Something Is Out There by Darren J Seeley (DarrenJamesSeeley) - Short, Horror - Three people are trapped inside a chapel as a terrible creature hides somewhere out in the cemetery outside. 15 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

That was a trip, Darren. After page 4, seemed like a lot happened for a short. Certainly an action filled adventure.

In my reviews I tend to focus on story and leave others to address writing. I want to note though that it seems maybe you sent this without a lot of proof reading. There were some areas where a word was accidentally left out. Grammatical versions of typos, but they were indicative of rushing this out, and this was reflected in a lot of areas where the writing needs cleaning up. I know as a writer you are more than up to the task of fixing, and there's just too many to really take notes on, so I trust you will know how to fix them.

The story has a lot of good things. A great setting, some powerful images, a really cool creature. I'm confident this little world you've created will take better form with rewrites. You have a great imagination, which serves you well for horror. There are some questions that arose.

I had assumed this creature was somehow conjured by the kids with the Ouija board. Then there was a pit with cult members in it. So I'm not sure what was going on, and there seems to be a lot of weird things going on for one little cemetery. Maybe you can expand on that in rewrites, or explain. And why were the cult people happy to see Catherine?

The killing of the creature has to change. You have this powerful creature swooping in, snapping heads off, toppling grave stones, flipping cars...that was great. Then it dies accidentally falling on a shovel held by Catherine? Come on! That creature's way too bad ass for that! So work on a different way to kill it Darren.

In a previous draft (which was on another site) the monster was conjured up by the cult and the beast turned on them after they bound up Catherine. Catherine was protected by the rosary (which is still slightly hinted at here), and also the opening scene (minus some dialog) was in a series of quick flashblacks Brian and Catherine told to Miller. I moved the flashback up front so they are no longer flashbacks, and gave a little time to Brian and Catherine.

It wasn't rushed. Later tonight I'll look to see where these errors are, but I thought I had taken care of them. I could have missed something. A big misconception about me is that I crank these jokers out as if someone put a gun to my head and said 'write or die'.

More to follow later...

Thanks for the read.

I would switch a character name here. Catherine and Kate can only confuse the reader a bit.

pg. 2
BRIAN
What are going to do to you? Ground
you? - this dialogue needs fixed.

I also think you should use (O.S.) instead of a wrylie (off) for off screen dialogue.

This is very talky to start. i don't like Brian saying "What the hell!" twice consequetively.

There's a ton of typos here Darren. So many, I've stopped pointing them out.

The initial exchange of dialogue between Brian, Catherine, and Miller seemed very odd to me. Brian asks about the car twice. This guy likes to repeat himself.

I don't get why Brian and Catherine left the safety of the chapel.

Would've like to known more about this monster. I think the dialogue should start out talking about the legend of it. Then maybe they all move into the chapel to have their orgy. Strange noises outside. Build tension. As it sits, I really didn't get any tension from it. I think it needs it.

Yeah, it seems like a pretty cool monster. I just again, would like to know more about it. Hope this helps some...

Thanks for jumping in the challenge with me. It was good fun...

James

Darren I gave this some thought. Maybe you don't need the people in the pit. You have the kids with the ouija board. They conjured this thing somehow. Especially since this is a short. Instead of the pit people, come up with a more prolonged way to kill the creature. Just an idea man.

I'm back from Easter dinner. Beans tasted real good. Now...time for the other beans...

I looked over the script again, and aside from the line quoted above ("What are {they} going to do to you" as James pointed out) I'm having a dickens of a time seeing where the spelling errors are. My best guess is some words that might call for hyphenation, but other than that, I'm rather stumped. Could be the rule of thumb where if one or two errors are present, chances are there's more. Might be the holiday and I'm all beaned out and sugared up and can't see straight. Could have been the wine too.

As for the cult in the pit, since in the previous draft I cut and jigsawed them back in somehow, as it goes with some scripts progression, these folks might go bye-bye. I might even drop the ouija board at that.

But I'm going to draw a line in the sand here. While the monster has some inspiration from a combination of sources and is spurned into a creature unique, I think it would be a mistake - a huge mistake to have the kids (or even Miller, for that matter) to have some knowledge of what the creature is. I've seen too many (dull) films that do that. I seen one too many films where the kids are aware of the superstitions, urban legends and ghost tales- spit in the face/tempt such fates and then, like clockwork, believe it when they get picked off. I personally HATE that self awareness and stupidity. I despise it. Period.

If anything, I'd much rather keep the creature's origins unknown and they learn about it (or how to defend against it). Should there be a more grand way to kill the monster? I will weigh that in down the road.

However, a good point was made about being in the chapel a bit longer. I'll consider it.

Catherine/Kate...hmmm...I'm on the fence with that. I'll probably change Kate to Katy or something. But I'm skeptical on the confusion there James.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Catherine/Kate...hmmm...I'm on the fence with that. I'll probably change Kate to Katy or something. But I'm skeptical on the confusion there James.

Its just simple psychology. Try not to use the same starting consanants in characters names when it can be avoided. I've actually read this in screenwriting books and have found myself to agree with it.

Katy, Katherine... Alot of peeps read screenplays at lightning speed IMO.  This is just a simple thing that could help your read. It neither makes, nor breaks, anything in your story.

James

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Catherine/Kate...hmmm...I'm on the fence with that. I'll probably change Kate to Katy or something. But I'm skeptical on the confusion there James.

Hey, Darren -- just chiming in here in support of what James is saying.

This is something you will never recognize in your own work -- you need to hear it from a reader -- but it is a true fact that this happens with similar names.  It drives a reader crazy.

Maybe you have never encountered it while reading somebody else's work, but someday you will, and then you will be a believer.  Tons of writers around here will back me up on this, even if they do not comment here, specifically.

It is such an easy fix.  Fix it.

...and backing up. Kate's just short for Catherine/Katherine, and she's going down the aisle soon :) You've got two characters with the same name?

Is just rude if I make a comment like this and don't review, so I'll be back.

Quoted from bert Hey, Darren -- just chiming in here in support of what James is saying. This is something you will never recognize in your own work -- you need to hear it from a reader -- but it is a true fact that this happens with similar names.  It drives a reader crazy. Maybe you have never encountered it while reading somebody else's work, but someday you will, and then you will be a believer.  Tons of writers around here will back me up on this, even if they do not comment here, specifically. It is such an easy fix.  Fix it.

I have, Bert. I just was slightly skeptical on Kate and Catherine. Nothing more.

Quoted from LC ...and backing up. Kate's just short for Catherine/Katherine, and she's going down the aisle soon :) You've got two characters with the same name? Is just rude if I make a comment like this and don't review, so I'll be back.

No, it isn't rude. I'm rather used to it by now. :)

Okay. the point is made. I'll do an alteration. No problemo.

Hey Darren,

Gave this one a read, first one you've posted in a while.
I like your creature, it's a cool beasty.
Despite being very reminiscent of a 2005 Doctor Who episode.
Wedding guests are trapped in a chapel by a demonic bat creatures in that story.
In that story, I understood the character motivation and dynamics.

I think I'd like this story much better if I cared about any of the kids.
The quartet comes off like selfish goth twats on the page.
If that's what you intended, ok, but it didn't help me get into your script.

Your actions scenes play out decent, but I didn't get why they left the chapel.
The beasty is desecrating a grave so they decide to run into the night?

I'm also unclear as to why Miller is there, maybe I missed something.
Is he a caretaker? Why does he show up when he does?
If he was connected to the cult, that might give him some motivation.
I second the repetitive dialogue and the name similarity.
There's a "Yeah, I think you're right" on page 4 that reads left field too.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't connect with the characters here much.
It seems the only character motivation here is to survive.
There's no character conflict to compliment the device of your beast.
Your play out the scenario with some decent action beats.
Now, I want a story and character arc to go along with it.

Keep writing and rewriting.

Regards,
E.D.

Darren,

Sorry to say, this one didn't really do much for me.  I felt like I was thrown head-first into a story already in progress, and didn't really have much incentive to care about the characters or the situation they were in.

I agree with others before who said that the beginning is too talky.  It's too talky and it doesn't really establish the characters that well.  It basically just sets the scene of four teens ripe for killing; a standard in horror movies.  

Also, you introduce them as TEENS, but that's pretty vague as it can go from 13-19.  I'm also not the biggest fan of how you introduce them all at once with little to no description.  This is constantly argued on the boards (the introduction of many characters at once), and I'm usually in favor of what's less confusing to the reader.  Oh, and I should note: Kate and Catherine didn't confuse me, but if it did for others, it's worth changing.

I also agree with James: the monster does sound pretty cool, but that's not enough to carry a story. It's just all too generic for me right now, and you need to either spice it up with a better story or more defined characters.

-Matt

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Hey Darren, Gave this one a read, first one you've posted in a while. I like your creature, it's a cool beasty. Despite being very reminiscent of a 2005 Doctor Who episode. Wedding guests are trapped in a chapel by a demonic bat creatures in that story.

While I do like the Doctor Who series, the short wasn't influenced by that ep. Now, if there was a time travel element (the creatures, if I recall, was a result of a time travel paradox) but I give props to any of the following:

Larry Cohen's Q The Winged Serpent;
Lewis Carroll's Jabberwocky;
Don Coscerelli's Phantasm film series;
Stan Winston's Pumpkinhead...

and my own brain pattern. Still, any mention of Doctor Who is alright by me.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I'm also unclear as to why Miller is there, maybe I missed something. Is he a caretaker? Why does he show up when he does? If he was connected to the cult, that might give him some motivation.

There was an alarm tripped.
Interesting that you mention him being connected to the cult and being the bad guy. I had considered that when I first wrote it. In fact it was his pet that got "loose" and basically the monster kills vandals and/or traspassers after dark. Miller showed up when the alarm was tripped for the monster had a phobia regarding religious objects. So he had to get the survivors out of the chapel. He also didn't want to kill them himself, but let his pet do it.


But it didn't work for me. I felt I telegraphed it a bit much, and I'd much rather have a hinted discovery of where the beast came from. It also didn't work for others (on antoher site) so I changed it. Maybe it was okay- but since I wasn't crazy about it, I may have treated it a bit more different.

The rest of your points are noted ED.


As for not posting in awhile...I been down that highway before. The only thing that prompted this submission was the recent thread about a lack of creature features.

Quoted from Dressel Also, you introduce them as TEENS, but that's pretty vague as it can go from 13-19.   -Matt

An excellent point. I'll put up a revision here shortly, and that observation will be corrected. Thanks a bunch Matt.

Darren, you know you're not my favorite SS'er, and you probably think anything of yours I read, I'm going to try and rip apart because of that.  It's not true, however. I give the same honest feedback to everyone, whether I like them or despise them.

I saw your log and really liked the premise, thus, I gave it a read.  Take it for what it is, here are my thoughts.

As I said, I love the premise.  I love horror and creature features.  Most aren't good, though, and creature features even more in particular are down right bad.  This doesn't have to be, but there are so many mistakes here that completely sink this into a 20 foot pit.

Your creature is cool, but, IMO, you tried to use way too many descriptive adjectives and even nouns, that in the end, I have less of an idea of what it looks like than I would if you only described it briefly.

There's way too much detail throughout the script everywhere, actually, and these details are what really kill this.

You use the word "chapel" many times, in your Slugs and in prose.  I have a pretty good idea of what a chapel is without looking it up, but in doing so, I'm more confused than I was before.  How is this a chapel?  What is a chapel doing in a cemetery?  Why are there "dead in drawers"?  Makes no sense to me at all.

You have this "pit" in your finale, and you decided to tell us how deep it is..."at least 20 feet deep"...HUH?  This chick falls 20 feet into this pit, climbs out, falls in again, then climbs out again.  Is this remotely possible?  I sure can't see it.  And it must be just an immense "pit", as we have 13 people in it to start, then Catherine, and then this giant beast, as well.  No way.

As others have said, it's WAY too talky up font, and actually, it's too talky whenever people start talking.

Miller's arrival doesn't work.  I saw the red lights being tripped, but no, we need alot more.

Why in the world would they leave the "chapel", when they've been safe in there the entire time?  No, doesn't make sense.  Why wouldn't someone just use their cell phone and call for help?  C'mon, now...

The addition of this cult in the pit is ludicrous.  No reason whatsoever for their inclusion.

Having 2 of 5 named characters with the same basic name is again, just foolish.

A few other things, but that's probably enough on that.

As others said, there are many, many mistakes throughout, in terms of missing words, incorrect grammar, and especially oddly and awkwardly phrased lines.  Also oddly joined lines in your passages, that should be on their own.  Numerous examples of missing subjects in your lines.  Almost no description of any of these "teens", and as someone correctly pointed out, "teens" can be from 13-19, and that's a very wide range in terms of looks and actions.

So, alot to fix up here, IMO, but a great premise and creature to work with.  But, we need to root for your characters and we need to fear your creature, as in, we need to have a clue what it is and why it's here.

And finally, the creature's demise is terrible and the anticlimactic-ness (  ;D) of the finale just leaves this on a very sour note.

Sorry to be harsh, but these are my honest thoughts and they're meant to help you in your rewrites.

Take care.

Quoted from Dreamscale Darren, you know you're not my favorite SS'er, and you probably think anything of yours I read, I'm going to try and rip apart because of that.  It's not true, however. I give the same honest feedback to everyone, whether I like them or despise them. You use the word "chapel" many times, in your Slugs and in prose.  I have a pretty good idea of what a chapel is without looking it up, but in doing so, I'm more confused than I was before.  How is this a chapel?  What is a chapel doing in a cemetery?  Why are there "dead in drawers"?  Makes no sense to me at all. Miller's arrival doesn't work.  I saw the red lights being tripped, but no, we need alot more. Why in the world would they leave the "chapel", when they've been safe in there the entire time?  No, doesn't make sense.  Why wouldn't someone just use their cell phone and call for help?  C'mon, now... The addition of this cult in the pit is ludicrous.  No reason whatsoever for their inclusion. .

It's okay Jeff. I figure if myself or anyone else puts up a script on the site, it's fair game for anyone to read, critique and give opinion if they choose to do so. It's also a myth that we disagree on everything or at each others throats. A few differences aside, there's no harm nor foul as far as I'm concerned.

I'm not going to address the names or the age thing in the current draft; I already conceded on that and responded to it thus far in this thread. Upon reflection, I am going to have to explain why everyone runs out of the chapel. However, I'm not going to explain why it is there. There are some cemetaries which do have chapels that also double as small mausoleums. I'll most likely change it in the next rewrite to mausoleum to avoid further confusion, but I think (or would like to think) most people would have gotten that.

As for the cell phone...um....eh... a hocus pocus moment! Yeah, that's it! No, seriously, that was my blunder. Even though I cut it because it was too cliche for me, I might have to put it back in where the storm also knocked out the local tower. No, second thought, I have a better idea since you brought this up anyhow.

Thanks Jeff.

Hey Darren.

I took a look at this and then I read through all the posts and everybody's pretty much pointed out everything I had noted, so at the risk of sounding monotonous, I'll echo what all the others have pointed out.  (All of which you have clarified or said you were going to fix anyway.)

However, there was one thing I noticed that I don't think has been brought up yet.  On page 7, you have Miller go outside and he sees his smashed up car, then he sees the creature.  And then on page 8, when he goes back inside, you say that 'Now with a nasty cut on his head, Miller bolts into the chapel,...'  even though there hasn't been any action with him where he would have cut his head.  I'm kind of lost as to where the cut came from.  I don't know if I missed something or if there was a part you took out where Miller gets his cut.

The creature was definately interesting.  Definately a menacing presence.  The things happening at the end, though, with the cult in the pit, I got kind of lost.  I do plan on reading this again to see if I catch some things that I might have missed in the beginning.

When I do, I could make a list of all the typo's I see if you'd like me to.  There weren't a lot by any means, but enough that it did take me out of the reading a couple times.  Actually, there's 2 in your first four lines of the script.  I love editing, and sometimes an author becomes all too familiar with his work and it takes a fresh set of eyes to notice typo's that slip by.

But I'll be checking it out again in the next day or two, so let me know.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Darren. However, there was one thing I noticed that I don't think has been brought up yet.  On page 7, you have Miller go outside and he sees his smashed up car, then he sees the creature.  And then on page 8, when he goes back inside, you say that 'Now with a nasty cut on his head, Miller bolts into the chapel,...'  even though there hasn't been any action with him where he would have cut his head.  I'm kind of lost as to where the cut came from.  I don't know if I missed something or if there was a part you took out where Miller gets his cut. The creature was definately interesting.  Definately a menacing presence.  The things happening at the end, though, with the cult in the pit, I got kind of lost.  I do plan on reading this again to see if I catch some things that I might have missed in the beginning.

That's it. The votes are tallied. The cult is on vacation, soaking up Malibu sun  :P

As to Miller's cut, I didn't take anything out and you did miss something---but it's what you didn't see that made the difference. I don't think the others have commented on it yet because it's understood where he may have gotten the injury from, either directly or indirectly. Let's say I did show you a scene where the monster smacks Miller around. It's just another scene with the monster smacking someone else around. Considering that the monster smacks folks around at the start and near the end ...it's just repeating a gag.

No. It's not a plot hole. It's clearly understood how he got smacked around.
As for the spelling errors, I have corrected them in a current draft yet to be uploaded. Right now I'm sending the cult to somewhere in the void. They get an honorable mention, but I'm more or less writing them out at this stage.

I'll resub sometime tommorrow or Saturday.

Thanks for your read.

Error:

CATHERINE
Really. Won’t do them a lick of
good though. They can try.

Review: Just put the word "It" before the word wont and after really and this line will be fine.

Error:

Brian sits up, reaches for the bottle. A look of
disappointment.

CATHERINE
I think it’s empty.
BRIAN
Near.
CATHERINE
Just as well. Stuff is so watered
down it tastes like piss.

Review: This part in dialog seems unrealistic so I suggest a rewrite in at least Brian's reaction to Catherine saying i think its empty and then Catherine should follow up with something better to say.

Error:
KATE
(off)
You two got something to do, go do
it.
CATHERINE
No need to be a bitch about it.
KATE
I am a bitch. Proud of it

Review: Once again this has a very unrealistic feel to it. I mean you got Brian and Catherine chillin talking bout absolutely nothing important and then as soon as we do here from Kate from her love affair action thats going on she tells Brian and Catherine that they need to leave and go somewhere. I mean shouldn't Kate and Vince get a room instead?

Overall this is where I throw in the towel on this story. Just make it more realistic for me please.

Quoted from Vaproductions Error: CATHERINE Really. Won’t do them a lick of good though. They can try. Review: Just put the word "It" before the word wont and after really and this line will be fine.

Not true.  People don't usually talk in grammatically correct English.  When you write dialog this way, it sounds phony.


Phil

Quoted from Vaproductions Just make it more realistic for me please.

Advice from VA will always be taken. Make a monster/creature feature more realistic, Check.

I brought that same point up to VA on another thread.  It's funny...he says it doesn't matter how poorly a script's written, but for some odd reason, he likes his dialogue to be written and spoken in perfect English.

He's got it backasswards.

Quoted from Dreamscale I brought that same point up to VA on another thread.  It's funny...he says it doesn't matter how poorly a script's written, but for some odd reason, he likes his dialogue to be written and spoken in perfect English. He's got it backasswards.

I wonder what would happen if I did have dialog spoken in perfect English. If VA is right, I could pay off all my debts and buy a burger too with a massive script sale  ::)

If you had your dialogue spoken in perfect English, it would read like a pisser/comedy.

You may even be able to get some fries as well.

This script did not work for me.  It didn't float my boat.  It didn't ring my bell.

You wrote a fifteen page script and the first three pages (twenty percent of the script) is a bunch of teens partying.  If you're writing a script this short, you have to hit the ground running.

Once the shit hit the fan, I felt as if you could've ended the story.  Nothing else happened.  The story didn't build for me.  The scene in the pit read like it was something you threw in at the last minute.

I got nothing out of the characters.  They were two dimensional and disposable.  I groan when I read that the four teens were goth and they were partying in a cemetery.  This is just so fuckin' cliche!  Goth people do more than hang out in cemeteries and not every teen who parties in cemeteries are goth.

If you're going to rewrite this, try to kid rid of your orphans.  Doing this will cut half a page off the length.


Phil

The rewrite is going to be subitted tonight with some plot and character switcheroos.

Doggle's above complaint that all he teens are emo goths is part of that. Oddly, as I was rewriting, I didn't read his comment until now. Only one of the four teens (17-18) is now close to goth, alhough Vincent's fake vampire teeth are still around.

For sake of clarity, the survivors are now simply in a mausoleum, which also holds a makeshipt chapel as part of a wing. (This also changes the logline with one word).

The Cult is loosely mentioned, but they havegone on vacation to Maui.

The cell phone problem is taken care of. It was rather easy, seeing how they were in the rain and all, and covered in goop ,mud, blood etc etc. It's more clear here.

Miller has more purpose.
Why they leave the comfort of the Mausoleum.
And a more horror-ish ending.

It should be up in a few days or when Don puts the refreshment up.
To make sure you guys are seeing the revision, (should you choose to) today's date (4302011) is on the end of the pdf file and mentioned on the title page.

And yes, Catherine is Catherine. Kate is Late and could not make it to the shin-dig. Another lass shall taketh her place.

-D.

Sounds like all good ideas.  I for one will actually give it a another look.

Darren, you might consider hosting your scripts on something like Dropbox, and sending Don the link. That way you can make changes or rewrites whenever you want without bothering him.

Don likes being bothered!

Yeah, but Darren writes a script a day!

Just kidding Darren. I will read for the new ending when it posts. Hopefully the destruction of the creature is worthy of its fearsome nature.

Quoted from leitskev Darren, you might consider hosting your scripts on something like Dropbox, and sending Don the link. That way you can make changes or rewrites whenever you want without bothering him.

Tried that once, but with even the slightest update, the URL kink changed and in my view, a bigger hassle.

Quoted Text (I) write a script a day, Just kidding

No you're not. I could land a gig with Haimi's RHI or The Asylum if I pushed myself hard enough, I'm sure... ;D

Darren, as promised, I’m giving your short another view, since you have a new draft up.  I have not taken notes, but I do have some mental ones and I’ve got your PDF still open, so I will use a few actual quotes.

I see you’ve made some changes here in the middle and end, based on feedback, and that’s good.  However, it doesn’t look like you did much of anything with the opening, which is a problem, and there are still many, many mistakes everywhere.  This is a better version, but, IMO, it’s still a mess.

Let’s check it out…

I don’t know if this is a new Logline or not, but I have to start here.

“Three people are trapped inside a chapel as a terrible creature hides somewhere out in the cemetery outside.” – Look at the “out in the cemetery outside” ending here.  Reads just awful, repetitive, missing punctuation, just not good.  The script has very little to do with the creature hiding anywhere.  He’s killing people, attacking people, destroying things, digging up graves…very little hiding going on.  It’s just a really bad Logline (and trust me, I’m not a good Logline writer, and many Logs aren’t good, but when they’re downright bad, it’s something you need to address immediately).

So, as I said after reading the first draft, the opening just doesn’t work.  It’s way too long, slow, and dull.  It’s good you got rid of most of the Goth stuff, but other than that, it comes off the same way.  Unlikable, bland characters, dull, unbelievable dialogue, hard to follow visuals and action.  Check out your opening lines…

“Industrial dark wave music plays over the speakers of a rusty car.

An Ouija board rests on a headstone, surrounded by roses and empty bottles of rum.”

Your first sentence ends in an orphan…and what does it tell us?  What is “industrial dark wave music”?  Are you showing the speakers in this rusty car? I know this may all sound very picky and maybe even pricky, but I’m serious.  Is this really the way you want to open your script?

Next line – “An Ouija…” – This is incorrect and you do it again later.  Technically, since “Ouija” starts with an “O”, “an” seems like the right choice over “a”, but when you say this out loud, you should immediately know it’s not correct.  Should be “A Ouija…”

But it’s more than just the “an”.  I personally dislike the entire line.  First of all, I can’t picture a headstone that would hold a Ouija board, roses and empty rum bottles…I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I just don’t picture what this headstone looks like..or is shaped like, and right off the bat, I’m pausing to try and get a mental image.  Finally, what’s with the empty rum bottles?  We’ve got 4 kids and they’ve polished off multiple bottles of rum?

OK, 1 more quote from Page 1…(sorry I’m being a lot more detailed than I wanted to be).

“BRIAN, CATHERINE, VINCE and LILY, (all 17-18 years old) party around an area of the graveyard.  Only Lily is into an emo-Goth look. Blue jeans, T-shirts and Salvation Army jackets are the norm for the others.”

And this is the 3rd passage and again, for me, major issues going on.  You intro all 4 characters together, but don’t give us any physical descriptions to differentiate them.  You say they’re all 17 or 18, but don’t tell us which ones are 17 and which ones are 18.  You say they “party around an area of the graveyard”, but what does that mean?  It’ so far from visual and again, I have to pause to try and figure out exactly what you’re trying to say.  I mean, seriously, “an area of the graveyard”…what does that mean or show us?  Nothing.  Then, for some reason, you state that “only Lily” has on some emo-Goth look, which reads and sounds really odd, as if it’s surprising they all aren’t dressed like this.   Then, you specifically dress your other 3 characters in “blue jeans, T shirts, and Salvation Army jackets”.  If they have jackets on, how do we know they’re wearing T shirts underneath?

Again, you may be rolling your eyes and thinking, WTF?  What’s wrong with this A-Hole?  Why in the Hell is he bringing all this up?  Well, IMO, you’ve got to hit the ground running, right out of the gate.  For me, this is the opposite…it’s as if you tripped at the gun, and fell down.  It’s a bad way to start.

OK, from there, we’ve got 3 pages of difficult to follow action prose and dull, go nowhere dialogue, that doesn’t even sound realistic.  I mean it’s almost an entire page about what’s in the “empty rum bottles”, and even after all that, I’m completely clueless.  It doesn’t go anywhere, it doesn’t give us any insights into any of these characters, and doesn’t even provide an answer to the question it poses.

I think this entire opening is a major problem here and needs to be fixed up.

Top of Page 4 – we’re introduced to our Antag now…and it happens very suddenly, and awkwardly, I’m afraid.  Here’s the first passage…

“Shadow of outspread bat wings fall over Vince and Lily. Both look up. Lily screams as Vince tears away from her.”

I’ve brought this up many times before and will again now.  I just don’t understand why writers omit the word “A” or “The” in action prose.  It doesn’t read well at all the way it is.  There’s a shadow, and then, in the same shot basically, Vince is picked up into the air.  Doesn’t work for me as written at all.

Next passage…

“Vince windmills his arms as he flies backward in the air.  Once on the ground, Vince slumps dead next to a tombstone.  Blood pours from his mouth, which opens to reveal his fake vampire teeth.”

Passages should basically be a single thought…or shot, or description detail, or action sequence.  This is far from it, and shouldn’t be linked together.  Vince is windmilling his arms in the air, then, in the next sentence, he’s on the ground, dead.  Yet, you didn’t show him killed or even fall, and that’s a HUGE problem.  And although you completely exclude all detail of Vince being dropped to the ground and dying, for some reason, you give great detail after he’s lying on the ground, dead.

OK, let’s move on…I don’t want to keep on providing quotes, cause I think I could do it with the majority of the lines.  The writing on display here is very awkward to me.  The visuals and action not well presented and hard to follow and picture.  The dialogue isn’t realistic, and it’s also shockingly repetitive, with characters routinely repeating themselves again and again.  You’ve got missing words and some typos.

The part you rewrote is better than it was before and I’m very happy you got rid of the 13 cultists in the giant pit, but it still doesn’t work for me at all the way it is.  The surviving characters in the chapel/mausoleum just don’t act or speak like they should.  I don’t buy any of it.  The scene also goes on way too long.  Way too much talking that doesn’t come off as real or go anywhere (at least we now find out where this “Q” comes from though, which is nice).  IMO, this shouldn’t be longer than 10-12 pages, and you’ve got it running onto Page 21!

The finale was better this time around, but still needs attention, IMO.   Brian’s death is not well done.   Miller shooting himself in the head is not well done.   The creature’s demise is much better, but still not good, IMO.  And you supplanted the pit for an open grave, but this open grave must be just cavernous for all the action taking place inside it.  Just doesn’t work and I can’t visualize what you’re after.

Maybe the problem is that I can’t visualize the creature, itself, still.  Based on what it does, it sounds like it must be huge, but you never really tell us or give us a visual of how big it is.  It upends cars and heavy grave markers.  It picks people up and flies around with them.  It snaps off heads and breaks bodies in 2, yet it fits inside an open grave with several other people in it at the same time.

I’m sorry, Darren, but this doesn’t work for me at all, as written.  I’ll say what I said originally, I love the premise and possibilities here, but the execution isn’t working for me at all.  I bring up all this stuff to point it out to you, in hopes it will help going forward.

Take care and best of luck with this.

Well, there's a rule of thumb for me.
Better to rip me a new rear end than to shine my shoes...

Sorry, man, hope you know my intent was not to rip you a new one.  Just pointing out things that aren't working and trying to explain why.

I was kidding.