Catering For Kidnap - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, February 16th, 2011, 8:18pm

Catering For Kidnap by Luke Prince (lukeprince09) - Short, Comedy - A trio of career criminals rendezvous in a remote location, but they soon realise they're missing something vital. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: Baltis. (Guest), February 16th, 2011, 8:42pm; Reply: 1

Luke, same things going on here as in your other script "See Saw"... I mean to a T too. You need to learn formating and get a better understanding of when you're telling us too much information and when you're not telling us enough.

You also need to get the fuck rid of those stupid ass titles and name coupled with copyright at the top of each page. Just wasteful.

Posted by: ghost and_ghostie gal, February 16th, 2011, 9:01pm; Reply: 2

Your logline made the read too predictable.  So you have the blind leading the blind here.  I almost bailed.   You have the three headed monster going on with this.

Most of the dialogue didn't work for me.   Yes, you mentioned comedy, but everything fell flat 4 me.  I assume the boot of a car is another name for a  trunk In England.

I'd tighten up your writing a bit.  I don't recognize your name so i'm done.  If you show up, I'll expand.

Good Luck

Ghost

Posted by: jnave, February 21st, 2011, 10:24pm; Reply: 3

Luke,

I found this entertaining in spots. I liked Paddy. Feels like a scene or skit. An interesting idea that could be part of something bigger, perhaps. The title is a bit weird.

I few typos, for example:

FRANKIE
He thinks were lying Paddy.

Should be we're.

KEN
I was on snacks!

I think you meant Paddy to say this.

Dialog seems a little forced at times, e.g.:

FRANKIE
Ignore him Paddy. He’s just jealous
he’s just the go between. Doesn’t
get the thrill of the kidnap. The
thrill of the chase.

KEN
I’m sure you may find chasing
teenage girls through the woods a
rewarding pass-time Frankie, but
I’m fine being a go between.

Also,

FRANKIE
You hear that Paddy? He thinks
we’ve put some pillows in a bag and
tried to pass it off as a bird.

Pillows?

Jason

Posted by: khamanna, February 21st, 2011, 11:51pm; Reply: 4

I really liked it and thought it was funny.

The supermarket - I think you have to explain it's a supermarket in the dialog. Maybe say "We left her at ASDA" "What ASDA, the supermarket?" - something along these lines.

The ending - you could just leave it at "okay sorted" and not explain to us that they found him and what he said stupid.

And maybe cut some of the dialog on the last page - because it's pretty obvious from there.

But I liked it. And laughed - and this is important - you made me laugh. I think you pulled it off very well.