Cougar by Marvin K Perkins - Short, Horror - Dawn Wilson, a cougar, gives new meaning to loving her young men to death. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Marvin,

The ending was telegraphed by your description of the contents of the wine glass - twice - in the opening.

Gary

I saw the ending from the wine glass references as well.  I didn't think the characters were really as developed as they could be; they were very two-dimensional.


Phil

Gary and Phil thanks for your comments. The red liquid line is easy fix. The depth of the characters a little harder. But something I can certainly work on. Thanks again, Marvin.

Marvin,

Congrats on finishing a short and yay for Californians.
Your logline and opening page give away your twist ending pretty fast.
I agree with Phil that the characters don't seem to have a lief of their own.
We spend more time with them ordering food than eating or drinking. Felt odd.
Consuming could be a sensual way to develop the sexual tension between them.
The lack of passage of time through slugs in the restaurant was off.
To order such a complex meal and get it a page later with no time passage.
Your basic format is okay, but your story didn't leap off the page at me.
But this is a good stepping stone towards refining your craft, congrats.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Sorry, dude. I thought this was pretty lame. I thought the dialogue felt really forced and cliched, even stiff at times. It all felt like stuff I'd read a thousands times here.

What's worse is that the premise is actually quite interesting. The supernatural aspect was a little disappointing for someone who was expecting a more realistic story but it was cheesy in a fun way so no fault there. Just personal. But regardless, I think you completely neglected the opportunities you've laid out for yourself. You don't reveal anything about the characters at all and I'm not saying that because it's bad writing; I'm saying that because I really want to know what these two are about, based on the situation alone. What's Dawn's thing all about? What's Kyle's thing for older women about? I'm interested and you've got a lot to explore.

I think you threw away a really sharp and intriguing concept for a disposable bit of creature feature shenanigans. Honestly. I could have a field day with this idea. Think about it. Ask yourself questions. Build. I don't think you know what you have here.

I liked the premise. And I thought it was pretty straight forward, very focused.

I was very interested in how it ends and the ending delivered for me.

But the way they talked... - they seem too pretentious and almost generic way of talking. I wouldn't like to be around either of them. Conversation felt forced, almost farcical to me for that reason. And maybe people do talk that way, but I definitely wouldn't want to be around these two.

I breezed through it though - think it definitely is worth a read.

The trip to the bed was too slick.  In real life there are conflicts, issues.
Remember.  The viewer/reader is always looking to the next scene.
How do they get out of their predicament?
I would delay the juicy ending by throwing a complicating factor or two into
your story.  I leave that to your imagination...

I feel this story could be accomplished in four/five pages.

I suppose cougar is a big give away for the ending.  Although it feels like there needs to be more in the why she does this.

I felt some passages of time went too quickly, for example in the restaurant.  Dawn goes from Courvoisier to wine in a blink of an eye to eating their meal in like four sentences.  You could of used a montage here.  Or better yet, mix in the dialogue with the eating of the meal.

I say skip the bar as it feels like it drags this story on.

I felt some descriptions to be odd like 'takes a sip of red liquid from a wine
glass.'

Aside from that I thought it was okay.