Them Cuts by Simon Colligan (SiColl007) - Short -  Local councilors meet to try and find solutions to budget restraints… 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Sorry Simon, but this fell extremely flat for me.  You took one joke and stretched it to four pages... and the joke wasn't that funny.  It might've been something if Nigel spoke up against the idiots in the room.  It might've been something if you didn't spend the first two pages setting up for the joke.

Regarding the formatting, you describe a number of things incorrectly:

Quoted Text These are the council officers, bureaucrats, officials, of this town hall.

If I was watching this on the screen, I would never know they were official in a town hall.  I would think corporate America first.

Quoted Text It’s time to call order; Nigel’s getting nervous, and just a little excited.

Describe things as they happen, not before.

Quoted Text ESTHER NGOGWE (30’s) can now no longer contain herself, and must deliver further input.

There's no reason top write this.  Her dialog tells us she has something to say.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Okay - points taken on board & thanks for reading.

Sorry, not a fan of the way you write. Seems like you're having too much fun writing this. Making little jokes that maybe make you smile, but fall extremely flat for the rest of us...

"NIGEL HAVERING (50s), portly man of too many lunches." -  A portly man suffices. The "too many lunches"...  not funny.

You CAP Michael's last name, yet, not his first. Cap his whole name when you intro him.

"Michael and Maggie wander off to grab a well-earned coffee." - another irittating line. What did they do to "earn" their coffee? Makes no sense whatsoever.

Miffed by the ending. If there was a point, I missed it.

I have a reputation of a dick around here. Not proud of it, but I'm always honest. I didn't like this, good luck on it.

James

Simon,

Been seeing you around the boards more lately, so I picked this up.
The one joke didn't really work for me.
Almost half gone with routine set up and then two pages of cut puns.
The cheeky asides that Phil mentioned really detracted from my read.
I kept waiting for Nigel to refute the idiocy, something to create conflict/tension.
And no cut the cheese joke? They could have vetoed cutting the cheese.
With all the fatties you described, I kept waiting for that pun.
Best of luck with another premise.

Regards,
E.D.

Simon,

I though the idea was funny, maybe I'm the only one. I enjoy cheesy play-on-words and I don't care who knows it.  This is what I would suggest:


First, it does go on way to long. If you can cut this down to 2 pages, which on screen would translate to maybe a minute considering its all dialogue, I think it could work.  

You don't need everyone coming it, that's to much set up for what this is, which is one joke.

Just start with them all sitting at the table. "We are here to discuss budget cuts, let's begin." Then have at it. Cut (no pun intended) the flabby jokes that don't work and stick with the tight ones.

Also, on the last "cut it out",  maybe Nigel should finish with a "That's settled! Meeting adjourned." Everyone get's up and walks away. Something like that.



That's my comments and a few ideas. Hope it helps.

Simon,

I tend to agree with the main points here:

- It's overly long.
- And the resolution doesn't justify it.

I'll disagree with James about the style of writing - I liked it. Perhaps it's a British thing. I don't know. Obviously cuts is the word in our politics right now, so I had a read on that basis. Good setup but there's no real meat here. WT's suggestion is pretty good and would highlight how pointless the whole exercise is and lampoon the political process in much the same way as Yes Minister.

Thanks for all the feedback - in retrospect, (and having read the feedback) I don't think the idea really has legs & there are better uses of my time - that's not to say feedback time has been wasted - bit of a lesson learnt. Cheers all.

I thought it was pretty amusing if you could whittle it down to 2 pages. The first few pages made it feel like it was really going to go somewhere, which made the jokes at the end feel disappointing. It seems like it could be decent material for an SNL skit or something of the like.

This is short script of the day, so I took a look, then read the comments. I guess you're moving on away from this so I won't go on too long. This came off overly silly. It didn't seem like the characters were taking this serious, and I don't mean making cuts, but they should at least be serious about their suggestions. That, to me, is where this falls flat, the characters know they are making jokes so it isn't funny to the audience.

Anyway, keep writing. :)

Brian

A fast, simple script. From what you have, yes, there is some good dialogue. When I read the description of the script, before reading, I was preparing for some actual politics! :) Maybe making this into something bigger wouldn't be such a bad idea. A general well done.

Notes:

• Page one - great room description, as well as people description; "smart professionals" & "overpaid".
  
• Page two - "Michael and Maggie wander off to grab a well-earned coffee" - I don't like this because before you said they're "overpaid" and "under-worked". Clearly Nigel is in charge. "PENNY DENHAM (50’s), large, like obese..." made me smile. Good dialogue.
  
• Page three - For me the jokes fell flat, and I agree with the following: "How about cutting the crap?" - sorry.
  
• Page four - Ended well. I like the gradual build up to the end... although this is a bery short script!

Simon,

Let me "cut" to the chase. I liked it. I actually read it to see how far the "cuts" would go. Perhaps from a purely technical point it fell short but I liked the idea. It was original.

Peter

Hey Simon,

My apologies for beating a dead horse, but this one was a dud for me. There were too much descriptors in the beginning for a one joke script. You could have easily described the room in a few sentences. Plus you could have started the script with the mediator telling everyone to sit down.

One thing that bothered me was the cheap shots at fat people. Now I love taboo jokes about fat people (and anyone else for that matter), but the "too many lunches" line is completely unnecessary since it just appeals to the reader (and not the viewer).

this kind of comedy simply sails or flails with me. there are bits of monty python (and word play in general) that are downright hilarious. but then there are other parts that suck john cleese balls. unfortunately this fell into the latter for me.

overall? i like you brand of comedy, but this one just didnt cut it for me (hardy har har)

Okay, got to provide a bit of contrary opinion here (at least put myself in the vast minority).

Granted, this script isn't weighty.  It doesn't have moral significance, or developed characters.  But it's a cut, funny, short skit....something I'd expect to see on an episode of Monty Python, or SNL.  And for what it is, I thought it was cute.

And...FWIW: I *liked* the line "Portly man of too many lunches..."