Brown by Finlay - Short, Drama - 2nd year film project. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was a bit of a rough read with all the grammatical errors and large blocks of action/description. Two suggestions: proofread and break the large chunks into separate paragraphs.

Now looking past the mechanics of the script to the story... To be honest, there wasn't much here to captivate me. It played rather straight and went with conventions. I was waiting for something to change or catch me by surprise, but it carried out as a typical  addict story. It didn't do too much for me.

Brian

I agree with Brian about proofreading this.  It was choppy and the errors in it are a big turn off.

This script read like a scene of a larger piece.  As a story, it's incomplete.  I felt nothing for the characters.


Phil

The camera directions and "we see's" were distracting. I agree, the large chunks of paragraphs didn't work. I thought the story line was okay.

Peter

The problem (I found this out while in film school) with many young writers, or wannabe writers, is that they throw in swearing to make their film be cool. This was the type of vibe I got from this script.

Formatting issues left right and centre, it reads like a shooting scripts, which shouldn't be posted here. Shooting scripts are for the director, not the writer.

Break up those big paragraphs, they turn off the reader. Think of each new shot as a new line in the script. It breaks things up nicely down the page for the reader to continue on.

I have to say that the story itself didn't engage me very much. Feels like you wanted to copy your favourite films and did so in a screenplay, didn't try to inject any of yourself into it.

Just my two cents.

Finlay, I believe I've read this script before (although I think the first one was a bit longer). Did you rewrite it and repost it? If so, you're supposed to note that its a rewrite when you resubmit it to Don.

oh and please please please get rid of the clock at the beginning of the story. its way overdone.

okay. Needs some dramatic edge. A lot of the action sequences where just matter-of-fact; they needed something a little extra to draw you in. Big chunks of dialogue didn't work, they needed breaking down somewhat.

Story felt like it needed to come full circle - could you start these people off alone, bring them together for their common need, then show them alone at the end?

Ending was bleak, and therefore slow, so I think this needs some kind of reflection in the body of the work?

Well i agree to some extent with the others but I also understand that it is a Short film for your 2nd year film project.

which tells me that you are learning correct format, grammer, spelling, etc. so I'm not going to go into that. I also know from experience that you are not going to hand this in to any major production company, if im guessing right this is for you as a guide to when your filming.

so formatting and grammer aside i will say the story caught me....but was too bleak for it to be interesting. Like SiColl007 said, "Story felt like it needed to come full circle" which is exactly right. The characters where written in a way as if we were meant to have known them already, like this is the continuation of a TV episode we missed. If the story had the chance to start and end at the same junction, we would feel we came along for the WHOLE ride not just turning up in the middle of it.

If i was going to sum it all up, this is a good ending to a narrative with no beginning or middle.