Ghost Train by Martin Cox (chelsea) - Short, Drama - A black man a Jew and a skinhead are on a train, but this ain't no joke.  WARNING: Contains strong language and racial abuse. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

Martin,

Congrats on finishing the script, always a good feeling.
I didn't mind the language. This isn't a racist story, just has a racist character.
It reads pretty well, nothing really hung me up much, save for one thing...
If you're going to invoke Robert De Niro in your script, spell his bloody name right. ;)
Your first page was a bit tough with all the clothes descriptions.
I got all I needed with Mike from, "Hardcore skinhead. Great white personified."
You can chop out half a page right there. The train could have used that space.
Mike is a colorful bloke, though it seems odd he would be a successful actor.
The entertainment industry tends to frown upon racism, Mr. Gibson being an example.
That aside, your dialogue and character interaction are pretty strong.
I didn't care for the tacked on supernatural device at the end.
For me, it undermined everything you spent your pages setting up.
This trio of characters had enough chemistry to resolve the scene.
A good read and kudos for creating a despicable central character.

Thanks for posting. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Howdy Martin,

Congrats on the left justified FADE IN:!
Hooorayyy!!!


Mike Posner, 20's, strolls arrogantly through the carriage.

A hardcore skinhead. Shaved head, twisted face, Fred Perry
shirt, short-sleeves showcasing a montage of tattoos, Levi
jeans rolled precisely twice to meet the top of his Doc
Martens Cherry Reds.

In his left hand a can of beer, his right shields a
cigarette. White braces (suspenders) are down, ready for the
fight as he searches.

The great white personified. Stalking his unsuspecting,
defencless prey
Cough, cough. That's quite a bit of... er... description.

Tell you what, since much of these elements get brought up later by David and Gabriel just skip those things for now, up front.

Also, if you gotta explain what something is with parentheses inside your action line you probably ought to consider dummying down the vocabulary or just call them what they are, skip the explanation, and let the ignorant-@ss reader go lookit up in the dictionary.

I've personally been berated on this issue many times and I have mixed feelings.
The problem is, and we're talking about your future in screenwriting rather than the current piece of work, is like any audience, you never know how stupid everyone in the odd numbered seats are and how smart everyone sitting in the even numbered seats are.
Husband gets it.
Wife doesn't.
Wife gets it.
Husband doesn't.
The reader at Warner Brothers Studios gets it.
The reader at 20th Century Fox doesn't.
So... whatchagonna do?
Play it safe and pander to the lowest common denominator and just call 'em suspenders?
Or demand some effin' intelligence from your (possibly/likely petulant) readers and call 'em what they are: Braces.

Your call.
GL!

I second Brett's motion on the De Niro thingie.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_De_Niro
If you can get the name for Doc Martens correct, then...


Bored, he gazes around, hitting on the beer and nic stick
alternately
Be verrrrry careful with slang in the action lines.


LATER mini-slug should be left justified.


Alright, done with page one.
Runnin' and gunnin' for the rest...

Mike's ugly @ss disposition and demeanor are laid on a little thick.
Adults have all been there done that and don't really need the morality lesson that's unfolding.
Peers don't care.
Kids getting to this stage in life aren't supposed to be around this kind of language, although real and legit, it won't be produced.

So if there's some little niggling thing in the back of your mind saying "Something's wonky here" THAT might be it.

It's the similar problem that GI GOE had:
- Too stupid for adults.
- Not smart allecky enough foor teens.
- Too violent for the little kids that play with GI Joe toys (if there are any such kids these days).
Made a sh!tload of money, but it was pretty dumb.
(Yeah, they all went crying all the way to the bank. Waa-waa-waaa!)

Honestly, your breakdown of all of Mike's skinhead culture and accoutrement is pretty good.
Well done.

Problem is, IRL, skinhead woulda just left, smashed a skull already then left, or popped a cap in both Dave & Gabe's @ss then left.
But as it is, "posing Posner" is a loudmouth blowhard so thin no adult will watch this cr@p and feel enlightened.
Teens will see cite what I just stated.
And little kids won't get it.

Tough scenario.

Dave and Gabe's good Samaritan, throwing pearls before swine, educational recruiting "thing" isn't working for me.
The (poor and unfortunate) Mormon kids and Jehovah's Witnesses that come to my door don't try this hard.

The rope and burn thing didn't really gee-haw, either.
And the ghost thing was total WTF.
There's zero explanation as to how any of this relates to ghosts jumping/phases through train walls to recruit other... what? Ghosts? for "the biggest outfit ever".
God. Heaven. Good vs. evil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it already.
The set up just isn't made.

Here's the deal: despite all this rubbish, I see a lot of good dialog, some pretty clever set-up in some places, it all just needs a little more work elsewhere.
It's not a soup sandwich.
It's a PBJ minus one of the key elements.

Keep working at this stuff.
GL.


Ray

Hi Ed and Ray.

All I can say is "WOW!"

Thank you guys for not only reading this but for your in-depth critique. For you both to take so much time and consideration on one of my efforts just blows m away.

I truly have read your comments over and over and cannot disagree with any of them. That's why I love this site....you get told exactly how it is! Good, bad, indifferent.

I think, upon reflection I was trying to be a bit too clever, dropping back into my over-writing bad habits with the descriptions, and showing off the fact that I'd done my research.

I mean, who really gives a f***.

I also thought it would be cool to have some omnipotent being or force sending avengers out to clean up this place but in doing so lost my audience. (and as I said, who really gives a f***).

Thanks for the positive words on the dialog etc. You guys are experienced enough to know when to put someone down lightly and motivate them to continue writing, which I will certainly do.

once more, don't want to gush, but thanks so much. I've learned a lot and taken so much from this exercise....and oh by the way...apologies to my uncle Bob. How'd I screw that one up?

Respectfully.

Martin.

Daft prick,

Capitalize Mike Posner as you intro him. You missed that. I agree with others. His description was too much. Especially for a short. Just give him a bald head and some combat boots. His dialogue, and your logline, tell the rest.

Lots of typos on first page. Come on. You gotta start better then this... De Nero????

Again, I stress the use of (cont'd) next to the name when A character's lines are interuppted by action. You'd be surprised how many skim scripts. Just read the dialogue. Could only work out better for you IMO. Never seen anyone complain about it.

Meh, The "Kerbed" was an American History X rip. I think it would work well if you showed, somehow, that Mike was talking out of his ass here. He never really did that.

Uhp, you actually remembered to Cap Gabrielle.

I felt like you were trying to write a U.S. based script here at first. You lost me with the Soccer references and Ben Shermans. I have no idea what those are? Also, the use of "cunt" is so over seas compared to here.

A good deal of creativity in this one. I don't think the ending quite delivers like you hoped. It is interesting. Just not shocking.

Would rather see this start with a scene. Skin heads hanging, burning, and laughing at a victim while mike does some narration. Then enter the train. I think it would give more impact to the ending.

All in all, good work. You kept me interested through fifteen pages of dialogue on a train. Not easy to do. Psst, written a script on a train myself.

James

Hey James. wondered if you'd comment on this one.

Yep, I like your idea for the opening scene. It would explain so much visually.

Kerbing was/is something that's done where I come from to proclaim to all around, superiority. Sometimes they bite your nose off to achieve the same goal. (Now you know why I live in Asia).

When I was writing this I thought specifically of you as I entered my (cont'd's). I knew what was coming...guess I gotta  masochistic streak. It won't happen again, promise.

But thanks for the positives. They really mean a lot to me. and drive me on to be better.

Psssssssstttt. I take it you are talking about 'SO PRETTY' which I reviewed and subsequently congratulated you on your achievement with it.

Lastly, shouldn't daft prick be in CAPS as this is my intro??????

Very best to to you and yours,

Martin.