I Feel The Heart Next To Me by Talent - Drama, Comedy, Romance - SHAUN a married man, maintainance his responsibilities in loving his pregnant wife while his best friend RICKY enjoys the pleasure of lust. At the end its up to you to decide love or lust. 134 pages - pdf, format 8)

Lately I feel good about my log lines.

I have to assume English is the second language in some of these. If that is the case, you really do have my respect for your accomplishment in writing a feature in a language that is not native. Maybe someone here can help you out.

But whether English is the native language or not, you really should get someone to proof read, someone who is fluid with English. You might have a great future as a screenwriter, the obstacles in this field are high enough already without adding language and grammar problems.

thank you man, it a pleasure to sight on your comment for they with elevate me in the future, I'm 19 with a heart of a forty year old, nothing will fail me.

Ummm...

Hmmm...

I may have said this before, but I'll say it again here...this just may be the single worst logline I've ever seen.

It really doesn't matter what language you speak or write in.  Based on how this log reads, no one, and I repeat, no one is going to open this script up unless they're looking for a laugh.

I'm sorry, cause I know how mean that sounds, but it's the truth.  You need to work with someone who can help you with translating from whatever language to English.

Jeff, do you think it's fair to comment on the logline without reading the entire script? C'mon man, it's only 134 pages for you to read!  ;)

Ok but seriously, Talent, you need to get a native English speaker to edit this for you. What you think you are communicating and what you are actually communicating are two completely different things, as very little in this script makes any sense in its current form. There may be a story there, but it's too hard to decipher at the moment.

Cheers,
Tim.

Tim, it's fair now, as I read the opening passage, which is unreadable.  The opening Slug - "Long Angle" - tells me everything I need to know about this script.

Jeff I really think you are missing out here. Consider this description, 'Ricky is tall, premature with a sense of enjoying life without any threat of boundaries.'

That's the first time I've seen a character's sexual inadequacies included in their description. Unless of course the writer wants us to know that he was born prematurely.

Tim, Thanks man, i will work on edit my extremely editing my work, i usually write with a mind of getting the story open then relax to hear what they will say about it,... whether it builts or demolish I will keep moving forward I'M UNSTOPPABLE... PASSION MADE ME..........
Talent...

Talent, don't be discouraged. If you are 19, that determined, and are able to complete a feature length script in English when it is not your native language, there is much reason to be hopeful. Much!

But Jeff is right that no one will read it, and you need reads. And if you are going to do a movie in English, you will need to master English I would think.

If I could make a suggestion: submit some shorts here. People will give them a chance, give you feedback. This will help you while you are mastering English.

Jeff is only helping you with his honest comments. Good luck!

Dreamscale, I understand your sight, it's pretty amazing what you write and it really shows me what I have to avoid in order to make it big, first keep the script simple, second read it and try to understand, then understand before you try... understand is what makes you see or recognize the mistakes... you're on page one if you flew to page 130,i will on the same sight with you.........QUICK TO JUDGEMENT BUILDS NEGATIVITY...
Talent........................

Yeah, I'm sorry for saying what I'm saying in the vein I'm saying it in...cause that's not right, and I apologize.

But this comes off as a comedy, based on the way it's worded, and it just ain't gonna fly, brother.  I'm sorry.  Never give up, though.

Talent, I think you will have a problem getting anyone to read this script.  English is, apparently, not your first language.  This shows in your script as well as your posts.  You may have better luck finding a similar site in your home country.

Good luck with it.


Phil

Jeff,,,By PREMATURE I meant that RICKY he's not mature in thinking, he doesn't see the future in his life, he lives to enjoy the moment without bringing it to sense.... premature is not necessarily seven months, it a state of not meeting the standards of being real
Talent

Phil, i get you man but that script i wrote it then i asked someone to read it before i sent it all that wasn't said then when I placed it on the site time wasn't on my side, speed kills, i understand.
Talent

Cool Dreamscale, i will scale my dream too, help in a good way not with a huge rock on top of my head.... I appreciate your words, they are currently helping on the script that i'm writing now, It's a ACTION COMEDY i'm on page 58 and on the other its a ACTION CRIME i'm on page 64, i hope you will read then soon.....
Talent....

Hey man it was actually me who commented on the premature thing. The word you mean is immature.

You sound like you've got a good attitude, I would normally read your script and give you some advice but it's just too hard to understand because of the broken English. Maybe someone can help you translate it better?

Now I notice you are in Jo'burg, is English not taught in South African schools now? Just curious, because I have a few friends from there and I was under the impression most South Africans are fluent or at least have a good grasp of English. Is that not true?

Without reading it:
Shaun is  a married man, who's trying to balance maintaining his responsibilities and loving his pregnant wife.  Ricky, Shaun's best friend, is a bachelor trying to enjoy the experience and pleasure of single life. Read along as they discover the true meaning of love, while creating a ton of memories along the way

It's at least a bit better

Talent, I really like your attitude, so if you want, I can try to help you translate this to be better understood.

Talent...  I try to avoid reading new scripts because most of the writers aren't around, but you've been popping up here lately, so I took a look.  I made it to page#24, but it wasn't easy.  

Mainly because I was hoping to get to the story, but nothing has happened. You need to grab the reader within the first ten pages.  Get to your story quick, set things up efficiently.  It's too late in the game... you cannot wait until act two to know what your character is after.  I also didn't feel Shaun was driving your story and he should be.  I would definitely get Shaun and Nicole together much sooner.  And there's really no conflict either, everyone seems to get along.

134 pages is too long.  Somewhere between 90 and 110 is better.  If you took out all your camera directions, cutdown on all the unnecessary descriptions, and just focus on your story, who could get there.  (most of your writing is superfluous and distracting), don't be compelled to describe every setting, every action, every moment down to the minutest detail, the smallest gesture, the most miniscule moment.  It makes for a boring read.

Use the rule of thumb. No paragraph should be taller than your thumb is wide.  Less is so much more.  Keep them under four.

Not saying you can't use camera directions, it is a screenwriting tool at your disposal, but too be honest they should be left for the shooting script.  Like this one, and that's fine and dandy if you plan on filming this yourself... if you're not... then you should be writing a spec script instead.

If you write a script that looks like a shooting script, you are advertising your amateur status and the fact that you haven't read many professional scripts. Don't do it.

I've extracted two pages from your script, and left comments, suggestions.  I'll email the PDF document to you.

Other tad bits...

The beginning of scene#5... get rid of... "The sun ascends."  
Your introduction of Nicole... not good.  "she makes you feel your heart claim to be convicted within your chest as it pounds... she turns a second into an hour when you stare at that her you can't get enough."

Remember you're confined to what we can see and hear.  With one exception-- the character descriptions. Want to imply something about the character beyond what a camera and microphone will capture?  But... you blew it here.  Try again.

I don't know, maybe... NICOLE EVANS, 30s, beautiful, pregnant, good-girl wholesomeness, sits on the sofa.  I'm thinking off the cuff.

All that dialogue between Nicole and Cynthia... cut the blather, "How are you... how you doing..."  It's boring, ruins the pace, and it doesn't advance your story.  There's actually more throughout.  I just pointed out this exchange.

"the cookies push each other becasue they don't want to reach to a death penalty while Nicole and Cynthia coffee up in speech."  I've read this four times and I still didn't get it.  I've come to my own conclusion, consider getting rid of it.

Scene #6,  the dialogue between Dwayne and Shaun... people don't talk like that.  Atleast none I know.

Please hang around, browse through the forums.  Participate.  You can learn a lot from the folks here.  You seem to be gracious about the comments you've been given, hopefully they continue to be helpful.  I'd like to think were all here for the same reason, to help your fellow writers to fine tune their work.

I truly believe...**All roads lead to Rome** -- read professional scripts, read, read, read.  Screenwriting books, learn the craft, develop good writing habits, so you can write professional material in a professional way.

And yes, I'm still on the road to Rome.  Good Luck.

Ghost
  

Talent -

Like a few others who have already posted, I found that I couldn't get past the first page...the English is just not smooth.  And the logline does really need adjustment.

THAT SAID - from the little I read, it appears that you have talent and skill for putting together poetic descriptions.  For example (on p. 1): A city that plans big, not small.  A description of a character as tall, athletic...everything that a lady would stare at.  (I'm paraphrasing somewhat.)

I have to say - to make the most of what you have, you probably would be best off writing this in your native language (and maybe polish the English version in your spare time.)  Not trying to be harsh - not at all. But hey - play to your strengths!!