Journeys Into Memory by Edith Cory Cooper - Drama - An emotionally fragile writer, on a quest to delve into the life of her long-lost love, sets in motion unforeseen events affecting many lives. 96 pages - pdf, format 8)

Edith - thought I'd crack this one open and give you some feedback. I'm not the biggest format Nazi, but you have a few issues that need addressing. Your font needs to Courier Pt 12. Yours is Pt 10. Your opening page is, well, dull, not very engaging. It doesn't pull me in. All this business with Mary in the bus, at the bus station etc is really a MONTAGE or series of shots.

When you introduce your antoganist, you can then follow with a brief description. No need to be so specific with ages, makes casting harder. Also, no need to describe in such detail what she wears, that's wardrobes job.

You also write in the present continuous as opposed to the present simple.

'After closing the locker, she walks to the bus counter, where she speaks briefly to a clerk.' If the character speaks, but we don't hear what they say it's (MOS)

It's taken 5 pages to set up Mary going for an interview! The exchange of dialouge between Leonard and Mary could be cut by half. Alot of it is unecessary exposition. Everything we need to know about Mary could have been easily shown in the first 5 pages. She's a ghost writer and Leonard wants to hire her.

At 12 pages only one thing has really happened, we meet Mary and she's hired for a job. You need to be more economical with your story telling. Hope this helps.

Thought I'd give this a quick read. To be honest, I don't really take a lot of notes on format and grammar as many people would prefer. I don't know, it takes a lot of time and dedication to be thorough with that stuff, and between my writing and work I sometimes don't have the time. Any format notes that I had were mentioned above, especially with the whole talking while on screen but inaudible things.

It does take a while to start and there are certain things that could be cut out. There is a lot of exposition. You have a real talent for dialogue, but sometimes you do let it run on for a little bit too much. Take a look at some of the longer sequences and see what you can take out.

This has a very indy feel as that it is very even through out and it does take off a few times, but then it levels off again. It is a very well told story, but I mean, it would be a nice little parallel to run the story of Leonard and Rose a bit more. If you cut down on the major dialogue you can probably add a bit more excitement to their story.

Also, I know you're shooting a lot of Web and Danielle development, but for a main character Mary does become a little bit too much of a ghost. The best example I can think of here, is think Station Agent. Every character is a colorful one, with their own conflicts, but it still remains mainly focused on Peter Dinklage's character through out. In the end, it makes it very hard to kind of get on Mary's side because she is gone for so long and we just see the struggles of others. I see Web, how it's hard for him and why he would gravitate towards Mary, but it makes it hard to see the deep attraction the immediately form outside of them once "being madly in love"...

I hope this helps. I really enjoyed this, which feels a very much indie script. It's one of those really low key find yourself scripts that I'm enjoying.