Ambulance by Eric Hansen (inquiringmind) - Short, Drama - Hot temperatures ignites people to make bad decisions. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

I have to admit, Eric, that your ending caught me completely off guard.  It was a nice surprise.

The story, however, didn't seem believable for me, though.  You need to research paramedic protocol a little.  The dispatcher would just say that a call is for an attempted suicide.  It would give a little more detail as there are hundreds of ways to kill yourself.

SPOILER SPACE!!!

Quoted Text A MIDDLE AGE MAN lies on his side in his own blood - he is holding his wrist. The paramedics work hard to revive him. They succeed.

If the middle aged man is holding his wrist, then he's still alive.  This means they don't have to revive him.  What bothered me the most about this scene, however, is that you completely skirt around what should be a very visual scene by saying 'they revive him.'

END SPOILER SPACE (maybe...)

There were some formatting problems.  You introduce Jangis and Carlos as TWO PARAMEDICS, and then name them (later on, you refer to Carlos as Paramedic 2).  You should introduce them by name and stay with the names.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Thanks dogglebe for the feedback. I see what you are saying about the man robert. I suppose I didn't know how to write it nicely, so I will go back and revise it.

I want him to be unconcious so I should just take that part out where he is holding his arm.


If I undersand you correctly, I didn't write enough detail from the dispatchers call. I will look at it again. I thought I did write in that the victim attempted suicide though.

Yes far as the rest is concern, I made a few dumb mistakes during the changing of the names that I noticed after I posted the script and I knew some one would call me on it.

The formatting is from final draft, but if you can give me specifics what is wrong I can go back and change it.

Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated.

Quoted from Inquiringmind If I understand you correctly, I didn't write enough detail from the dispatchers call. I will look at it again. I thought I did write in that the victim attempted suicide though.

Instead of saying that someone attempted suicide, I think the dispatcher state how their patient (not sure if that is the right word) attempted suicide.  The method could mean what equipment the paramedics would take onto the scene.

Quoted from Inquiringmind The formatting is from final draft, but if you can give me specifics what is wrong I can go back and change it.

All that FD (and every other scriptwriting software package) does is set up margins.  You still have to write the script in compliance to a billion other rules.  Using progressive nouns is considered to be wrong.

Quoted Text Two PARAMEDICS are drinking coffee and eating bagels...

should read:

Quoted Text Two PARAMEDICS drink coffee and eat bagels...

and even better way of saying this is:

Quoted Text Two PARAMEDICS enjoy coffee and bagels...

Introduce your characters by name.  You made the mistake with the paramedics (later naming them) and you later did it with the middle ages man (later naming him Robert).

There's also a matter of orphans.  These are lines on the page that contain only one or two words.  Do a little editing and eliminate that last line (more with the descriptions than the dialog).  Doing this can shorten a feature length script by pages.

And read some scripts.  It's a great way to learn.


Phil

Quoted Text Instead of saying that someone attempted suicide, I think the dispatcher state how their patient (not sure if that is the right word) attempted suicide.  The method could mean what equipment the paramedics would take onto the scene.

Okay.

Quoted Text All that FD (and every other scriptwriting software package) does is set up margins.  You still have to write the script in compliance to a billion other rules.  Using progressive nouns is considered to be wrong.

A progressive noun is that like a gerund?

I guess the way I did it does sound clunky. I like the way you stated the same scene. Thanks.

I could have named the paramedics to start with but I thought it was an easy way to convey to the reader they were paramedics before naming them.

A gerund is a verb that acts as a noun:  The fishing was great today.

A progressive noun is a noun that ends in -ing, like fishing.  Wait, that's not a good example.

John is running down the street is progressive.

John runs down the street is active.


Phil

Hey Eric.

While this did have a nice little twist at the end that caught me offguard, it was a little off-putting to even make it to the end, and it was only five pages.

One reason that it didn't really keep my interest the whole way (and maybe the reason why I couldn't foretell the surprise ending) was that I didn't really care about the characters at all, or didn't really pay attention to everything, and a lot of that was because of the dialogue.

A lot of it feels very forced and on the nose.  The characters were saying things they HAD to say, and I couldn't buy into the reality of the whole piece because of the forced, awkward conversations.

As for the ending:

!!!!SPOILERS!!!!

It was a decent enough resolution, but I think you should fix up the dates on the newspapers as to when everything happened.  As it is right now, the police discover the gun is Carlos' right away, on November 8, but they don't link it to the other crimes until more than 3 weeks later, after Jangis wakes up.  It seems to me, running it through the system, they would've discovered the gun matched the serial killings at about the same time they found out it was Carlos'.

Maybe I'm wrong, but it was just something that popped into my head.

- Mark