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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  June 2011 One Week Challenge  /  No One Lives Forever - June 2011 OWC
Posted by: Don, June 3rd, 2011, 11:40pm
No One Lives Forever by Josh Randall & James Braddock - Short, Action - An underappreciated U.S. Marshal picks up a fugitive, unaware that the criminal's henchmen are not far behind. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: grademan, June 4th, 2011, 10:18am; Reply: 1
No One Lives Forever

Action: Yes
Budget: No

I saw this as a back story for Tommy Lee Jones’ character in US Marshalls.

Very good.

The bandaged hand was nicely handled as a key to the story. The “three men to keep him down” was also clever. The questioning of the Marshall’s ability to handle the prisoner was overdone.

I don’t think this qualifies as low budget, mainly the airport shootouts.

Thunderstorm should be hail storm.

Also when answering a question, don’t say yes or no. Let the answer do the work.

ANGUS
No, I lost.

Should be:

ANGUS
I lost.
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), June 4th, 2011, 11:43am; Reply: 2
I'll give this one credit for trying to write a complete script with a story and characters with character, even.  That's as far as I can go through with the compliments, sorry to say.

The writing is a frickin' mess in almost every way possible.

Slugs are literally terrible and in many cases incorrect.  Some don't make any sense.  Some have action taking place in them that is impossible. Some are missing times.  Some have periods in them.  Just really poorly done and it's a serious problem with the script, as it makes it very difficult to keep up with where we are and what's going on.

Lots of attempted direction in the writing, which, again, makes it tough to understand exactly what's supposed to be going on, cause alot of they "attempts" failed and turned out more confusing than anything else.

So, Argus is in his 300's and Ryan is in his 200's?  Hmmm...I know...a typo, no big deal, but funny...but you do need to look at how you wrote the ages, as there seems to be something wrong here.  There's an umelot or whatever over the "0" in many of the ages.

For me, the writing was really awkward throughout, more so when there was action taking place.  Your use of incomplete sentence fragments, lack of subject headers, etc. made this tough for me.  You also missed most of the necessary apostrophes, which again, made for an awkward read.

The action just wasn't thought through enough for it to work on the page.  Just couldn't visualize much of any of it, once it got going at this airport.  In theory, I think it can be engaging enough but it needs to be rewritten in a much clearer, more visual way.  Writing better Slugs would sure help and make it easier to follow along.

I like that you kept this bandaged hand thing going throughout, but the payout was weak and not well done...almost anti-climatic.  Good idea though for sure.

Finally, you did have a complete story here and I really appreciate that.  The execution isn't there, but the effort surely is, so good job on that.
Posted by: abelorfao, June 4th, 2011, 12:20pm; Reply: 3
Hello, Josh and James. I've just read your script and here are my thoughts.

For the most part, I thought this was an enjoyable high-octane read although I can't imagine this could be pulled off on a low budget. The script read more like the start of a full-length film than a stand-alone story but I'd consider that a virtue as it left me wanting to know more about Argus and Manes.

The one major problem I had was how Argus and his fellow US Marshals apparently handled Manes with little care. Why, for example, does Argus place Manes in the front passenger seat of his vehicle? I thought it was standard procedure for police officers to seat prisoners in the rear. Likewise, how does Manes run a finger across the plane window? Shouldn't he still be handcuffed? The only way Manes could do this is if he was cuffed with his hands loosely in front, and I can't imagine a team of US Marshals allowing that to happen. Furthermore, how does Manes get out of his seat to attack Jackson? Once again, the only way this could happen is if the US Marshall inexplicably left Manes's hands loosely cuffed in front of his body.

In terms of your action prose, I think it would read better if written in a simple and straightforward manner throughout. For example, you mention the airport hasn't seen this activity in years. Considering this is the first time we've seen the airport, there's no way to quantify that statement. I would simply mention the airport was a beehive of activity and leave it at that. There was an odd formatting issue early in the script where the symbol "Õ" appeared in place of or next to some zeros. Also, there is an unnecessary blank page at the end of the script. Here are the other things I noticed as I read through your script:

Page 1: The phrase "puts in coins into" should be "puts coins into."

Page 2: The phrase "of skull over the face" should be "of a skull over the face." The line "Stand up Manes" should be "Stand up, Manes."

Page 4: The line "Actually I'm the reject" should be "Actually, I'm the reject."

Page 5: If you are referring to a specific weapon, the phrase "45 automatic" should be ".45 ACP" or ".45 Auto."

Page 6: I believe the phrase "clocks into place" should be "locks into place."

Page 7: The phrase "Rollins' brains spits out" should be "Rollins' brains spit out."

Page 8: The phrase "bullet holed heap" should be "bullet-holed heap."

Page 9: The parenthetical "30's" should read "30s."

Page 10: The phrase "half hour or less" should be "half-hour or less" or "half an hour or less."

Page 11: The phrase "cold blooded" should be "cold-blooded."

I hope this response helps you both, and I wish you good luck with your writing.
Posted by: Ryan1, June 4th, 2011, 4:11pm; Reply: 4
This one had some decent action at least.  But, I just didn't find the story all that compelling and there were too many gaps in logic.  No way would a Marshal allow a dangerous fugitive to sit in the passenger seat next to him.  Also, all those shots being fired at the plane...a plane is pretty much a rolling gas can, I don't think shooting at it is a good for either side in this story.

Didn't really get the twist at the end where Argus reveals where he got his bandaged hand.  Sure, he was in Baton rouge, but so what?  How does that play into the story.

Doubt this would qualify as low budget with the planes involved.

Still, at least you kept the action moving pretty much throughout the script, so there is that.
Posted by: greg, June 4th, 2011, 4:15pm; Reply: 5
I like that there's a real complete and, relatively speaking, deep story here.  

There may be too many characters for the script's own good.  I say maybe because while there are a lot of names, it wasn't as convoluted as it could have been but definitely not as simplistic either.  Minor characters are shooting at each other - okay.  But what are the main guys doing?  That's what I'm more interested in.  But with a story of this magnitude I was more accepting of the larger number of characters.

The action read a little odd at times and there appeared to be some awkward slugs.  For example, when Argus is by the bullet-riddled car, he slips into it but there's no new slug...so technically he's on the outside while on the inside.  I mean, I figured it out and all but it does throw the reader off.  Oh, this too:

"The rear left tire rolls over a dead woman's wrist."  Okay - what'd I miss?  Random dead woman in the field?...

It also seemed like not enough care was put into transporting Manes.  4 guys are ramsacking the US Marshals, get aboard a plane (wouldn't they transport a guy like Manes in a more secure plane?  Or at least convoy him to a location that has a more secure plane?), totally destroy everything...couldn't completely buy it.

So this wasn't bad.  It was interesting and I liked the ending.  The meat of the thing could use a brushup.

But good job.

Greg
Posted by: c m hall, June 4th, 2011, 9:47pm; Reply: 6
The details in the fight scenes are interesting but the story seemed jumbled, to me.  Maybe it's a first draft.   Anyway, there's potential in these characters to make a good story.
Posted by: The boy who could fly, June 4th, 2011, 9:51pm; Reply: 7
Good job on finishing the OWC, it fit the challenge for the most part, might be a little over budget, plus there are maybe too many characters in it, and whats with them being 200 and 300 years old, is this a highlander spinoff, and what's with the squiggles above some of the 0's.  Still congrats on finishing the challenge.
Posted by: TheUsualSuspect, June 5th, 2011, 12:26am; Reply: 8
I feel as if there is enough story here for a feature script. This seemed a bit rushed with the writing, lots of grammar errors. Given the time and dedication, this could turn into a decent feature.

Lots of action going on, which is good, but as many have said before it feels like a bigger budget. Planes being shot at and what not.

The story, as interesting and complete as it is, felt like it was missing something. I can't place my finger on it, which seems like a horrible critique to give someone. Sorry.

Good job on completing the OWC.
Posted by: rc1107, June 6th, 2011, 12:31am; Reply: 9
Well, it definately has the most action out of what I read so far, (which isn't very many yet), but there's plenty and plenty of action.  I don't know how much of it can be shot on a shoe-string budget, but I don't think it could be shot as is.

There's a basis of a good story here, but there's too many gaping holes for the logic to play out, which most have been pointed out already.  (The lax restraints on Manes.  Sitting him in the front seat.  Etc.)

Others have brought up your issues with slugs.  Me, I don't really mind too much as long as you put a clear picture into my head of what's happening.  But I didn't have a clear picture of much of what was happening.  I knew there was a lot of action, but had no clue as to how the scene was set up or wasn't aware of any spacing or blocking.  Proper slugs probably would have cleared a lot of stuff up.

So, a very good attempt here, but would have benefited a lot more if this were an FWC.  (Four week challenge.)

- Mark
Posted by: Heretic, June 6th, 2011, 11:28pm; Reply: 10
I read this one the other day but didn't comment, so I'm gonna have to forgo the page by page comments and just go to my thoughts.

Thoughts:

Too much action!  I started skimming, to be honest.  It's not that you didn't set up the characters well, set up the story well, etc...it was all just very by-the-numbers, for me.  

Most people seem to agree that Hollywood is going downhill due to them being unwilling to make chances, and making the same thing over and over.  I guess I would have to accuse this script of bringing nothing new to the action genre.  It's a serviceable story with lots of action, but it's nothing that we haven't seen before, and I don't mean in terms of the action/style/dialogue, I mean in terms of the characters.  Push these guys a little!  What sets your action script aside from every DTV one in the 90s?  I don't see it.

Thanks for the fun read and congrats on writing for the OWC!
Posted by: Lexalicous, June 7th, 2011, 3:40pm; Reply: 11
Well...
it's nice you tried out for the OWC. Unfortunately, I think you only fulfilled one criterion here: Action till you drop (more or less literally).

I didn't get why these three people (if they really wanted to free their boss) waited for him to arrive at the airport. Why didn't they just take him out of the car? Is that the reason why the U.S. officer placed him next to himself? :/

Also, for low-budget, you added way to many (flat :() characters and places. I had trouble understanding the story at some points because of that. You should expand it, maybe it'll be better off as a feature.

Congrats anyways.
Posted by: RayW, June 7th, 2011, 4:43pm; Reply: 12
#1 No One Lives Forever -
An underappreciated U.S. Marshal picks up a fugitive, unaware that the criminal's henchmen are not far behind. 11 pages.


Format: Perfect - Pretty Good -  Close Enough
Notes: pg5 Argus not within earshot during pg2 Keller "three guys" remark; pg8 Manes' remark occurs while Argus is still in the car, 87mph (in reverse, no less) is gonna take quite a distance more than eight or even eighty yards, what dead woman? Cruger WTF he just wait there for to be run over?; pg9 Argus' sudden location change from running over Cruger to the Airport conversation w/ Euing is rather abrupt; pg 10 need to insert a brief scene where Euing gives Argus the hanger key; Why would Argus shoot into Devlin's foot rather than center mass with a shotgun? In fact, you could probably skip the whole entire shotgun bit. There's no material need for it that his pistol can't achieve. Where did Manes go while Argus runs up and whaps Devlin? Hiding? Why didn't Argus just shoot Devlin dead? (Psst! It's an autoloader shotgun. You don't need to "pump a new round in" after you just fired it. ); cryptic ending.
Action: H3ll, Yeah! - Good - Eventually - Needs More
Breakdown: Tension building pages 1 - 6.5, Action begins mid-6 - 11 = 5.5 pages of action, shy of half.

Budget Considerations:
Locations - Police station office, cell & exterior; community airport, jet plane interior, dirt road, airplane hanger, airport interior
Props - Card cup dispensing coffee & espresso dispensing machine, (optional) pop machine, multiple temp. tattoos, (optional) goatee, police pistols, holsters, gun belts, cuffs, police radios, assorted badges, small cooler w/ ice and bottled water, Browning sniper rifle w/ scope & tripod, .45 nickel plated pistol, folder w/ documents & photo, 2x Uzi machine guns, Argus' pistol, shattered latex glass, smoker, dead woman arm/dummy, Mossberg 590 police shotgun,
Costumes - Deputy uniform, others in street clothes, X# of Marshal jackets, executioner hoods, security guard uniform,
Vehicles - Rental car, cars for other marshals @ airport, jet plane, white van to tear up and crash,  Twin Otter plane
Actors - Argus, Ryan, Keller, Manes, Jackson, Rollins, Cruger, Devlin, Ellis, Pilot (could use other actor), Euing
SFX - Sniper scope vision, glass break, bullet riddle strikes, vehicle glass breaks, shot tires, car crashes, tire explosion w/sparks, van crash, Rollins' brains effect & glass splatter, Cruger kill, Devlin's foot shot, Wirework for Ellis' back flip
Other - body pads for fight stunt sequences, car mount camera rig, prop weapons-master on set, would probably benefit from a commissioned score.

Budget Guesstimate: At least $10k to $20k. This is really well beyond the scope of cheap and easy + using non-SAG actors + diddling around with Adobe After Effects in post.
What I like: This was a pretty good sequence composition. I liked the foul grumbliness of Manes and Argus' ever changing remarks about his injured hand.
What I'd change: Delete the pg 10 "media" references, include a transition sequence between backing up over Cruger then being inside the airport with Euing, develop Argus more than the strong and silent type.
How I envision this looking: Like a Michael Mann or Paul Greengrass sort of flick. Nothing low budget about it, though.
What I'd like to know from the writer: This is part of a larger piece, isn't it?
Posted by: Electric Dreamer, June 8th, 2011, 10:23am; Reply: 13
Josh and James,

Kudos for entering the OWC and going for a complete story arc.
It didn't work for me, but it's not from a lack of effort.
Your slugs are muddy and inconsistent.
This really slowed my read, their function is to clarify and facilitate reading pace.
I had a hard time following the action, which was anything but low budget.
The shots you described in shootouts didn't paint a complete picture for me.
No Marshal puts a prisoner in the front seat.
Let alone the whole revenge angle, no one would assign that guy to the case...
Unless, he wasn't supposed to pick him up, he intercepted the actual Marshal.
Cuz Argus is out for some revenge, now THAT would be a cool twist.

Thanks for playing, OWCs are no fun without effort like yours!

Regards,
E.D.
Posted by: Eoin, June 10th, 2011, 5:32pm; Reply: 14
This was pretty decent. The writers have obviously done some character study as there a real sense of who these people are. They feel 3 dimensional, have a backstory, they can be visualised, something that was lacking in other scripts i have read. The dialouge is also crisp and effective and to me gives orientates us to a clear time and place. Kudos.

The action sequence with putting a scope on a sniper rifle, is restrictive budget wise. Don't get so specific. trying to look through an unmounted scope is pretty damn hard with the eye relief, pupil exit and it being so unsteady. Just have the guy look through a rifle scope, include the view through the scope, then back to scene.

Torn up right tire flying off the rim, not impossible to do, but difficult, may look effective, but it wouldn't really happen.

The action sequence of Cruger being 8 yards away and run over with the car, is just all wrong. How it God's name would he be able to shoot that high from eight yards away!? Just wouldn't work. More like 80 yards. He wouldn't be able to get enough elevation at that range unless he was inline or just below the targets head.

Figures are spelled out - 87 - eighty seven etc

All in all not bad - could do with some tightening.
Posted by: DarrenJamesSeeley, June 14th, 2011, 4:16pm; Reply: 15

Quoted from abelorfao
Page 5: If you are referring to a specific weapon, the phrase "45 automatic" should be ".45 ACP" or ".45 Auto."



I decided to respond to yours first, because of this reason. While I think lack of hypen-age is in the eye of the beholder, and I will get to other issues in a moment, but I had to single out this comment.

With all due respect, you are flat out wrong.
In essence, you are telling me to abbreviate. I'm sorry abe, abbreviating/ shorthand goes against writing guidelines. Shorthand and abbriviations in all and any forms is my number one pet peeve when I read; I'm sure as fire not going to practice what I preach.

It is the only comment of the bunch that I had any real disagreement with.
More to follow
Posted by: DarrenJamesSeeley, June 14th, 2011, 4:33pm; Reply: 16

Quoted from grademan
No One Lives Forever

Action: Yes
Budget: No

I saw this as a back story for Tommy Lee Jones’ character in US Marshalls.

Very good.

The bandaged hand was nicely handled as a key to the story. The “three men to keep him down” was also clever. The questioning of the Marshall’s ability to handle the prisoner was overdone.

I don’t think this qualifies as low budget, mainly the airport shootouts.

Thunderstorm should be hail storm.

Also when answering a question, don’t say yes or no. Let the answer do the work.

ANGUS
No, I lost.

Should be:

ANGUS
I lost.


I understand what you're saying, And it is better never to answer with yes or no. But that's what I heard the character say, so he said no.

The budget is the real kicker here. If I really had to I would probably get rid of the security guard even though I wanted a minute so folks can catch a breath and have a better transition between action scenes. To me, we have these other "high budget issues" that may not be that high on a second or third glance: :

- a small town airport, mostly used for cargo/transport

- a jet* that doesn't really move (it could simply be a set, nothing more with only the front of a real but decommisioned plane in place -*and it IS my fault on that, I should have said "jet" not "plane" to be more clear)

- a small plane in a hangar that does not have to fly, and the engine shot from a forced perspective and/or sound effect up a little.

That said, I could very well be all wrong unless I got real lucky and folks filmed it somewhere in Romania...

Thanks for your comments
Posted by: DarrenJamesSeeley, June 14th, 2011, 5:09pm; Reply: 17

Quoted from Dreamscale
I'll give this one credit for trying to write a complete script with a story and characters with character, even.  That's as far as I can go through with the compliments, sorry to say.


Thanks anyway.


Quoted from Dreamscale

Slugs are literally terrible and in many cases incorrect.  Some don't make any sense.  Some have action taking place in them that is impossible. Some are missing times.  .


Missing times. Ah yes. Since most of times are understood to be moments later or a minute or two at best, I didn't feel it was always needed. Not sure what you mean about action taking place in the slugs though, Jeff. You kind of lost me there. If you mean action in that location, I'm going for over the top 80s style type of B film action with a 'heightened' reality if you will. The kind of flicks where in a car chase, if the good guy's ride hits a tree he gets up with a scratch, and if the bad guy hits a speed bump his car automatically explodes.

Okay, I didn't go THAT far, but you get where I'm going with...this...eh? You don't?  :-/
Oh well.


Quoted from Dreamscale

Lots of attempted direction in the writing, which, again, makes it tough to understand exactly what's supposed to be going on, cause alot of the "attempts" failed and turned out more confusing than anything else.


I didn't call out any camera direction. Maybe a point could be made with the sniper's scope but that's about it. Could be something I missed, but not in this matter.


Quoted from Dreamscale

So, Argus is in his 300's and Ryan is in his 200's?  Hmmm...I know...a typo, no big deal, but funny...but you do need to look at how you wrote the ages, as there seems to be something wrong here.  There's an umelot or whatever over the "0" in many of the ages.


This is where you (and others) got me.
Since you also mentioned the story, I'll explain what may have happened here, and yes, it was my foul up and I should have spotted it.

No One Lives Forever started out not as a OWC for me, but part of a treatment/outline to a script which I never got around to writing. In that treatment I had names and ages, but when I cut & pasted into a new fdr file and pdf'd it the translation. The translation added a 0 in those ages. It also took out some of the ' here and there.



Quoted from Dreamscale

I like that you kept this bandaged hand thing going throughout, but the payout was weak and not well done...almost anti-climatic.  Good idea though for sure.


I agree. You'll get no argument here. I actually wanted it to be a mystery of sorts in the OWC and simply a decoy, so Manes underestimates Argus. But I was also relying on my backstory in my outline, where the two had some history and Manes simply forgot about him, thinking the "guy he shot" in Baton Rogue was dead. Something like that.


Quoted from Dreamscale

Finally, you did have a complete story here and I really appreciate that.  The execution isn't there, but the effort surely is, so good job on that.


Wasn't easy. There was a lot more in my outline and I had to write it leaving out some characters, events and...yes, I changed a lot of stuff for the OWC, but it gave me an excuse to write some of it and test it out.

More to follow.
Posted by: DarrenJamesSeeley, June 14th, 2011, 5:19pm; Reply: 18

Quoted from Ryan1
This one had some decent action at least.  But, I just didn't find the story all that compelling and there were too many gaps in logic.  No way would a Marshal allow a dangerous fugitive to sit in the passenger seat next to him.  Also, all those shots being fired at the plane...a plane is pretty much a rolling gas can, I don't think shooting at it is a good for either side in this story.

Still, at least you kept the action moving pretty much throughout the script, so there is that.


First things first, Ryan. What gave me away? :D
(You were the first to guess my script right)

Again, this is a bit of heightened reality, where most action have gaps in logic in order for storytelling or thrill ride sake. That said,  "No way would a US Marshal allow a dangerous fugitive to sit next to him" - great point! My original intent was that it was simply to make Manes think him incompetent or to under-estimate him AND there was a bit of history between the two that Manes forgot about- Argus simply wanted to humiliate and rough Manes up a little bit. That said, you're still right. Most of the conversation could have taken place with Manes in the back.

Posted by: DarrenJamesSeeley, June 14th, 2011, 5:28pm; Reply: 19

Quoted Text
"The rear left tire rolls over a dead woman's wrist."  Okay - what'd I miss?  Random dead woman in the field?...


One of the agents, lost in the choas.
Hocus-pocus....

;)
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), June 15th, 2011, 12:54pm; Reply: 20
Darren, even though I get zero feedback and help our of you, for some odd reason, I’ll respond to your replies, in hopes of helping you with your writing.

Your response about my initial post that your Slugs were a mess and incorrect in many places, shows that you’re not quite getting it.  Here’s what you said…

“Missing times. Ah yes. Since most of times are understood to be moments later or a minute or two at best, I didn't feel it was always needed.   Not sure what you mean about action taking place in the slugs though, Jeff. You kind of lost me there. If you mean action in that location, I'm going for over the top 80s style type of B film action with a 'heightened' reality if you will. The kind of flicks where in a car chase, if the good guy's ride hits a tree he gets up with a scratch, and if the bad guy hits a speed bump his car automatically explodes.”

So, let’s address both issues, first the “missing times” in your Slugs.  The vast majority of your Slugs use “DAY” as your time, which is fine, although it really doesn’t give us much help in terms of actual passing time, but that’s a personal choice.  You use “MOMETS LATER” 1 time, and then every other Slug has no time element.  You can’t tell me this was intentional, and if it is, I’m at a loss.  Adding a time element does not take up any additional space or lines.  It is required in a full Slug.  It adds to the read, as it gives important information.  No reason in the world to skip it sometimes, but not others.

The 2nd part of your response does not deal with the issues I’m talking about, so I’ll try again, in greater detail.

For instance, your opening Slug on Page 1, which runs to Page 2 has issues with it because it contains action taking place outside of where the Slug says we are…in other words, you’re missing Slugs.  It says we’re in a Hallway, but once we leave that Hallway, you need to change the Slug, and you didn’t.  Ryan is not seated in the Hallway with a personal fan and a mound of paperwork…he’s in his office cubicle, I’d imagine, right?

Your next Slug is a Mini, but it shouldn’t be, as time has passed since the last shot/scene.   When you start a new scene (a non continuous scene), you can’t just assume that we know who’s in this scene.  You have Keller speaking before we even know he’s there.

On Page 5, you have the old dreaded “I/E. WHITE VAN – DAY”, but that’s not accurate.  Every line except for the last is inside the van.  Once Cruger gets out of the van, you need a new Slug, and because he immediately sprints to a patch of tall grass, EXT. WHITE VAN doesn’t work anyway.  It’s lazy and non descriptive and hurts the visual here very much.  PK, Page 6 is where things really fall apart Slug-wise, and why it’s impossible to keep up with what’s going on and where…check this out…

We go to the GRASS PATCH, but then we immediately go into a Sniper’s Scope POV, that’s not even labeled as a POV.  Then, for some crazy reason, we’ve got a “CUT TO:” but no Slug of a van speeding up and busting through some gate, somewhere, but remember, we’re still at the grass patch, and we’ve never even seen this van moving yet.

Then, another “CUT TO” (which actually should be a “BACK TO SCENE”) without a Slug, and Kruger’s taking shots…and killing some pilot, but you know what?  You never even established that Kruger’s the one in the grass patch, because instead, you got tricky and directed exact shots of only the scope going on.  And in the prior scene, you were lazy and used INT/EXT VAN, instead of GRASS PATCH.

Next we go to an odd Slug, “GARLAND COUNTY AIRPORT.” – With a period in it, no breakdown where in the airport, and no time element again.  This new scene is not set up at all, so we have no clue who’s in it, and/or what’s going on.  Where does Argus step out of?  What’s going on here?

The next Slug is OK, although missing a time.  Then, we go to another problem Slug, “EXT PLANE”.  Does the action you’re describing sound like it’s taking place in “EXT PLANE”?  It sure doesn’t to me.

Then you’ve got what look like 2 Mini Slugs that aren’t correct…no INT/EXT, no time element.

OK, you still with me?   Next, we go to an “EXT. RENTAL CAR”, with no time element again.  And read the action lines here and tell me if this all takes place outside this rental car.  At the bottom of the page, he gets inside the car, meaning, you need a new Slug here, “INT. RENTAL CAR – CONTINUUOS”.  The lines “Manes, .45 in hand.  Devlin and Ellis next to him.” Make about zero sense.  Neither is a sentence.  Neither tells us where they are.  Neither works in the slightest.  Are they inside the car or outside?

After Manes speaks, the lines that follow go back and forth from INT to EXT shots, but we’re still supposedly in an EXT. RENTAL CAR scene.

On Page 9, the Slug reads “AIRPORT”, which is different than “GARLAND COUNTY AIRPORT”, and gives us zero visual of where in/on the airport we are.

Then on Page 10, you’ve “INT. AIRPORT – HANGAR”, where as before it was simply “HANGAR”.  You see what I’m saying?  If a Slug reads differently, an astute reader has to think it’s a new location.  This is just such lazy writing.

Now we’re back to simply “HANGAR” again, a few passages later.  Back and forth…back and forth…

And this entire scene is just impossible to visualize because it’s set up so poorly.  You never give relative location to everyone.  One second they’re shooting at each other, the n ext, they’re in hand to hand combat.

Then, we’ve got Ellis inside a sea plane!  Somehow we and Argus can see what he’s doing inside the plane, even though we’re all still in an EXT scene, and then, Argus can even speak to him, even though he’s outside and Ellis is inside.  Manes shows up out of nowhere and they wrestle.  Then, back inside the plane, although we’re still in our Ext scene in the hangar.  Lots of goofy MMA stuff going on, including the rarely seen “Aikedo” elbow throw.

So then, still in this same EXT scene, we get Ellis, who I thought was in the sea plane and actually taking off, suddenly starts “randomly” firing from “two hand guns”, and from there, I don’t know what happens to Ellis or the plane he’s flying, as “puts him in a backward orbit” doesn’t give me much of a visual.

OK, hopefully, that explains in better detail what I was referring to with your use of Slugs.

In terms of your directing, I’m referring to the opening with the very specific coffee shots, the bandaged hand, the intro of Manes is all heavily directed, the sniper scope stuff, “the rear left wheel rolls over a dead women’s wrist”. That’s all a form of camera manipulation and/or direction, and IMO, doesn’t belong in a spec script, and especially not the way it’s been done here.

So, Darren, the fact that you didn’t even conceive and write this for the OWC is another matter in itself.  This has happened in the past and it’s always frowned upon.  The rules are quite clear, you get a theme, genre, topic, and you have 1 week to come up with an idea and write. You clearly did not adhere to this very simple logic, and it really sucks to hear it.

Hopefully this answers your questions, makes sense and doesn’t come across as too harsh.
Posted by: DarrenJamesSeeley, June 15th, 2011, 3:45pm; Reply: 21

Quoted from Dreamscale
Then, we’ve got Ellis inside a sea plane!  Somehow we and Argus can see what he’s doing inside the plane, even though we’re all still in an EXT scene,


The door to the plane is open, just like the earlier scene where Argus is inside of a car during the shootout, but the door is open. This way a dressing of the interior of the sea plane may not be required


Quoted from Dreamscale
Darren, even though I get zero feedback and help our of you, for some odd reason


It's been a hectic week for me. I haven't been able to review everyone's. But I actually thought I reviewed yours---until the names were revealed the other day. What are the odds that I read everyone else and skip yours? That is amazing---of all the folks here, you are the one...

Anyway, in OWC's we all make some error here and there for most everything is in rough or first draft form. I didn't want to sound too defensive, because I should take a little heat for things that I should have seen.

Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), June 15th, 2011, 3:59pm; Reply: 22
It's all cool, man.  No problem with getting defensive, as long as you're defending something you believe in or believe to be right.

You're under no obligation to read anything of mine, but as I've said to you numerous times, it is odd that I've read and provided rather extensive feedback on at least 5 if not more of your scripts, and you've never read or provided anythign on anything I've written and posted.  I read your giant bat monster script twice and provided lots of notes each time.

I believe in the old Quid Pro Quo karma, but I know it doesn't always come back.

Sorry to be harsh and/or picky.  All meant to help.
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