Billy the Kid's Revenge (was Mommy's Boy) by Martin Cox (chelsea) - Short, Drama -  Billy kills guys for sneakers but now he's had enough. 16 pages - pdf, format 8)

Interesting story and twist. I could see this expanding to a full-length RANSOM type.

Martin,

I liked it.

Here’s my suggestions for improving your story:

TITLE AND LOGLINE: The title set me up for a western. BILLY or SHOES FOR BILLY might help avoid that. The logline is okay. Could be better “had enough” was weak. Billy kills men for sneakere and the mother he never knew.

FORMAT: Okay, the only thing that read oddly to me were choppy sentences like this:

DON MINSK, late 40’s, stoic, crisp uniform, seen it all
before through his piercing blue eyes, peers over the top of
his glasses.

CHARACTERS: Okay, Billy and Cheryl would be the standouts. Billy was well drawn with a small amount of words and Cheryl’s interest was well done.

DIALOGUE: Okay. Nothing good or bad stood out. That’s good.

STORY: Good. I liked it. The twist at the end - I had to read it twice to make sure I had it. The choice to use flashbacks fit with the plot as it unfolded without an overly long short.

I did SEE this one while reading.

Consider a more direct “as it happens” view if you choose to expand it – it’ll get rid of those talking heads interrupted by flashbacks feel.

GARY

Martin,

I remember this one. I wanted to go back and check my previous comments. They're gone! Always pisses me off. Twat.

I liked this the first time. Even a bit better this go round. I think i do remember some gripes about the credit card being used in the old version. You've squelched that well.

Still, The reason why these men need to be killed after she bangs them eludes me. Getting away with infidelity is a heck of alot easier then getting away with murder. If she just got in her car and went home after, what would be the difference? The problems with having an affair are.... "where were you last night?" She appears to have already gotten away with that.

Maybe if all the men she were seeing were $1000 a night giggolos. She couldn't afford to pay. Instead she pays Billy new sneakers. I still think this needs some work.

James

Cloroxmartini (still love that name).

Thanks for the read and positive comment. I'd love for this to be expanded. As Pink Floyd once sang, "is there anybody out there?".

Best.

Martin.

Hey Gary.

Many many thanks for the read and suggestions.

I'll take them all on board and when.....not if, I expand it, I'll implement all of them.

Graciously.

Martin.

Hey James.

How you doing? good I hope. Gong ci fa cai to you and your family.

'Kay, back to the plot.

Thanks for the read, as always and I'm very happy you liked this new version better than the first.

With regard to getting rid of the guys after sex, I'm trying to show that the "Girls Club" view them as disposable as the condoms they use, or maybe don't. It's a kind of parody on our "use only once and discard" lifestyle nowadays.

If you've got some ideas on how I can better get this point across I'd love to hear them and improve the storyline.

Best.

Martin.

i knew that cherryl bitch was up to no good, great story, fast read, really enjoyed it. i found it to be funny and dark at the same time, now i don't know if thats a good thing or bad.

keep up the good work.

Glad you enjoyed it Vinny.

No worries about why you enjoyed it. Just means you're a sicko like the rest of us S.O.B's

But seriously, thanks so much for your time and comments.

Best

Martin.

Martin,

I liked this. It was a quick and smooth read.

The Steve/Cheryl relationship is very entertaining to me. I can just picture Steve racking his brain trying to crack this case. On the flip side, you have Cheryl kind of egging him on, getting him drunk, not a worry in the world (until the end, at least).

And this line:

STEVE
The sneakers. Pairs of the friggin’
things

really cracked me up for some reason.

The only thing I didn't care for was the character descriptions. I'd either tone them down a bit or reword them so they flow better. Other than that, I thought it was a good read. I'll try to check out some of your other stuff soon.

Hey Martin,

Thought I'd give this one a look see.
This short reads pretty well, a bit over descriptive here and there.
However, it didn't detract much from the story, we're all guilty of it.
The flashbacks are used well, I tend to stay away from them.
However, with a Valentine's script I'm working on, I'm trying one for the first time.
The dialogue works, no hang ups there.

I guess what I don't get is Cheryl's motivations.
We spend the bulk of your story on the who, but never the why.
In the end, the twist wasn't a twist for me. Why?
You have a murderer and a detective and a third party pulling the strings.
There's only one other character we spend any time with in the story.
So, it must be that character, unless you're going to cheat us with tricks.
Fortunately, you don't do that.

However, I do think you're too precious with the "twist".
Don't save it, toss it out there sooner and arc the story and tension around it.
Let the audience be on the inside, we know things the detective does not.
Write the story again, but Cheryl reveals to Bren that Billy took off.
Now, the reader knows there's something amiss, she's involved.
It's up to Cheryl to pry information out of her detective husband in secret.
Now, your reader is in "cahoots" with Cheryl as the noose tightens on her.
Maybe it's just me, but a story like that is more interesting.
We, the reader, is now involved and connected to Cheryl.
Just a thought. Overall, this is a good effort and an easy read.

Thanks for sharing.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards.
E.D.

Hey Shane. Thanks for the read.

My character descriptions can be somewhat verbose but subliminally I try to provide my physical interpretation of the character for both the audience and the DP (if ever it got produced).

Other than that I'm just showing off a bit....there you go, I've come clean guv!

Give me some of yours to read and I'll reciprocate. Ones you may enjoy are "HAIL THE CABBIE" and 'THE "PREZ". A re-write of "PILLOW TALK" is coming along maybe next week.

Please let me know what you think and thanks for your comments.

Best.

Martin.

Hey Brett.

Thanks for reading this re-write. Your comments are always welcome.

I've been thinking a lot about sharing the whole twist thing with the audience and I've come to the conclusion that it would work well. Thanks for that idea.

Just when I thought I was kind of getting the hang of this writing thing I discover that I have to pay more attention to the overall composition.

It's friggin' brilliant!!!!

Thanks Brett and keep 'em coming.

P.S. you asked me a question about my comments on 'LIE DETECTOR'. I'll shoot back and answer you.

Very best.

Martin.

Martin,

Relatively new on this site so not too confident in commenting on peoples scripts but really enjoyed "Billy the Kid's Revenge".

Although I do agree with the chap who mentioned the title, as I thought it would be a take on a western but aside from that I thought it was great.

Not too sure if it's because I'm reading it in work and having to minimize the screen a lot but I didn't see that twist coming!!!

I rather liked the use of the flashbacks. Broke the story up nicely for me and I thought there was a lot of chemistry between the couple.

Good job sir

Hey Fatjesus83.

Welcome to Simply Scripts the best place to learn about scriptwriting.

Thank you for your read and comments. They really do inspire us/me to go on and write more.

Post one of yours and you'll get some great advice on formatting, storyline characterization etc. and say hi to bonnie Glasgie for me. Spent many a decadent hour in the Velvet Rooms up there.

Best.

Martin.