Johnny Jamaica by Bryson G - Short, Noir, Drama - Down and out Detective, Johnny Jamaica, may have just gotten the case that can make him a household name. But when his feelings get in the way of his investigation, he must choose between what he wants, and what he needs to do.  15 pages - pdf, format 8)

Any feedback would be nice

Might be an idea to have a look at some other people's work and leave some reviews. People tend to reciprocate round here. They like to know people are around.

You can also do a review exchange.

I took a quick glance at this today and have some notes below:

Format:

- Watch out for passive terms in your action description.
- There are some spelling mistakes (missing periods, mis-spelled words, run on sentances)

Structure:

- Not sure I like the opening couple of pages - it sets up Johnny's lifestyle, but slows the pace of a short script.
- Page 5 VO - I'm pretty sure he'd know right away that the two cases were related.
- Page 8. This seems the easy way out - you don't show us why Johnny thinks the killing is over money. There's not story in this, you are talking to the audience. For a mystery/noir, this should be revealed to the audience at the same time it's revealed to the protagonist. show us, don't tell us.

Story:

- How did he get this case out of thin air?
- This seems like a pretty open and shut case. The police would have figured this out long before a private detective would have been hired. Especially since she took the insurance money out.
- Insurance money payout takes a LONG time and a LOT of paperwork before it's released to the beneficiary.
- Not sure what the therapist brings to the story.


Overall:

As it stands, it's a pretty basic storyline. I think there is an opportunity to dive into your lead character a little deeper and offer us a bit of a better story. You've got the Femme Fatalle for your Noir, but there are no twists in the storyline and nothing leaves us guessing. Ultimately, the femme fatalle should lead our protagonist astray and cause his own demise (for the most part, it's debatable). I didn't see this here.

It feels as though you can work towards a Noir feature - but regardless, there is nothing here yet to make it stand out from any other noir.

I do like your logline though. Just needs a slight clean up and it's zippy.

Stew

Thanks for the feedback stew, really appreciated. Scar Tissue, I do read other scripts when I can as well as post on them. What do you think is the best way to go about getting my scripts read?

Hey 13th, here's the deal...

Looks like you've got like 4 scripts posted on SS, right?  You've got a total of 13 posts, and the majority of them on are on your own threads.  You need to read other scripts and post meaningful feedback.  It doesn't have to be technical stuff, but there has to be things you see in scripts that either work or don't work...for you.  Everyone is looking for personal opinion feedback (as well as technical help feedback, when appropriate).

Also, you need to respond to each and everyone who comments on your scripts.  You need to address things they brought up, be thankful for their time, and ask if they'd like anything read in return.  Quid pro quo...the more you read and provide feedback, the more reads and feedback you'll get.  When someone reads and responds to your work, you need to personally address them and their comments.  You have not even done this in the past on your other scripts.

Dreamscale your right man. Guess I have been quite inconsiderate. Thanks.