Quoted from bert One of the first things you are likely to hear, Matt, is that writers often get tired of stories about writers. I suppose it is almost its own little genre -- the writer's tale -- and if you are gonna do one, you really need to bring something fresh to it. And you start by succeeding, to a point, but it leads to a conclusion where you kind of lose me as to what this piece is trying to accomplish. First things first, however. While I am not a huge proponent of the (beat), as far as the opening of your script, I think a beat would be less awkward than the double-VO you've got going. And you seem to be missing a verb in the final descriptive passage on page one. I would suggest "hustle". There are actually quite a few words missing throughout. This could use a good proofing. What I do is print my work on paper and read it aloud. You will be surprised at what you catch. Proofing on a computer screen simply isn't enough. Where you succeed here is in blurring the lines between Bob's dream world and his reality, as everything that occurs (to a point) could be happening in either. Exactly when we move between them -- or if we even move at all -- is never made clear, and if that was your intent, it is good. But you do drop me at the end. I am not getting it -- leave alone the possibility that Ms. Portman might stoop to public transportation. What is frustrating here is the feeling that you DO have a point to all this, but that it is not coming through in its current form. At least, not to me. What I would do with this one is take the key message you are trying to impart to the reader and distill it down to a single sentence -- then do what it takes in terms of a rewrite to ensure that this message is delivered intact. I am curious to hear your thoughts on this one. Please elaborate when you get the chance. I would read a rewrite if you do one. |