The Servant by Darren J Seeley - Short, Horror - Hired to watch over her in the day while she sleeps. Stays up at night while she brings home dinner. Hunts those who want to put a stake through her heart. It's his job, and he's a professional Servant to a vampire. 20 pages - pdf, format 8)

I liked this one, Darren, but I had some problems with it.  I got the impression that this was a first or second draft.  There were typos and a lot of awkward wording which I found distracting.

The story, itself, dragged.  You could tighten this up into a nice twelve or fifteen page script.  The big fight scene, I thought, went on way too long.  You can easily cut that in half.

Your main characters were interesting, though you could've done more with them.  I don't know if I missed it or if you chose not to include it, but I don't know who or what Shawshane is.  Everything else seemed simple enough.

The concept of a professional 'servant' is a good one.  It makes a lot of sense in a vampire world; beats the hell out of having a groupie watch over them.

While I said, earlier, that you should cut this down, the idea could be adapted into a feature length script.  THe concept is good enough.


Phil

Thanks for reading, Dogglebe.

Shawshane is a ghoul.