Estate of Mind by Jimmy Nsubuga & Matthew Nsubuga (Majorgeneral316) - Sci Fi, Fantasy - When a kidnapper refuses to tell police the whereabouts of a young girl; a troubled Detective is sent into an Estate to find her amidst a London riot. 98 pages - pdf, format 8)

Revised Draft.

Written by my brother and I.

'Detective James Knight' and 'James' are both used as the character name of the Protagonist. Sorry in advance!

Thanks Don

Matthew (Majorgeneral316)

Hi Matthew,

couple of things of the bat Ill mention-

not sure if i like "THE LAIR" in your opening slug. i think its unnecessary at this point. You could always mention it in your description.

Whenever you introduce a character always put it in CAPS. Even if you don't mention by name. example LITTLE GIRL. if you intend to name her later then go ahead and do it straight away. Also the man should be MASKED MAN, since thats what you call him from then on. Broadside should be capped etc...

On page 1 you write "He stops to catch his breath. He looks around. Theres silence. No movement. 2. " why is there a number 2 at the end of the sentence??

On page 2 "He grabs Jamie..." who the hell is Jamie?? You need to introduce Broadside correctly early on as JAMIE BROADSIDE :P

I didnt really understand why the masked man ran away from broadside as soon as he sees her. Presumably shes a cop, but theres zero mention of that. Maybe if she had a gun?


You need to have consistency with character names (as youve mentioned above)
You dont need Elizabeths surname when shes talking as youve mentioned she is James wife. Also you dropped (V.O.) when she speaks for the 3rd time even though you used it the first 2 times. You need to double check all the little things to make sure you are consistent.  

The football scene seems unnecessary. You could easily just introduce James straight away and maybe just mention that he is watching the kids playing football, or just not at all.

I dont like the "secret location" in your slug on page 5.

it seems you are using wrylies as directions. They should only be used sparingly and when necessary. Generally when conveying an emotion that is not entirely obvious or a necessary action during dialogue.

You could probably use mini slugs in the opening sequence since it all happens within a forest.
i think your slugs need work. They dont really set the scene. Youre using "continuous" in your slug but I dont know why since its incorrect. I dont think you need to use slugs during the phone call with James and the chief

In general, I think you're overwriting. By that I dont mean large paragraphs, I mean unnecessary lines. It seems you have a decent story to tell but maybe quite haven't written it as well as it could be written. From the first few pages some of your descriptions tend to read awkwardly. Maybe youre over thinking about how it will look on the screen. Its fairly common especially if its your first script. Go read lots of scripts, maybe those that are similar to this and then rewrite.

Ive only read the first 7 pages. Thats all i have right now.

Like I say, good story here. Some easy to fix issues. Hope it helps. Good luck.

-Gavin

Hey Gaviano,

Thanks for the read. Very much appreciated.

I understand all your criticisms and no this is not my first script. However my brother first wrote the script, then I did a rewrite which is probably the reason why there are  inconsistencies.

Yeah I've got a problem with using adverbs a lot in a my description.

I've begun work on ironing out the mistakes and making it a better read for the reader.

If you have any work that needs a read, let me know. I'd love yo repay the favour.

Thanks again

Matthew

Another draft, hopefully one step closer to the finish article.

I know I haven't been on the boards for quite a while shamefully. I'm looking to rectify that in the coming weeks.

Thank you and a Happy New Year to all.

Matthew