She by Joseph Malta - Short - Rival hunters, jaded by ordinary woman, join forces to capture the most renowned woman of all…a Siren.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format 8)

You captured me at the end. It was very funny and cute. :) :) :)


THE SIREN, naked and shivering, huddled on the dirt. She’s silhouetted against the rising moon.

She quickly grows impatient and starts to vibrate, while HUMMING, at first tranquil but quickly turning into a HIGH PITCHED SHIREK. Blaine and Alex are both freaked. Reaching for their weapons.

This is good. I really got the image there.

Here:

They keep moving. Alex, looking everywhere but down, has stepped into one of Blaine’s BEAR TRAPS.

I didn't think BEAR TRAPS were necessary. You limit your locations and the way they catch bear, at least in Prince George is in a specially designed cage.

Good effort. This was the first one with some humor in it.

Sandra

This was ok. It had a good premise. The descriptions were neat. It reminded me a bit of Sniper's 'Daemon' feature.

It sort of ended lamely - I assume the writer ran out of time? Still, a solid effort.

One query - would you really have time to pull someone's leg out of a closing bear trap?

For me this took a while to get started.  The first 2 1/2 pages were Alex and Blaine bickering.  I think you could really cut this down and that will help pick up the pace.

The story was a little weird.  I really didn't understand the relationship between Blaine and Alex.  Were they friends?  They didn't seem to like each other very much.  

What was the deal with the bold on certain words?  

The ending could have used more of a punch IMO.

I don't know. If you start from the end and work your way backwards, maybe this can work. The idea of horny guys trying to bag a Siren could be funny. Talk about scoring strange! I think if comedy is added to the meat of this, you could really be on to something. As it is, I don't recall much funny until the last line.

If this is gonna be serious, not sure it can be made to work. I mean a couple of guys really trying to hook up with a Siren? I can't buy that.

Not bad.

More blatant humor in here than horror I would say, what with the guys discovering the Siren and subsequently verbally popping boners.  Funny stuff.  The ending I even laughed at.  I'm not sure it was the right way to go for this particular challenge, but what the hell.  I'm tired and it read fast enough and it got a few chuckles out of me without falling into the realm of an obvious comedy.

Nice job.

Greg

This was pretty fun.  The characters were a bit sterotypical, but it's a light-hearted script so fits.  Could have done with fleshing them out more and who they are to each other.

At least the two and a half pages of whining had an amusing pay off at the end.
Not much in the way of horror, but had some unexpected chuckles.
I think if the opening was less about weapons and more about dating it would improve.
That's a more logical set up for the light ending you've chosen to go with.
Not much of a story, more like an elongated punchline.
Something about ex-wives or being school mates would have helped too. Not bad.

E.D.

SHE * I liked parts of it * the actual chase sequence was good * their bear traps must have been rusty * didn’t like the ending but I did get that man is an empty shadow of woman * more jokes than horror * logic issues – did the siren lure them? * so these guys were like siren hunters? Interesting take on myth * no need to bold words unless you’re sure we readers can’t figure it out

I was entertained by this. It's not horrific for me though.

And in no way I find it serious at all - two hunters, one real huntsman and the other aristocratic huntsman (or somewhat of a diver-hunter:), in googles) set to find a perfect woman. When they see her, they get scared and decide to find a simple girl and get her drunk. --this is funny, I think.

An easy read, easy to follow. Just not horrific and very funny.

This story has some effective thrills and a solid off-the-wall comedy in it. For me though the balance of these two elements might mean that neither comes across as well as it might. You could make this more horrific or more comedic and it could work either way.

These are notes I made as I read:

Pg 1 – The first scene works fine, although I’m a little skeptical of the “unseen” creature thing, because it seems like we would have to see something of it for this to happen.

Pg 2 – I like that you have two contrasting characters.

Pg 3 – It just occurred to me that if I was going hunting a Siren I’d have my ears covered. I guess that’s not how it works in your story.

Pg 5 – This chase has thrills but feels a bit random to me. For example what was the bear trap for and is it possible to trigger one and step out of it?

Pg 7 – I like the wrap up.


Philip

I don't mind this one too much. Sometimes the best horror isn't always hardcore- there's something to hang your hat on. Some of my favorite horror films have some (dark) humor in them. Fright Night, Lost Boys, An American Werewolf In London, House (1986) the list goes on.
Some folks I see a put off by the obvious humor hoping for another hard as nails tale. Let me tell you something: it's a great break from the "norm" as it were.

I liked the script for the most part, however, I'm curious as to why some dialog is in bold. I was a bit worried at the start (FADE IN should be at the top) but the script won me over as it went on.

Good job on the OWC

You haven't gotten much reads, yet.  I thought this was just okay.  Seems you have a knack for comedy, because this as others have stated, wasn't really much horror in this.   I didn't see it.  Why you want to bold parts of it ... is beyond me.  If you ever write a feature, I'd try to avoid that unless you have a great story.

Congrats

Ghost

I decided to read this one based on the few number of reads and even views of the thread itself. I was expecting it to be terrible, but to my surprise it wasn't. Not sure why so few have read it.

Anyway, some people might come down hard on you for the writing. Lots of typos and grammar errors. Your dialogue margins look off. Too far to the left.

The story itself is simple and somewhat amusing. Two hunters set out to capture a Siren to see if they are indeed more beautiful/alluring than real women. They meet one and indeed the Siren is what they had hoped. At least at first. Then she turns nasty on them and they barely survive at which point they decide to get women the oldfashioned way. That part works.

Where this script fails is the two hunters. At least for me. I didn't really care about either of them. You describe them to look very different from each other, but IMHO they both sound and act the same. A little character development would work wonders here. You had two more pages where you could have done this.

There were some great imagery in this. Especially the naked woman siluetted against the moon.

For the OWC, I think it failed by being more comedic than horror.

All in all, not bad.  

Can't say I agree with Mistress Pia.  IMO, this is very poorly written, and not taken seriously.

Very awkwardly phrased lines everywhere.  Crazy incorrect use of punctuation.  Passive verbiage.  "We" crap all over teh first page.  Incorrect use of POV's, etc.  Just not good by any means.

Charatcers and dialogue are very poor.  I understand this is meant to be some kind of horror/comedy hybrid, but for me, it's a big old fail.  I would actually like to see this simple but effective premise done seriously.  Could be cool.

Sorry, but it didn't work for me in any way.

Pros

An interesting idea with a lot of potential...two hunters seeking the perfect woman. Potentially says a lot about man's desire to own women and the way they view the opposite sex.


Cons

More comedy than horror.

I'd like to see you have a go at a serious version. I think there is grounds for something good.

Hi, Joseph

Keep your title point size at 12, like everything else.

Begin with left justified FADE IN:


Both contrast in hunting styles: Alex in dark leather with
a TRANQUILIZER GUN and NIGHT VISION GOGGLES while Blaine is
a rough looking man carrying a CROSSBOW.

Cap your characters on their introduction.

Both contrast in hunting styles: ALEX in dark leather with
a TRANQUILIZER GUN and NIGHT VISION GOGGLES while BLAIN is
a rough looking man carrying a CROSSBOW

Alex, looking everywhere but down, has
stepped into one of Blaine’s BEAR TRAPS.
The trap snaps shut, not completely before Blaine realizes
it and whips Alex’s foot out of the trap.
LOL! WTH was that?!

Dialog is kinda goofy throughout.
This is like... Nickelodeon with sex, lethal weapons and buffoonery.

lBOOM! Alex shoots the SIREN dead on with his tranquilizer
gun, putting her into an instant sleep.
Love that moooovie magic!

Alright.
Next OWC that's a comedy and you're good to go!
Crazy. you're funny.
Don't go near any guns, please. TY!  ;)