Tokyo Ghost Story by Kyle Hedlund (khed) - Short, Thriller -  A man receives a chilling message from an eerie little girl. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Kyle,

I think you have a pretty good little story here, but it still needs some tweeking.

The script needs quite a bit of work though.

You have: A little girl (KOARI CHAN) about 5 years old.

KOARI CHAN (5) a cute little girl in a school uniform.

Why didn't you name the businessman?
Or the mistress?
What does the mistress look like? Her age?

You have: The businessman reacts like he did on the train platform.
That sentence is telling, not showing.
Then you have: He slowly backs away from her.
Okay.
You don't need the telling sentence. You have the showing sentence right after it.

At the house you have: The car is gone.
I don't even know that there is supposed to be a car.
You could just write that the driveway is empty.

In the house you have: It appears that the wife left to pick up the daughter and planned to return quickly.
Telling again.
You show that the rice cooker is showing that the rice is ready, and the table is set. You don't need that telling line.

What does an OFFICAL SOUNDING VOICE sound like?

She's been in an accident, but don't worry -- she's alive.
Huh? Who would say that?
I think they'd just say that there was an accident.

I think what might have a bigger impact on the readers is if the little girl didn't say that she was dead right off, but maybe said that she needed him, and told him to go home.

It might be creepy if the cop told him to go home. Maybe even some of the other people on the train, too.

I think that way the guilt would eat at him more knowing that if he hadn't been going to have an affair, maybe he could have saved his daughter.

I did like the end with the woman talking to the invisible little girl.  :)

Anyway, let me know if you do a rewrite, and I'll give it another read.

Cindy

Thanks for reading and commenting, Cindy!

This was my first attempt at a screenplay, and I'm excited about rewriting it.

I am definitely going to incorporate some of your ideas before resubmitting, and in particular I'm shooting for more showing--less telling.

I'm not happy with the scene of him arriving at home, and will give that a major overhaul. I've already tweaked Kaori-chan's revelation to him.

I really appreciate the feedback.

Thanks,
Kyle

Good attempt for a first story - I agree with many of the first comments posted here, and I was left with the feeling that I knew what was going to happen, but the story had a good 'feel' to it, and was a lot better that many initial attempt I have come across. Good luck to you.

The opening two paged were excellent and really pulled me in.

The rest of the script didn't quite live up to the promise of the first two pages, but it was still a decent read.

The conversation with the Police Officer was overly long and too much of the story here was told through dialogue.

There could also do with being a better link between the girl and the wife/daughter. IE a story that explains why she tries to stop people cheating or whatever..something a bit stronger than the sinple moral tale we have here.

Good effort though.

Hi Kyle,

I liked it.
I think that "show" don't "tell" in your action line is good advice.
I've just started writing and every script I read I learn something different.
Good story line.

Peter

Thanks for the feedback, SiColl, Scar and Peter. I appreciate the encouragement and your interest.

I have already done a re-write, incorporating some of Cindy's ideas and attempting to show more/tell less.

I will submit it to this site soon.

Hi Kyle -

Quick review on TGS.  Like the general story - satisfying ending, kept me interested throughout.  My only criticism were the descriptions - a bit heavy, and a *little* stilted.  Streamline them (and a bit of the dialogue as well), and it'll make this script shine alot brighter.  Also - wasn't fond of naming the main character "the businessman".  I know that's probably pretty accurate to Japanese business culture - but I would have cared more if he'd actually had a name.

Thank you wonkavite.

I agree with everything you say, except that every time I try to give the businessman a name, it feels wrong. Maybe this is one of my prose habits leaking into my script-writing efforts?

I like nameless characters for some reason, but it apparently bothers a lot of people. I suppose the name doesn't have to be mentioned when filmed, so I should get over this habit.

Thanks for helping me see this.

Cool little story. And a great first attempt at screen writing.
For me, having the little girl reveal, 'You killed her' led me to the story conclusion too quickly. I suppose the specific naming of a character just makes the reader feel like the protagonist is not a background character.

Great work!

Good story, but only one of your characters has a name.  Get rid of business man and mistress and give them actual names.  People will feel more connected to the characters if you do this.  Keep up the good work!