Subject A by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Short, Action, Sci Fi - The first successful subject of a top secret military operation fights for revenge. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

I like these kind of Sci-Fi stories, despite the nastiness (for some reason Sci-Fi, even when it's NOT Horror-based, freaks me out more than Horror some of the time). It was kinda depressing, but good for some escapism.

I'm not a huge fan of including character descriptions in parentheticals, especially when one is described and the rest aren't. But it's not like it matters considering how short the script is. That being said:

Quoted Text His gaze focuses on a house out of his side window where a car pulls into the drive.

Reads a bit clunky to me. I'd try shorter sentences, like: He looks out his side window, gazes at a house as a car pulls into its driveway.

Some of the V.O dialogue -- and I am guilty of doing this too -- is EXTREMELY expository. I'd suggest toning it down, if only just a little bit. I know it's hard to tell a "large scale story on a small scale" without severley overbudgeting the piece.

I liked some of the visuals in the beginning with the guy as a disembodied head.

I really enjoyed the conclusion; it was like a short-story payoff. However, I think it would be cooler if Sub.A didn't remove the chip from his brain and the chip in his head would have caused the explosion instead when he shot himself! It'd be funny and ironic seeing the doctor killed by his own safety measure.

Oh, well; I did enjoy this. Didn't blow me away, but it was good.

--Julio

Thanks for posting, Don. This was my entry for moviepoet last month.

SR

Yeah, I had Robocop in mind when writing this. It's not really too deep so not really any danger in overthinking it.

Julio

With the VO, I had an idea that it was all going to be a recording that he made for the media - leaving a tape in his car for them to find. I just found the VO route was the easiest and fastest way to explain what was going on.

Pleased you enjoyed the conclusion. Funny, your idea for the end is similar to what a friend of mine suggested. I might have a play around with that idea.

Cheers Ste
P.S. If one of the Mods could amend the thread title to Subject A instead of just 'Subject' that would be great.

Hey Stephen.

I love this kind of sci-fi. The "Circuitry Man" type of head does come across as slightly camp and goofy, but I like that.

I thought this was really well done for a 5 pager, with a suitable conclusion. I really dug the scene with his family being assassinated. Cliche ridden, but that doesn't stop it being entertaining. Well done.

RE: the chip in his head. I agree with Reeper that you could something better that having him simply remove it. Wouldnt the tech guys have thought about counter measure to stop the removal? Like the 'Classified' objective in Murphy's programming in Robocop?

Cheers for the read, enjoyed.

Ste,

I remember reading this and really enjoying it, so thought I'd post it again here.

Well done.

Greg

hey Stephen,

I definitely agree with Reaper Creeper regarding the ending.

Overall i found the script to be mediocre and cliche. it wasnt bad. it just didnt bring anything new to the table. the story's formula has been done countless times before and i found myself rolling my eyes while reading this. the story feels like something you'd find in a video game. while fun to play, its not very fun to read.

the writing was pretty good however. a bit jumpy with all the flashbacks, but that's to be expected given the nature of the story.

perhaps im being a bit harsh. there are plenty of movies that dont reinvent the formula but go through the motions really well (ie The Crazies). i think you have a well written short here, but i would consider rewriting this one to make it stick out a bit more. just my two cents.

thanks for posting and i look forward to reading your future works.

Hey Stephen,

Good to see a new short from you.
This one was definitely rocking the Universal Soldier vibe big time.
It combines many elements from existing features, very expensive short.
The flashbacks made it choppy at times, but didn't derail my read.
It did seem odd to me how easy it was for him to rebel.
You'd think there would be safeguards in place to prevent chip removal.
I guess the spray on his body was some kind of bullet resistant teflon?
Not badly written and I like the closing shot.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Stephen,

Nice short.  :)

You gave us a lot of action and a full story in just 5 pages. You held my interest and
I liked the story, but then again, I liked Robo cop, too.  :)

The VOs don't bother me like they do some other people, and I think with them in this short it helped to let us know the whole story in the short 5 pages.

So I say well done.

Cindy

Hey Ste, what up, mate?

I liked this for what it is.  I don't like heavy V.O. scripts, but this still is pretty solid, IMO.  

I didn't like the constant "Subject A" in all the action/description lines, though.  I think you should have substituted "he" a number of times.

But, the sheer brutality of the whole thing wins out in the end. You took no prisoners and because of that, it's a success in my eyes.

Good job.

Hey Stephen

A solid short for a 5 page entry. I have to admit, there was nothing in it that really captured my imagination because nothing really broke the mold here. It was all pretty routine. But the writing was effective, shows this ain't your first rodeo.

I'm sure you considered some different twists you could do with the story to break it out of the mold, but the 5 page Moviepoet limitation prevents that. Within that context, this is decent work.

Kevin

Thanks for the reads, folks.

Basket Case
Yeah, I guess there should be an over-ride with the micro-chip to stop it's removal, but I think as the memory of the subject is removed the tech-guys wouldn't expect him to know about it.

Greg
Thanks again for checking this out earlier on. Pleased you liked it.

Albino
Yeah, I agree this isn't the most original story but I think there are elements that make it my own. Maybe an extended version would allow me to concentrate more on those elements.

Electric Dreamer
Yeah, the spray was to make his skin act like metal. His body is flesh but with the strength of metal. I was wondering if that came across clearly?

Cindy
Respect to all Robocop fans ;) Pleased you liked it.

Jeff
Pleased you liked it mate. I went for a full-on approach with the violence in this and tried for a noir vibe to it.

Kevin
Yeah, there were a few different ideas I thought about but they all took it beyond the 5 pages and made it quite complicated. Pleased you liked it for what it was.

Thanks again.

Ste

This read like a very condensed feature.  You set things up to quickly and you rush to its completion.  I couldn't feel for any of the characters because there wasn't enough time to develop any.


Phil   7000th post!

Hey Ste, what's been going on?

I don't know how I feel about this one.  One thing I do know is that the story's too big for 5 pages, and I didn't like how it was rushed.  (Maybe rushed isn't the right word here, because I can tell you did put a lot of thought into this.)  I didn't like how it was impounded and compacted.

I understand it was for a moviepoet thing, but as it is at 5 pages I can't get the full enjoyment out of it that the story could have.

Others have mentioned that the two different flashbacks made things choppy, but didn't get in the way of their read.  For me, they did get in the way of the read.  Mainly because I was left confused at first.

I understood the first flashback, of bringing the soldier back.  (Very Universal Soldier by the way.  I even pictured Subject A as Dolph Lundgren.)

But the second flashback was what threw me off.  I was really lost at first as to when that flashback took place.  I eventually figured it out, but not without having to think about it, (which is what made me stop reading and got in the way of the story).

I did like how things came together at the end, (RE: Open your eyes... open your eyes), and I do agree you should have the chip exploding as a safety precaution at the end, rather than just him planting explosives.

There's a good story here, (probably not a totally original story, as its been compared to a bunch of different movies already, and you even said heavily influenced by Robocop in particular), but a good story nonetheless.  But for me, it doesn't work in a 5 page confinement.

- Mark

Cheers Phil/Mark

Yeah, I see what you both mean. Should maybe write an extended version of this now that I don't have the page restraints due to the Moviepoet comp.

Thanks for the reads.

Ste

Quoted from stebrown Electric Dreamer Yeah, the spray was to make his skin act like metal. His body is flesh but with the strength of metal. I was wondering if that came across clearly?

Hey Ste,

Oh, I got it, but it did lead to a question.
Why the heck didn't the poor schmucks that came after him get sprayed too. :P

E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Hey Ste, Oh, I got it, but it did lead to a question. Why the heck didn't the poor schmucks that came after him get sprayed too. :P E.D.

Good question...

It would kill the living as it stops the skin from 'breathing'. Hence Subject A can have it done because he's already dead.

Thought that this was ok, but not much more. Can't really be done in five pages - it was more like a script for a trailer - good - but it deserves a lot more to it that was available - it is also too much like a reworking of Terminator - give this fifty pages and flesh out some characters, and there's a good script here, but nothing that hasn't been done before.

I enjoyed this script. My only critique would be the story of an artificial soldier seeking vengeance has been done to death in this particular genre. I do commend you for packing so much into 5 pages, It may have made the exposition a little daunting but at least it's never boring.

The only thing about the ending is I didn't want Subject A to kill himself, but thats just me, I don't like tragedy.

Overall a very nice quick read.