Give Me A Sign by Robert L. McBride - Short - Still hurt by the death of her parents,  Lauren is determined to finish school and live the life she's always wanted.  Her only setback is her boyfriend Danny, who seems to only build her up to break her down.  With some life changing decisions ahead of her, she needs to know if she's headed in the right direction. 16 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi’ Robert.
  
It’s been a while since I’ve given critique, so if I’m a little rusty you’ll have to forgive me.

I’m sorry Robert this one didn’t do anything for me. I read it a couple of times to try and get into it but it just didn’t happen.

Telling the back story in the V.O. didn’t really work for me. The dialogue felt forced and unnatural and the characters two dimensional.

I felt nothing for Lauren, when I should have either pitied or admired her. Danny just seemed like a non entity; I didn’t like him, I didn’t hate him; I just didn’t care.

None of your characters seemed to have any real motivation, nothing to make this dramatic enough to stand up.

Ideas…

Take them, don’t take them, whatever!

Make your heroine flawed. Perhaps she feels in some way responsible for her parents’ death and the way Danny treats her is condine. Put her through the grinder. Let’s see Danny beat the crap out of her and let her go back begging for more because that’s all she feels she deserves.

If Danny’s going to be a Minister, make him a zealot who believes he can do no wrong because God’s on his side; give the guy some motivation for being a dick.

Maybe the fear that the next beating could end the life of her unborn child changes Lauren; gives her the spark to grow stronger, independent.

In the end, Lauren emerges as a much stronger person. She’s grown! If you can make sure Danny get’s his on the way, so much the better.

You know what I’m saying?

Give us something to hang our hat on, even if that means killing her and him getting away with it. Perhaps he could be ordained at the end, wearing a smug grin, whatever! At the moment you’ve got nothing, at least in MHO.

I hope somebody else looks at this. I’m so rusty I’m creaking.