The Rhino Disaster by O.T. Daynes - Short, Drama - Three guys are forced to take on the dangers and risks to personal well-being that accompany interacting with Rhino. 37 pages - pdf, format 8)

Took a look at this one. I'm sorry to say I couldn't make it past page 5. This is just way too wordy - you're writing a screenplay not a novel. Keep the descriptions lean and mean like Manny Pacquiao, ya dig? 5 pages of description to describe guys smoking weed at a party?

The coffee table in front of him is a testament to the dark
place his life has ascended to. It's surface is populated
by an open, half-empty bag of chips; several open, empty
boxes of over-the-counter cough medications; an open jar,
housing a few sorry scraps of weed. The jar rests atop a
five dollar bill and two singles.

Leave out unfilmables, character thoughts, things that don't move the story forward etc

Thanks. This is one of my primary concerns, as I usually write short stories instead of screenplays.

Read a few shorts here. Check some of the entries from the latest OWC:

Them That's Dead: http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/ThemThatsDead.pdf

You can learn a lot about writing a screenplay from reading good examples.

Glad to see you around the boards OT.

The first thing I see off the bat is that the script starts on p2- which means at one point you had this in Word before converting to PDF and simply didn't adjust the settings. It's an easy fix. Just go to your add page numbers, start at zero, hide first page number. It seems a little petty to bring that up I know, but it has to be brought up.

Right away we are intro'd to the potheads. Not really sure on the age (none given, but I'll take a guess at 20-30) and one point a character named AUGUST is intro'd, and I had no idea she was a she. When I did, the use of pronouns gets confusing on p7 (6).

Quoted Text AUGUST I know. She gives him a grin that doesn't even entertain the idea of reaching her eyes. He walks to the window and looks out, back to her. AUGUST The party is great ! the house looks amazing. He hesitates before responding.

'Owen shrugs' is all you need on p17 (16).

Quoted Text RHINO Vicodin. Fifty mg. Five dollars a pop.

Does Rhino say 'mg' or 'milligrams'?


Okay, Who's Dust? Is that Mullet? See p28 (27)


Aside from the occasional past tense, bolding, and the above mentioned problems, (and one instance of changing locations without a head) the script was fair. It is also incomplete. It finishes like a work in progress. Perhaps it's just getting feedback on the first half of the script to see if it is worth finishing. I really couldn't tell you. Everyone's a doper. There's not a whole lot to tell one character from another, except maybe Rhino and Mullet.

That said, I did manage to read it all the way through. That says to me there may be something here. I think it has to do with Owen and his relationship with August - which gets sidetracked a little in favor of Rhino's drug deals and money he owes. The script, it feels, is at a tug of war with itself. Was this a comedy, like Pineapple Express? No. Is it a serious crime drama, like The Salton Sea (a film that focused on meth tweakers)? No.

But there IS something here. I try to put my finger on it, and this is what I come up with. Maybe with the bust and the idea that someone may (or may not) have talked, the potential threats and dangers of the drug culture itself...maybe one of the guys (the snitch?) has second thoughts about his recreational hobbies.  

Might be nice to see where you go with this.
Cheers
DkS