Little Lucy by William Nicholas Clay - Short, Drama - A private eye struggles to solve the case of a missing girl.  5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Little Lucy (2011) from William Nicholas Clay on Vimeo.

"MARY, our little girl’s mother," we wouldn't know this until Jack say's "Mary, Lucy's mother" so you scrap that line and save some space.

I LISTENED to her talk. You said "listed"

During those pauses, I think you should add in a line or two of action.

I assumed he did it from the start. People are always going to try and find the twist in what you write. Always. So you have to throw us off with a few things if you're going to have such an obvious ending.

This was okay for what it was.

^^^beat me to it.

There are some instances of passive writing:

"He's holding a cigarette..."

"Jack is sitting inside his car."

"Jack is talking to a detective." etc.

You gave your main character the typical private eye voice. It's good in that you made him distinctive, but bad in that it's cliche'd. But that is part of the genre, so it can be excused.

The ending doesn't work b/c you failed to seed the story with clues that point at him as the abductor, and you didn't create enough suspects/red herrings to throw the reader off his trail.

But as a writing exercise (if that's what this is) you did a nice job. Congrats.

Thank you for reading!

Yes, it is a writing exercise. I did another draft, which I feel is a bit better. I just don't know how to re-post that instead of this one.

I am going to turn this into a short film. I wanted to do something that can be short, sweet, and to the point. I need more practice before I tackle a feature or something longer.

Re; John C -- I tried my best to point to him as the abductor, or give hints. I hate in films where you don't see it coming at all or the character doesn't give a single hint throughout and all of a sudden...BAM! It's them. It feels cheated in a sort.

If I fleshed it out to be longer, I'd throw in more suspects. But thank you to the both of you for checking it out and giving me feedback.

Quoted from William N. Clay I did another draft, which I feel is a bit better. I just don't know how to re-post that instead of this one.

Just re-submit the updated version and make a note stating that fact.  I believe is the correct way, if I'm wrong... someone will correct me.

Ghost  

William,

Good of you to post something. I'd ease up on the wrylies... (pause)... in the middle of your dialogue. As a screenwriter, you have to trust good actors to interpret their roles. Even if you plan on filming this yourself, they may say their lines a bit different then you envision and you may like it.

ALBERT, the ex-husband, exits the building yapping away on
his cell phone. - There's know way to know this on screen. If he's the ex-husband, just let the dialogue explain it. We don't know him anymore then someone watching the film until something is said about him.

Instead of a (Pause) maybe break up your dialogue with a small action. Runs his fingers through his hair. Lights another cigarette. Something for us to visualize.

This doesn't feel like a complete story to me. You've addressed what's happening, just never told us where it goes. It could work as a short film, just wish you had more substance here.

Cheers man. Merry Christmas and happy New year. If you want my thoughts on revised draft, you know how to get a hold of me.

James

William,

This felt very noir for me with some of the VO dialogue. I had actually cottoned onto what you were intending pretty early on, with the reason being there was no other logical conclusion based on the VO and fruitless search. As John C said, you need to throw in a few curveballs to shake the reader.

You really need to expand the script to do so and I don't think delivering this solely in VO is the way forward. All that said, this could probably be filmed in its current guise and result in something compelling. Pretty decent work, but need some steroids.

I don't know if I have much more to say than what's already here, however I did like this, if only for the way I envisioned it on the screen.

Certainly the fact that he's bothering to (pretend to) search for the girl at all is interesting, however as is mentioned above—what's the point? You'll need to create a credible suspect. Probably can't be done in the short space of time you seem to be aiming for, though.

As it stands (and if you're not wanting to make it bigger and more complicate, as you mentioned) I think it works well.

One last point:

...but the worst thing he’s
ever done to that poor girl was
never be there for her.

could be made into:

...but the worst thing he's ever done
to that poor girl is miss every one of
her birthdays since she turned four.

or something similar (i.e. give it that quirky dialogue you've used elsewhere). I think that's probably one of the only points in the dialogue where I felt it went a bit off-the-rails.

Keep writing :)

Hi William,

I liked this, you gave it a good noir-ish feel & i'm a sucker for that kind of story.  Most of the issues that I have with it have been mentioned above, however the biggest problem that I had was that you told most of the story through the voice over.

The old adage "Show, don't tell" is one of the most important lessons you can learn about screenwriting, and as you're writing for the screen, action is the most important tool for telling your story.  Try not to rely too much on exposition-heavy dialogue.

A simple way of improving this would be (as suggested by James) to insert action lines where you currently have pauses.  For example, when Jack is stopped by the teacher outside the school, you have:


A SCHOOL TEACHER stops Jack.

          JACK (V.O)
I never even made it into the
school before some teacher decided
to be an asshole and told me I
couldn’t smoke on school grounds.
            (pause)
I told him to fuck off.


By simply adding in an action line you can give a far greater idea of what's happening visually, and tell us much more about a character than what he's just saying or thinking.  Try something like:


A SCHOOL TEACHER stops Jack.

          JACK (V.O)
I never even made it into the
school before some teacher decided
to be an asshole and told me I
couldn’t smoke on school grounds.

Jack takes a drag on his cigarette and blows smoke in the teacher's face.

          JACK (V.O)
I told him to fuck off.


If you remove the pauses and replace them with action lines throughout the script, not only will it read better, but you'll also be able to flesh out the story more.  Hopefully this helps.

Steve

William,

Congrats on finishing a short.
Completing any script should give one a sense of accomplishment.
I'll be honest with you, personally, I am not a fan of V.O. talk fests.
Why? Because I don't want to be told what's going on.
Screenplays are a visual medium, I want to be shown what's going on.
I don't want to be told what to think, I want to watch and draw my own conclusions.
If I am being told everything, there's nothing for me to do, zero participation.
And if there's nothing for me to do, I get disinterested pretty fast.

I also dislike most "device" stories with the twist ending.
Here's the thing most miss when they use a device in the script.
They build a script around the device, so its about nothing but leading to the device.
Big mistake. A device/twist should ENHANCE an already existing story.
"Sixth Sense" being the best recent example. That movie works without the device.
It's an engaging story about a therapist with something to prove and a troubled boy.
That movie works well without the device, but it becomes much more after the reveal.
Why? Because the device is in SERVICE to the story played out for us. :)
Devices are not a substitute for story, they can be a great tool to enhance one.

Albeit, this is a short and can be shot as is to decent effect.
But we the audience never get a chance to get involved, we're along for the ride.
As stated already, there is no other conclusion than the "twist ending".
Most of your time is spent with dead ends that have zero pay off for the reader.
There's nothing seriously wrong with your approach, its just not satisfying for me.
I'm kind of adrift in your story, waiting to be ushered into the next scene, etc.
If you focus on more in the moment visceral storytelling, this could be fun.

The over writing has already been touched upon as well.
I think it's a big no no us amateurs really struggle with.
It's taken me a year to works towards a lean approach to screenwriting.
You gotta leave room for actors and directors to put their stamp on the story.
Film making is intensely collaborative and it starts with an engaging script.

Thanks for sharing and good luck with your future writing!

Regards,
E.D.

I read the script this afternoon, and since a lot of point s are already covered by the other reviews, I'll make it short.

The overall premise is good, and I think you did a pretty good job introducing the private eye in short amount of time. Of course, he comes across a bit stereotypical, but that'S part of the game when it comes to short I think.

I totally agree that a few more action lines would be helpful. Actually, if everything is told in V.O. speeches, why bothering using film anyway? A bit more description and i coulda been a radio show.

I aint trying to be harsh here, it's just that I personally think V.O. should, (if they have to be there at all), only exist as transitions, for instance to explain what happened over a few years or something.
What would be really cool would be if you turned this into a feature and built around the pre-existing storyline, because I think you could really build on that one.
The way it is, it's more a description of stuff  going on. Sorta like the summaries our English teachers wanted us to write on every novel we read - you never really get the spirit of a story that way.

Nonetheless, thanks for sharing the script with us! Good luck for your next one!
Wish u all the best. :)

The main thing for me is that this script isn't visual. Jack does a lot of talking where no action actually happens - just a shot of him with the mother or the teacher facing each other. And what he says isn't hugely interesting either.

It would be more interesting and punch up the end if he talked about where the girl was last seen, what she was wearng, what time she vanished etc with shots of these places because then he would be talking about what he himself did and you could show him in the shots as if he is revisiting the places but the ending would show us that's him as he actually gets ready to abduct her.

Your dialogue is natural enough and it definitely has the requisite film noir flavour to it but nothing hugely original to really make it stand out - like making Jack a woman who can't have kids or something.

I like your writing style, it flows easily and I like the use of'our little girl's mother' & 'our private eye' even though it is telling rather than showing, it has a unique voice which is always a good thing.

MOre like a short story than a visual blueprint for a short film.

I think in order to care for the girl we need to see her. Also there was a lot of talk and not much action except for him taking notes on a dry while interviewing people.

I think you could start will Lucy, then talk about his relationship to her, make it less talky from the beginning, not to overwhelm us with too much of VO from the very beginning and also to make us care about the characters first.

But the atmosphere is there and I got that it's a film noir from the very first page. The tone is set too and the progression is fine. I think making it visual is the main thing here.

Thank you so much to everybody who has read/replied! A lot of the feedback I've gotten really helps, I can apply it to my future writings.

This is going to be filmed this week. Tuesday being the first day of shooting. I guess I tried to make it as simple as possible in the writing because I am going to do a lot visually with it while shooting. But, it's a good test run and I'll post the finished product up on this page.

Thank you all again for the feedback. It really helps!

Here is a rough cut of the scene we shot Tuesday for your viewing pleasure! The team I had did a great job with the lighting, really helped bring my vision to life.

This is part of the montage where Jack is roughing up his informant:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yf0v_NTMmvg

Too much talk, not enough show.  I like the idea but not the execution.

It's a good idea that the only detective in town is kidnapping people so he drums up business and creates work for himself.  Although it seems a bit of a wasted journey to go around town when all he could probably do is sit at home.

Definitely need to up the ante on this one.

Still good for an exercise though.

All the best.

Javier

Here is the final product. A lot different than what was originally done, but its all a learning experience for me!

http://vimeo.com/31472497

I think it turned out pretty good.

Congrats,

Cindy

I like the shot choices you made here.
It helped smooth over all the VO work.
The pan across to the side view mirror was a nice touch.
The wall mural of the tunnel was very cool too. Kudos.
Nice shots of the city, well done.

Regards,
E.D.

Good job to you and your crew, William. This work looks very pro. As mentioned, some of the shots are nicely done and creative. I am still a bit miffed by the story itself, as to what exactly happens, but this is a nice looking piece to have on your film reel.

James

Thanks, everyone! It was a good learning experience. The hardest thing to film was probably the tunnel sequence, due to having a generator on set to power the lights we set up! But, it was a lot of fun.

Nice script. A great noir feel to it.

Not going to mention everything that has been already said EXCEPT that there still weren't any clues to suspect the detective.

I watched the short film too. Didn't like it too much. When reading this, I was thinking of a Sin City tough guy monologue. I also thought the music was very unnecessary. It just takes you out of the mood. But saying that, I have seen a lot worse and I still enjoyed this.

Nice job on getting this produced :)

It's better directed than it is written, IMO.

I'm usually a defender of VO, but here you could actually have scrapped most of it and just told the story. No offence to your lead actor, but he's no Bogart. Ol' Bogie can ramble on all he wants and I'll just drink in that voice, but that's rarely the case with anyone else (Clive Owen in Sin City as a case in point). Your lead is a bit of a droner, but hey - monologues are tough to do.

The story itself felt like a pastiche rather than an authentic noir tale, although I didn't see the ending coming. By the way, it could have been effective to start in the car on the way to the lock-up, maybe cruising through the dark, so we think he's still continuing the search. Then back through the story, probably VO-less all the way (see the investigative stuff in Hitchcock's Vertigo, no VO there), then back to him pulling into the yard for the big reveal. Obviously it's too late to change now though. :)

I agree about the music, it's distracting. I actually checked to see if it wasn't coming from another program or tab, since it's so background it feels like it's there by accident. It also doesn't really fit the noir tone you've got going on.

BUT - some of the shots were cool (eg. the pan while he was taking photos that ended with the reflection in the wing mirror). and I'm a huge fan of B&W so kudos there. As a stab at a noir piece, it feels like a good attempt, directorially; I just don't think the script is at the same skill level. Consider collaborating next time, perhaps.

Yeah, I understand everybody's points. I'm still trying to get a feel for writing itself, but I'd rather direct.

As for the music, I liked it. Personal touch, I guess. As well as the lyrics are somewhat accurate if you listen.

But, it's all practice. I haven't gone to any film school, I just learn along the way!

Thank you all for watching :)