Manager by Avarics (ars89) - Short, Dark Comedy - A Retiring manager has to make a correct decision about one of his Employees. 4 Pages - pdf, format 8)

WOW!!  Literally shocking and downright appalling how many mistakes are on display in Page 1, alone.

Your first Slug is bolded, then, your next one isn't.

Character descriptions are awful.

Grammar is abysmal.

Punctuation is brutally terrible.

Dialogue is horrendous.

Sorry, dude, but I am in disbelief at how bad this is.  Read scripts in here...comment on those scripts you read.  Check out all the websites on grammar and writing first, then start looking into actual screenwriting.

Sorry to be so harsh, but this is really, really poorly written.

Okay, so Dreamscale's review actually made me want to read this...

First, the good news - I kind of like the idea behind this. I do see the seeds of a story here because you do manage to bring a bit of irony.

The trouble comes with the execution. We don't see any of what motivates Aaron to do what he does. There is no character development with any of the roles here. There are obvious grammatical mistakes as Jeff noted, and the dialogue is wooden. You need to read the dialogue aloud and ask if people really talk this way.

I encourage you to read some other short scripts here. I like the idea, however the execution from soup to nuts needs to be addressed.

NOOO

No?  Ars89 we don't encourage one word posts.   Please elaborate or it will be deleted.  Thanks.

I wrote such a bad script, that's why i wrote NOO. I wanna improve my writing

Ars89,

Most everyone writes a pretty bad script their first time out.  Nothing to worry about.  Read some scripts and then try again.   Keep writing and eventually you get pretty good at it.  

Quoted from Ars89 I wrote such a bad script, that's why i wrote NOO. I wanna improve my writing

Ars,

SS is a powerful tool to help hone your screenwriting craft.
Read scripts by contributing members and soak up as much as you can.
The more you offer constructive criticism to others, the more likely you are to get some.
In just a few months, my skill level increased leaps and bounds.
People here are generous with their time, when you take the first step.

Best of luck!

Regards,
E.D.

The bones of this are good, the story looks like it could have legs with work.
Although I am not an authority on these things,
having seen a few other scripts on here I am sure it just needs good old fashioned work.
Hope that helps
Good luck
Mike  

hey Ars,

I too decided to read this based on dreamscale's comments. unfortunately for you, he's dead on. if you don't take the time to proof read your scripts, then why should we take the time to read them?

regardless, i wanted to read this one based on story alone. and I'm going to have to disagree with my fellow posters. i dont think this short's plot has any legs to stand on. we've seen this played out before with much more developed characters. granted, this is only a four pager, but the whole idea of an employee almost going postal has been done again and again and again. this brings nothing new to the table. now if you took the same idea and put it in a different situation, then you might get a more unique and entertaining read. or it could just fall flat. so my conclusion? bring something new to the table or scrap it and move on.

thanks for posting and please proofread your scripts before putting them online.

This script is getting Produced. regards and a huge thank you, to the Director

Avarics

There’s the potential for a decent blackly comic skit in here somewhere, unfortunately it’s lost under poor writing, dialogue and general execution.

“Aaron North (32) average height, black eyes, neatly dressed
sitting in his office working.”

- Look to drop the “ing” in verbs where possible. For example:

“Aaron North (32) average height, black eyes, neatly dressed
sits in his office, works.”

Would I be correct in thinking that English isn’t your first language?

The reason I say this isn’t because your English isn’t bad per se, some punctuation and the nitpicky stuff like commas and “s”  to denote plural or the possessive could be fixed but its more the wooden, on-the-nose delivery of the dialogue. The conversation between William and John reads very mechanical and direct, zero subtlety or subtext.

WILLIAM
Hmm. Trent got potential John, But
Aaron had a great history in this
bank, if anyone deserves a manager
post. Then it should be Aaron.

- William has already said the line “if anyone deserves a manager post.” word for word earlier in the page. Do you really want your characters repeating themselves like that?

JOHN
Yes Sir, But what has Aaron given
us and to all of the people working
here. His wife’s stupid Lunch. He
never took us to any clubs or
parties.

But look at Trent, 5 star Hotels
Dinners, Hookers, Stripers, Beverly
hills B’day bashes. He has done so
much for us personally and I can
guarantee that he will also do it
professionally
(CONT'D)
All I am saying is think twice
before taking your decision, Sir.

- Don’t space your dialogue like that if it’s coming from the same character unless he is performing an action as he talks that you want to describe. Also, is this played for laughs here, is John trying to be funny mentioning the hookers and that?

The darkly comic ending caught me by surprise I must admit but in a good way. It actually revealed the script had a bit more going for it than initially meets the eye.

However, I think the overall effectiveness is hampered somewhat by the writing. Keep at it and read as much as you can, see how others write scripts. It seems you got potential to tell an interesting little piece in so few pages now look to the technical side, the presentation, work on it.

Keep at it.

Col.

Seems like English isn't your first language... which puts me off reading. The dialogue is likewise terrible and I couldn't get through the first page.

It's really difficult to write in a second language. I'm from the UK and even I have difficulty writing for the US market. We both speak English, but we do it differently. Yours just looks terrible... makes it look like you cannot write very well. The best thing you can do is make it in your own country first and then maybe try and get some of your successful movies translated. As it stands you have a long, long way to go to polish your English to a decent enough standard where you can write in it.

I like the idea here, the pay off is fairly decent, but man, the execution building up to the pay off is terrible. First off, you forget to punctuate more than a lot throughout the script. The first page alone made me cringe.

And the writing. Not only does the dialogue feel "on the nose" as we like to say, but it comes off as broken English. As does the action/description. For instance, in the first paragraph, you describe his "dressing attire" - you can just say attire.

Also, the dialogue is repetitive - how many times must your characters say so and so is the man for the job?

Formatting wise, it's inconsistent, and you forget to include a CHARACTER name where there is dialogue several times.

With such an epic title page, my expectations were high, but man, the writing was not good. To your credit though, I will say I like the idea and the outcome.