Taibhse by Ray Liotta - Short - Three teenage troublemakers with a mission to burn down an abandoned house get into trouble they couldn't imagine.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format 8)

Hmmm...well...uhhh...

Listen, although much of the dialogue is actually a Hell of alot better than most of the crap I read and listen to everyday, there's just WAY, WAY too much here. I mean, like WAY too much...and the vast majority goes absolutely nowhere for no reason.

The end doesn't work as written at all, and comes off as really cheesy and expository.

In reality, this isn't nearly as bad as a bunch of the dreck in here so far, but it just doesn't work at all either.

Focus on your story first and make sure your characters aren't cliche'd smartasses that sound like they've been watching Pulp Fiction recently.

I think this took way too long to get going. Sorry to say, but I didn't really like these characters at all. By the time the action got going, I didn't care what happened or what was going to happen to them.

I don't think I'd feel that way if you maybe cut down a few pages of the dialogue and built up the dead book story a little bit. Maybe replace those pages with a little suspense or have them search the house a little more.

Good job on finishing a script.

I agree with the above about your dialogue. Natural. Sounded like three smartass guys. Though amusing to read, a lot if it was unnecessary. I liked the exchange between the three of them about the books, but you need to give us some breathing space from these big mouths, or it does my head in a little, and feels like it’s just there to show off titles from your favourite, prized book collection…:-)

This did keep my attention, though, until the end where I went – huh? I think I’m still a bit confused as to how/what actually happened with this shadow business….nevertheless I did like this, and think it was a pretty dam good effort.

Clarity is great thing. Pacing is great thing. I think this needs bit of both. Take it easy on the dialogue and give us a quiet moment to be scared shitless, I reckon?

Good work! I couldn’t do this in a week.

Naomi

Hmm. Well written in general. I have some questions on the story. Going right to them.

"Brandon reaches down on the floor and feels something wet. He
rubs it around his fingers and brings it to his nose"
--why would he do that? How would we see it in the dark? How did find the fireplace in the dark? If there is some light, then they must have seen something of Darren.
--they would not split up when Darren was killed. They just wouldn't; and they would be FREAKING out.

Regarding the ending; a nice attempt at a twist. I kind of want to know how Future Chris comes to have such super powers. He can move like a shadow and rip throats out and tie up his enemies with them.

Also, if Future Chris has determined the only way to stop this was to go back in time, couldn't he just make scary noises at the door and stop them from entering and ever reading the book? But let's assume for some reason he really did have to kill his friends. Why rip their throats out and tie up their hands? Wouldn't he want to kill them less brutally?

As always with time stories, there are so many questions. If he kills himself, how does he...well, you know what I mean.

Despite these questions, I really liked the effort.

This had some good stuff going for it but could easily be improved.

First thing is that this read long and I think a lot of dialogue can be cut for one reason or another.  While a lot of it was good, for a 10 page short you only need so much of it.  The thing that kinda bugged me was the ending.  First, the Shadow's dialogue was bad.  You think mysterious shadow appearing...they may have something poetic to say.  But it just came off as awkward: "Because tonight, you’re going to be responsible for the death of every person on this planet"

On this planet?  Yeah, not too hot.  

The ending was also pretty anticlimactic.  It felt like a lot of thought was put into the story up to the Shadow point and then it was kind of like you had to wrap it up real quick.  

Darren's death was brutal.  Whoa.

Overall I did like this.  I think the latter part of it can be greatly improved upon, but for what it was it's not bad at all.

Nice job.

Greg

Not a bad effort for a OWC. But I have to echo some of the above. The teens know who Jim Morrison is; I'm impressed. Nothing really wrong with it- a lot of retro 60s and 70s artists/bands adorn the T shirts in retail nowadays. The kids have no idea who half of them are. (and Kurt Kobain has been forgotten about already, go figure) When they start naming off books, I'm skeptical. They talk about and correct each other on how to pronounce Ouijia. Now that I have a problem with.

Because, as others have said, it all amounts to nothing. Furthermore, the characters make a big deal out of it, which makes me wonder why didn't they use an Oujia board, contact a spirit and who they got was Taibhse. Instead, it is not only mindless discussion, it's introducing an element that isn't important. These conversations become filler. Some would poorly argue it is the way kids talk. True- but the downside to that truth is that it's not the only way. Personality and individuality still plays a factor; they have more to say.  What eventually happens when characters lose individual voices is that the run into borderline cliche - even if there may be an element of truth in that cliche.

That's what I get from the characters- they all speak the same to me. The script becomes average at best. What brings it to that level is not the casualness of Chris and Brandon when Darren dies (as someone also noted) but the spirit informing them 'They are about to bring about the end of the world' or something to that effect. At this point, I wish I got that sooner, because now you have my attention -very late in the script. The possible (dimwitted) actions of these teens could threaten the entire Earth by unlocking a supernatural door?! I'm kind of glad Chris and Brandon didn't stop cold and say "You mean like in John Carpenter's Prince Of Darkness?' but I'm glad they didn't...

But think about it-! This statement made by the ghost raises the stakes! That's great! Where do you take it? Someplace average.The door to the other side was opened and the only way to close it was through them. I get it! But it comes late. If you took out the extra two pages of babble, the ending might have been more effective.

Congrats for finishing the challenge though.

This told the story for me right off...

DARREN
Who cares? This whole fucking
neighborhood’s abandoned.

I can barely stand to read the banter like this. I've seen it in so many scripts that I'm starting to think the banality is like a virus that's catchy.

If all a person wants to do is listen to that kind of dialogue, all they need to do is go hang out in a low grade bar or maybe an oil field. And really, I see so many intelligent and sophisticated kids these days, why are so many painted like idiots.

You know, my grandma used to say, "You don't need to be rich, or even really smart to have class".

Don't let yourself go the way of so many that buy the junk that people think is cool. Buy what's kool instead.

Yours is the #40 of this OWC, the last read of the bunch and as I mentioned on my #39, I was going to start hitting close on docs that have fuck this fuck that in them, unless it's used in a meaningful way. For character, or emphasis. I decided to wait, read some of this anyways. But in future reads, I'm going to hit close on this kind of thing.

The following is what you might like to show at the beginning. Not in dialogue, but the mistake he makes.

SHADOW
Because you... are me. Six years
ago, I made the mistake of breaking into a house to burn it down. But I read the wrong spell and instead awoke the dead.

Then you could write the story from the perspective of a series of things that aren't right. Then, he finds out he's dead and meets his shadow.

Most importantly, lose the banter. I think that most of us start off writing banter when we begin. Even afterwards we do, just to rev up the engine sometimes. But pay attention, get rid of it, and see what happens then.

Good for you for entering the challenge.

Sandra

Taibhse * not sure if I liked this one * the shadow concept was interesting but fell short on dialogue * if it’s chris come back to tell them they screwed up wouldn’t he talk like chris? He’d say something like “ hey assholes, put that fucking book down” * also, when three guys are bantering it’s hard to get a feel for their characters * good job of keeping this on one location *

Well, okay, here goes...

I think focusing on what kind of story you want to tell is important. Very important. Characters matter too but if there isn't a distinctive tale that you want to tell then you aren't going to get a reaction from your audience. With that said, I think you introduce a story where anything is possible but nothing really happens.

Like i said, characters are secondary, but still important. These characters all read like the same person with no distinctive personalities. They all curse and are all smartasses. Who wants to read or watch that? Teenagers like this aren't liked for a reason. This is it. Personally, i'd want to backhand every one of them. And, with that said, do you think i'm rooting for them to survive by the end of it? Not so much.

A suggestion I can make would be to just go back to the drawing board and decide why you think these characters are important? If you start there i think you're well on your way to becoming a great writer!

And finally, good job for entering this OWC. It's a challenge for a reason.

Truckloads of unnecessary dialogue killed this one for me.
Odd that these nobs wouldn't make fun of the one with the CD player. MP3 much?

**SPOILER**

Seven pages of mouthy jerk off superfluous teen dialogue mixed with...
Five pages of ghost time travel zombie apocalyptic shenanigans a script does not make.
Get into a scene as late as you can and bail as soon you as you can. Period.
If you simplify your story structure, it will compliment your dialogue better.
Thanks for playing.

E.D.

Really enjoyed the banter between the characters on this one.  As well as the twist ending, and the last few lines.  

If there was any "weak" point in it, I'd say it was the during the killings and the "reveal" at the end (ie: as to who the "big bad" was.)  Good use a little more description, and creepiness in those segments.  (Though the use of the vocal cords was a nice touch.)

Otherwise, cheers - and well done!

Definitely a creepy read (strikes a chord)!
Good ending, I think, but there's too much darkness and confusion to make this visually interesting, except of course for what happens to the boys... maybe the pages and pages of talking are there to be sure the audience hopes the kids all die.  And stay dead.

IMO this took a really long time to get going.  For several pages it was just banter that did nothing to move your story forward.  Their reaction when they saw Darren was way to calm.  Their friend is hanging with his throat cut out...what would your response be?  Just didn't feel natural.  The rest of the action was okay but the fact that it took so long to get there really killed the momentum of this piece.  If you cut down the banter that would pick up the pace and definitely add to the tension of their situation.  

DARREN (O.S.)
Two points!
BRANDON (O.S.)
Yeah and two-hundred decibels. You
wanna be a little bit louder?

Don't know if it's correct to have character names like that. We haven't even been introduced to your characters yet, so the name are irrelevant.

Not a big fan of WE FOLLOW & ON either.

DARREN (O.C.)
Man, screw that book. It went on
for-fucking-ever.                              Should be (OS)

Don't forget to include page number on the top right hand corner.

Your story takes way too long to get going IMO. I'm a fan of well written dialouge, but alot of this could be chopped with the same result.

Strictly speaking, Taibhse translates as appration. Púca is a ghost . . . research my friend. If you don't know or you're unsure of language translations, ask someone who does, especially when it's title of your short.

I don't understand where this is set. From the dialouge, these guys sound American to me, so how does Chris speak As Gaeilge?? You could have used the first few pages to establish that, since it's important.

In total darkness these guy are throwing books from the bookshelf into the fireplace . . . okay, if you say so.

Vocal cords used to tie the guys hands? How long are they?? Human vocal cords are between 12.5 and 25mm in length, you wouldn't tie very much with those.

This script had a kernel of a good story, but felt very very rushed. You need to show more. Alot of the dialouge was exposition, when it should have been used to advance the story and reveal character traits. With some time and polish, concentrating on the central story, which was good, this could be kicked into shaped.

Well done on completing the OWC.

Hi.  I think there were a lot of good elements in this story. Strong natural dialog in the beginning,  i feel it created a nice slower pace, a good contrast to the later sudden horrific deaths. But i think considering the page restrictions, it perhaps it went on a little to long and so the horror aspects of the story became very squashed together at the end.  

The breaking into a house and examining a book case felt a little arbitrary to me, maybe if it was an old library or book shop or something.
The reveal of the shadow, time travel element was lot to take in, if a little random, again introduced and concluded far too quickly.  I liked how his friends raised from the dead and turned on him in the end.

All in all, i think it was good, i'm sure the page restrictions hindered this.
Leon

This is the sixth one I've read, and I like the idea of not naming names right away, but I'm not reading anymore until the names come out.  Having said that... I read this because you haven't gotten many reads.

Overall I thought this was good, the ending was abrupt.  Some of the dialogue was pretty good, actually.   Most of it could go...though.  

A week to come up with a very good script is not a lot of time, so unlike others I don't harp too much on certain aspects...  if most writers had more time to develop their story, most of the issues would be corrected.

So despite some of the previous comments... don't let it overshadow, what was otherwise a decent entry and very good effort.  So congrats.

Ghostwriter

Few characters, one location - it's an easy read.
Use of Irish language - good on that.
The set up is nothing new, no texture here.
The ending is very good I think.
But a bit predictable though.
Can't they break the barred windows?

Interesting story, sci-fi and horror all together. Location would be a pain to secure and outfit. Overall good job.

Pros

Big concept...apocalyptic meets necromancy meets zombies...all set in an abandoned house. Nice one!

Fun dialogue.

I found it an interesting tale and was pleasantly surprised by it.

Cons

Unbalanced towards the end...result of the time restraints.

The reveal of Shadow was heavy-handed and expositional. Now you have the time, you should definitely look at realising the full potential of your little story. It's a good one.

Dialogue: There's too much of it...but that's true of 99% of the scripts. Also the kids seem almost slightly too clever for the type that uses petrol cans to burn down houses...maybe I'm just getting old.

Aside...you missed the opportunity to use the word "Homer" as an insult. "I didn't know you were a writer Brandon!"

"What are you on about?

"Homeeer!".

Hey guys. I just want to say thanks to all for reading this piece of crap that I rushed out and actually enduring it.

As you've probably noticed, I didn't review any scripts during the OWC. I did it intentionally, because I'm not a big fan of the anonimity thing. I can read a person's script without bias and judge on its merits, so I waited until the names were revealed before even attempting to read.

That said, on Monday, I will begin reading each script from the person who read mine (if they entered) and commenting. I say Monday because I'm about to go to sleep and I won't have access to the computer tomorrow, so I have to get this out there now.

Now, for my comments on your reviews. =)

Jeff:

I'm glad you liked the dialogue, despite the amount of it I threw in there. It's really all I know how to do, so if I succeed at one thing, I'm glad it's that. I do disagree that it went nowhere, though. A lot of this, I actually tried to have a purpose for. You're used to reading a better brand of script, though, so maybe you know better.

I know the ending's awful, and as you can tell, I ran out of pages, so I had to wrap it up a lot messier and faster than I hoped to.

Shane:

That's actually the type of story I was hoping to avoid. This wasn't intended to be a story about searching a haunted house. It's about kids who plan to do something, but discover something else which they find more interesting. Maybe I didn't make it clear enough, though.

Naomi:

I'm glad the dialogue sounded good to you, but I was hoping only Darren sounded like a smartass. Guess I kind of made them all sound the same. Sorry. Contrary to popular belief, I don't have a prized book collection. I don't like books. I'm a movie guy. =)

Basically in the end, by trying to read the spell to get rid of Shadow, he read a spell which raised the dead and turned them into zombies, then destroyed the book, making it impossible to reverse the spell.

I'd love to give a quiet moment, but there's a resaon why I don't do horror. Lol. =)

Leitskev:

To answer your questions: Wondering what it was, we wouldn't, felt his way and using the walls, respectively. Yes, they would be freaking out, but they don't. Not all bad writing is created equal. Lol.

First part is because he's a ghost. Second is because he wants them to die quietly to avoid alerting the others.

No. He was brought about by the book. He doesn't just randomly haunt the place in his spare time. Not really, because he was dead and so were they, to him.

As for the time travel aspect, he's trying to make himself die then to avoid raising the dead. But, this is a case of "you can't change the past". By trying to kill them and scare them, he caused himself to read the spell who ends the world.

Greg:

Yeah, the dialogue thing again. Lol. Yes, the ending was rushed and bad and just... embarassing. I had an idea and couldn't execute how it should've been.

That's exactly what it was. I thought a lot about it, ending included, then I realized I only had a couple pages left to work with and I screwed up, then had no time to edit the earlier dialogue out.

Yeah, I was happy about Darren's death. I couldn't wait to kill him off. Thank you.

Darren:

Before I say anything, you like the way I killed you in the script? Lol. =)

I'm going off when I was in high school. Most of my friends loved The Doors. Yes, they know about books, too. They're based off me so they know what I know. Also, the Ouija board thing, the same one person mentions that. He's the well-read of the group.

The conversations are actually more important than they may seem, but I guess I failed at showing how they were important. Yeah, they do run in cliche but you know what? Cliches have to come from somewhere... =)

I just want to thank you guys for the reads and reviews and will get back to you with the rest of the review tomorrow, at some point. =)

Back to this.

Sandra:

It's true, Sandra. There are still some intelligent kids out there. I tried to make Chris seem like one of them. He was well-read, in some form and knew a little Irish. The other two were cliches, but cliches and stereotypes aren't all bad. After all, stereotypes don't just come out of nowhere.

I wasn't in high school very long ago, and they were talking much worse than this. I actually tried to subdue it a bit, but too much and you know that it's not how they talk.

Gary:

Yes, it did fall flat on dialogue. You'd think he would, but he's trying to talk a little sense in himself. After all, Future Chris killed normal Chris' friends. I think he'd be past the point of, "Hey, maybe this guy's talking sense." Banter is how I do character. My action lines are an embarassment, so I try to keep as little of them as possible.

BryMo:

Yeah, pretty much. All character, no tale. I ran out of time, but you can argue the dialogue was meaningless and should be cut and that's where I disagree. There was a particular story I was trying to tell and it's one that would never look good on paper.

You're right. They all talk like smartass teens. I guess I could've changed them to the jock, the goth and the virgin to differentiate. 'Course, then, people would be complaining that I went full-stereotype. I can't win, in that case.

E.D.:

Back to the unnecessary dialogue. That's cool. If everyone's saying it, then you're all probably right. As for the CD player, why make fun of someone for that? Man, I still like CD players and floppy disks. I guess I just never escaped from the '90s.

What do you have against the "ghost time travel zombie apocalyptic shenanigans"? Ok, so it wasn't executed nearly as well as it should've been. That one's on me.

Wonkavite:

I'm glad it worked for somebody, at least. Yes, it was awful and the ending was the ultimate victim of, "Oh, shit, I have to wrap all this up in the next three lines!"

Cathy:

Oh, you made a funny. Lol. =)

Yeah, the look doesn't work on paper, but I think it could look good if it were filmed. Dark but not pitch black, something like that. Well, who says the protagonists have to be liked by the audience. And, technically, because of the ending, we (I) actually hoped regular Chris would get killed so he didn't bring about zombies.

Faith:

Yeah, it did. Lots of dialogue. Why doesn't anyone believe that the dialogue moved it forward? I'm all by myself here. =( Yes, I know about Darren's death. I'm not too good at conveying emotion of any kind. I could do that, I guess.

Eoin:

Technically, it is. Even if it weren't, I'd do it anyway. I hate the idea of not naming something until we see it, but then somebody reading who have to think back and remember who said what.

We follow is bad, yes, but on is ok. That's what I've heard. O.C. also works in that case. It implies that they're in the same room, but we don't physically see them say it. I'd like to include the page numbers, but for some reason, FD7 doesn't do it for me, anymore.

Yes, it does take too long to get going. I know that. The dialogue went on way too long, but my intention was for it to be really slow in the beginning. It just didn't happen the way it was supposed to.

I did research the word and no, it was not a mistake. Chris says he's not great at Irish, so he misinterprets the word's meaning. Apparently, all the characters are supposed to be perfect and know everything...

Yes, it's American. And, as I say in the dialogue, which you think could go, Chris mentions he picked up a little from his dad who actually was an Irishman.

Why wouldn't they see the fireplace? They saw it with the flashlights. Don't you ever remember seeing something, even after you turn the lights off? I do. It's not difficult.

I'll give you this one about the vocal cords. Yes, it's ridiculous and yes, you are right, but if this is the most ridiculous thing you're pointing out in a zombie, time travel ghost story, something's very wrong.

And, part 3.

Leon:

I'm glad you liked the dialogue and pacing. What I hoped for, even though I don't think I executed so well. Yes, it went on way too long.

It's an abandoned old house. Not too many things to look at, I'd figure. Might just be me, though. =)

I'm glad you liked it and yes, it was a page restriction problem.

Ghostwriter:

Most of the same notes I got already, but it helps reinforce the notion that you guys are right.

I'm glad you liked the effort. =)

Khamanna:

Glad it was an easy read.
I try, even if I fail.
I'm not known for breaking the mold. =)
Ending's good or a good idea?
Well, yeah. I like my cliches.
They could, but that would end the story right there. I can't do that. Lol.

Chris:

Cool. Short, sweet and not a negative review. I love it. =)

Rick:

Well, come on, how many times have you seen ghosts, time travel and zombies TOGETHER? Lol.

Fun, movie-like, otherwise known as how no one else in the world really talks.

Cool. Nice to hear, then.

Yes. The time restraints. Yeah, the damn shadow man. Well, it was the only way I could think of besides Molotov cocktails, but those are a hell of a lot more dangerous and effort-taking.

Lol. I could've done that, but I'm just not that clever.



Well, that's all folks. Thank you all for reading and commenting and I'll be back together to review and comment those who read me, in order. Goodbye. =)

Quoted from Mr. Blonde Darren: Before I say anything, you like the way I killed you in the script? Lol. =) I'm going off when I was in high school. Most of my friends loved The Doors. Yes, they know about books, too. They're based off me so they know what I know. Also, the Ouija board thing, the same one person mentions that. He's the well-read of the group. The conversations are actually more important than they may seem, but I guess I failed at showing how they were important. Yeah, they do run in cliche but you know what? Cliches have to come from somewhere... =) I just want to thank you guys for the reads and reviews and will get back to you with the rest of the review tomorrow, at some point. =)

As you know, I have two entries- but I'm going to respectfully ask for you to get to them when the revisions are up. Both will have some significant alterations. Thanks.

Unfortunately not too hot on this story. As stated above, most of the dialogue is Tarantino-ish and very unnecessary towards the story you are trying to tell. I know you are trying to set the characters by giving them dialogue back and forth, but this made the script feel overlong, at least in my opinion.

I did like some of the visuals with the setting, and there is an interesting idea regarding "Shadow" and his story. This, as stated, seems to suffer from constraints as a lot of exposition is provided by "Shadow". Maybe if you cut back the kids' dialogue and rewrote the script without any constraints, this could be a solid little horror script.

Congrats on finishing an OWC.

Rob

The story took a while to pick up speed, but that dosen't mean it was bad.  The script was actually very good.  Once the action started, I was glued to it.  Some story elements, like the ending, were predictable though.  You should see if you can come up with a better ending.  Also, you should try and get the story rolling earlier than you have it set up in this draft.  Keep up the good work.