Libby - Thank you for the read and your depth of review!
I don't wanna keep bumping up this thread since there's so many other new ones, so I'll just reply here for now.
Yeah... the subject's the subject. Whatchagonnado?
Typos galore. Yep.
Logline - Yeah. I see what you mean and agree. I guess I was still fixated on the processing part that I neglected the relationship aspects. Noted. TY!
FADE OUTS are deliberate actions to "sell" the drug induced haze Joe is functioning under. Not only does he mix OTC with prescription (these two particulars are no-nos, BTW) but he switched from RedBull to Monster to Amp caffeinated drinks. Dude's a polypharmia fruitcake. A chemical junkie. He's hallucinating and doesn't really register "what" he isn't really paying attention to. This kind of sh!t really does happen. Sorry.
"Perturbness", "enamored" and such were used when I figured actors and directors are just gonna wing it on the set. No real need to "Macarana-fy" them.
Pgs 15 - 16 V.O.s - Nope. I used them correct. Looking at caller and hearing the receiver requires a V.O. Off Camera and Off Screen are for when they are in the same room or nearby but just can't be seen. Steve is in the Control Room while Sam is... on another floor, in his office.
Bill's more of a mechanical/techie. Probaly not the best OSHA advocate in the great plains region. So... yeah. I've watched enough Funniest Home Videos to see how easy it is to slip off a railing, even when seated.
Read "
The Hot Zone". thought it pretty good at the time.
Thank you for the kind words about the story and characters. Bonus! And thanks for not stealing it ;) What goes around Karma comes around Karma, and all that.
"Yup." I'm still learning formatting.
I'm day-one-past-nube. Do I get a cupcake with a candle? :D
Gabe - Three word limit [on slugs]. Good to know. Thank you.
Don't pack too much information into a 4 line paragraph. Give it room so that the reader can digest it better. Can do.
I kinda looked sideways at your second citation, myself.
I see that it failed the sniff test.
Hope this helps.Yes. It does. Every little bit does.
Greg - I know my past reviews of your work have been pretty rough,...Well, maybe if I'd quit throwing monkey poo on the walls that wouldn't happen.
I'm a work in progress and appreciate all the effort you and SSers contribute.
All you guys are what our audience, both DA readers and God willing - theater, will be seeing.
I can't very well come back complaining about what anyone sees, can I?
There's an entire page here dedicated to the slicing up of cows.You guys are a demanding lot.
I cut seven pages down to one - AND STILL!
Slave drivers! All!
Okay. I'll keep that in mind. Gracias.
How can he leave his lens cap on for all that time?A - He's (ignorantly) mixed OTC 12hr pseudophedrine for his sinus congestion with his prescription MAOI antidepressant, plus whatever sinus infection antibiotic he's taking and Lord knows what else.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pseudophedrine#Precautions_and_contraindicationsB - After a two hour drive to the slaughterhouse his chemical slurry has cooked pretty good.
He's coherent on some levels (the lighting, the math, the ability to shoot her with his eye's closed) but not on others (she drove, he can't hardly stand or open the doors).
C - He's asleep behind the mirrored sunglasses.
D - After an hour walk-through tour he's cranked.
E - Joe's been given the direction by Sam to just shoot Yvette and to not interfere, to which he agreed.
His hallucinations are getting all pretty mixed up three hours later.
He's not making much sense.
Going through the motions.
What he's seeing he's dismissing because he's been there and done that - but he can shoot - on automated instinct.
A greater conflict would be good too.Understanding this was primarily a format exercise, any thoughts come to mind for what would be a greater story conflict? How that could be drummed up in this scenario?
... you should be very encouraged... some clever humor, and in general this wasn't bad at all. Nice work.I am. Thank you. In general I'll keep trying to do better and Thank you.
Libby, part deux - This is a phone call but action is on Steve in the Control Room. It's gotta be an O.S. or you could alternatively use Intercut - but you're unlikely to use the latter cause there's only one line from Sam down the phoneline.Yes. Nope. Coulda, but like you said, it was only for one line and hardly worth the effort (or lines!) intercut uses.
http://www.scribd.com/doc/12721428/Professional-Screenplay-Formatting-GuidePage 40, Re telephone conversations.
And this PDF thingie is supposedly from the Screenwriter's Bible.
Maybe my online resource is corrupt.
O.S. or O.C.
Off-screen or Off-camera. This is the abbreviation sometimes seen next to the CHARACTER'S name before certain bits of dialog. Basically, it means the writer specifically wants the voice to come from somewhere unseen. Correct, though abbreviated.
(My own illustration)In this illustration obviously A & B are "On Camera" as outlined in the green lines of the camera's field of vision.
Any dialog by character C would be "Off Camera".
Any character in Hong Kong talking on the phone to character D in New York would hear a "Voice Over" of D's voice. Not "Off Camera".
I like how Brooks did that for Broadcast News.
I may try that next time.
I'm not a 'right fighter' btw. Like you, I just wanna get it right. And I think my suggestions based on a pro-script, is the better way to do it.Me neither. Hi-5!
Same here, and I think we're getting real close to dancing all over a director's shoes who may very well cast a sideways glance at us two quibbling wienies in the sound stage shadows and shoot the scene a completely different way.
And Lord knows what the editor will do.
And of course the studio/producer may have a say.
Whatchagonnado?
If you wanna take a further look at BNews screenplay.Oh, thank you very much! I will. And thank you for the BrightHub link! Cooool.
Brett - I had an easier time reading this than most of your earlier work.Hooorayy!!!
The long side by side dialogue chains kinda threw me. Yeah, those might be easier to listen to than to read.
Your descriptions are not economical yet, but you're moving in the right direction. Waaahhh. Hooorayy!!!
I applaud your terrier like resolve in honing your skills. I have mental health issues.
Nah. Not really. ("Who said that?!")
Beat it. Pound it. Make the bastard submit.
Track and field analogies fro screenwriting, can you tell I just woke up? =p Seemed lucid
fru me. :D
See above reference to mental health issues.
I didn't care for the characters much. Cardboardy adversaries. Eh.Secondary issue.
Your logline didn't grab me, I read the story because of the author, not the hook. Yeah, understood.
Libby brought that to my attention and I agree.
A second nail in that coffin.
My bad.
But thank you especially for reading it because of the author.
(It make's me feel all... Stephen King-ish! Ha!)
Good luck and keep writing and rewriting!Thank you and Yessir and Yessir.
Phil - You can be a bit wordy at times in description and in dialog.Dammit, Phil! I'm a novelist, not a Spartan, you pointy-eared... !
Okay. (Still) working on it.
The montage, IMHO, is too detailed.Slave driver.
(Seven pages down to one and they're still complaining. Sheesh.)
Okay.
SERIES OF SHOTS
- Cows go in.
- Sparkly lights blink.
- Nice, emotionally sanitized hamburger patties come out.
RETURN TO SCENEMore better-er?
Joe's eyepiece sees through the same lens that the camera records from. If the lens cap is on, he wouldn't see anything.And if his eyes were shut he'd be doubly not seeing anything, atoll!
It's been awhile since you guys hid your napping from the school teacher, hasn't it?
Joe's sleeping and hallucinating behind his mirrored glasses.
The ending, btw, was extremely predictable.BTW, you have a big melon. Sir. :P
Is there a reason you're using the meet industry in your scripts? Did you suddenly turn vegetarian on us?I haven't really turned on the meaties or anyone.
I actually just enjoy shoving humanity's unpleasant side into the faces of viewers.
I'd show the Pope pooping in the toilet and shaking off a little dingleberry if I thought I could get a laugh out of it.
I dislike the double standards people embrace with a blanket of self imbued ignorance.
My current fave is people griping about someone else's Congressman's pork barrel project - but then turn around and vote out their own incumbents for not bringing Fed dollars to their state or district. Pfft. Idiots.Vegetarians are
idiots free to do whatever they want.
Humans are omnivores.
That's why God gave us digestive enzymes to digest fat and muscle.
Deal. ;)
Honestly, this is a rewrite of ON THE OTHER HOOF because the mob cheered for A: Story and B: Characters.
OTOH was a result of investigating the root causes of the recent Food Safety Bill.
That was part of my self-imposed December Format Exercise.
Khamanna thinks this has fabulous potential, and she wants me to re-write the re-write so gird your loins for another! :K)
Khamanna -I suppose you decided to give your idea another spin and put it into something with characters. I liked the short.LMAO!You know...
You just can't please 'em all.
LOL!
Although I did think up until the end that it's a rom-com and Yvette and Joe will have to understand that they are in love with each otherand all of the sudden Yvette and Bill are over the cows...Yeah, well...
I guess you and Phil are at odds on that one.
I think I'd appreciate a little more build up to that, something about the cows/slaughtering at the beginning.So... you want me to re-write the re-write that included characters and story by popular demand?
Okay.
Make it a rom-com-horror?
Okay.
And make it shorter?
Okay.
I don't know if you'd want to do it though.For you?
Okay.
I enjoyed the banter and the ending though.Thank you.
Slap Phil and tell him to quit being non-compliant.
Have you watched Knight And Day? I watched it the other day, it reminded me of the dialog in your feature. I think you're good at that kind of humor.I haven't, but I will.
Just looked it up on the local library system, says it "coming soon".
Thank you, again.
As always, you guys are
grrrreat!!Be on the lookout for
THE MANSOUR CIRCLE INCIDENT *.
I can already tell you straight-pin guys are gonna give me (justifiable) grief on the logline.
Otherwise, it's all the secondary format skills beyond primary SLUG/ACTION/CHARACTER/DIALOG basics I'm looking for pas/fail on.
Gracias!
*The story has nothing to do with the meat industry, other than the military.
(Was that PC?)