Pissed by Doug Trettin - Short, Comedy - An anger management seminar turns ridiculous! 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for posting.  Any comments would be appreciated!  Thanks!

I like the idea and concept, and you're good writter, i could really visual the whole situation. Although i didn't really find this funny.

You should look out for the lenghty action lines here and there.

Thanks Vinny for taking the time.  Action lines continue to haunt me.  Do you think I should try to make it more funny, or just not call it a comedy?  Thanks again, i hope you enjoyed it regardless...

Quoted from dt Do you think I should try to make it more funny, or just not call it a comedy?

I think that's really up to you, i mean, comedy is not really my cup of tea, and other people here might just find your story funny, unlike i did. If you're going for a comedy here i don't know why you wouldn't want to call it a comedy, right?

If you think you can make it funnier, despite my opinion, i think you should go for it though.

you're absolutly right...what causes a belly laugh in one, might not even get a chuckle from another.  Right now I guess the story is amusing with slapstick elements.  Is that enough?  Who knows.  But I've read a lot of places you should write a scene and then re-write it to the extreme.  When is enough enough?  Maybe I will try to make it funnier...

Rewriting is essential, as many people around here seem to point out.

You should wait for other's to criticise your work a bit more, this place has some experienced writters who could point you to a more precise direction, in terms of what your script is lacking, or not.

I'm sorry to say Doug that this didn't do anything for me. I couldn't see any story, nor did I get a giggle from it. You could have cut this in half. I found your description overly wordy. The idea is to show, don't tell. You also keep repeating things, folding chairs, dispersed crowds, plates of food etc. I didn't find your auditorium descriptions real. Spotlights? A stage? Where is this, a 5 star conference centre? Feedback from the mic cleared by blowing and tapping? Feedback occurs when the output from the speakers is fed back into the microphone. There's no 3 act structure either. This reads more like a scene?

Quoted from dt's script Gus still avoids acknowledging Bert as Bert's hand emerges and slowly pushes the pickle slices onto Gus's cheek. The ketchup-covered pickle slices remain stuck as Bert takes his hand away. Holding a small opened package of mustard, Bert's hand emerges again and squirts the yellow condiment on the tip of Gus's nose. Intense laughter breaks out, and Gus looks slightly to his right to see...

Or, "Bert sticks a pickle, lathered in ketchup, to Gus's cheek. Bert squirts his nose with a mustard packet. Everyone laughs. Gus remains frozen."

Minimalist writing. I think you overwrite. It slows down the read of a script. Most of the stuff I cut out was not important to the story. Just words. On film, they would both pretty much play out the same. Read more screenplays, less novels, if you want to write in this format.

I would think Gus would go after Bert, not Steve. I liked the last exchange, other then that, I didn't find too much funny. This could be four pages if you wrote economically.

James

Eoin, James

Thanks for the input.  As I said earlier, I know my action writing needs work.  But in a little defense...why not spotlights?  Feedback sometimes magically stops when people tap and blow on the mic (what average person knows the reason for feedback?)...Do all 4 page shorts have 3 act srtructures?  (I tried to bring things full circle).  

James,  I was trying to let the reader know all you would see Bert's hand and Gus's face.  The way you wrote it, though much more economical, doesn't come off that way.  Should I avoid the camera's eye and leave that up to the director?  Thanks again guys...

Doug

I really liked the ending of it - him lashing out on Steve and not Bert - makes sense and not as predictable.

The last line of dialog is good too. I also could appreciate minimum dialog throughout - he follows the steps - that's good.

I think it could be funnier and edgier when you think about the theme. The disadvantage here  is - the theme's been around and most of the "funny" has been used. But still... I know my "funny meter" is not uniformal, but if a voice of one matters - I chuckled but didn't laugh.

Pretty cool.  It's always good to read some possitive.  Thanks khamanna.  I know it needs a lot of work though...maybe build on the tension, theme, and, of course, the writing style :)

If you're the writer, then YOU should know the reason for feedback if that's what you're writing about. The feedback stops when you blow because the amplitude of sound wave emitted from the speaker is not picked up by the mic. It's only a temporary. As a writer, if you don't understand what you are writing about, research it. Otherwise it undermines the credibility of your work. Not everone will pick it up, but someone will. As for the spotlights, I have been to alot of conferences and barr one conference, I can't ever remember a spotlight, never mind several. It's a conference, not a theatre show. The audience is also lit. Are you saying a short shouldn't have a basic start middle and end and a means of connecting all three?

I'll just stop defending myself and take it like a man...just kidding.  

I'm just sayin that's how i pictured it in my mind.  I think what i wrote is plausible but not probable - it was for effect.  So why not spotlights?  

Research on what causes feedback?  Are you kidding me?  That character tapped and blew on the mic and the squeeling stopped.  Period.  Maybe it was coincidence, magic, or it really worked.  Does it really matter for the story?

As for the question about three acts for a 4 page short...that's just it, it was a question.

Hey I'm new to this whole SS thing. I love to write. With that being said, it was pretty good however I did not get the ending.

Quoted from dt Should I avoid the camera's eye and leave that up to the director?   Doug

That's the opinion I write with. Just tell the story. Unless you're going to direct it yourself, i see no need to put all that effort into how we're viewing this. I think most would agree... Writers and directors.

James

hey L86-

Thanks for the read!  For the sake of the script, it's not good I have to do this!  Or maybe it is good 'cause it might not be clear enough!  Anyway...I tried to let the situation(s) come to a boil with Steve lashing out on Mr. Mann and then tie it all back with Chad (the guys who started it all) coming back into the picture.  Again, thanks for the read and good luck!


Doug

Thanks James.  I sometimes find myself creating a new action paragraph for a new camera shot within a scene.  I need to reduce my action lines a lot,,,Thanks again...

Cheers!
Doug

Hey Doug,

I thought your script was pretty good.  I'm not that crazy about comedies, but I thought yours was well done.  After reading your script, I decided that instead of focusing on the idea/story, I'll just look at it as an exercise in screenwriting.  And in that way, I think you did a very good job.  You have a great visual way of writing.

The only technical detail I would suggest changing was already mentioned.  The separation of long descriptions.  To me, big chunks of sentences with no breaks in between, take more effort to read.  When those chunks are broken down, it significantly helps the flow.

Overall, I thought it was a well-written piece.  Good job.

Thanks gavinb.  You drive home some really really good points for me to not only work on now but keep in mind for the future.  thanks again...

dt