Candy From A Baby by  Seth Rodgers (seth17889) - Short - Bullying little kids isn't as easy as one may think. Taking candy from a baby can be dangerous. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

*Spoilers*

Hi Seth -

I'm sorry to say, not a fan of this one - for a few different reasons.  

One, the girl's dialogue seems a little too advanced for her age (and definitely *too* snarky to an adult).  Two -- what the heck's the relationship between the two characters (and what sort of adult would talk to a kid like that?)  Three: You're telling me an eight year old beat up a middle aged adult?

On the other hand, writing's pretty clean.  Nice job there.

Best and cheers,

-WV

Based on the fact that this is more of a shooting script, and that you mention your production company on the title page, that you are going to shoot this.  I recommend that you don't, atleast until you've done some rewriting.

Your characters are completely unbelievable and under-developed.  Paige is an eight year old girl, yet her dialog is way beyond her years:

Quoted Text "True. Being a geek would at least imply some level of intelligence."

Quoted Text "It’s been medically proven that the average person can live off their own body fat for three to five days."

These words come from an eight year old?  Seriously?

Your descriptions can be improved and tightened up quite a bit.

Quoted Text A young girl, approximately 8 years old, (this is Paige, though we do not yet know this), sits down at the kitchen table. She sees a candy bar and her eyes light up.

Can just be written:

Quoted Text PAIGE (8) sits at the kitchen table.  She sees a candy bar and her eyes light up.

This just shortened a line off your script.  Incidentally, Michael doesn't refer to her by name, so we never get to know it anyway.

The story, itself, is cute.  It just needs to be told better.


Phil

this is just casual..nothing spl & is it necessary a script writer to mention shot details...i think its the job of director of photography how he should the shots.

hey Seth, I'm not going to repeat what the other posters said because they're spot on. what i want to concentrate on is the story itself. i hate to say this, but this is one of the most pointless stories ive ever read. its not clever nor is it entertaining. you literally have one character steal a candy bar from a little girl and the little girl takes it back. what's so funny about that? she doesnt even steal it back in an amusing way. she just tackles Mike. thats it. i cant imagine a more unimaginative way for this to happen. anything would be better than this. hell, it'd be more entertaining if she pulled out a gun and blew Mike's balls off (i didnt mean that as a double entendre btw). i'm really sorry to be so negative Seth, but this was just so...uninspired

Oh boy!

Like others have already pointed out, the issues here are many...and everywhere.

On your title page, you have "BY by", which is obviously  a terrible way to begin.

The camera direction/shots/etc. are all completely unnecessary and distracting.

Characters are cardboard with zero characterization.

Dialogue is poor.

Action is poor.

Writing is bad - awkward, typos, passive, just not good at all.

And finally, the story is...well...there's no story here at all.  A complete waste, IMO.

I had a tough time getting through this 4 page script, that should say something.

Remove all camera shots. No need for things like: A short 15 to 30 second shot...this does not belong in a script. Directors notes more like it.

You introduce Paige and have her read lines, but we don't know this yet? Remove that and keep PAIGE as her introduction.

Remove continues at top and bottom of pages.

Spelling errors - Mike get's up.

go over this two maybe three more times, reformat it and check grammar.