Umbrage by Breanne Mattson - Thriller - A former Interpol agent is dragged into a plot involving the terrorist organization that killed his wife and the search for a mysterious assassin who seems to know him. 127 pages. - pdf, format 8)

Thanks Don.

To all:

Umbrage was originally posted at Simply Scripts in 2006. It was entered into the Nicholl Fellowships in 2010. Although only around the top 5% advance to the quarterfinals, I was notified by Nicholl staff that the script made it into the top 10%.

I welcome any and all criticism but please understand that I have no intention of rewriting this script without the possibility of it being sold or produced.

Thanks everyone. :)


Breanne

Hey Breanne

Spoilers

I only had time for the first 10 pages, will come back later. For the most part, outstanding start for a film/script. Quick build up of suspense, strong visual, and it felt good when the Witch killed her terrorist guard. Also did a very good job of building curiosity about who the witch is.

I had two minor issues, or an issue and a question.

First the question: what was the deal with the prints? did the terrorists give the FBI finger prints of their hostages? How and why? I didn't understand that, though I know you needed to have the FBI introduce the Witch to us.

The only writing issue I had was the end of page 9 when Salman tries to take the daughter and the Witch strikes him. I had to read that paragraph 3 times to understand what happened. The problem is more on my end, and it wouldn't be a problem in film. Just thought I would point out.

This does seem like a very marketable idea. Not sure where you are going with the Witches references to Greek and Viking gods, but I look forward to finding out over the next couple days!

Kevin

Congrats on the Nicholl thing!

I remember this script pretty clearly. I thought you did a great job on it, but I imagine the current version being quite different.

Rock on! You're one of the stars here at SS!!  

Kevin,

Thank you for the feedback. I was really surprised to see something here so fast.

Quoted from leitskev First the question: what was the deal with the prints? did the terrorists give the FBI finger prints of their hostages? How and why? I didn't understand that, though I know you needed to have the FBI introduce the Witch to us.

Yes, prints were sent to the FBI. The terrorists wanted them to know who their hostages were. I could explain further but I’ll hold off since it’s explained later in the script.

Quoted from leitskev The only writing issue I had was the end of page 9. . . I had to read that paragraph 3 times to understand what happened. The problem is more on my end, and it wouldn't be a problem in film. Just thought I would point out.

Point taken. The inference is that we only see the lower portion of the action. I can understand how readers can get the shots jumbled up in their minds. I’ll keep that in mind for future reference.

Thank you, Kevin. :)

Quoted from Grandma Bear Congrats on the Nicholl thing! I remember this script pretty clearly. I thought you did a great job on it, but I imagine the current version being quite different. Rock on! You're one of the stars here at SS!!

Thank you, Pia.

Regarding the Nicholl thing, it’s not too big of a deal but it’s still nice to know where you landed. :)

This version is quite a bit “filled out” from the original script but it’s still the same basic story. It’s the type of movie I would love to see.

Star? I don’t know about that but I’ve learned never to question someone giving me a compliment. :)

Thank you.


Breanne

Hello Breanne,

I'm in a holding pattern on my work, a breezy read was just what the doctor ordered.
I only intended to read the first third, as I typically do on peer reviews.
However, your pages are super delicious and I read to half way this morning.

That's rare for me, the best way I can describe this script is, engaging.
It's not particularly remarkable at anything, but it does everything pretty darn well.
It's broad and entertaining, without being silly.
It employs a fair amount of cliches, but never dwells on them.
The action so far stretches belief, but never goes too far into popcorn blockbuster.

I read an early draft of "Salt" and this reminds of it in a few superficial ways.
The reason I bring up that script is because there is one thing it does much better.
Action description, it's my biggest criticism of the first half of the script.
I found myself skimming those big blocks to get back to your narrative thread.
"Salt" rarely, if ever, had mroe than two lines of description before a line break.
You're up to four and even five sometimes, fairly regularly.
If you got some heat on this, I'd trim that down pretty fast.

Other than that and the left field field agent sex, I don't have much to say right now.

Looking forward to continuing this soon!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer ... your pages are super delicious and I read to half way this morning.

This is the first time my work has ever been called delicious. And super delicious at that. I can’t think of anything more flattering. Thank you. :)

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Action description, it's my biggest criticism of the first half of the script. I found myself skimming those big blocks to get back to your narrative thread.

Hmm. Not sure if you’re saying some of the action is unnecessary. That certainly wasn’t intentional. I think part of this can be chalked up to different writing styles. For one, Salt is an action flick while Umbrage is a thriller that happens to have a lot of action in it. To me, this story requires a slightly slower pace. One of my favorite things about these types of stories is the way the lives of characters intersect.

I do agree with you, though. There’s always some way to write it better. There’s always room for improvement. I’ll keep an eye on it in the future.

Thank you, E.D. :)


Breanne

Quoted from Breanne Mattson Hmm. Not sure if you’re saying some of the action is unnecessary. That certainly wasn’t intentional. I think part of this can be chalked up to different writing styles. For one, Salt is an action flick while Umbrage is a thriller that happens to have a lot of action in it. To me, this story requires a slightly slower pace. One of my favorite things about these types of stories is the way the lives of characters intersect. I do agree with you, though. There’s always some way to write it better. There’s always room for improvement. I’ll keep an eye on it in the future. Thank you, E.D. :) Breanne

Let me rephrase this...
Your narrative trumped my interest in reading every line of action description.
I found myself tripping over the four and five line blocks to get back to dialogue.
It's not a huge stumbling block, but I want to offer some kind of constructive criticism.
I don't feel I missed anything, but occasionally, the big blocks were a bit of a hurdle.

Does that make more sense?

E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Let me rephrase this... Your narrative trumped my interest in reading every line of action description. I found myself tripping over the four and five line blocks to get back to dialogue. It's not a huge stumbling block, but I want to offer some kind of constructive criticism. I don't feel I missed anything, but occasionally, the big blocks were a bit of a hurdle. Does that make more sense?

Yes, I think I understand. You’re apparently referring to the dialogue specifically as the narrative. It sounds strange to me to hear someone say they skipped the description to get to the narrative. I consider the description part of the narrative.

If you’re skipping over blocks of description because my writing isn’t compelling enough, then I will certainly work on that. If it’s because you don’t think description blocks should ever be five lines, then that would be something we disagree on. I believe sometimes a script can be served by it.

I hope that doesn’t come off as defensive. The description certainly may need to be broken up. I’ll work on the issue. :)


Breanne

Great start with the misdirect. I wouldn't have Preston say "She." Just let it happen. We'll know and be more suprised.

It's over written on the action.

..............................

EXT. WOODS - DAY
The weeping woman is led blindly through forest growth. Her
bare feet are scratched and her dress keeps getting hung on
small bush limbs. Utbah pulls her along mercilessly.

EXT. CREEK BANK - DAY
Utbah emerges from the wood line, tugging his victim behind
him. They climb out onto the soft rock bed, alongside a
swiftly moving creek. Utbah forces her onto her knees.

VICTIM
Please don�t kill me. I�ll be
quiet, I swear.

....................

EXT. WOODS - DAY

Utbah drags the weeping woman into a clearing.

VICTIM
Please don't kill me. I'll be
quiet, I swear.

..................

I don't know why weeping woman is called VICTIM. Can be confusing.

Being by a stream is not important so you can cut it out. Her dress getting hung up is just action of being drug along and doesn't need to be written. All that is important is Utbah getting the woman set up to be shot in front of a camera. Nothing else matters to the scene, so don't clutter it up with unecessary description. Apply that across the board and you'll lose pages in a hurry.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson If you’re skipping over blocks of description because my writing isn’t compelling enough, then I will certainly work on that. If it’s because you don’t think description blocks should ever be five lines, then that would be something we disagree on. I believe sometimes a script can be served by it. I hope that doesn’t come off as defensive. The description certainly may need to be broken up. I’ll work on the issue. :) Breanne

Breanne,

I would say, I'm skimming the big blocks to get back to the story.
I think some of the action description is a tad overwritten.
And it stands out a bit in contrast to your tight dialog.
You're not being defensive, I see it as you being passionate, as you should be. :)
In the grand scheme, this is small potatoes, this reads...super delicious.
Very digestible pages, keeps me turning them as fast as I can. Yum!

E.D.

Breanne,

I finished the second half of the script this morning.
This is an entertaining read, fast moving thriller stuff.
The Cordial Killers slug, cracked me up.
I dug the needing the FBI to do something thing, very Die Hard.
I like the connection between your super assassin and the protag.
It didn't make perfect sense, her new identity, but I didn't care to fathom it much.
For me, that's not a big deal in these kind of thrillers.
Just has to make sense enough, you successfully suspended disbelief for me.

My complaint on the second half was I felt the climax was underwritten.
Your previous action sequences had a lot more detail than the lakeside shootout.
The Black Witch's sequence was nifty, but the rest was a bit unsatisfying.
I was a little disappointed we never escalated to explosives.
I kind wanted some pyrotechnics at the end. A boat chase? I dunno. Something.
I also would have liked a better wrap up with Joyce and Dunne.
You gave them enough chemistry that I think they deserve a coda.

Really entertaining read. Very fast pages. Kudos.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from cloroxmartini It's over written on the action... Being by a stream is not important so you can cut it out. Her dress getting hung up is just action of being drug along and doesn't need to be written. All that is important is Utbah getting the woman set up to be shot in front of a camera. Nothing else matters to the scene, so don't clutter it up with unecessary description. Apply that across the board and you'll lose pages in a hurry.

Cloroxmartini,

Thank you for reading and commenting. There’s a predominant view in this industry that cutting a description down to nearly nothing is always best. I don’t totally agree with that philosophy. I certainly understand what you’re getting at and I always work to make my descriptions as clear and concise as I can. It’s true that a lot of writers add unnecessary description. It’s also true, however, in my opinion, that descriptions can be trimmed to the point of being bland and destroying the writer’s voice.

Please don’t take this the wrong way but I don’t find your alternative to be very cinematic. As I said, I totally get your point. You’re right that I can cut down on description. I think that’s always the case. I will work on it but I’m not willing to sacrifice my voice for any reason, particularly to make my scripts look more like everyone else’s. Not saying that’s what you’re suggesting, just saying I think there’s more to consider than merely reducing to the lowest common denominator.

I hope that comes off the way I intended. I very much appreciate your comments and I’ll work on it. :)


Electric Dreamer,

Thank you for some terrific insights.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I like the connection between your super assassin and the protag. It didn't make perfect sense, her new identity, but I didn't care to fathom it much.

I cut a scene where Dunne speaks to someone from British Intelligence and more of her back story is revealed. I thought it was unnecessary. Maybe I was wrong.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer My complaint on the second half was I felt the climax was underwritten. Your previous action sequences had a lot more detail than the lakeside shootout. I kind wanted some pyrotechnics at the end. A boat chase? I dunno. Something.

Oh, now you’re complaining that it’s underwritten? :D Just kidding. I know what you mean. I agree. It could use some explosions. Why not?

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I also would have liked a better wrap up with Joyce and Dunne. You gave them enough chemistry that I think they deserve a coda.

You’re absolutely right. I was going to write a very heartwarming scene with the two of them in the medevac but didn’t. It’s something I now regret.

Thanks for your thoughts, both of you. I do take them in, digest them, and use them to improve. I truly appreciate it. :)


Breanne

If you had not written it the way you had, and written it in one or two lines, no one would know the difference. But because you wrote it, it's there. The seed is there. You can't take it back for you or anyone that's already read it.

Take that scene. If she is pushed. If she is drug. If she is shoved along. We fill in the blanks while we read. You put "woods" in the slug, so we know where we are. Dense Woods could mean something. Dragging means something. Is she drug kicking and screaming?

Is it important that her dress is torn or that she gets knicked along the way? If so, how could you say it? Drug along, torn and bloody? Something quick. The point of the first scene is to revel the international assasin in a really cool way, which you do. But it's a heavy read for an action movie.

It's not about current trends at all, it's about what does it take to set the scene in the fewest and choicest words possible. You don't have to do that everywhere, but every description has to have meaning in order to put it in there in the first place.

It just reads better and you're not sacrificing your artistic intergrity to do it.

You want to get into that top 1%, be a finalist, make 25 grand, this is where you need to go.

INT. FARMHOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
The hostages sit, some still crying.

SALMAN
Shut up! All of you!

The father still lies on the floor unconscious. His daughter
quietly sobs, scared to death. Salman pulls her to her feet.
Snug in front of him.

By his feet... the Black Witch is back in her original spot,
bag over her head. But now there’s a small hole. An ominous
eye. She springs from the floor... A SLICE. GURGLING.

Salman’s hands relax. His rifle drops. The crying girl
slides to the floor. Blood drips onto her bag from overhead.

Behind her... Salman’s boots quietly stagger with the woman’s
bare feet down the hallway.

What just happened here? Did the Black Witch just kill Salman?

Did Salman use the little girl as a human sheild?

Is the Black Witch by Salman's feet?

Whose bag is the blood dripping on?

What is happening with the stagger boots and the woman's feet?

It's confusing.

**I'll want to know how the locket got out of the rubble and in the possession of The Witch**

PRESTON
You’re a train wreck, Dunne.
You’re just as reckless today as
you were then.


Show me, don't tell me. All I know about Dunne is that he had this romantic moment and then some bad guys came in the office and he shot at them. Nothing reckless about that.

What comes to mind is TRUE LIES. We got to see Harry Tasker in action right from the start, so when Harry shows up in the Omega Sector and Spencer calls Harry out on what happened, we know it's good because we saw it.

Further...

DUNNE
Nobody complained when my
recklessness paid off.

PRESTON
You were a paranoid bastard.
That’s not the same thing as being
a good detective.

Dunne steps to the door.

DUNNE
You’re a pretentious asshole.
That’s not the same thing as being
a good leader.

Because I haven't seen Dunne in action, all of this comes off as plot filler. I have no idea of who Dunne is, what he is capable of. Why is he at odds with the feds here? Just to have conflict? Conflict is good and in these stories the hero is always in conflict with the suits...that's just the way it is. But if I don't know Dunne, then it comes off limp, like it does here. The solution is to give me Dunne early so I know him and what he is capable of. Here is where you might want to rethink how you open this story. Is it the Black Witch who is important, or is it Dunne? I'll find out as I read, but you need to think about that.

Joyce hesitates, nervous.

JOYCE
Do you think you could... put in a
word for me?

Dunne cracks a smile.

DUNNE
I’ll talk to him.

Is Dunne a teacher or is he an active agent currently teaching?

Hmmm...just who is the Black Witch?

Black Witch is caught leaving the Imam's room. Not buying it what with her meticulous planning and poisoning she didn't have an exit strategy? Surely she knew the agents were down stairs? It's action, it's cool, but how could she get herself into that shootout?


INT. FIRST LEVEL - NIGHT
The number of curious spectators has grown. The agent’s
lifeless body SMACKS the floor. Everyone jumps back in
shock. SCREAMS.

Curious spectators at a shootout? They'd be running out the front door.

Salt...

Okay. Page 40. What is the point here? Are the terrorists going to blow up something? Is the Witch going to go after someone big? What is at stake? There is nothing at stake. In order for me to care, there has to be something at stake and so far I've missed it.

I have to wonder why Paducah?

DUNNE
How’d you know we were after an
international assassin?

JOYCE
Huh?

DUNNE
You haven’t been briefed.

Joyce pauses in disbelief.

JOYCE
Wow. You really are paranoid.

No, Dunne isn't paranoid and Joyce should know that because not everyone knows at the same time. The real line would be we've been briefed, not you are paranoid. Dunne is just doing his job and he's keen on things, like the plumbers that shot up the place earlier. Joyce should know he made that call and that he's not paranoid.

There are SEVERAL BODYGUARDS. Senator SAMUEL MACDOUGALL,
60s, twice his wife’s age, stands on the other side.

She's 30, he's 60, don't write twice his wife's age.

MACDOUGALL

We should have seen him before he had Dunne beat up . It's a disconnect.

You’re giving up?

DUNNE
It’s been too long. I can’t do
this anymore.

Doesn't ring true here. What has he done but be a sidekick in all this? It's pity and hero's don't do pity.

JOYCE
I think I know who can tell us what
the emblem means.

What emblem? Ah, the thing on Witches shoulder.

The Black Witch shows up and takes Dunne on a journey. I like this more than anything I've read so far. There is a lot of truth in this scene. The Abby sequences are full of little truths. Not plot devices. I'm curious to see how it plays out. (turns out it doesn't mean anything).

Carla and Larissa id'd by their clothes in the end? Hmm...



Open with Black Witch to page 10

Page 10 intro Dunne

Page 11 Abby flashback to page 18

Page 19 Feds introduce themselves to Dunne.

Page 27 Feds go to hotel where Black Witch is chased to page 41.

Page 45 Dunne and Joyce hook up.

Page 59 Senator introduced, has Dunne beat up. Wife is beating victim.

Page 69 Sabeer tells Dunne what the emblem is and recounts a story.

Page 74 Black Witch comes into Dunne's room and takes him on a journey on the mind.

Page 84 We finally find out what this is all about, or at least some of it. Uranium enrichment.

Page 87 We learn how the Black Witch started.

Page 100 The mastermind is unmasked.
Bam bam finale with all revealed.

Lots of things going on. For me it doesn't get off fast enough. You did a nice job of tying it all back together. I don't believe the US would be that lax in the uranium department, but hey, this is the movies.

I stick by my comments that the action is over written. It's just too much plodding for an action movie. When Carla's past was being recounted, you didn't waste many words.

What do I think overall? It's not working for me. It lacks something. Maybe some of the things revealed in the last half should be foreshadowed in the beginning. Hooks. I don't get to know Dunne till much later and I should know him up front. I need to care about this guy. I don't know why Joyce has to have her past like she did. You've got Carla, Dunne, and Joyce with messed up pasts, although we don't know Carla's past is hers until later. It's too much. Only Riggs had issues and Murtaugh was the straight man.

Carla's thread is the strongest. She had motive all along. She developed her plan and lived it.

Maybe 3 lost souls is too much? Maybe Dunne should be more stable so he can help Joyce better. Or Joyce can be more stable so she can help Dunne better? Not sure.

Who is the protag here? Do we have too many leads? Dunne and Carla? In the end, Carla becomes the lead. Dunne kind of fades out and I don't remember him.

Who do I remember? Carla. That's who I remember. I remember that the plot was to get nuke material for terrorists. That is thwarted by Carla.

The main plot is a little thin but in line with general terrorist plots with a little help from US Senators who want a little extra cash. Sniper had that in it (the Senator).

So I'd make Dunne more memorable and maybe not have him washed up.

Cut the sad sacks down to one.

Carla is good, maybe too good, the Joker in Batman, but Carla is so much stronger than Dunne it's not working.

That's my first blush.

Had some more thoughts about Dunne...Dunne seems to be along for the ride. Carla is not HIS target. Carla is the Feds' target. But then Carla is not even the target of the Feds, the Arabs are the targets. Or are they. There doesn't seem to be much going on for anyone to go AFTER, they just follow along this little story until the Senator has Dunne beat to a pulp. Then the story develops. But back to Dunne...in Batman, the Joker WAS the target. Here, Carla is NOT the target even though she is chased because she was at the scene of a crime. When she's gone, the focus is off her and back on to why are the Arabs in Kentucky.

If the Black Witch was Dunne's target, it would make the ending much stronger. As I said, Carla is strong, but she is not the villian here, so there is really no true conflict between Dunne and Carla. I think that's what is fundamentally missing. You create some major emotional stuff between them and it gets sidetracked with the terrorist stuff. Maybe you could overhaul the whole story and see how it could revolve around Dunne and Carla. Cut Joyce completely out of it.

Quoted from cloroxmartini If you had not written it the way you had, and written it in one or two lines, no one would know the difference. But because you wrote it, it's there. The seed is there. You can't take it back for you or anyone that's already read it. Take that scene. If she is pushed. If she is drug. If she is shoved along. We fill in the blanks while we read. You put "woods" in the slug, so we know where we are. Dense Woods could mean something. Dragging means something. Is she drug kicking and screaming? Is it important that her dress is torn or that she gets knicked along the way? If so, how could you say it? Drug along, torn and bloody? Something quick. The point of the first scene is to revel the international assasin in a really cool way, which you do. But it's a heavy read for an action movie. It's not about current trends at all, it's about what does it take to set the scene in the fewest and choicest words possible. You don't have to do that everywhere, but every description has to have meaning in order to put it in there in the first place. It just reads better and you're not sacrificing your artistic intergrity to do it. You want to get into that top 1%, be a finalist, make 25 grand, this is where you need to go.

Cloroxmartini,

I understand what you’re saying. Some readers are going to look at it and say it’s over described. Others will look at it and say how nice it is to read something that doesn’t sound like a laundry list of actions.

This isn’t an action movie, it’s a thriller. And actually, yes, I do think it’s important to show the things I describe. I think shots of her bare feet being scratched or her dress getting hung lend to the story. Inferring action is one thing. What you’re suggesting is to strip the action down to the point of it essentially being a sort of list. I’m sorry but I don’t think that’s the best solution.

You’re right, however, that the script can be improved. I do appreciate you pointing out things that bothered you as a reader. That’s always useful in some way. It pushes me to strive to make it better. For that, I sincerely thank you.

For the record, a Nicholl Fellowship winner receives $30,000. I didn’t enter this script this year because I’ve since written scripts I think have a better chance of winning. I do hope reading this script and seeing its flaws help you win one. That’s why I posted it here. So people can see a script that came close to the quarterfinals. It’s hard to find scripts from the competition online. I thought this script might serve some writers by letting them see its flaws - and hopefully some things they felt were done right. :)

Too much description may have very well been the reason the script didn’t advance. Without any actual feedback from Nicholl staff readers, I can’t say with certainty. The script was entered as a thriller. I think the subgenre was drama. I can’t recall but I’m relatively certain I would never have applied with the subgenre of action. I don’t consider it an action flick at all. I consider it a thriller and a drama that happens to have a lot of action in it.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Did Salman use the little girl as a human sheild?

Quoted from the script His daughter quietly sobs, scared to death. Salman pulls her to her feet. Snug in front of him.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Is the Black Witch by Salman's feet?

Quoted from the script By his feet... the Black Witch is back in her original spot, bag over her head.

Then, moments later:

Quoted from the script She springs from the floor...

At this point, she is standing.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Whose bag is the blood dripping on?

Quoted from the script The crying girl slides to the floor. Blood drips onto her bag from overhead.

Quoted from cloroxmartini What is happening with the stagger boots and the woman's feet?

Quoted from the script She (the Black Witch) springs from the floor... A SLICE. GURGLING. (These are sounds.) Salman’s hands relax. His rifle drops. The crying girl slides to the floor. Blood drips onto her (the crying girl’s) bag from overhead. Behind her (the crying girl)... Salman’s boots quietly stagger with the woman’s (the Black Witch’s) bare feet down the hallway.

Quoted from cloroxmartini What just happened here? Did the Black Witch just kill Salman?

That is the way it appears and it’s definitively answered in a few moments.

I think maybe you’re reading it so fast, in such a hurry to find things wrong, that you’re missing things. Most of your questions are answered in the description.

Quoted from cloroxmartini **I'll want to know how the locket got out of the rubble and in the possession of The Witch**

That’s answered later. Surely you don’t expect to be handed everything right up front.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Show me, don't tell me. All I know about Dunne is that he had this romantic moment and then some bad guys came in the office and he shot at them. Nothing reckless about that.

I don’t agree that there’s nothing reckless about it. He leaves citizens behind in danger while he pursues suspects without backup.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Is Dunne a teacher or is he an active agent currently teaching?

I think this is answered in the script.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Hmmm...just who is the Black Witch?

That’s answered later in the script.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Black Witch is caught leaving the Imam's room. Not buying it what with her meticulous planning and poisoning she didn't have an exit strategy? Surely she knew the agents were down stairs?

How exactly would she know that if she was upstairs with the imam the whole time?

Quoted from cloroxmartini Curious spectators at a shootout? They'd be running out the front door.

The action is on the fourth floor. They’re not even sure what’s happening yet. When the action moves downstairs, they do run.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Salt...

If you’re comparing any part of my script to the movie Salt, this was written before that and I can prove it.

Quoted from cloroxmartini What do I think overall? It's not working for me. It lacks something. Maybe some of the things revealed in the last half should be foreshadowed in the beginning.

Everything in the last half is foreshadowed in the first half. Not sure what you’re talking about here.

I’m going to stop here because you’re really just comparing it to a bunch of other films and not really giving it a chance on its own terms.

You didn’t like it. I get it. It’s not for everyone. I’m certain that if I had the financing I could turn this into a killer film. It’s meant to be its own film, not a clone of someone else’s.

I’m sorry you didn’t like it. I want to be the best writer I can be but I think it’s also true that no story can please everyone. I appreciate your thoughts and comments. I really do. And I will actually keep them in mind and use them whenever I rewrite this - or any other script for that matter.

Thank you very much Cloroxmartini. You’ve made me a better writer. :)


Breanne

It's not that I didn't like it. I wouldn't have read the whole thing if that was so. I divorce myself from who wrote it and simply read. What kept me going is that I wanted to know about the Black Witch. That's the good part of the story, the strongest part. Is she unique? Not 100%, but enough. Now that I think about it, the beginning, when she first kicks some ass, was she wearing a hood then so that we don't know it's Carla? If so, how could she be so very good and kicking the guy's ass if she couldn't see him? She's precise in everything she does. Can she do it without being able so see?

When I wonder what is going on, it's because it's not clear to me right away. I say "right away" because I'm a big beleiver in not going back and rereading to figure things out. If I have to go backward, or pause, the writing needs to be clearer. It's clear to you because you already know what you see before you puts words to flat screen.

It's only natural to compare similar movies to what I read. When I do that, I bring up things that have worked in one story and might work in another.

If I read something to the end and it doesn't work FOR ME, then I attempt to figure out why and then attempt to convey the reasons best I can.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Now that I think about it, the beginning, when she first kicks some ass, was she wearing a hood then so that we don't know it's Carla? If so, how could she be so very good and kicking the guy's ass if she couldn't see him? She's precise in everything she does. Can she do it without being able so see?

Utbah pulls the bag off her head on page 5. We, the audience, never see her face. The people she kills may or may not see it, depending on the circumstances. When she takes her original place among the hostages, the bag is returned. This is to prevent Salman from immediately noticing she’s there. Salman is the only one she kills while wearing a bag over her head. Even then, there’s a hole cut into it so she can see. That’s all in the script.

Quoted from cloroxmartini When I wonder what is going on, it's because it's not clear to me right away. I say "right away" because I'm a big beleiver in not going back and rereading to figure things out. If I have to go backward, or pause, the writing needs to be clearer. It's clear to you because you already know what you see before you puts words to flat screen.

I understand. I have no problem taking responsibility if my writing isn’t clear enough. It just seems that a lot of your questions are answered in the script. This makes me wonder if you didn’t read so hurriedly that you missed parts. You’re absolutely right that the writer is ultimately responsible for whether or not the writing is clear. But this is also a mystery story and skimming over description is guaranteed to confuse readers.

Quoted from cloroxmartini If I read something to the end and it doesn't work FOR ME, then I attempt to figure out why and then attempt to convey the reasons best I can.

And I thank you for that. There are a lot of reasons something may not work, one of which is personal taste. Another is the possibility that the whole script needs a major rewrite. Just covering all the possibilities.

Thanks Cloroxmartini.


Breanne

Yes, the bag is pulled off. With all the action going on, I would think I'd see her face. I guess that's the impression I'm left with to think about later. I really didn't think about being able to see Carla's face during that first battle and compare it to later.

Do you think that even if we did see her face at that time that we would be fascinated if we saw her again as Carla? Villians are shown all the time without the good guys knowing who it is but we know. Sometimes it creates good suspense.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Yes, the bag is pulled off. With all the action going on, I would think I'd see her face. I guess that's the impression I'm left with to think about later. I really didn't think about being able to see Carla's face during that first battle and compare it to later. Do you think that even if we did see her face at that time that we would be fascinated if we saw her again as Carla? Villians are shown all the time without the good guys knowing who it is but we know. Sometimes it creates good suspense.

I don’t think it would be more suspenseful if the audience saw her face. It would certainly be less mysterious. It would be a bit like telling the audience who the killer is upfront in a murder mystery. As soon as viewers saw the Black Witch in her disguise, they would instantly recognize her. As it is, we find out who the Black Witch is the same time Dunne does (unless someone figures it out). We get to experience the same sense of discovery as our hero. I like that in a film.


Breanne