- Logline: A schizophrenic hitman babysits for the adopted daughter of an advertising agent in a pub.

- Any genre

- Any MPAA rating

- under 5 pages

Vote for the one you like best.

A

FADE IN:

INT. ROY’S APARTMENT - DAY

A rathole.  ROY, 35, unshaven, sits at a table, taps his fingers nervously.  The golden ring on his right hand knocks incessantly on the cheap wood.

WALT, 47, close-cropped gray hair, steely eyes, sits across from him.

WALT
Last time, Roy.  Last chance.  I need the money.

ROY
I keep telling you I don’t have it!  You’re gonna have to give me time to come up--

WALT
We’ve already given you too much time.  Plus, you ran.  I had to track you down here.  I hate it when I have to do that.

Walt stands up, paces around the table.

Roy rubs his stubbly chin, his eyes dance wildly.

ROY
Let me...let me just think of--

With lightning speed, Walt removes a thin cord garotte from inside his shirt sleeve.  He wraps it around Roy’s throat, squeezes.

Roy falls to the floor, pulling Walt with him.  He gags, tries desperately to pull the cord from his throat.  

Walt grits his teeth, tightens the noose.  Roy punches backwards, hitting Walt in his shoulder.  His efforts weaken, then finally stop.

Walt stands, looks down at Roy’s body, stuffs the garotte into the pocket of his jacket.

WALT
Sorry, Roy.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Walt walks out of the apartment building, strides up the sidewalk.

Dozens of VOICES whisper unintelligibly.  Walt stops, looks around.  Anger, frustration registers on his face.

WALT
Damn.

He looks to his right, sees The Golden Goose Pub.  He walks in.

INT. THE GOLDEN GOOSE - DAY

The place is mostly empty.  Walt heads right for the bar, beckons the
BARTENDER.

WALT
Harp draft and a shot of Jack.

As the Bartender fills his order, Walt reaches into his pocket, pulls out a bottle of prescription medication.  He pops a pill into his mouth.

The Bartender slides the drinks in front of Walt, who quickly downs the shot.  He lays some cash on the table, then turns to observe the denizens of the pub.

He instantly notices RACHEL, 8, sitting by herself at a table.  She waves at Walt.  

Curious, Walt waves back.  He takes a sip of his beer, walks over to her.

WALT
Are you here by yourself?

RACHEL
No, I’m with my dad.  He said he’d be right back.

WALT
Well, lotta weirdos in this town.  I’ll sit with you ‘til he gets back.

Walt sits in the chair diagonal from Rachel.

WALT
What’s your name?

RACHEL
Rachel.

WALT
Nice name.  I’m Walt.

Walt glances to his left.  Sees PETER, 40s, a bearded man, staring at him from a booth.

Walt looks back to Rachel.

WALT
Like I said, lotta weirdos.

Walt glances back to Peter, who still stares at him.

WALT
Something I can do for you, man?

No response from Peter, just an intense gaze.

WALT
You know, if this kid wasn’t here, I’d--

Walt furrows his brow, looks Peter up and down.

WALT
(to himself)
Peter DeNunzio.

RACHEL
What’s the matter?

Walt looks at Rachel, back to Peter.

WALT
Uh...that man.  I think I know him.  But, it can’t be him.

RACHEL
Why not?

WALT
Because I kil...because that guy isn’t around anymore.

Walt looks away from Peter, closes his eyes tightly, rubs his forehead.

RACHEL
Are you okay?

Walt opens his eyes.  Peter still sits there, staring.  

Walt turns away, glances to the other side of the bar.  TANNER, slender, 20s, leans against the far wall, arms crossed.  He stares at Walt.

WALT
What the hell?

RACHEL
What’s wrong, Walt?

WALT
That’s Tanner Krebbs.  I stuffed that guy into a--  

Walt wipes his lips with a shaking hand.  He gazes around the pub.   RALPH, a fat, elderly man sits at a table, stares at Walt.  Walt’s eyes narrow in disbelief.

WALT
(to himself)
Ralph Azeroff.

Walt continues to scan the pub.  One patron after another stares directly at him.  A leather clad BIKER.  A young LATINO MAN.  THREE MIDDLE-AGED MEN in a booth.

Walt shakes his head, takes a long swig of beer.

WALT
No.

JOHN, 38, takes a seat at the table.

JOHN
(to Rachel)
Hi, honey.

RACHEL
Hi, Daddy.

Walt struggles to regain his composure.

WALT
I was, uh, I was just sitting here while you were away.  This is a very nice girl you have here.

JOHN
I know, Walt.

Walt leans back in his chair.

JOHN
Don’t remember us?  Well, it has been a while.  About twenty years.

Walt looks at Rachel, back to John.

JOHN
Car bomb.  Meant for me.  Got her, too.

Slowly, Walt turns to Rachel.  She stares at him.  Not angry, not judgmental, just a focused gaze.

Pale, sweating, Walt pushes his chair away from the table.  He coughs, sputters, shakes his head.  He reaches into his jacket, pulls out his bottle of pills, shakes four into his hand.

ROY (O.S.)
Your pills won’t help you, Walt.

Walt looks up, sees Roy standing above him.  Roy takes the fourth seat at the table.

Walt slams the pills into his mouth, guzzles his beer.

WALT
You’ll go away soon.  All of you.

ROY
Not this time.

Roy taps his left shoulder.  Confused, Walt slowly looks to his own shoulder, sees a tiny spot of blood.  

His eyes flash back to Roy, who balls his hand into a fist, displaying his golden ring.  With his other hand, Roy slides back the jeweled crest of the ring, revealing a tiny spike.

ROY
Gotcha.

WALT
Cyanide?

Roy nods his head once, stands.  John, Rachel and the rest of Walt’s victims stand, walk for the front door.  One by one, they step into the light.

Struggling to breathe, Walt slowly lays his head on the table.  He looks to Rachel, who waves at him, then disappears through the door.  Walt closes his eyes.

The Bartender cleans a glass, notices the man asleep at the table.  He shakes his head, helps another customer.

FADE OUT.

B

OVER BLACK:

SUPER:  If your circle stays unbroken, then you’re a lucky man, cause it never, never, never has for me.

FADE IN:

EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES – EVENING

An orange fireball sinks into the Western horizon.

Traffic sits at a standstill, while PEDESTRIANS make their way through the maze of skyscrapers.

EXT. TIMMY NOLAN’S PUB & TAVERN – CONTINUOUS

ARTHUR MIDDLETON, 50’s, well dressed, stern features, stands with his daughter, MICAH, 12, cute, innocent eyes, just outside the entrance.

Throngs of swiftly moving PEOPLE bristle by.

MICAH
Are you sure he’ll be here?

ARTHUR
He damned well better…if he knows what’s good for him.

Micah’s eyes rise to the glowing neon sign above the entrance.

MICAH
Why do we have to go into a bar?

Arthur pats her head like a dog, as he scans the moving crowd.

ARTHUR
It’s not a bar…it’s a pub, and it’ll only be for a couple hours.

Micah rolls her eyes.

NICAH
Mom would never…

ARTHUR
Your Mom’s gone, Kid.  You’re with me now…remember?  Quit bitching…I’m tired of it.

ASH, early 40’s, handsome, yet somewhat “off”, approaches.  His eyes shift constantly around him.

ARTHUR
Ash!  You’re late.

They shake hands.

ASH
Am I?  Must have been the winds.  I had to adjust my point of sail and trim, while tacking the entire time…it was quite a ride.  Thank God for the seagulls…they guided me in.

Micah looks on in bewilderment, a smile on her face.

ARTHUR
Alright, Ash…

He motions to Micah.

ARTHUR
My daughter, Micah.
(beat)
Micah, this is Ash.

Ash raises and lowers his eyebrows in rapid succession, bows, and curtseys.

ASH
God save the Queen.  Aren’t you a beautiful flower, though?

Micah blushes, smiles bashfully, and curtseys herself.

Arthur pulls Ash close.

ARTHUR
Pull it together, man.  You hear me?   Take care of her, and take care of our arrangement. There will be two of them.  They’ll be together constantly.  Father and son, Russian, the elder with a triangular scar on his right cheek.   It’s got to be quiet, with no other casualties.  I’ll be back in two hours, tops.  Money’s already been deposited in your account.

ASH
Tally ho, your Liege.

INT. TIMMY NOLAN’S PUB & TAVERN – LATER

An IRISH BAND plays, while PATRONS jig in front of them in a wild frenzy.

Ash and Micah sit in a booth in the rear of the pub.  Ash drinks a dark beer from a pint, while Micah sips a soda.

MICAH
Why do they call you Ash?

ASH
Why do they call you Micah?

She laughs.

MICAH
Cause that’s my name, Silly.

ASH
And it’s my name too…not Micah, mind you, but Ash.

MICAH
That’s a funny name.

Ash’s gaze shifts suddenly away from Micah, up to the rafters of the ceiling, then back to Micah.  He furrows his brows, puts his hands under his chin.

ASH
Is it funnier than Sinbad?  Or Ahab?

MICAH
(Laughing)
No, no, I guess not.

ASH
Well, good then.  We’re in agreement on something.

His gaze shifts back to the rafters.  He points his finger up, waves it back and forth.

ASH (CONT.)
Leave us be, damned birds!

Micah’s gaze follows his finger.

MICAH
What is it?  What’s up there?  The seagulls?

ASH
No, the seagulls stay outdoors.  It’s the damned eagles and owls.  Always have to be on the lookout for those bastards…they’ll swoop down in a moment’s notice, silently stab you in the neck…then you’re done, before you even know it.

He pulls close to Micah, looks around in all directions.

ASH (CONT.)
Most can’t see ‘em, but mark me, they’re there alright.  They’re always there.

MICAH
You’ve got a funny way about you, but I like you.  Will you protect me from them?

Ash raises his pint.

ASH
Always…and forever.

They toast.

LATER

Ash stands, swings his arms out wildly, eyes blinking madly.

Micah’s eyes widen.

MICAH
Are…you ...alright?

Ash focuses, cocks his head, looks to the ceiling again.

ASH
I’m sorry, my Princess.  They’re near.  All around us now.  You’re safe with me…that I promise.

Micah stares straight ahead.

Ash breaks out in an Irish jig. Claps his hands in rhythm to the song.

Micah laughs, claps along.

ASH
You stay here…I’ll be right back.

He walks away, still in dance-mode, past…

THE BAR

…where MIROSLAV, 60’s, a small triangular scar on his cheek, and YURIY, 30’s, sit.

MIROSLAV
(in Russian, subtitled)
God’s speed, my son.  We go now.

They both stand, adjust themselves.

INT.  TIMMY NOLAN’S PUB & TAVERN - MEN’S RESTROOM - STALL - MOMENTS LATER

Ash pulls a capped vile from his left pocket, places it carefully on the commode.  From his right pocket, he takes out a small silver box, opens it up, revealing two gold rings, each with a wicked barb extending out.

He looks up, blinks, grimaces, shakes his head from side to side.

ASH
Be with me, Lord…be with me now.  I sin again, but you know me...you know who I am.  Send the eagles and owls in all their fury.

He carefully places a ring on each thumb, barb facing in, towards his palms.  From the vile, he extends a swab, wet with a sticky glowing liquid, and covers each barb.

INT. TIMMY NOLAN’S PUB & TAVERN – MOMENTS LATER

Ash walks toward the booth, a strange glee in his step, and a wild look in his eyes.

Miroslav and Yuriy sit beside a scared and tearful Micah, smiles on their faces.

MIROSLAV
(in Russian, subtitled)
The great Ash, I presume?  You’re getting slow…careless, friend.

Ash’s eyes scan the situation, jump up to the rafters overhead, then down, into Micah’s eyes.

ASH
(in Russian, subtitled)
I may indeed be getting slower, but trust me, friend, my fury comes quickly…you have no idea.

MIROSLAV
(in Russian, subtitled)
My son, here, Sambo champion, back in Mother Land. He may not look it, but he snap her neck before you unleash any fury.

MICAH
Ash?  What’s happening?

ASH
Be still….trust me.

Ash cocks his head from side to side, blinks in rapid succession, looks up to the rafters.

Ash’s POV:

A horde of EAGLES and OWLS line the rafters above, all gazing down.

BACK TO SCENE:

ASH
(in Russian, subtitled)
She has nothing to do with this, let her walk away.  We settle this like men.

Yuriy drapes his arm around Micah, pulls her close.

MIROSLAV
(in Russian, subtitled)
I have daughter, her age.  I’m old man, now.  Too much blood has been spilled for too long.  Meddleton’s already dead.  His body sinks to the bottom of La Brea tar pits as we speak.  I pay you twice what he give you already.  You have my word as gentleman.  We all walk away…or…we end it here, and no one walk away.

Ash looks down at the deadly rings, adorning his thumbs, then back up to the rafters.

Ash’s POV:

The eagles and owls all madly flap their wings in unison, beaks opening and closing, eyes fixed in a wicked stare.

Then, they transform, one by one, into DOVES.  They take flight, and drop from the rafters downward.

BACK TO SCENE:

Ash spins wildly, bats his arms around him in defense.

Yuriy tightens his grip on Micah.  Miroslav pulls a silver revolver from his waisteband.

Micah SCREAMS, but it’s drowned out by the music.

Ash suddenly calms, raises his hands out in front of him, in a calming way.

ASH
(in Russian, subtitled)
No!  No more bloodshed.

Micah watches wide eyed, tears streaming down her cheeks.

MIROSLAV
(in Russian, subtitled)
I have people in Geneva who can help you…with your disease.  I give safe passage to you…

He looks over at Micah.

MIROSLAV
(in Russian, subtitled)
…and her.

EXT. TIMMY NOLAN’S PUB & TAVERN – NIGHT

Ash and Micah walk hand in hand.

MICAH
Was it the eagles and owls?

They stop.  Ash looks down, into her swollen eyes.

ASH
No, Flower, it was the doves.  It was the doves this time.

FADE OUT:

It's A for me!

A for me, too. Reason being that it's well focused and a more coherent story and concept; the execution needs a tightening but it was still pretty far clear of B, IMHO.

I don't know, maybe it's just me but seems like someone worked on the execution of those to make it impossible to understand who the authors are:)

I still know! Not going to start guessing now, only with Michael's permission.

You can start guessing 12 hrs after I posted them.

I enjoyed A's story but B gave me the feel of a schizo hit man who redeems himself.
I loved the doves from above.

G

I am having a bit of a problem. A seems very well written, and is a pretty cool story. But I am not seeing a schizo hitman. I am seeing a hitman who has been injected with a fatal drug and is having a near death experience, one that is influenced by the drug. I didn't see any evidence of being schizo before the injection.

Am I missing something? Another reader please chime in. I am not sure if A qualified. This was a complicated log, but the schizo part was essential to it, and also what makes this one tough to write.

B is very well written, a good story, and an ambitious one. A flows a little smoother, partly because it was a far simpler story, but mainly because it does not deal with the difficult part of this log, schizophrenia.

I will wait to see more responses, hopefully some explanation, before I vote.

Kevin,

You need to make up your own mind.  

I have no idea who wrote what, no money on the winner! I'm just trying to make sure I am understanding. I do see some evidence now, what you mentioned, and the one I listed. I still think anyone would be hard pressed to get schizo out of what is there if you're not already looking for it. B really wrestled with the schizo.

Would a schizo on meds go into a bar to drink? The one in B is not on meds, so I have no problem seeing in a bar.

I'm not trying to nitpick. They're both really good tales.

Absolutely Michael, I was not looking for help on the vote. I just thought this would be the place to discuss the story. The other Showdowns were easier for me, this one is close. I think when I finished the stories, I was leaning A. But then I remembered a schizo hit man was required, and wasn't sure if I found that in A.

That was why I posted. Khamana's response was very helpful. So I went and reread both. I think B had a much tougher challenge because the schizo element was really central. So I shifted toward B.

So I was kind of schizo on my voting!

I don't think Jeff wrote either of these; no blood, no sex, no penis jokes!

Both stories were cool though!

You're right, Kev. Mine came out too long, so it got axed.  Cornie put in an alternate at the last minute.  I've been sick with a stomach virus and I literally couldn't cut mine to fit in time.

Sorry...hopefully, next time, I'll jump back in.  My apologies to everyone...

So who's in? And you guys must all be hanging in the same bar; everyone's getting sick!

Okey dokey smokey! It's been a pleasure reading both of these. I've been saying that a lot lately-- because it's true.

The writing that's on display here is truly wonderful to behold.

Now I've gotta choose one...

The amazing thing about A's craft is that the hitman isn't overtly shown as having a mental illness until the end. When he finally puts his head down on the table at the end, might we assume that he's not really dead?

If this is the case, then you have truly done a remarkable job here!

B is loaded with stunning visuals that Michah winds up seeing in the end also. And it turns out that Ash doesn't do the saving, but it's a wonderful act of G-d. I loved that scene.

In my opinion B had a few problems.

The beginning Over Black with words wasn’t strong in my opinion. Visuals with Voice Over would have been better.

What is “somewhat off”? I asked myself. It's very subjective. Needs to be nailed better.

High points on the depiction of mental illness being shown in a positive light.

Just after Miroslav, the Russian is introduced, you don’t need to go into a full Slug. All you need is a sub header.

Also, I think you had Ash subtitled with Russian at one point.

I'm kindUV thinking to go with A because it was a faster read. The dialogue was really good. I felt it was highly crafted and it felt like something that I would be proud to recommend.

B's visuals combined with the good side of the hitman portrayed together with the girl allows a lot of room for the actor. And placing the girl in the position of danger gave a high tension factor.

In the end, I'm going to have to go with...

Wait. Going to have a sip of wine first.

Hey Don: It's Merlot.  :)

And I'm getting over the flu thank G-d.

Okeys, I'm going to go with...

This is very difficult but it's a hard choice to say a, but I have to anyway.

Congratulations to both partakers in this insanity! No losers, but only good sports!

Sandra

Wow, congrats to both the writers of these. Hard to choose, love both of them. A. is terrific, really well written. Just for sheer originality and images though, am going to give my vote to B.

B has got the sizzle.
A has got the steak.

But neither have bourbon.
Which goes great with steak.

E.D.

A seems very original to me and makes me think!
I'm in two minds about B.
I liked the hitman and like Sandra says it's cool that he's a positive character and friends with the girl but I don't understand all of the story.
I'm wondering if the girl has special powers; what her conversation with Ash means - as it seems like she understands that he sees stuff (sees the birds herself?); and why her Dad leaves her with Ash (seems like Ash needs her to be there).

Lol.  I understand it's a really strange coincidence all of us were sick and laid up at pretty much the same time, but I can't believe that we all watched the same documentary the other night about Pope Alexander the VI and how him and his family and daughter (Lucrezia)'s favorite way of killing people was by jabbing them with a spiked ring full of cyanide.  (Really?  In both stories.)  That's kind of awesome, really.

I chose A in this one, because B has a typo.  (Call her Nicah in one of the dialogue slugs).

Okay, that's not really my reason for choosing it.  My main reason for not choosing B was because I really don't understand Arthur's need for needing Ash to babysit his daughter.  I understand it was a tough logline, but that situation should've made a little more sense.

B did do a better job at portraying schizophrenia as a mysterious illness (probably more mysterious then we'll all ever know, hopefully not), but I think A still did do an acceptable job of showing that there wasn't something quite right with Walt.

I also think A was a less obtrusive read.  I found myself having to go back a couple times while reading B.  A read more clear and the story got itself across a little bit better.  While there's nothing wrong with trying to be complex in B, for this constraint (5 pages), the ending came off as a little too ambiguous for me.  But I think B could definately be something great in a bigger context, (maybe in somebody like David Lynch's or another surrealist's hands.)

Getting close to the time to name names...Any last minute votes or guesses?

What happened to Ray?

I guess that no one wants to guess, so I'll just tell you who wrote what.    One of the scripts was written by Ryan and the other was written by Jeff.   There you go...

Quoted from mcornetto I guess that no one wants to guess, so I'll just tell you who wrote what.    One of the scripts was written by Ryan and the other was written by Jeff.   There you go...

I have a hard time believing that either of these guys would have had the errors of B. Not that they were big or bad or anything. Just that I can't see them happening unless they were just worn out.

Sandra

Sandra,  They were written in a couple of days.  If you aren't used to doing that then you're going to make errors.

Ok. Here's the real announcement.  

A - Ryan
B - Jeff

Ryan is still the undefeated champion.  Jeff put up a good fight but didn't quite pull the votes needed to win.  

Who's up next against our unbeatable penslinger?  

You're up Michael. Just have Sandra pick a log. That's a good match if you have time.

I read these yesterday but couldn't decide on one and forgot to vote until now.  Neither one of these really stuck out much to me to be honest.  I thought A was routine and thought B was bland but I was leaning toward A, so my vote wouldn't have changed much.  

Congrats to the undefeated Champ, Ryan!  Fun challenge.  Thanks to Cornie for keeping this going.

Sandra, the only error in my script was a typo that Mark correctly pointed out.

Ash spoke fluent Russian...how do you think he could communicate with someone speaking only in Russian?  When he spoke to Micah, he spoke in English.

The full Slug was necessary as time had passed...it wasn't a matter of him walking into a different area, as he did when I intro'd the 2 Russians.

As I always say, people need to read scripts exactly as they are written.  If there are mistakes, then so be it, but if not, you need to understand that what's written, is what's supposed to be.

My only question is where in the world did Tommy P come from, why did he show up and vote, not leave any feedback, and then disappear again?  Very, VERY strange...

I'd also like to thank my friend, Khamanna for dong all she could to diss my script and steer peeps away from it.

Meh, got too late to the party to vote. Probably would have leaned towards Ryan's anyways. It was a simpler story, that had a good effect.

Neither of you seemed to mention the advertising agent or adoption from what i can remember.

I wanted to see you guys try to force all of that info into the script. would've been clunky as hell.

Jeff, didn't really feel Ash's change of heart. From seeing Eagles to seeing doves? It just kind of happened. Good visuals, but that was the overall let down for me. Wanted a more substantial reason as to why.

Anyways, good writing on both parts. It was a close one.

James

Tough challenge with a brutal logline.  Jeff is a worthy adversary.  Could not think of a single thing to write until Friday afternoon.  I wasn't all that pleased with the story, but there you go.

Anyway, I am hereby bequeathing my title to whoever wins the next showdown.  I'm out, at least for awhile.  Have to concentrate on finishing a feature.

So we need two new freaks to jump in the pit.

So then a nice round of applause for Ryan.  Certainly difficult to come up with that many stories in quick succession and he did a great job too.  


But it looks like we need two new contestants.  Who is up for it?  PM me.

James, I did include a line to let you know Arthur was not Micah's actual father...he says,

"Your Mom’s gone, Kid.  You’re with me now…remember?  Quit bitching…I’m tired of it."

Ash's "change of heart" was because for the first time, he saw doves (a sign of peace) instead of the eagles and owls.  But also, he was in a no win situation, and death was eminent.  His boss, Arthur, was already dead, so no repercussions, he'd already been paid by Arthur, and Miroslav offered him double what he already go, as well as safe passage to Geneva, where there were people who could help him with his disease.  He was also tired of the killing and he was kinda taken with Micah.

Ok. We have one of our next contestants, Jwent.  Looking for a challenger.  PM me.  Won't happen until next Wednesday.

Quoted from mcornetto Sandra,  They were written in a couple of days.  If you aren't used to doing that then you're going to make errors. Ok. Here's the real announcement.   A - Ryan B - Jeff Ryan is still the undefeated champion.  Jeff put up a good fight but didn't quite pull the votes needed to win.   Who's up next against our unbeatable penslinger?

Yes Michael, I know. Which is why I stated,

They must have been just worn out.

Jeff is not one to submit work with errors. He's too high caliber at his worst. He's a perfectionist.

Sandra

See my post above, Sandra, my dearest...

You're right, I am a perfectionist, and it's upsetting to me when I make a mistake, but it's also upsetting when I'm called out for mistakes that I didn't make.

I was not worn out at all, but I do have a frickin' irritating stomach virus, but in no way will I blame that for this script.

Quoted from Dreamscale Sandra, the only error in my script was a typo that Mark correctly pointed out. .

I disagree, Jeff. Give me enough time and I can find a lot of errors.

Let's look at the beginning and now I might be making errors, but still...

OVER BLACK:

SUPER:  If your circle stays unbroken, then you’re a lucky man, cause it never, never, never has for me.

*Like I said, why do this in plain letters. It's too long.

There has to be a stronger way than this.

With:

> Traffic sits at a standstill

Could be

*Traffic crawls

Save some words. Buy a line type thing. Faster read.

>ARTHUR MIDDLETON, 50’s, well dressed, stern features, stands with his daughter, MICAH, 12, cute, innocent eyes, just outside the entrance.

The ever loving “stands”. Would be better to say “waits”--

Otherwise, why are they going to be going "duh" while people enter
briskly. I think we all need to find other words for "stands" and "sits".

...Except when necessary.

Question: When is it necessary?

Here:

How do we know this is his daughter?

The line:

ARTHUR
Your Mom’s gone, Kid.  You’re with me now…remember?  Quit bitching…I’m tired of it.

Doesn’t sound like that of a father-- except a really bad father, which many might not get.

So I think you need her to call him Dad.

Or at least perhaps, we might need a small character intro to see the bastard that he is, talking to his twelve year old daughter like that. Otherwise, with him--

Outside the bar like that--

We might, at least I might, think that she's a young prostitute working for him.

I know... But I'm inclined to think that way.

You are letting your ego get the best of you when you say, "That's the only error I made".

Don't worry if you make a thousand errors. I get your script and it is damn good; so don't worry.
It's a thousand miles away from what I could do in a couple of days.

Sandra

Quoted from JC Cleveland My only question is where in the world did Tommy P come from, why did he show up and vote, not leave any feedback, and then disappear again?

I'm not speaking for Tommy, but I know I voted on I think the 2nd or 3rd challenge and didn't leave any feedback because I was having trouble with my modem.  I'd keep timing out for some reason.

That's also why during the last challenge, I voted at night and I wrote a reply right after i voted, but when I hit to post it, I lost connection.  (I had time the next morning though to leave a quickie reply that time.)

Now with my modem, I've learned to COPY everything I type before I post it, so if I do time out I can just Paste it to Word and save it for whenever I can get back on and post again.

Jeff, this one's to you.

Have you used the character name 'Micah' before (in an OWC?) cause I had a feeling on first read, your script was B.

To be perfectly honest had I known you were the 'writer' I prob. wouldn't have voted for yours, just purely for the fact you can be a bit of a condescending prick and 'know all' which is why you quite often rub people the wrong way... and you're proud of it.

Confession. I was actually a bit disappointed this a.m. (despite my suspicions) to discover you were the 'writer' of B. It was a real toss-up for me between your script and Ryan's. Both scripts (for the time constraints) were terrific. In the end I voted for yours cause I felt it really had that 'x factor' - delib. pun - 'SC of SS'.

Now, I'm still kind of stunned to discover you were the 'writer' of B.  Because, (minor errors aside) this is def. a cut above your usual imho. and I really didn't know you were capable of the visuals, and departure from your usual dross.

Sounds like a bit of a back-handed compliment. But really... well done. I'm proud of you :)

Keep writing honestly... and you may well find success.

Sandra, my ego is what it is, but that has nothing to do with what I said here.  Everyone has their own opinions on things and that's what makes this world go round.  I may not agree with people on numerous things, but if someone truly thinks that way, that's completely fine and cool.

The things you're now bringing up are merely semantics, not mistakes...and again, they're your opinion.  This Showdown thing isn't even submitted in screenwriting form, so it's impossible to say that a word here, or a word there makes any difference in line and space usage.

Why is my SUPER "too long"?  That phrase would easily fit on a single line, on a screen.  Would it be better as a VO from Ash?  Maybe, but it doesn't matter, cause you don't know who Ash is at that point, it's a frickin' short, for God's sake, and if you hear it, vs seeing it, you may miss what it's even saying. And, unless you Google it, chances are very good that you have no clue what it means, or where it's from...but then again, there are those who will know immediately what it is and where it's from, and who it's throwing out a big old High Five to.

The way Arthur treats his "daughter" actually is saying quite a bit, and it makes the end all the more believable.  Using "daughter" in an action/description line is one of the few unfilmables that I believe in...it doesn't take up any extra space, and it gives a reader a cue, and we all hopefully know that a written version, compared to a filmed version, needs a little here and there. If you can throw a few in that don't detract or take you out of the read, why the Hell not?

Mark, listen, man, you've been around for these Showdowns...Tommy P hasn't, nor has he reared his ugly mug  ;D ;D in quite some time in here.  It's just very, very odd.  Just saying.

It's cool.  Ryan write another good, solid script.  He's a great writer, as he knows, and as he knows that I know, cause I've told him numerous times.

Quoted from LC Jeff, this one's to you. Have you used the character name 'Micah' before (in an OWC?) cause I had a feeling on first read, your script was B. To be perfectly honest had I known you were the 'writer' I prob. wouldn't have voted for yours, just purely for the fact you can be a bit of a condescending prick and 'know all' which is why you quite often rub people the wrong way... and you're proud of it. Confession. I was actually a bit disappointed this a.m. (despite my suspicions) to discover you were the 'writer' of B. It was a real toss-up for me between your script and Ryan's. Both scripts (for the time constraints) were terrific. In the end I voted for yours cause I felt it really had that 'x factor' - delib. pun - 'SC of SS'. Now, I'm still kind of stunned to discover you were the 'writer' of B.  Because, (minor errors aside) this is def. a cut above your usual imho. and I really didn't know you were capable of the visuals, and departure from your usual dross. Sounds like a bit of a back-handed compliment. But really... well done. I'm proud of you :) Keep writing honestly... and you may well find success.

Me too. Jeff's script is complete. Stupid nitpicks  aside--

It's solid.

But ya gotta give criticism, right? That's the point.

Roses to  you, Jeff,

Sandra

LC, no, I haven't used the name Micah before, as far as I know...more to follow in a few minutes...I need a smoke...badly!

Quoted from Dreamscale LC, no, I haven't used the name Micah before, as far as I know...more to follow in a few minutes...I need a smoke...badly!

;D

You don't smoke. Cut that out!

Sandra

Oh yes I do...

Quoted from Dreamscale Oh yes I do...

Quit it, now!  ;)

Sandra

Quoted from Dreamscale LC, no, I haven't used the name Micah before, as far as I know...more to follow in a few minutes...I need a smoke...badly!

Re 'Micah'. Ok, cool.

Just in case you think I'm not responding to you responding further to my thoughts, gotta fly out the door... is Sunday in Oz, and I've got a date.

I wanted to post my honest thoughts re your script before this thread disappeared and the new challenge began.

Be back on later, or will PM if you had something further to add.

Was really just saying you surprised me and, 'you did good'.

I'm still needing a second for the next challenge.

Libby, I had to let this sit for a few moments, but I obviously need to reply to you, cause your words are very hurtful, and I’m very upset over what you said and how you chose to say it.

So, here goes…

No, I haven’t used  the character name 'Micah' before, as far as I know.

“To be perfectly honest had I known you were the 'writer' I prob. wouldn't have voted for yours, just purely for the fact you can be a bit of a condescending prick and 'know all' which is why you quite often rub people the wrong way... and you're proud of it.”

WOW, this hurts…it really does.  And, I’m taken aback here, cause I honestly don’t understand or get this.  I’m a condescending prick and “know all” (or actually, I think you mean “know it all”).  Is that because I honestly tell people what’s wrong (and right) with their writing?  As opposed to sugar coating  BS like most do?  Hmmm, I don’t get it.  A “know it all” obviously has a negative connotation associated with it, cause usually, it comes into play with peeps who constantly correct people in conversation during a regular old discussion, and most of the time, these “know it alls” are wrong as often as they’re right, but they love to think they really do know it all.  In a forum such as this, people post their writing in hopes of getting constructive feedback that will help them both with the actual posted script, as well as their writing in general.   It always amazes me when the vast majority of people write how much they loved this and that script and what a great job the writer did, when in reality, it’s not good, bad, or downright terrible.  This does no good, and it’s not what young, inexperienced, or just downright bad writers need to hear.  I go out of my way to bring up things that no one else seems to see that are downright incorrect, or need attention.  If that makes me a condescending prick, than you’re right, I am proud of it.  I always mean to help and the things I bring up do and will help.  And, I’m happy (and actually proud) to say that I have helped countless writers write better. If you wanna get down to brass fucking tacks, there’s a bunch in here who will be happy to admit that.

“Confession. I was actually a bit disappointed this a.m. (despite my suspicions) to discover you were the 'writer' of B. It was a real toss-up for me between your script and Ryan's. Both scripts (for the time constraints) were terrific. In the end I voted for yours cause I felt it really had that 'x factor' - delib. pun - 'SC of SS'.”

Again, this really hurts, and is downright offensive…and how by the way, did you learn this, this AM, or are you referring to your AM?  People always seem to love rooting for the underdog (not that it come into play here, cause Ryan is no underdog, no matter who he’s up against).  You were obviously not alone in this feeling or belief, but again, it’s pure BS, and it sucks that you or anyone else would think this way.

“Now, I'm still kind of stunned to discover you were the 'writer' of B.  Because, (minor errors aside) this is def. a cut above your usual imho. and I really didn't know you were capable of the visuals, and departure from your usual dross.”

HaHa…that’s funny, but again very hurtful.  Please, bring up these minor errors.  Usual “dross”?  Wow, again, very hurtful words, meant to hurt, obviously.  I always, ALWAYS strive for extremely visual writing, and I’m amazed you would say this.  What exactly are you basing this on?  And I’m seriously asking, cause it’s upsetting to hear that someone would say my writing isn’t visual.

“Sounds like a bit of a back-handed compliment. But really... well done. I'm proud of you  ”

Sounds like?   More than sounds like.  I wish I could say “Thanks, Libby, that’s great to hear…I appreciate it.”  I can’t and won’t take any of this as a compliment, and I’ll apologize up front.  I don’t need or want any compliments like this, thank you.

“Keep writing honestly... and you may well find success.” – I will keep writing, and maybe someday, I will find success.  I sure hope so.  You never know, huh?

Libby, I’m really bummed at your words, your tone, and that fact that you’d even want to write this.  I’m not sure what I’ve done to you or what script of yours I’ve shot down.  I’m not going to apologize for anything I’ve said, cause it’s always meant o help each and every writer, and if that’s a bad thing, then damn me, I guess I’m a bad person.

Quoted from mcornetto I'm still needing a second for the next challenge.

I heard a rumor that Bert was going to participate. Ah, but rumors they do fly, and who to believe?

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I heard a rumor that Bert was going to participate. Ah, but rumors they do fly, and who to believe? Sandra

That's certainly quite a rumor.  Nope, haven't heard from him.

Quoted from mcornetto That's certainly quite a rumor.  Nope, haven't heard from him.

Maybe only in my "room".  ;)

Sandra

Bert's in your room? Hope he doesn't have a teddy bear!

Quoted from leitskev Bert's in your room? Hope he doesn't have a teddy bear!

No, he's much more sophisticated. He has a "Doctor's of all Science and Hell Kit"-- but to be honest, a Teddy Bear came with it, gratis-- with a purchase of $5 gazillion dollars or more.  :)

Sandra

Well done, both Ryan and Jeff. 7-5 shows it was very close.

Best of luck to the next pair.

Quoted from Dreamscale Libby, I had to let this sit for a few moments, but I obviously need to reply to you, cause your words are very hurtful, and I’m very upset over what you said and how you chose to say it. So, here goes… No, I haven’t used  the character name 'Micah' before, as far as I know. “To be perfectly honest had I known you were the 'writer' I prob. wouldn't have voted for yours, just purely for the fact you can be a bit of a condescending prick and 'know all' which is why you quite often rub people the wrong way... and you're proud of it.” WOW, this hurts…it really does.  And, I’m taken aback here, cause I honestly don’t understand or get this.  I’m a condescending prick and “know all” (or actually, I think you mean “know it all”).  Is that because I honestly tell people what’s wrong (and right) with their writing?  As opposed to sugar coating  BS like most do?  Hmmm, I don’t get it.  A “know it all” obviously has a negative connotation associated with it, cause usually, it comes into play with peeps who constantly correct people in conversation during a regular old discussion, and most of the time, these “know it alls” are wrong as often as they’re right, but they love to think they really do know it all.  In a forum such as this, people post their writing in hopes of getting constructive feedback that will help them both with the actual posted script, as well as their writing in general.   It always amazes me when the vast majority of people write how much they loved this and that script and what a great job the writer did, when in reality, it’s not good, bad, or downright terrible.  This does no good, and it’s not what young, inexperienced, or just downright bad writers need to hear.  I go out of my way to bring up things that no one else seems to see that are downright incorrect, or need attention.  If that makes me a condescending prick, than you’re right, I am proud of it.  I always mean to help and the things I bring up do and will help.  And, I’m happy (and actually proud) to say that I have helped countless writers write better. If you wanna get down to brass fucking tacks, there’s a bunch in here who will be happy to admit that. “Confession. I was actually a bit disappointed this a.m. (despite my suspicions) to discover you were the 'writer' of B. It was a real toss-up for me between your script and Ryan's. Both scripts (for the time constraints) were terrific. In the end I voted for yours cause I felt it really had that 'x factor' - delib. pun - 'SC of SS'.” Again, this really hurts, and is downright offensive…and how by the way, did you learn this, this AM, or are you referring to your AM?  People always seem to love rooting for the underdog (not that it come into play here, cause Ryan is no underdog, no matter who he’s up against).  You were obviously not alone in this feeling or belief, but again, it’s pure BS, and it sucks that you or anyone else would think this way. “Now, I'm still kind of stunned to discover you were the 'writer' of B.  Because, (minor errors aside) this is def. a cut above your usual imho. and I really didn't know you were capable of the visuals, and departure from your usual dross.” HaHa…that’s funny, but again very hurtful.  Please, bring up these minor errors.  Usual “dross”?  Wow, again, very hurtful words, meant to hurt, obviously.  I always, ALWAYS strive for extremely visual writing, and I’m amazed you would say this.  What exactly are you basing this on?  And I’m seriously asking, cause it’s upsetting to hear that someone would say my writing isn’t visual. “Sounds like a bit of a back-handed compliment. But really... well done. I'm proud of you  ” Sounds like?   More than sounds like.  I wish I could say “Thanks, Libby, that’s great to hear…I appreciate it.”  I can’t and won’t take any of this as a compliment, and I’ll apologize up front.  I don’t need or want any compliments like this, thank you. “Keep writing honestly... and you may well find success.” – I will keep writing, and maybe someday, I will find success.  I sure hope so.  You never know, huh? Libby, I’m really bummed at your words, your tone, and that fact that you’d even want to write this.  I’m not sure what I’ve done to you or what script of yours I’ve shot down.  I’m not going to apologize for anything I’ve said, cause it’s always meant o help each and every writer, and if that’s a bad thing, then damn me, I guess I’m a bad person.

Truthfully, I couldn't be bothered to read all the words above.

Jeff. seriously,

You are NOT a prick and neither are you an asshole.

You are one helluva intelligent guy above average and you don't dare suck up
to people, but only want to tell the truth.

I'll do a "pretend swear". F&%@!*/////////////////f.... to anyone criticizing
Jeff out of place.

We, (you know who WE are) have every right to criticize Jeff because we're in
the thick of it with him, but...

One needs to join the party to know what it's about.

WE KNOW...

Jeff knows what it's about!!!

Let it go already. Do your sh///t and if you don't want to hear the truth--

Then change the channel and rest your souls.

Luv you Jeff-- Sincerely,

Sandra

Quoted from Dreamscale I'd also like to thank my friend, Khamanna for dong all she could to diss my script and steer peeps away from it.

I defended (!) A at first, but that's all I did. I posted my comments only when heard that you were out.
I'm sorry you think this way actually. I "dissed" my own script when it was up against Gary's and Ryans and when Ray and I was up I voted for Ray's because found his commercials entertaining and better than mine. It's all good fun for me, I'm not here to diss and steer people away from anything.
I voted the minute I read the scirpt without thinking which belongs to who and only then thought about it (and came up with nothing although I did say "I still know"!)
Again, I wouldn't even post my thoughts (which I did much later in the game) if I knew you were in. And the questions that I posted for the writer (turned out to be you) are actually not condescending or derogatory to the script.

Well we could make this all about

A - Jeff

or

B - Finding the next challenger.

I vote B.

Quoted from Dreamscale Libby, I had to let this sit for a few moments, but I obviously need to reply to you, cause your words are very hurtful, and I’m very upset over what you said and how you chose to say it. So, here goes… No, I haven’t used  the character name 'Micah' before, as far as I know. “To be perfectly honest had I known you were the 'writer' I prob. wouldn't have voted for yours, just purely for the fact you can be a bit of a condescending prick and 'know all' which is why you quite often rub people the wrong way... and you're proud of it.” WOW, this hurts…it really does.  And, I’m taken aback here, cause I honestly don’t understand or get this.  I’m a condescending prick and “know all” (or actually, I think you mean “know it all”).  Is that because I honestly tell people what’s wrong (and right) with their writing?  As opposed to sugar coating  BS like most do?  Hmmm, I don’t get it.  A “know it all” obviously has a negative connotation associated with it, cause usually, it comes into play with peeps who constantly correct people in conversation during a regular old discussion, and most of the time, these “know it alls” are wrong as often as they’re right, but they love to think they really do know it all.  In a forum such as this, people post their writing in hopes of getting constructive feedback that will help them both with the actual posted script, as well as their writing in general.   It always amazes me when the vast majority of people write how much they loved this and that script and what a great job the writer did, when in reality, it’s not good, bad, or downright terrible.  This does no good, and it’s not what young, inexperienced, or just downright bad writers need to hear.  I go out of my way to bring up things that no one else seems to see that are downright incorrect, or need attention.  If that makes me a condescending prick, than you’re right, I am proud of it.  I always mean to help and the things I bring up do and will help.  And, I’m happy (and actually proud) to say that I have helped countless writers write better. If you wanna get down to brass fucking tacks, there’s a bunch in here who will be happy to admit that. “Confession. I was actually a bit disappointed this a.m. (despite my suspicions) to discover you were the 'writer' of B. It was a real toss-up for me between your script and Ryan's. Both scripts (for the time constraints) were terrific. In the end I voted for yours cause I felt it really had that 'x factor' - delib. pun - 'SC of SS'.” Again, this really hurts, and is downright offensive…and how by the way, did you learn this, this AM, or are you referring to your AM?  People always seem to love rooting for the underdog (not that it come into play here, cause Ryan is no underdog, no matter who he’s up against).  You were obviously not alone in this feeling or belief, but again, it’s pure BS, and it sucks that you or anyone else would think this way. “Now, I'm still kind of stunned to discover you were the 'writer' of B.  Because, (minor errors aside) this is def. a cut above your usual imho. and I really didn't know you were capable of the visuals, and departure from your usual dross.” HaHa…that’s funny, but again very hurtful.  Please, bring up these minor errors.  Usual “dross”?  Wow, again, very hurtful words, meant to hurt, obviously.  I always, ALWAYS strive for extremely visual writing, and I’m amazed you would say this.  What exactly are you basing this on?  And I’m seriously asking, cause it’s upsetting to hear that someone would say my writing isn’t visual. “Sounds like a bit of a back-handed compliment. But really... well done. I'm proud of you  ” Sounds like?   More than sounds like.  I wish I could say “Thanks, Libby, that’s great to hear…I appreciate it.”  I can’t and won’t take any of this as a compliment, and I’ll apologize up front.  I don’t need or want any compliments like this, thank you. “Keep writing honestly... and you may well find success.” – I will keep writing, and maybe someday, I will find success.  I sure hope so.  You never know, huh? Libby, I’m really bummed at your words, your tone, and that fact that you’d even want to write this.  I’m not sure what I’ve done to you or what script of yours I’ve shot down.  I’m not going to apologize for anything I’ve said, cause it’s always meant o help each and every writer, and if that’s a bad thing, then damn me, I guess I’m a bad person.

Jeff, you're hurt by my comments? I'm actually really surprised by your reaction. You know what your reputation is. You coulda just laughed this off... and taken my compliment.

Twas not my intention to hurt you.

I was just being blatantly honest, as you'll admit you pride yourself in being.

I was pleasantly surprised this was your script. I liked it a lot. Enough to vote for it.

Not going to continue with a to and fro debate on the boards.

Will PM you instead if you really need clarification, but I don't think you do. Look forward to reading more of yours of this calibre. Over n out.

Oh, Khamanna, where should I begin here?  Hmmm, let’s see…

You opened up with a glee vote for A, with no feedback either way.

Then, you posted this intellectual little nugget…

“I don't know, maybe it's just me but seems like someone worked on the execution of those to make it impossible to understand who the authors are

I still know! Not going to start guessing now, only with Michael's permission.”

This was all before anyone other than you and AA had read and voted.  Does this not seem a little odd to you?

When you heard that I was out, was because at that point, I felt like I needed to do something to try and deflect what was already going on, and it looks like it worked to a certain extent.  You “knew”, but then you didn’t.  Interesting…

I’m glad to hear that you dissed your own script, and you were completely correct in doing so. I’ll add a point back into your column…you’re now up to about negative 13 or so.

Several of your comments were deleted by Michael, because you were definitely attempting to steer people away from 1 script and to the other.  The script you were attempting to steer people away from was the one that you “knew” was mine.  Are you seriously now saying you weren’t doing this?  Really?

Your questions that you decided to post later, because, at that time, you thought it must be someone else, showed that you had absolutely no clue what was even written on that script, even though it was staring you in the ass.

It always makes me laugh when I read your comments on scripts, cause they’re always 1 of 2 things…

You either wildly praise the vast majority of every script you read, and miss every single problem that’s once again, staring you in the ass…

Or…

You say unfounded negative things when you know it’s from a writer that you have issues with.

There are so many examples of this within the site.  It’s downright pathetic and humorous at the same time.

Every now and then, you get fooled by a writer and you throw out praise to those you don’t like, and once you find out who that writer was, you clam up like the little bitch you are.

It’s sad when people act this way. It really is.  So petty, so juvenile, so downright weak.

When a spade gets turned up, I think you need to call out that spade.  I’m calling it and you out.

WEAK!!!!!

Quoted from mcornetto Well we could make this all about A - Jeff or B - Finding the next challenger. I vote B.

Or, A plus B

Jeff against the next challenger...

...with...

The a new challenger named and thrown into

The Proverbial Hat and do you know how hard it is typing this
right now? My Merlin Cat is determined to lie upon my right arm and purrr....

...and he knows what a weakness I have for a purry kitty cat that follows you around all
day long asking for the 640,000 DOLLAR MASSAGE. And that's what I give: $640,000 massages. ... Merlin meows...

He lies at the foot of my bed. How can I resist?

He knows me through and through.Well,  I'm trained by my kitty cat. Yeah, Dad's right.
I'm the one who gives Kitty treats before I even get myself my coffee. What can I say?

Sandra

Quoted from Dreamscale Oh, Khamanna, where should I begin here?  Hmmm, let’s see… You opened up with a glee vote for A, with no feedback either way. Then, you posted this intellectual little nugget… “I don't know, maybe it's just me but seems like someone worked on the execution of those to make it impossible to understand who the authors are I still know! Not going to start guessing now, only with Michael's permission.” This was all before anyone other than you and AA had read and voted.  Does this not seem a little odd to you? When you heard that I was out, was because at that point, I felt like I needed to do something to try and deflect what was already going on, and it looks like it worked to a certain extent.  You “knew”, but then you didn’t.  Interesting… I’m glad to hear that you dissed your own script, and you were completely correct in doing so. I’ll add a point back into your column…you’re now up to about negative 13 or so. Several of your comments were deleted by Michael, because you were definitely attempting to steer people away from 1 script and to the other.  The script you were attempting to steer people away from was the one that you “knew” was mine.  Are you seriously now saying you weren’t doing this?  Really? Your questions that you decided to post later, because, at that time, you thought it must be someone else, showed that you had absolutely no clue what was even written on that script, even though it was staring you in the ass. It always makes me laugh when I read your comments on scripts, cause they’re always 1 of 2 things… You either wildly praise the vast majority of every script you read, and miss every single problem that’s once again, staring you in the ass… Or… You say unfounded negative things when you know it’s from a writer that you have issues with. There are so many examples of this within the site.  It’s downright pathetic and humorous at the same time. Every now and then, you get fooled by a writer and you throw out praise to those you don’t like, and once you find out who that writer was, you clam up like the little bitch you are. It’s sad when people act this way. It really is.  So petty, so juvenile, so downright weak. When a spade gets turned up, I think you need to call out that spade.  I’m calling it and you out. WEAK!!!!!

This is too much for me. I'done with the site.

Sandra vs James!!!!!!!

I'm way out...

This is why I lock these threads really quickly.  If someone would like to be next pm me.