Just Coffee by Matthew Dressel (dressel) - Short - A customer angers the assistant manager at a diner when he takes advantage of the restaurant's "Free Refill" policy. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

++++++++++++++

Matthew sent me a note that Just Coffee has been produced. He directed it himself.

It was featured prominently on SS and went through the critique process there as well.  It's making the rounds at festivals right now, but eventually I'll put it up for all to see.

Just Coffee (2018 Comedy Short) from Matthew Dressel on Vimeo.

Thanks for posting this, Don.

I was going through my old files the other day when I came across this script I had completely forgotten about.  I read through it and thought it had some promise, so I polished it up and sent it in.

Any feedback you guys have would be much appreciated.

I hate to say it, Matt, but this one kinda fell flat for me.  I guess it's because you set the bar super- high with "Give Me a Break".  Plus you didn't capitalize "employee" when first intro'd.   Totally unforgivable.  (kidding)    The writing flowed well, though.    I'm sure there's plenty who'll get a kick out of it.   For me, it was just so-so.

I'll disagree with screen. This was an enjoyable read. A tad long for what you serve up at the end, 'cos it is effectively a skit. A good skit, however. Some lovely touches in there, particularly Frank and the name badge. Enjoyed it and that's surely the best thing any writer can get from their work.

This seemed like a SNL skit. Good read.

I would have kept the waitresses still in and be a part of the betting. lol. That'll get Frank mad.

Wouldn't the old guy be hype as hell off the amount of coffee he drank?

Hope this helps.
Gabe

Quoted from screenrider I hate to say it, Matt, but this one kinda fell flat for me.

Aw man, sorry to hear that.

Quoted from screenrider Plus you didn't capitalize "employee" when first intro'd.

Unless they're a character with dialogue, you don't have to capitalize their intro (or at least that's what I was taught).

Quoted from Andrew Allen I'll disagree with screen. This was an enjoyable read. A tad long for what you serve up at the end, 'cos it is effectively a skit. A good skit, however. Some lovely touches in there, particularly Frank and the name badge. Enjoyed it and that's surely the best thing any writer can get from their work.

Thanks Andrew.  Yeah, I think I could stand to trim off a couple pages, make it a lean 10.

Quoted from Mr. Ripley This seemed like a SNL skit. Good read.

Thanks.  Glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Mr. Ripley I would have kept the waitresses still in and be a part of the betting. lol. That'll get Frank mad.

Yeah, actually, I was thinking of making it so she never has to leave and then having her take over Jacob's role in the end.  It struck me, after reading it again, that it's kind of late to introduce a new character.

Quoted from Mr. Ripley Wouldn't the old guy be hype as hell off the amount of coffee he drank?

When you're addicted to coffee, like me, it really ceased to have that effect on you.  A coffee addiction simply creates a new baseline for your relaxed/alert stage, and drinking the coffee brings you back up to that state.  When you deprive yourself of coffee, you dip below your new baseline, hence the headaches and all that.

Thanks for reading, everyone!

Quoted from Dressel Aw man, sorry to hear that.

It's okay man.   Don't be sorry.

Quoted from Andrew I'll disagree with screen.

And you really felt the need to make a point of that?

::)

Quoted from Dressel Hey, let's keep that off my thread, please.

Sorry.

Quoted from screenrider And you really felt the need to make a point of that? ::)

Hey, let's keep that off my thread, please.

I wouldn't say that the watriess should take over Frank's job but, just have her there off duty betting along with her other co-workers would be really funny. lol. I mean Frank says she should have told him to leave. Just a suggestion.

Gabe

My one and only incursion on Dres' wishes...

Screen, don't make me use the American version of "geezer" on you :P

Sorry Matt. Happy scripting.

This was paced very well and has a very nice flow to it - it's always fun to read something that just flows.

I thought that you based it on Hemingway's A Clean Well-Lighted Place. It's not which is fine.

I really liked the beginning and the middle of it. Gerald refilling for free is funny and is kind of unexpected. Then people started betting on his drinking coffee - which is fun too. Up until it became about Jacob and Gerald promising him to eat rolls --that is a bit out of blue for me.
Also, at the end I thought that Frank would just fire Jacob - he's being too kind to Jacob otherwise.

Quoted from khamanna This was paced very well and has a very nice flow to it - it's always fun to read something that just flows.

Thanks for giving it a read.  Glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from khamanna I thought that you based it on Hemingway's A Clean Well-Lighted Place. It's not which is fine.

Nope, never read it.  I do, on the whole, like Hemingway though.

Quoted from khamanna Up until it became about Jacob and Gerald promising him to eat rolls --that is a bit out of blue for me.

It was supposed to be kind of a wink that Gerald was staying and now he was going to try to eat a bunch of rolls, just like he drank a bunch of coffee.  Moreso it was supposed to just dig at Frank.

Quoted from khamanna Also, at the end I thought that Frank would just fire Jacob - he's being too kind to Jacob otherwise.

I wanted to give off the impression that Frank was the kind of "boss" who acted bigger than he was.  In reality, Frank doesn't really have much power as an Asst. Manager.  This is evidenced by the scene where everyone talks about who outranks him, and how no one really listens to him.  I should make this more evident though.

Thanks again for the read!

I thought this ran on too bit.  Given what it's about, I'd cut it down to six or eight pages.

I was expecting a zany pay off from this; it fell kind of flat.  You started building something with the employee pool.  Then you ended it.

I'd give this a rewrite.  And redo the ending.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I thought this ran on too bit.  Given what it's about, I'd cut it down to six or eight pages.

Yeah, it seems to be that's the common consensus.  I think it'll probably be around 8 when I'm done trimming the fat.

Quoted from dogglebe I was expecting a zany pay off from this; it fell kind of flat.  You started building something with the employee pool.  Then you ended it.

I think I know why it comes off a little flat, after reading it over again.  We have no stake in Jacob as a character.  I think I need to carry Marie the whole way through and create a new ending that involves her.

Quoted from dogglebe I'd give this a rewrite.  And redo the ending. Hope this helps.

It does.  Thanks for taking the time to read it, Phil.

Matt.

For a 12 page skit, I have to say this read like butter.
Some of the fastest pages I've read in a while.
I like the set up, but the ending does not do it justice.
I didn't see why the waitress we started with had to go home.
Why switch gears and give us new waitstaff to continue the tale.
I think there's a way to link those two characters through circumstance.
Perhaps through idle chat, the first waitress talks of a bill due or debt.
Then the betting pool ensues and she and Gerald are now connected.
Something along those lines could build some drama and urgency for you.

This is a very pleasant read, but we don't have anyone to really root for.
I look forward to seeing where you take this in a new draft.

Thanks for posting and keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

pretty funny.  seems like everyone is taught differently on small details, but I personally capitalize every character's name regardless of dialogue.  

I was trying to think if there was a catch to this, thinking that maybe Frank would snap and Gerald would end up being some higher up who was testing them on the free refill rule, but I'm not mad that there really wasn't a catch.

This did remind me of something though, can't quite put my finger on it.  Liked it, someday I'm gonna read your full length b/c I've liked both shorts so far.  

Quoted from Electric Dreamer For a 12 page skit, I have to say this read like butter. Some of the fastest pages I've read in a while.

Thanks Brett.  "Read like butter" is one of the better compliments I've received in awhile.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I like the set up, but the ending does not do it justice. I didn't see why the waitress we started with had to go home. Why switch gears and give us new waitstaff to continue the tale. I think there's a way to link those two characters through circumstance. Perhaps through idle chat, the first waitress talks of a bill due or debt. Then the betting pool ensues and she and Gerald are now connected. Something along those lines could build some drama and urgency for you.

Yeah, I think this comes as the result of half of the script being written over a year later from the beginning.  Looking back, I'm not really sure why I sent Marie home and switched main characters.  It's a really odd choice, and I think it hurts the ending (outside of it not being wacky enough).

Quoted from Conz seems like everyone is taught differently on small details, but I personally capitalize every character's name regardless of dialogue.

Yeah, I think it varies.  For me, it's more about calling attention to them, and if all they're doing is one thing (like turning on a coffee pot), I don't feel the need.

Quoted from Conz I was trying to think if there was a catch to this, thinking that maybe Frank would snap and Gerald would end up being some higher up who was testing them on the free refill rule, but I'm not mad that there really wasn't a catch.

I actually had that ending in mind at one point, but ditched it.  I figured most people would be expecting that, and I was always taught (especially in comedy) to ditch your first idea because it's probably the most obvious.

Quoted from Conz This did remind me of something though, can't quite put my finger on it.  Liked it, someday I'm gonna read your full length b/c I've liked both shorts so far.

My last short film was featured on a show that had another short in it where a guy walks into a diner and downs 60 cups of coffee.  Personally, I didn't really like the short (moreso the style).  You could probably find it somewhere on line.

It's too bad none of my comedies are up, because you'd probably enjoy those more.  Not to say my other feature's bad or anything.  :-)

I don't know what to say that hasn't been said here...

I really enjoyed the pacing on this. Like what's been said, it was very fluent with nice comical moments.

I really like the chooses that you made on were to take the plot. It starts off with this minimalistic story and you think, "okay, where to now?" But you found a way to keep us (or me) guessing with a very entertaining progression to the story.  With that being said, I do agree that you had not ending on the highest note.

I do like what you did with the free bread, but maybe if you ended it with the bread like you started it with the coffee it would bring it full circle and have more of a satisfying feel. Just throwing out an idea.  

Quoted from another_punchline I really enjoyed the pacing on this. Like what's been said, it was very fluent with nice comical moments. I really like the chooses that you made on were to take the plot. It starts off with this minimalistic story and you think, "okay, where to now?" But you found a way to keep us (or me) guessing with a very entertaining progression to the story.

All kind words.  Thank you.  :-)

Quoted from another_punchline With that being said, I do agree that you had not ending on the highest note. I do like what you did with the free bread, but maybe if you ended it with the bread like you started it with the coffee it would bring it full circle and have more of a satisfying feel. Just throwing out an idea.

Yeah, I need to think of a way to enhance the ending.  I do think that making Marie a solid character throughout will help (as she squares off with Frank).  And you're right, bringing it full circle will help it a great deal as well.

Thanks for the read!

So it's around 1:30 in the morning here and I was trying to sleep, thinking about something completly
different when a though came to me; Frank and Gerald need to confront.
I mean thats what's being building up and at the end Frank is still just steaming on the sideline. Marie should have a more through line as an allie but this is really about Frank vs Gerald.

'He sits down and sets his back next to him". - That line reads funny. Do you mean his bag? I would rewrite this.

I'm with Screen on capping any character. I had the luxury of the famous Bert reading the opener to my elusive feature many moons ago. It starts on a boat that burns down in the 1800's. Full of weary immagrants. In a scene like that, I argued that anyone cappitalized was new to the audience. because I overused MAN or WOMAN at that point, he was confused as to whether these were the same men and women I've already introduced. Capping them, to me, means they are new to the audience.  I even capitalize PEOPLE if we're talking about mass congregation.

FRANK
Gerald. - I think this line deserves a question mark, lest I read it wrong.

Be consistent in your writing...

MARIE
$1.25. - then you have Frank respond...

FRANK
(loudly)
A dollar twenty-five? - Stay away from the numbers unless its a huge amount.

Overall, I liked this. Didn't get why Frank was such a dick, until the manager name-tag thing. Then you put this guy in perspective for me. Was wondering why he cared so much since he wasn't the owner. Maybe have a quick mention that the price of coffee has sky-rocketed. Or him pouring lemon juice in Gerald's coffee to make it taste foul. Trying to get him to leave.

Anyways, I liked it. Thought the ending could use more punch, but it still works for me.

James

Quoted from another_punchline Frank and Gerald need to confront. I mean thats what's being building up and at the end Frank is still just steaming on the sideline. Marie should have a more through line as an allie but this is really about Frank vs Gerald.

I agree.  I started to write this in the original draft but abandoned it for whatever reason.  I'll try again.

Quoted from jwent6688 'He sits down and sets his back next to him". - That line reads funny. Do you mean his bag? I would rewrite this.

Yeah, I meant his bag. Thanks for catching that.

Quoted from jwent6688 I'm with Screen on capping any character.

Honestly, I think a rule like this is one of those that's debatable.  Being that I used the character for one line and one line only (w/no dialogue), I think it's a toss up as to whether or not he/she should be underlined.  My general rule of thumb has always been to follow the rule if it will lead to less confusion, and I don't think the average reader would be confused by it.

Quoted from jwent6688 FRANK Gerald. - I think this line deserves a question mark, lest I read it wrong.

I meant it kind of like he was saying it to himself.

Quoted from jwent6688 Be consistent in your writing... MARIE $1.25. - then you have Frank respond... FRANK (loudly) A dollar twenty-five? - Stay away from the numbers unless its a huge amount.

Noted.

Quoted from jwent6688 Overall, I liked this. Didn't get why Frank was such a dick, until the manager name-tag thing. Then you put this guy in perspective for me. Was wondering why he cared so much since he wasn't the owner. Maybe have a quick mention that the price of coffee has sky-rocketed. Or him pouring lemon juice in Gerald's coffee to make it taste foul. Trying to get him to leave. Anyways, I liked it. Thought the ending could use more punch, but it still works for me.

Thanks for the read, James.  Glad you enjoyed it.  Yeah, in the re-write I hope to punch up both the endings and the characters a bit.

As far as the overall story, the one thing that was going through my mind was that from my experience, the staff would have been annoyed at the old guy, though possibly sympathetic. And I have a ton of experience dealing with restaurant staff. They spend more time talking about annoying customers who waste their time than anything else.

Although their turning this into entertainment might have made this different. That was what made something that is normally annoying and frustrating to them into something tolerable. That, and the fact that it pissed off the manager I guess.

I feel like there was some missing ingredient here, something that if you find it will really make this work. I don't know what it is, and isn't much. You are close to something.

Only thing I can add is that it was never revealed what was in the journal. Might not be important, but that could add something.

As with other work by this author, the writing is very clear and easy to follow. Always a pleasure to venture into.

Quoted from leitskev As far as the overall story, the one thing that was going through my mind was that from my experience, the staff would have been annoyed at the old guy, though possibly sympathetic. And I have a ton of experience dealing with restaurant staff. They spend more time talking about annoying customers who waste their time than anything else.

I can see what you're saying, and you're probably right.  But I guess, when I wrote it, I imagined that 1.) it was the beginning of the day so they'd be less irritable and 2.) I wanted Gerald to be such a sweet old man that all they could do was smile at his presence.  The guy was all smiles and never really acted like a dick.

Quoted from leitskev Although their turning this into entertainment might have made this different. That was what made something that is normally annoying and frustrating to them into something tolerable. That, and the fact that it pissed off the manager I guess.

But yeah, it was stuff like that that really made it so they didn't mind.

Quoted from leitskev I feel like there was some missing ingredient here, something that if you find it will really make this work. I don't know what it is, and isn't much. You are close to something.

I know what you mean.  Hopefully I can figure out what that is.

Quoted from leitskev Only thing I can add is that it was never revealed what was in the journal. Might not be important, but that could add something.

That was actually an abandoned plotline, but in the end, I figured he needed something to do while he was there.  It could be just reading, I suppose.

Quoted from leitskev As with other work by this author, the writing is very clear and easy to follow. Always a pleasure to venture into.

Thanks!

I like the journal better than a book. A lot of interesting things you could do.

Here's one weird thing. He's been working in it for hours, all day. What if it was empty, except on the front page, one very simple thing, like one phrase. Or a quick drawing. The kind of thing that should take only seconds to do, or minutes. Kind of zen thing.

Maybe it could say: Just Coffee.

Or maybe at the end, someone asks, and he shows them, and it just says Thank You.

Over all, I like it. It's a fast read for me. And I could easily see this dinner, the characters ect. in my minds eyes. I also felt this ended in a good spot. Nothing over the top and in keeping with what the story is all about, simple.

Good Job!

Quoted from leitskev I like the journal better than a book. A lot of interesting things you could do. Here's one weird thing. He's been working in it for hours, all day. What if it was empty, except on the front page, one very simple thing, like one phrase. Or a quick drawing. The kind of thing that should take only seconds to do, or minutes. Kind of zen thing. Maybe it could say: Just Coffee. Or maybe at the end, someone asks, and he shows them, and it just says Thank You.

You're right, bringing the journal back into the fold might be the way to go.  I think the best way to do it will probably come to me when I see what form the next draft will take.

Quoted from Hugh Hoyland Over all, I like it. It's a fast read for me. And I could easily see this dinner, the characters ect. in my minds eyes. I also felt this ended in a good spot. Nothing over the top and in keeping with what the story is all about, simple. Good Job!

Thanks for the read, Hugh.  I really appreciate your comments.

Well, having read "The Other Man", I felt compelled to read Just Coffee.  I'm glad I did.

Another win.  Really not much to say here, other than that the writing's clean - the dialogue's very natural (both with the waitresses and the betting staff - both of which could very, very easily have lapsed into cliches.)

And you actually managed to make a very plain, simple (yet amusing) story interesting.

Mark Twain would be proud.  :)

Quoted from wonkavite Another win.  Really not much to say here, other than that the writing's clean - the dialogue's very natural (both with the waitresses and the betting staff - both of which could very, very easily have lapsed into cliches.) And you actually managed to make a very plain, simple (yet amusing) story interesting. Mark Twain would be proud.  :)

Thanks Janet!  I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I'm really proud of this short, and honestly, if I had the money I'd just shoot it myself.

The newest draft should be posted in the next couple of days.  I tried to tighten it up and punch up the ending without losing anything the original draft offered, so hopefully I succeeded.    Thanks again!

The new draft is up.

Hey Matt

This is better.

I would have liked a hint of Jacob and Marie plan to call the manager in.  

I don't buy the fact that Frank who identify his manager's cough that easily. Probably cliche, but have Frank bad mouth the manager without seeing him. Just a thought.

Other than that, it's still an entertaining story.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley This is better.

Thank you, kind sir.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I would have liked a hint of Jacob and Marie plan to call the manager in.

Good thinking.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I don't buy the fact that Frank who identify his manager's cough that easily. Probably cliche, but have Frank bad mouth the manager without seeing him. Just a thought.

I don't really see a reason why Frank would bad-mouth Tom; especially seeing as he's such a suck-up.  And yeah, the cough thing is a stretch, but I guess I see it so much in movies, I thought it would work.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Other than that, it's still an entertaining story.

Always good to hear when releasing a new draft.  Thanks again!

Hey Dressel,

Bad-mouth is a bad choice of words but be angry with the manager whose coughing. Frank not knowing whose coughing would get at the person for trying to interrupt him. Hope that makes sense. Sorry for the confusion. Wrote this last night. :)

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Bad-mouth is a bad choice of words but be angry with the manager whose coughing. Frank not knowing whose coughing would get at the person for trying to interrupt him. Hope that makes sense. Sorry for the confusion. Wrote this last night. :)

Ohhhhh....that makes total sense and works much better.  Thanks for clearing it up.

Hey Matt,

Kudos on a new draft, always good to see rewrites based upon earlier critiques.
This story reads better and felt more satisfying this time around.
I'm unsure exactly what changes you made, but they work.
I felt like the book was a missed opportunity.
Felt strange to intro it, but never call it back in the story.

Good work, modest production, now go film it! ;)

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Kudos on a new draft, always good to see rewrites based upon earlier critiques. This story reads better and felt more satisfying this time around.

Thanks Brett!

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I'm unsure exactly what changes you made, but they work.

I went through and I plucked out a couple sections that flat out didn't need to be there (Marie going on break, for one).  I also increased the conflict and made Frank a more dislikable villain.  I tried to really give you someone to root for in this draft.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I felt like the book was a missed opportunity. Felt strange to intro it, but never call it back in the story.

I thought a lot about that, that is, giving him a reason to be there, and I decided not to tinker with it.  It just became to muddled, thinking of motivations with a notebook or a book, and I liked the simple idea of a man just spending his time at a diner.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Good work, modest production, now go film it! ;)

I really would like to, but I'm sure I would need at least $10,000 to film this (and that's a REALLY conservative estimate - probably closer to 15 or 20).  And that's speaking from experience, I'm not just pulling a number out of thin air.  Now, if someone wants to GIVE me the money to film it, that's a totally different story... ;D

Quoted from Dressel I thought a lot about that, that is, giving him a reason to be there, and I decided not to tinker with it.  It just became to muddled, thinking of motivations with a notebook or a book, and I liked the simple idea of a man just spending his time at a diner.

I was more thinking of an ironic title for the book, like Oliver Twist or something. :P

Quoted from Dressel I really would like to, but I'm sure I would need at least $10,000 to film this (and that's a REALLY conservative estimate - probably closer to 15 or 20).  And that's speaking from experience, I'm not just pulling a number out of thin air.  Now, if someone wants to GIVE me the money to film it, that's a totally different story... ;D

Yikes, make a friend that owns a diner in need of publicity.

E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I was more thinking of an ironic title for the book, like Oliver Twist or something. :P

Ha!  Ok, got ya.  I was confused because motivation was a key thing discussed with people on the first draft.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Yikes, make a friend that owns a diner in need of publicity.

Honestly, finding a diner would be the least of the worries, seeing as most classic diners close at 2 (or shortly thereafter).  I actually wrote this with a diner in mind, but sadly that diner is back in Michigan and I'm in California.

What a great ride of a script. I genuinely had fun reading it. It made me identify with my own prejudices a little. I agree and think the waitress should have definitely stayed around, on her own time.

Nice work!  ;)

Hey Matt,

Actually, I was doing some reviewing on the proper use of slugs just last week and I happened to come across an article that said a character shouldn't be all capped if they don't have any dialogue.

I don't think it makes too much of a difference to me one way or the other, and I've never really thought about it at all in my own stuff, so I don't even know if I've capped silent roles or not.

I like Brett's idea of having the old guy reading Oliver Twist.  It'd be a pretty fun way to foreshadow.  Plus, it kind of would explain the mystery of the book, as throughout the whole story, I thought the book was going to come back into play.

In fact, I was more interested in Gerald's story than I was the conflict between Marie and Frank and wanted to know a lot more about Gerald, because you built him up as a really interesting, mysterious character, but we never find out about him.  The conflict between Marie and Frank wasn't bad, but delving into Gerald's backstory would have piqued my interest in this one a lot more.

It was still a decent story, though, but kind of just regular.  Gerald is what really would have made this story pop.

- Mark

Quoted from Loulou What a great ride of a script. I genuinely had fun reading it.

Thanks Loulou.  Glad you liked it!

Quoted from Loulou It made me identify with my own prejudices a little.

I'm not entirely 100% on what that means, but I'm glad you got something out of the script.

Quoted from rc1107 Actually, I was doing some reviewing on the proper use of slugs just last week and I happened to come across an article that said a character shouldn't be all capped if they don't have any dialogue.

I was always taught to only capitalize if they have dialogue, but I thought I'd try it out for this draft seeing as it was mentioned a couple of time.

Quoted from rc1107 I like Brett's idea of having the old guy reading Oliver Twist.  It'd be a pretty fun way to foreshadow.  Plus, it kind of would explain the mystery of the book, as throughout the whole story, I thought the book was going to come back into play.

I think, as screenwriters, we try to find significance in everything, when in reality, if someone was watching this short and he pulled out a book, I doubt anyone would really care.  They'd probably say "Ok, he's reading."  In actuality, I included it because it seemed odd to have him just sit there all day doing nothing.

Quoted from rc1107 In fact, I was more interested in Gerald's story than I was the conflict between Marie and Frank and wanted to know a lot more about Gerald, because you built him up as a really interesting, mysterious character, but we never find out about him.  The conflict between Marie and Frank wasn't bad, but delving into Gerald's backstory would have piqued my interest in this one a lot more. It was still a decent story, though, but kind of just regular.  Gerald is what really would have made this story pop.

I can see what you mean, but that wasn't really the story I was trying to tell.  I wanted Gerald to remain a mysterious character, and I wanted that mystery and his bizarre behavior to fuel the going-ons at the diner.  I think, if I were to delve into what makes Gerald who he is, it would become an entirely different script.

Quoted from dressel if someone was watching this short and he pulled out a book, I doubt anyone would really care.  They'd probably say "Ok, he's reading."

Oh yeah.  I definately get what you were saying, and I do look for meanings where there probably is none probably because I hide meanings in my stuff a lot.

But also, as a reader, had it just stated that "he pulls out a thick book and reads", I would've thought nothing of it, much like a viewer wouldn't.  But it was going that extra distance and saying that the book and it's title wasn't descirnable, drew extra attention to it for me as a reader, and that's why I focused.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with it at all, and it didn't detract from the story at all.  It just especially caught my attention.

Quoted from rc1107 But it was going that extra distance and saying that the book and it's title wasn't descirnable, drew extra attention to it for me as a reader, and that's why I focused.

Ha, I actually wrote that so people wouldn't think there was anything special about the book.

I didn't read the first draft, not that it matters.

I didn't think anything of the book. I just thought he was there to read and drink coffee.

It felt a little long for what it is, but it reads very fast, so that isn't much of a factor other than opening it to see the page count.

The betting thing seemed a little odd, as did the old man chugging coffee from the pot. The betting came out of nowhere, at least the level it was at when you introduce it. it could use some setting up, but that would distract from the story here. tough call. As for Gerald chugging out of the coffee pot... it crossed my mind that he plays a better character if he remains quiet, aloof and a little mysterious. chugging coffee while people chant takes away from that.

Those were things I noticed, they aren't major issues. I was surprised by the end at how entertained I was with such a simple tale.

My favorite part is the ass manager putting on the manager's name tag. That told me everything I needed to know about that guy. Very funny. I've worked with people like that, you nailed his character.

Overall, very strong. I liked it.

Quoted from reuel51 It felt a little long for what it is, but it reads very fast, so that isn't much of a factor other than opening it to see the page count.

I tried my hardest to cut it down in between drafts, and I even cut out whole sections, but it just kept ballooning back up to about 12 pages.  I think, if performed, the dialogue would go by much faster than the one page/one minute rule though.

Quoted from reuel51 The betting thing seemed a little odd...The betting came out of nowhere, at least the level it was at when you introduce it. it could use some setting up, but that would distract from the story here. tough call.

I wanted it to come out of nowhere for comedic effect.  I used to have a line that referenced it before Frank entered the kitchen, but I took it out because it messed with the flow.  It'd be easy enough to put back in though.

Quoted from reuel51 As for Gerald chugging out of the coffee pot... it crossed my mind that he plays a better character if he remains quiet, aloof and a little mysterious. chugging coffee while people chant takes away from that.

Point taken.  Hmmm.  Not sure how to handle that, as it is a rather large part of plot.  I'll give it another gander later on.

Quoted from reuel51 Those were things I noticed, they aren't major issues. I was surprised by the end at how entertained I was with such a simple tale. Overall, very strong. I liked it.

Glad you liked it!  I don't know how I missed your review, but I'm sorry it took me so long to respond.  Thanks again for all the compliments and critiques.

Congrats!

I look forward to seeing this.

Penny for Your Thoughts is my favourite short film on SS.

Filmed:

Just Coffee (2018 Comedy Short) from Matthew Dressel on Vimeo.

Well done Matthew, written, directed, (produced and edited) it's nicely done 🙂