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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Action/Adventure Scripts  /  Wonder Woman
Posted by: Don, March 13th, 2011, 4:17pm
Wonder Woman by Adrian Tullberg - Action, Adventure - An adaptation of the DC Comic Book Heroine. All rights and likenesses are copyright of Time-Warner and DC Comics. 171 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: jwent6688, March 13th, 2011, 6:38pm; Reply: 1
Meh, I've always been a sucker for female heroines. I got to page 36, where the amazon battles begin. You know your wonderwoman history. I like how you've placed it into modern war times instead of WWII times.

I actually really like this so far, But, t'aint no way in hell I'm reading 171 pages unless the author is around. Scripts should be 120 max, lest you're writing an epic.

Maybe why this movie can't get greenlit. It's too much story for one film. But, you know your weapons and aircraft, I like a good study. The characters were rigid in their mythology dialogue. Believable, I want to see if you've got the writing chops to pull off some good banter between Diana and Trevor once they reach the mainland.

I don't doubt you, I just want to make sure you're around. Waste of time otherwise.

James
Posted by: Adrian Tullberg, March 14th, 2011, 10:28am; Reply: 2
Thanks for reading it so far, and sorry about the page count; the length really got away from me.
Posted by: Lon, March 15th, 2011, 3:26pm; Reply: 3
I can see why.  You're using a whoooole lotta words.

Interesting start so far, but you really need to whittle this down.  The first three pages alone could easily be condensed into one page.

You're almost exclusively using passive verbs -- that is, verbs ending in "ing."  Screenplays are told in present tense and demand active verbs.  I'll give you a for instance.  In your script, you write:

The waves are lapping gently against the pristine perfect
shoreline.
Firstly, you're repetitive.  "Pristine" and "perfect" are the same thing.  "Are lapping" is passive.  
Try: Waves lap against the pristine shoreline.


Something small is being carried along the waves, and is
washed onto the shore.
Try, simply: A small OBJECT floats atop the waves and washes ashore.

A small hand picks it up -

- belonging to an eight year-old girl. Dressed in a short
white tunic, sporting long black hair, absolutely beautiful.
Metallic bands encircle her wrists.

You're calling attention to the girl's hand dipping into the water and picking up the object, but passively.  If you're attempting to lead the reader's eye try CAPPING exactly what you're trying to lead it to.
Try: A CHILD's HAND scoops the object from the water and bring it to the face of a beautiful, eight-year old GIRL with long black hair, bedecked in a tunic.  METALLIC BANDS encircle her wrists.


Looking at the object, she breaks into a grin.

Tucking it into her tunic, she breaks into a run -

First, this can be written as a single line.  Secondly, you're using the same verb for both actions.  "She breaks."  
Try: She grins as she admires the object, then tucks it into her tunic as she breaks into a run toward --


- towards the vast city dominating the island’s landscape. A
city state of gleaming white bordering walls, towering spires
and shining buildings.

vast city...city state...pick one.  
Try: -- a vast, glistening, bordered city which dominates the landscape.
You might also want to go ahead and NAME the city at this point.  Like...
"She grins as she admires the object, then tucks it into her tunic and breaks into a run toward --

NAME OF CITY, a vast, glistening, bordered city which dominates the landscape.


Of course, you don't have to use my examples.  Do something similar, using your own words.  But this is why your script is 171 pages long.  It's the written equivalent of talking too darn much and not using the proper grammar when doing so.  There are heaps of spelling and grammar mistakes and the script whiffs of "first draft."  

You need to activate your critical mind and be cruel to this beast; trim it, cut it, get rid of stuff which isn't necessary.  And there's a lot of that which needs to be done; I skimmed through the rest of the script and the mistakes I've mentioned are present throughout, so you've got your work cut out for you.  I'd say if you do as suggested you could easily -- very easily -- sheer a good 40-50 pages off this monster.  Then you'd have your 120-130 page script, which sounds about right for an epic superhero film.

Best of luck.  Keep writing -- but try not to "talk" so much. ;)
Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), March 15th, 2011, 10:47pm; Reply: 4

Quoted from Lon
The waves are lapping gently against the pristine perfect shoreline.
Firstly, you're repetitive.  "Pristine" and "perfect" are the same thing.  "Are lapping" is passive.  
Try: Waves lap against the pristine shoreline.


Actually, it's not passive.  It's progressive.

'The pristine shoreline is lapped by the waves' is passive.


Phil
Posted by: Lon, March 15th, 2011, 11:13pm; Reply: 5
Eh, you know what I mean.
Posted by: bola, March 18th, 2011, 8:19am; Reply: 6
Story is not bad, but you leave little room for the readers imagination. You describe too much, but i still forced myself to read to page 102. Try cutting it down to 110 pages by going easy on the action descriptions and weapon/ craft specifics and increase dialogue.
Believe it or not, my first script was 182 pages as well. Had to cut it down to about 90 pages. Overall, it's not a bad story. You can get a lot of attention if you produce a tighter draft.
Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), March 18th, 2011, 9:12am; Reply: 7
Usually, when I write a script, I don't think about the page count in the first draft.  It's when I'm on the second and third draft that I take an axe to it.


Phil
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