First of all, good job in getting a full length script done. I don't know if you're gonna hang around the SS boards so I won't go into too much detail.
- You'll need a FADE IN, but you won't need the CONT'D headers and footers.
- I didn't mind too much the : in character slugs too much. Be warned, some folks may not be so kind. (Truth is, you don't really need them) That said, you aren't consistent with it; better just to drop it altogether.
- Having the number 2 in the title is fine. Having it throughout is another matter. It irritates the crap out of me. I consider shorthand abbreviating. You aren't texting, you're writing a script. Write the word two (two men, two guns etc). 4 men, 4 horses..l. four men, four horses. Eleven instead of 11.
Quoted Text WILLIAM BERDETT:
Which brings us to your 3rd and
final task. |
See what I'm talking about? Stuff like that. Here's the worst on p22:
Quoted Text Margaret creates a fake newspaper article, adding JOHN’s
picture to it. The article reads, "Pinkerton JOHN SMITH
kills 2 and wounds another in attempted stage coach robbery. |
If you want to debate this on the fact that the article is fake, that's not the point. The point is she's using a shorthand!
- Change Gunner's name. This is a western, Dudes carry and shoot
guns. It's like having a car chase and someone is named Chase. (I actually saw that in a script once five yrs ago on another site) Here, there's gunfights. On top of that, there's a GUNMAN with GUNNER DAVIS. A few of my peers got on my butt (rightly so) for having characters who have names that are too much alike. I'm on p4- I better not see a character named Colt. (Note that the GUNMAN is the FARMER on p4)
We also have JESSE BERDETT and BARRETT FOSTER. This is an easy fix- first name only for both men, although there is someone named Bert. Also some of these characters aren't CAPPED on intro, but oddly, shortly after they appear and speak. Who's Bert anyway? And then there's Judge Bean.
Quoted Text BEAN notices the rider and turns to BERDETT.
JUDGE ROY BEAN:
Why don’t we just hang Foster, we
can try him for murder tonight.
BARRETT FOSTER:
It’s not Foster’s death that
matters to me, it’s the message I
send. Besides you wouldn’t even
give him the honor of a trial. |
When the writer gets confused on who's who...it's near quitting time. If they are talking about a relative of Barrett's, they would be using that person's first name. As is it reads into choas.
And since I'm on the subject, FARMER should be given a proper name. Just as long as it doesn't start with a B.
(Earlier he was The GUNMAN- is he THE GUNMAN on p14?)
And at the card table p14? Buck. buck says something on p17 which made me wonder what year this was. 1890? By the way, his name is Buck. "Buck Shot" yeah, I got it.
Speaking of the year, ...
Quoted Text The goons quickly strap TNT to all the load bearing
structures on the main floor. English Bob grabs a long beam
and props shut the attic door.
|
When I think 'English Bob' for some reason I think Unforgiven. But that's not why I highlighted this passage, It's the error in the TNT part. While invented in 1863, its use as an explosive wasn't until the early 1900s. You are thinking of dynamite. TNT is not dynamite.
I can't continue past here; I tried. I really tried, but I keep seeing name changes and then I get to a conversation with :
Quoted Text BARRETT FOSTER:
Go right ahead but someone out
there wants you dead.
MARGARET gets up and walks to the door. Before leaving she
turns to MARSHALL FOSTER
MARGARET JAMES:
Last chance to arrest me Marshall.
MARSHALL FOSTER tips his hat to MARGARET and sits back in
his chair.
MARGARET JAMES:
I didn’t think so.
MARSHALL’S DEPUTY:
Your just letting her go sir? |
The script is rough and raw. It could be better. It should be.
-D.