Ignoble by Brian Howell (reuel51) - Short, Drama, Horror - A teenage girl goes to a clinic for help with a problem, but things aren't all that they seem. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Wow. This has award winning potential, but what do I know, and my opinions seem to kind of drift in a different direction than from most people here. For a 5 pages script, this was extremely powerful, effective, and if it matters, very well written too.

Spoiler:


The skinny Jesus on the crucifix was classic foreshadow. I was totally wondering why it was there, until the very end.

This and Dressel's short posted this week are two of the best shorts I've ever seen. Congrats on this work. I hope my complements on this are not the kiss of death.

I seem to be following Kevin like a bad habit today, so after reading his review I had to take a look and...

Ouch.  This was powerful.   Some of the descriptions were slightly clunky and could be shaved down, but story-wise it's a gut punch.   Good job on tackling such a sensitive subject.  You hit it like a bull in a china shop.

EDIT:  There could be more to this.  Seems like it's missing one more scene at the end.

Hey Brian.

Pretty intense stuff.  Just the kind of stories I like.

If there's anything about this I didn't like, it was the logline.  It ended up being exactly what it seemed.

But the story's great and nothing bad to say or give advice to make it better.  Sure, it might have been a little thick in description, but that just added to the great atmosphere and tension.  I will never complain about that.

Great title by the way, too.

Good job.

Again.  :-)

- Mark

I remember this script from Movie Poet.  I'm not sure if you changed it since then.  If you haven't, you have my comments over there.

**SOME SPOILERS BELOW**


I expected big things from this based on your feedback so far.

Unfortunately I don't agree. From a female point of view (obv. only mine at this stage) if I was watching this, I'd just think that ending is kinda' nasty, and I'd groan, not be impressed, or enlightened, or learn anything new, or even be that shocked seeing as the foreshadowing of the slimy doctor 'Call me Wade' is already inherent imo.

Film often has a purpose other than to entertain. It is all about evoking a reaction; eliciting a visceral response rather than an intellectual one, but I just found this sort of corny.

Abortion will always be a contentious issue, but when it comes down to it, this just reads IMHO, as a cheap party-trick.

Having said this, you write competently Brian.

I agree with LC.

While the piece was well-written, it was incredibly implausible and emotionally manipulative (and not in a good way).  I know it's hard to talk about this one without emotions flaring up and all that, but I think the manner in which you chose to end it makes it impossible to do so.

This would just flat-out never happen.  Especially multiple times in the same office, as it's implied.

Lol Brian let me guess you done had a SPOILER!!! abortion recently.
While the story is very well written and the jesus picture in the doctor office is quite weird I would say. This story isn't for me. I'm actually against the nature of abortions. But once again this was well written.

I'm not sure I'd call this a horror. More like a hard-hitting drama. And everyone is right - it did pack a punch.

BUT I also agree that as it stands, this is pretty shallow in its message (abortion is wrong), and that the doctor gave photos to everyone tips it over into 'would never happen' territory. I have a quick suggestion which I think would help: tweak your focus. Make this a story about a doctor who's had enough of doing abortions, and so decides to shock this one girl before quitting. A story about a jaded doctor who's fallen into self-loathing and so decides to do something like this - that's an interesting tale.

All it would need is a couple of scenes at the start with him waking up, perhaps alone in his house. Maybe he had a child that died young, which is why he just can't stomach abortion anymore? And that cost him his marriage. Or maybe that's too far. But at the moment this is a hair's breadth away from being an anti-abortion PSA - it wouldn't have seemed out of place if you'd closed with:

OVER BLACK

CARD:    
                                 DON'T KILL BABIES

                                                                                               FADE OUT

Making this about the last act of a grieving, jaded doctor gives the story more emotional, human grounding while retaining the visceral reaction you'd get to that final image. You'd still have the impact, but it would seem less purely exploitative. In my opinion. But hey, it's your short, and it's powerful as it is, so congrats.

Hi Brian
A contentious issue, which i'm sure is going to polarise quiet a few people.  Personally i'm not particularly opinionated either way.

However, while it sure does have an impact it feels decidedly one-note, I'd agree that this goes into the realms of the unrealistic, and this is my main problem.  Abortion is a very real issue and in my opinion needs to be approached in a very real way, in this sense I didn't find it particularly enlightening or honest.
It was an interesting piece though, but i think the subject matter threw me off.

Leon

Reading the other reviews, updating my thoughts.

First of all, I have no real agenda on the issue. I like the story because it is clever. I do want to say that Johhny Boy's suggestion is really a great way to go with this. This would really allow you to make the doctor's role very powerful. As a man who has seen so many girls come into his office, and who has killed so many babies, he has become tormented. By having this be a one time thing, you avoid the accusation of it not being real.

But this does change a lot of the creepy feel you were after here, so I don't know. Perhaps people are being a bit hasty in saying this is not realistic. First of all, it is a film, so the threshold for realism is lower than, say, a documentary. Secondly, this is clearly a very small clinic. There was no line of people in the waiting room. And he's not doing anything illegal far as I can tell, though hard to say with that crowd.

Not sure if you want the doctor having the patient call him by his first name. That was the one part I didn't really get.

I still think this was creative and well crafted, with the fetus like Jesus on the wall.

Quoted from leitskev But this does change a lot of the creepy feel you were after here, so I don't know. Perhaps people are being a bit hasty in saying this is not realistic. First of all, it is a film, so the threshold for realism is lower than, say, a documentary. Secondly, this is clearly a very small clinic. There was no line of people in the waiting room. And he's not doing anything illegal far as I can tell, though hard to say with that crowd.

Kevin, it's not realistic for several reasons.  One, in this day and age, if there was a doctor that was doing this, it would be ALL over very quickly.  Yelp, google, newspapers, etc.  Especially seeing as there are some very strong women that go into abortion clinics who would have a very strong reaction to this.  They wouldn't all break down.

Second, if the doctor is a Christian (which it implies), it's unrealistic that ANY Christian would ever perform abortions just so he could rub it in the face of those he's doing it to.  It just flat out makes no sense.  The idea would make any actual Christian sick.

I think Jonny's idea is probably the best way to go because it makes sense.  It adds some depth to the situation and doesn't just make it a shock value piece.

Matt, no one is saying the scenario is likely. But it's a film, one that describes itself as horror, though it's not so much horror as shock drama. The girl arrives at a quiet place that has no other patients. So it's not very well known. Maybe it's more of a referral service. Perhaps the procedure is paid for by some charity, and confidentiality is part of it. Maybe they will get exposed soon, but have not yet.

Is it normal Christianity? No, of course not. It's a twisted version, perhaps just the a distinct twist of this doctor. Thus the strange fetus like Jesus crucifix. This doctor has decided this is the best way to stop abortions. And perhaps it justifies some personal perversion he has.

Look at Inquisition torturers who used their sanctioned work to justify their own perverted impulses and desires.

Would it make a normal Christian sick? Yes, but isn't that the point of this story? Shock, horror, revulsion?

Quoted from leitskev Would it make a normal Christian sick? Yes, but isn't that the point of this story? Shock, horror, revulsion?

I guess then my point would be that it's not a very good horror film and it's not twisted enough.  If he's going to push out of the realm of reality into the twisted world of horror, he needs to push further.  As it stands right now, it's just melodrama.

While reading this, I was somewhere in between Dressel and leitskev. I liked the ending, but was a little disappointed based on everyone's initial comments. It was a little disturbing and a bit deranged, but it was nothing too upsetting (then again, I've been known to go up to pro-life rallies, salivate over their signs, and ask where i can get a free sample of that delicious looking red meat). would this ever happen in real life? no. but i never judge a script based on plausibility. if it could happen in the film's world, then i'll entertain the idea. so could this happen in your short's reality? sure, given the fact that you've established the doctor as some creepy religious doctor. could it pack a more powerful punch? absolutely. to be honest with you, i was hoping that this would last a bit longer. so you could easily kill two birds with one stone.

as for your writing style, i definitely enjoyed it. not all the descriptors were needed, but it helped set the mood...

kudos on a great short. it was definitely worth checking out.

I cosign dressel once again it is a melodramatic piece. But is well written.

I fail to see any horror here.

I think it's written pretty well, other than some obvious orphans running around on the opening page.

There is a definite sense of dread and foreboding, but the climax really is more of an anti-climax for me.

It came off as more of a anti-abortion statement than anything else.  It's obviously not to be taken seriously, as in being realistic or even possible.

I'm surprised at the strong reactions here on both sides.  I just didn't get much out of it.

Good effort though and an interesting take on an age-old topic.

As I said earlier I read this on Movie Poet and I'm in the camp that this is not believable enough. There is no way on earth the Doctor character portrayed would do this and unless the Doctor becomes more of a character that would do this then the ending will never truly work.  And that's a shame too because it could be very powerful if it was believable.

I'm with everyone else on the doctor not being believable. I don't think it would ever happen.

A possible fix maybe:

What if the girl's boyfriend showed up and caused her and the doctor some grief about what she was going to do?

I mean because most of the time it's the mother's choice, no one seems to think about the father.

Cindy

Oh, Cindy.  You're brilliant.  What if the girl he was performing the abortion on was his girlfriend?

To quote one of my Gran's favourite sayings, this script was "like a bull in a china shop". It's all very well imparting a hard-hitting message to a piece (and wasn't the piece the problem here) but it requires nuance, otherwise you're smashing a view across my face with a wet fish.

Having said all that, it's good that you've posted the script and generated a reaction. My only complaint is that a complex subject matter has been presented in a shallow light.

Just as I was about to settle down to a Panorama/Dispatches double, this story was haunting me and I had to come back and post more thoughts.

First off, the issue of believability is pretty inconsequential. You've created a world in which this behaviour is believable. Would this happen in our world? No, but through your descriptions, you show that the world here is different - more eerie, colder, more clinical, less nuanced than ours.

Secondly, the more I thought about it, the less I felt you were trying to force the view down my throat. To me, this script's power is in it being entirely impartial - that's its power, as you allow the extreme actions to shift us to our own default positions and views on the subject matter. I felt like you were shoving the view down my throat because I support abortion and see it as a practical solution - the imagery confronts me with the brutal truth. Therefore, your story challenges my viewpoint, leading me to feel dismayed that such a manipulative figure - and antithesis of my views - takes advantage of a young, innocent girl who's made a mistake. You show her as a victim as much as the baby - and the doctor, of course, is unconcerned with her innocent mistake and more concerned with what he sees as immaturity and irresponsibility leading to murder.

Also, the title card is a watered down concession that actually stops you from effectively putting both sides forward. It's a concession that is not warranted. Its omission would simply be an admission from those who support abortion (including me), that they can't deal with the realities of what they support when it's shown to us in such stark imagery. So while I do not change my stance on abortion, I would argue that when you try and see beyond your own personal viewpoint, this script has a much deeper meaning and impartiality.

Thank you everyone. Scripts go up so fast and get read and commented on even faster on this site. I have limited time now, but I want to broadly thank everyone for reading and commenting, and I'll be addressing many of you individually later on.

This was a script I wrote for MoviePoet, as Michael has mentioned. I got a lot of similar feedback over there, but I've found the crowd here is a little more willing to discuss scripts, and so I posted it. I don't know why I checked the horror genre box, I must have been in a weird mood, because I don't really classify this as horror either. Sorry for that.

I wanted to write a character that would cross a line of humanity that many of the great villains cross; a character that lives in a realm and views the world that is twisted and opposite of 'normal'. I attempted to create a surreal atmosphere in order to help move this along. The descriptions are verbose and a little clunky so as to set a plodding, disturbing mood. This was an experiment for me.

The doctor was inspired by what I view as the epitome of hypocrisy: militant 'pro-life' activists. The people that are sooo pro-life that they take someone's life to make their point. But I don't necessarily shoot straight, so I flipped this around and made a militant pro-lifer an abortion doctor, doing what he despises so he could torture women with guilt afterwards. Melodramatic? Yeah, I see that point. But as Andrew commented already, the real purpose was to cause each side to think about their views. My intention wasn't for this to serve as a pro-life PDA, but to "allow the extreme actions to shift us to our own default positions and views on the subject matter" (quoted from Andrew Allen).

So thank you all for reading this and leaving comments. As I said, I'll try and discuss individual points later on when I have more time. If any of you have something you want read or looked at, please don't hesitate to PM or email me. I'll get on it asap.

Thanks Again,
Brian

I'm actually going to pull a classic Dreamscale and say that I'm shocked at the reactions this has received. I really am.

Sorry, man. I thought this was extremely poor.

I'll leave my issues with the logistics at the door. You've heard enough about that. But let it be said that I took as much issue with the logistics as the other detractors did.

Anyway, all this talk of powerful imagery... I hate to say that, while I do think there was some strong imagery here, it was nothing you did. It's a powerful subject and these images would be just as strong if used in other scenarios.

Here though, it feels manipulative and, frankly, misappropriated. I think you knew how this material could be perceived and you applied it to far too simple a framework. The result struck me as cheap and the imagery (the fetus, Christ picture, etc.) used in the most obvious and one-dimensional context possible.

What bothered me the most is that there's almost no evidence of a thoughtful screenwriting process here. I don't think you, for a moment, thought about what's going on in the mind of a female in this situation or a doctor who regularly performs abortions. There's so many interesting questions you could've asked yourself to develop the story further but it feels like you neglected to do so and opted for something that was overall easier to spit out.

The whole thing felt very misguided, frankly.

Sorry if I come off as harsh. In part, it's due to expectations set up by the other readers so it is a little unfair of me. I will say that. I know it's also unfair to blame the other readers as they didn't set out to set any expectations. They responded as was only natural to them as I've done as well.

But really. Didn't care for it.

EDIT: Somehow, I missed your post. Anyway, read it. My review stands but after reading your response, I do think that you put a little more thought into this than I initially assumed. Do I think it went into the right places. No. I still think it's misguided. But I appreciate the insight into your thought process.

Quoted from leitskev For a 5 pages script, this was extremely powerful, effective, and if it matters, very well written too.

Thank you. This wasn't for everyone, but this comment made my day. I appreciate you reading this.

Brian

Quoted from screenrider Ouch.  This was powerful.   Some of the descriptions were slightly clunky and could be shaved down, but story-wise it's a gut punch.   Good job on tackling such a sensitive subject.  You hit it like a bull in a china shop. EDIT:  There could be more to this.  Seems like it's missing one more scene at the end.

First of all, thank you for the kind words. I didn't want to tip-toe into this subject matter, so I'm taking the "bull in a china shop" as a compliment. :)

As for it missing a scene or having more to this... I'm actually tinkering with the idea of expanding this into a feature. I don't think that is quite what you are saying, but that's been on my mind for quite some time now. In the 'full version' there will be more to what this doctor does than just giving his patients pictures; something that really turns him evil. As far as this goes, I didn't have the room to include this part of the story, as I was writing this for a 5 page contest.

I appreciate the feedback,

Brian

Looks like I am a little on an island on this script, Brian. One thing I hope you understand, my appreciation for this story had nothing to do with me personal politics. On the matter of abortion, I am actually pro-choice, though I have respect for those that have trouble with the procedure and have a pro-life leaning.

I thought it had a creepy feel and a nice, thought provoking twist at the end, one that was eerily and expertly foreshadowed with the pregnant receptionist and the odd crucifix. It manages to challenge all sides of the argument. For 5 pages, it has a high shock value.

I've made my point above to those that object to its realism. I don't think you were after realism. It's not realistic to find a zombie in your basement or a vampire at your window either. And it only takes a little suspension of disbelief to cross into believability here. Like I said, this could be a small practice, a referral one, its patients paid for by an obscure charity with an agenda. Who knows. Nothing illegal is done. Will some patient eventually sell the story to 60 minutes? Probably, and maybe then the practice of giving the photo will have to stop. But until then...

You could do more with the doctor if you want. The first name thing makes him creepy, if that was the intent. You could have the receptionist have a conversation with her. We could learn more about the girl. But you had a 5 page limitation from the contest, and with that, you did a great job.

Quoted from rc1107 Pretty intense stuff.  Just the kind of stories I like. If there's anything about this I didn't like, it was the logline.  It ended up being exactly what it seemed.

Thank you. I'll be honest, after I read "A FEW WILL FIND THIS DIFFICULT", I was inspired to put this up. So thank you for that. I like disturbing too, especially in short form.

As for the logline? Yeah, it isn't great. I don't put a lot of effort into loglines for shorts, but if anyone has any suggestions for the logline, feel free to share. :)

Brian

Quoted from mcornetto I remember this script from Movie Poet.  I'm not sure if you changed it since then.  If you haven't, you have my comments over there.

I changed a few slight details, very minimal. Thanks for your comments over on MP, and for giving this another look.

Brian

Quoted from LC From a female point of view (obv. only mine at this stage) if I was watching this, I'd just think that ending is kinda' nasty, and I'd groan, not be impressed, or enlightened, or learn anything new, or even be that shocked seeing as the foreshadowing of the slimy doctor 'Call me Wade' is already inherent imo. Film often has a purpose other than to entertain. It is all about evoking a reaction; eliciting a visceral response rather than an intellectual one, but I just found this sort of corny.

As a male writer, I always appreciate a female's point of view. Thank you for reading this. The ending is kind of nasty. As I've mentioned already, the intention here is to have this  play rather neutral on the subject of abortion. The intention is for the pro-life crowd to feel something for the girl; whether they disagree with her decision or not, nobody should be treated the way she was treated. As for the pro-choice crowd, I wanted the images to speak for themselves, and had I not gone for the shock-value with the images, I couldn't have gotten that across. No matter what side of the argument you fall on, I wanted to spark some sort of introspection. I'm sorry this didn't happen for you, but I do appreciate your honesty.

Quoted from LC Having said this, you write competently Brian.

That is a wonderful compliment, thank you!

Brian

Interesting.

Thought it was very well written. You did particularly well at creating tension and building a sense of suspense whilst going through the routine of the procedure. You could really feel her discomfort.

Funnily enough I've written a similar piece on the subject, mine's provisionally called "The difference a foot makes". It was inspired by the fact that whilst a child is inside a woman's body you can legally kill them, but once it's out it's murder.

Basically it's not a question of morality, but a simple question of geography.

Hey Brian,

Thought I'd give this a look since you're always putting effort into my posts.
Decent melodrama with some solid imagery and awkward moments.
I think you telegraphed Wade's sliminess a bit much.
And the orphans Jeff mentioned were distracting at times.

As to the conclusion, well, it didn't quite work for me.
I like the foreshadowing with the art in the office.
However, the reality is, this doctor wouldn't last five minutes in the internet age.
He'd be outed pronto like Kevorkian at an Up with People concert.

If he were some doctor that Fundamentalist folks used on the sly, I could see it.
Then you can bring the parents and they can come off all supportive as well.
Only to discover they are in on the "treatment" that their daughter will receive.
Using the situation as some twisted sermon on their sullied child, etc.
In the moment, that's all I came up with.

Honestly, I think Cindy's idea is a stunner and economical to boot.

Good work. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Okay....  Leaving aside any political assumptions I might make about this script...

One definite positive: good, clean writing.  The script reads very smooth, and quickly.  Congrats, good work...!

A few negatives/problems I had with the script:

* Venerable - not sure you can refer to someone in their forties that way

* Honestly - if I walked into a clinic for an abortion, and found the walls decorated with garish religious paintings...?  I think I would have left right then.  Kind of a tell-tale sign.

* When Dr. McCorvey calls Natalee "Sweetie", it just rings wrong.  I know that was meant to be a foreshadowing for future developments re: Dr. McCorvey's character, but it just didn't work for me.

* I think that most people would react with anger at the discovery of the polaroid.  Though Natalee's reaction is possible if she's from a religious background, and dealing with guilt due to her decision.  So it's not entirely unrealistic.  But less likely than other possible reactions...

* I do agree with other reviewers that this Dr. wouldn't have lasted after pulling this on even one - maybe two - patients.  So there's the unbelievability issue at work, here.  Unavoidable in this scenario.

* It's not that I'm against scripts that argue the political and moral issues of abortion - I've been known to delve into moral issues quite a few times myself in my writing.  But this one just seemed like a shallow, quick slap in the face at the end.  It missed the depth that would really make this work.

* As a female, I can assure you: there WOULD be a nurse in the room during the procedure.  


A few thoughts from my end, FWIW.

Hey Rick -

Curious to read that one, BTW.  (Though it's not *just* an issue of geography.  It's also a question of viability, and the stage of development.  Aren't third trimester abortions illegal in most states...?)

Cheers,

--J

SPOILERS, I GUESS


I agree with Dressel.  It's well written, but very unbelievable.  If the doctor is against abortions, he wouldn't perform them.  All in all, this read like a pro-life PSA.another

Other problems I had:

1.  The procedure starts in one room and finishes in other;
2.  A female nurse isn't present during the procedure;
3.  Natalee wasn't given any anesthesia (even a local);
4.  The doctor was so casual with her.  "Call me Wade," and "Sweetie."

How long do you think a doctor who did these things would last?


VA, what do you mean that you cosign Dressel?


Phil

I think this was very well written. I enjoy your action prose. Paints a good picture in few words.

I agree with others about believability, I like beating a dead horse. I don't want to touch the subject matter, but, if you really wanted to punch this up, I would add some flashbacks of natalee being born and interlace them with her current abortion. One makes it, another does not. Why? I love the title btw. Good work overall.

James

James, that's a really good suggestion.  The flashbacks wouldn't make it more believable but it would make it a more intense art piece.

While I still disagree about the believability issue, I got to back Michael up and agree that's a good suggestion, Wentster. It adds something else.

Congrats to Brian as well for producing a script to generate a lot of interest and some good points of divergence re: the angle the script takes with the subject matter. A good thread to read.

This was really good!

I wouldn't call it horror though. Horrific yes, but not horror as in the genre.

I'm pretty sure that no doctor nowadays go in alone to a ob/gyn exam without a second person there though.

Not much to add here. I think you did a great job!!

Pia  :)

Hey,
I always like a little ambiguity, and thought the writing was spot on.
I didn't like the outcome so much, and think you should expand on characters. Make this less biased.

Quoted from Dressel While the piece was well-written,

At least I have that going for me. :)

Quoted from Dressel it was incredibly implausible and emotionally manipulative (and not in a good way).

Plausibility wasn't necessarily the first thing on my mind. Emotionally manipulative? Maybe just a tad, but I wasn't exactly trying to take one side over the other, I wanted to get under the skin of both sides.

Quoted from Dressel This would just flat-out never happen.  Especially multiple times in the same office, as it's implied.

Quoted from Dressel it's not realistic for several reasons.  One, in this day and age, if there was a doctor that was doing this, it would be ALL over very quickly.  Yelp, google, newspapers, etc.  Especially seeing as there are some very strong women that go into abortion clinics who would have a very strong reaction to this.  They wouldn't all break down. Second, if the doctor is a Christian (which it implies), it's unrealistic that ANY Christian would ever perform abortions just so he could rub it in the face of those he's doing it to.  It just flat out makes no sense.  The idea would make any actual Christian sick.

I do understand there is a lack of clarity here, so let me divulge more info. First off, this is meant to be surrealistic. Second, the painting on the wall, the absolutely empty 'waiting' room, Natalee's last name (Bishop), and her reaction to the photos were supposed to lead readers to conclude that things are a bit different here; that Natalee is a Christian, just like the doctor. The 'shame of sin' would keep her quiet about what happened. Hypocrisy runs rampant throughout the world: politics, religion, financial, you name the institution and you can find hypocrisy. This is more a commentary piece on hypocrisy than anything.

I'm a Christian. I live in a community that is extremely Christian, where just the word "abortion" might actually cause people on the street to gasp. YET, I know some families where the parents would have a 'secret' abortion in order to protect the image that their teenage girl is still chaste and celibate. An example that isn't such the hot-button issue, but to demonstrate my point; in my faith, the abuse of drugs is a sin. There is a city nearby me, where roughly 85% of the 200,000 people that live there share my faith. And yet, this city is always near the top of the national lists (USA) for per capita prescription drug abuse. This is where I'm coming from on this. Sometimes those that speak the loudest about an issue on the outside, are the worst violators of their own philosophy behind closed doors.

As far as this doctor being a Christian and performing abortions so he can rub it in the girls' faces? I've mentioned this earlier, but I'll say it again. There are 'PRO-LIFE' activists that will kill someone to make their views known. How many abortion clinics have been bombed, how many doctors have been killed by so-called-christians? Once again, hypocrisy. I took that and flipped it around.

I'm not meaning this to disregard yours, or anyone's comments, I'm only trying to give more insight into where I was coming from when I wrote this. I so appreciate you reading and commenting. I'm actually thinking about developing this 'idea' into a feature, and so comments like yours are very helpful for me in knowing where I've missed the mark.

Thank you again,

Brian  

Hey Brian

I think Matthew may have missed the point, or I did. The doctor I assumed was not attempting to rub this in the girl's face. He did this to discourage her from allowing it to happen again.

Unethical and creepy? Sure. That was the point here.

Maybe the doctor is retiring. Maybe after this week he's giving up his practice to become a screen writer. It doesn't take much imagination to conceive of possibilities that allow one to suspend disbelief.

Is the doctor sick? Yes! Again, I thought that was a big part of the story. There are plenty of people who pervert their religion to justify some perversion or other. And plenty of movies that have had such characters in them.

Brian, you know I liked the story, I don't know if this has feature potential. And the reaction to it was more unfavorable than not, so I would take that into consideration. And as Janet made clear, this really might piss women off, and I understand that, and understand it much better after reading her review.

Hey Bri -

In general (since Kevin brought me back into the fray) - I have to state that I *don't* have a problem with a short discussing the moral dilemmas of abortion.  Just one look at Casualty of War, or Vegging Out will tell you that I enjoy a philosophical fight as much as the next person...and probably much more than most.

And though I'm pro-choice myself, I'd relish a story that landed mostly on the other side, as long as it's nuanced.  Heck, if one buys the concept that fetuses have a right to life, I honestly don't see the problem with killing doctors to protect them.  That'd be self-defense of an innocent life, which I'm sure is exactly what the more extreme pro-lifers argue.

My problems with Ignoble are more a writer's issue.  

Please understand that I *do* respect you as a writer, Brian - and look forward to reading other scripts of yours.  

But for me, the ending of Ignoble is too abrupt.  And there are too many issues with believability.  Show me that Natalee had religious misgivings before going into the procedure, to justify her passive acceptance of the photos.   Make the hints more subtle, both in the waiting room and with the Dr's character foibles.  And I also tentatively like an earlier reviewer suggestion, that Dr. McCorvey *not* do this regularly...this is just his last gasp, before retiring from an industry that he's grown to find abhorrent.  

In other words, give Ignoble more depth.   And more gray areas.  At least, if you're looking to develop it further.

And definitely add the nurse in the examination room.  Trust me, it's just...done that way. :))))

Hey, Janet, I meant that with all due respect. I realized that when I first read this I had not given enough consideration for the female perspective. I like the idea of testing ideas like this in shorts before expanding to a feature, and I think with a topic like this it's really useful to get female feedback if you're a male writer. You gave a great review from that perspective that gave me more insight and expanded my initial reaction to the story. I can't speak for Brian, but it seems he took it the same way.

Hey Kev (and Brian) -

Really, not offended at all...please don't think that I am.  :)  

Just feeling quite strongly regarding these various aspects of the script.  

Honestly, the thing I find hardest to swallow is the abruptness of the ending, and how Natalee just accepts it so passively....  That's what really makes it feel like an anti-abortion PSA to me (as Phil referred to it earlier in the reviews.)

A shocker to be sure.  The ending is so extreme I'm sure no one saw it coming.  The writing was clean and the mood was clear.  I am always a fan of scripts with bare minimalistic dialogue v.s. long paragraphs of dialogue because films with sparse language delivered well always resonates with more power.  Yes the ending is far out but that was what I felt you were going for.  You wanted to create something that would make waves and you did that in spades.  This short will have a polarizing effect on readers who want to argue realism v.s. fantasy but it is a work of fiction so there are liberties to be taken.  Good writing.  Can't wait to read more.

Again, thank you all for reading this. I'm actually very pleased with the feedback you all are giving me; thoughtful, honest, and definitely insightful. If any of you have anything you want me to look at, let me know through email or pm, or even just email me the script.

To quickly clarify, when I mentioned toying with the idea of turning this into a feature, I only mean that I'm exploring the possibility. I think many of you have brought up some legitimate concerns. As far as the feature would go, however, the doctor would be older and he wouldn't distribute pictures after the procedure. My idea is that he runs everything above board before, during and after the procedure with one drastic exception: at some point during the procedure he does some sort of mutilation that prevents that woman from getting pregnant. Whatever he does is very subtle and unnoticed by the other staff members in the room. I want this guy to be the sum of evil. This couldn't be portrayed in a short, so I went with the picture idea. If I do develop this into a feature, my approach would be an angle more like SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, and trying to get into the head of this sick bastard.

So we'll see if the idea fleshes out or not. Thanks again everyone for looking at this.

Brian