again James

Let me know if you want something read. I'm always down.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley

The age. Due to the crappy economy, I think it can safely be said that it affects the young people as well. Especially in Matthew's case, he has a baby.

Man, oh man, do I know the economy affects young people. Believe me. What I was getting at with the age is how Matthew immediately resorts to crime. Of course, other avenues for getting money are difficult or long and drawn out but as it turns out, his family gives him money. It seems it wouldn't have hurt to ask if only to avoid resorting to crime. I don't know... writing this, it seems like this is just a personal gripe but I still feel like Matthew'd have less pride to swallow asking for money being a younger guy than having to admit he's spent the better part of a decade (or more) slogging it out and still coming up short (as someone in their 30s would. Just seems very pigheaded.

Also, why doesn't Sarah tell Matthew about getting the money? Seems like the last thing you would want to sit on if you and your spouse've got debts and whatnot.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley

Gabriella's dialogue. First, she's an angel so, on that basis alone she's right. lol. And second, she's going against a demon she's battled against before; it reinforces the first one.

Furthermore, I wanted her delivery to be tantamount to what a family member or a close friend might say. Granted people's delivery are different, nevertheless I've received this type of delivery before. So, as the old adage goes, I'll stick to what I know.

I admittedly made a huge mistake with Gabriella's dialogue. I actually thought this was coming from the angel character:

Quoted Text

Go back to job hunting, Matthew. In this tough economical time where businesses are laying off, you have a great shot of nailing a job like the million others. Or ask your family or girlfriend’s family who are barely making enough money to sustain themselves to lend you. Or go begging in the streets, I hear people are generous.

Apparently not. That's what happens when you read scripts at 1 in the morning, I guess. Anyway, forget that one.

Happy to help.

Nah dude.

We all make mistakes when we review. The fact that you took time especially 1 am to read this and leave your critique matters. Don't think I'll forget it. :)

Let me know when you want something read. I'm down.

Gabe

Hey Gabe!

Congratulations on getting this into somebody's hands!  I remember reading this before, (I remember loving the title for it, plus, I had to download it onto my computer to read it and it was right next to my file for my short Art's Tattoo Removal, so I remember seeing it quite a lot), but I don't see the comments I made on it.

I remember enjoying it, though.

Congratulations and I hope all the money comes through for you guys.  I'm broke right now, but I do have a payday coming up before the deadline.

I've always wanted an Ass Producer credit, but I'll probably only be getting a poster and DVD.  :-)

Good luck!

- Mark

What's up Mark? How's everything.

Congrats on your script Ephesian.

I think I remember reading Art's Tattoo Removal and leaving a review on that. I gotta check that out. lol.

I've always liked this one since everyone else liked it. lol. But despite that, I deal with a subject matter that's relevant and deal with angels and demons.

Donate whatever you can. I understand times are tight so any amount matters. Just please spread the word so it can reach others. :)

Hopefully this gets made. :)

Gabe

Pg1
Is the car moving or still, on or off ?
First two sentences read clumsy
Are they hi brow or normal people? Attain funds= get money
Alexanders last verbiage is poorly worded

Pg2
The flashback needs light explaination

Pg3
Is Gabriella excited?
Highbrow or normal? Heed my warning is condescension
Inhales exhales = takes a couple deep breaths
How did Alexander and Gabriella get in the store?

Pg4
Who's hand grabs the brown bag?
Who fills the bag with cash?
Repeats again?

Pg5
GUN! = who's gun, where from?
"Several envelopes stamped "Final Notice" are on the table." = reads "better" / which table?
Alexanders last verbiage reads stuffy "dutifully" is out of place

Pg6
Alexanders first two texts read clumsy. the 4th is too abbreviate

Pg7
A sketch drawing. from who? no witnesses.

Pg8
A FEMALE VOICE ?

Pg9
Gabriella's 2nd text reads too... something. "Best intentions" doesnt fit
Why does Alexander cough?
Gabriellas last is the same as above. "Astray" doesnt fit

Pg10
INT. BEDROOM (LATER) or CUT TO: ?
Direction 4&5 read bad
Gabriellas last text is not cohesive

Pg11
IN THE KITCHEN or CUT TO: ?
at this point the word "funds" is wrong throughout

Pg13
Alexanders actions dont match his previous demeanor. Needs explanation.
Gabriellas reveal needs some visuals
Lucifer (the devil) is omnipotent. He would "appear" to be in his 50's
Lucifers last text. Cant wait for more what?

I think the two "beings" need to act and speak more consistently to make the reveal work. Their verbiage throughout goes back and forth between friendly and condescending. making me stop and think in a way that ruins the reveal. If they were described as what they are, it would ruin the reveal. If described in a way to endear them, it would make the reveal more exciting.

Good blue devil, red devil story line.

M//

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