Denied by Frank Shatter - Short, Action - A pre-teen's recount of his morning's Nerf gun exploits with his friend goes from bad worse as his mother questions him. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

This one worked for me and perfectly fit the OWC, so congratulations on that. Then there is the switch on page 7, that kinda caught me off guard.

A solid effort, good job on the OWC.

Didn't really understand this one.  Started out playfully enough, with the boy recounting the Nerf bullet wars in his neighborhood.  Good evocation of summer fun in the suburbs.  But, then we're told the boy is a grown man in some sort of mental hospital talking about this incident that happened years and years ago?  Maybe I read it wrong, but this twist in your story lacked clarity and was downright confusing, IMO.  

A fairly clever concept that was undone by a rather convoluted twist.  Still, a good effort for the challenge.

Hello, Frank. I've just read your script and here are my thoughts.

I realize this is a personal opinion, but I've never been a fan of stories where the climax reveals everything we were told earlier was a lie. The first seven pages were quite enjoyable, and I thought you were building to a powerful moment when David revealed a real pistol. Unfortunately, when the entire story was promptly revealed to be a fantasy of a mentally ill person, I was left with a very bitter taste in my mouth. I did feel the script was well written and I think the first seven pages were solid, but I can't make any suggestions which wouldn't radically change the ending you've chosen.

I'm sorry this response couldn't be more helpful, Frank, but I do wish you good luck with your script.

I like the end and I don't. I can't put my finger on it. I think I would have preferred if you stayed in the one timeline with the kids and the nerf guns.

Very action heavy, which is a plus and easy to film, so low budget works too.

Your ending is what will lose your reader/audience. It feels like a love it or hate it thing. Oddly enough I'm somewhere in the middle.

Man, I really wanted to enjoy this.  

I love these kinds of stories but I felt this was lackluster.  It felt routine and the action read as overwritten.  The ending...I'm not sure it's really appropriate.  The bulk of the story read as a childhood action-comedy and then the ending kinda throws things off.  I'm kind of indifferent on it.  

I do appreciate what you brought to the table here but think it could use some work.  It's a good take on the theme, so kudos to you.

Nice job for a week.

Greg

DENIED

ACTION:      Yes
LOW BUDGET:  Yes

I felt cheated by the ending.  No foreshadowing. I got a little tired of the series of shots, is shot writing. The ending scene isn’t needed. It’s a repeat of the info presented. This can easily be improved with a few changes.

Well, it's ambitious, that's for sure.  Does it work as written?  Not for me, it doesn't.

First of all, there are numerous issues throughout with poor grammar, missing punctuation, awkward phrasing, and last, but definitely not least, terrible, TERRIBLE Slugs.

IMO, the poor use of Slugs was the biggest offender here.  Most are downright incorrect, and the ones that aren't, just aren't good, either.  All the "SUBURBAN" garbage "FENCEPOST" (FENCEPOST?  HUH?  WTF?) nonsense...just really bad, IMO.

So, I was actually liking the story for what it was early on, but then there's a shift in both tone and logic, and for me, it ruined what we had going on. It's the old bait and switch, the old, "it was all a dream".  I rarely like this kind of scam, and really, the only movie that I can think of that I enjoyed that employed such a gimmick was "Identity".

So, good effort, but the writing needs alot of work.  To pull something off like this, everything else has to be flawless, and this is far from flawless.

I like the plot twist, I suggest making the "kid" section just a little less detailed and maybe giving Adult David more to say; I thought his screaming at the end was too society-did-this-to-me heavy.

Yeah, the story really worked for me up until the twist revealed, and then I felt just a little bit of disappointment.

Honestly, I probably would have even enjoyed the tone shift had it been Young David that pulled the actual stainless steel pistol, (I live in the hood and do see 12-15 year-olds trying to hide shit in their shorts, so that really would have hit home with me), but I didn't like the shift in time.  It felt like a cheat.

Don't get me wrong, it was clever, but I still felt dissatisfied after the twist revealed itself.

Still a very, very strong attempt, but it falls short only in the end.

As I go:

Page 1:  Tighty whities!  Do people say whitey tighties?  I'm ever so curious now...I've never heard anyone say whitey tighties...

Page 2:  15 shots in the series of shots was just too much for me to read.  I must admit I skimmed them.
"So this morning everything started fine, right?"  I get why the line is here but it has that sort of "just here to orient the audience" quality that leaves a bad taste in one's mouth...maybe there's some other information that could also be stuck into this line?

Thoughts:

Nice!  Awesome twist.  Very concise writing.  

I thought this was quite good.  Here's my issue.  What does the pre-twist part of the story (which is the majority) add to the story?  We need to be learning about Adult David's life through his fantasy.  Everything that happens in the first six pages or whatever should be clues about his life so that when we realize what the twist is, we really feel sucker punched because we suddenly realize the reality of everything we've just watched happen.

But it was neat.  I like this one.  I love abrupt tone shifts.  I love stories that don't go where we expect them on the basis of cinematic convention to go.

Thanks for the fun read and congrats on writing for the OWC!

Hmmm...

Quoted Text Parked cars are shot. A kid on a bike in the street is "shot" screams and crashes. DAVID (V.O.) Yeah. The neighbor's dog barks then is shot and is shot some more as it runs behind the house. The house is shot. The neighbor's mailbox and car are shot.

Aside from not being active voice, this is repetitive and can get a bit hokey to read.
I know there was a week (or less- depending on when you seen the thread) to write...but wouldn't it have been a bit easier to write

Armed with nerf guns, the kids shoot up everything in sight. A mailbox. The neighbor's dog. Small boy on his bike.



That said, I didn't mind the little twist into Adult David. Hey, if I can love 1995's The Usual Suspects and the "90 minutes of BS"  and be okay with it, a little short script twister isn't going to jerk me around too much. But it does run a risk with some folks, and rightly so. As long as you play fair, that's all that matters.
If it wasn't for those clunky first few pages, this might have been stellar.
But I feel like  I'm thirsty and I need a shot.
Call me a doctor. Need a shot.
I should direct, call shots...
Overall, not bad for a OWC. Nice Shot.

#7 Denied -
A pre-teen's recount of his morning's Nerf gun exploits with his friend goes from bad worse as his mother questions him. 9 pages.

Format: Perfect - Good -  Close Enough
Action: H3ll, Yeah! - Pretty Good - Eventually - Needs More
Breakdown: Don't really know if almost a page of series-of-shots getting dressed and geared up counts as action or not. Otherwise, it's mostly action except for a page and a half of blabbin'.

Budget Considerations:
Locations - Suburban kid's bedroom, foyer, exterior, and street; fenced alley, backyard, medical facility crisis room and exterior
Props - Nerf pistols x5 + rifles x2, Nerf bullets, garden hose, red and blue strobe/revolving lights, large stainless steel pistol, hospital bed w/ linens
Costumes - Urban camo x2, D-ring belts, t-shirts, combat boots, backpack, black caps, shooter glasses, lab coat, Police uniforms w/ utility belts and pistols x2
Vehicles - Minivan, cars in street, Driver's Car
Actors - David, Mom, Sam, Abby, Kid on bike, Car Driver, three kids, Police x2, Adult David
SFX - Nerf bullets zipping through entry door and siding, bullet holes from David firing from interior, entry door splintering and holes in foyer wall from exterior shots, smoke from pistol, blood on floor
Other - dog handler

Budget Guesstimate:  About $1k.  Depends upon how much of the props are available from resources or will have to be purchased. Getting permission to shoot in an empty room of a hospital will be a hassle. Use non-SAG for actors.
What I like: Mostly simple running around of kids doing kid things. Shouldn't be too difficult.
What I'd change: Not much, maybe drop in more incongruity flaws/clues that the childhood fantasy is actually a protective illusion of denial instead of just twisting the titty quite so fast at the end.
How I envision this looking: Similar twist ending as SHUTTER ISLAND, except with steadicam work.
What I'd like to know from the writer: How much of a hassle will it be to get a parent to allow their six year old kid to lay in a puddle of (fake) blood on the floor? Or would you composite that in later?

The style of writing kind of got in the way. By this I mean passive voice and the lengthy "series of shots", as well as grammar issues.

The story can be broken into two parts, the fantasy and reality. I really enjoyed the fantasy story with the boys. I was interested at how it was going to end... Which brings me to "reality". This sort of felt cheap and lazy. I like the idea behind  this man being that delusional, but I would like the fantasy story to have some related elements to the reality.

I think this was a strong effort, but it needs some work.

Hey Frank,

I was with you hand in hand, enjoying the summer feel.
Perhaps disgruntled neighbors chastising the nerf menaces would've been nice.
You lost me when you pulled a real gun.
There was no foreshadowing, at all, that I could see.
Not to mention zero set up for the surprise asylum closer.

Heavy use of the same words and exclamation points cluttered your pages.
I didn't see what going the insane route brought to the story.
You touched on the Donkey Kong theme and stuck to the budget pretty well. Kudos.

Thanks for playing, OWCs only work with effort like yours!

Regards,
E.D.

Not a bad effort but a little disappointing with the two main story plots you took, the story told through the eyes of a child and the muddied twist at the end. The boyhood memory really limited the type of action story you were able to tell. I'd nearly hazard a guess and say this was inspired by personal experience. I think the plot was sorta too cute by half. You need to make the twist at the end very clear, it's our first time reading the story.

Ok read this one.

The visuals with the kids shooting things up was easy enough to picture actually. Easy to shoot I would think.

The ending had a twist for sure. A really sharp twist actually! Kinda hard to digest at first but it works out ok with me.

Nice job!

This story may require further thought and another look in a couple of days. And it's worth that effort, because this has the potential of being a truly original short.

I knew something twisty was coming, but I didn't expect that. In hindsight, there was some foreshadow in the opening line, when you hammered the blue sky and the birds, and even the constant emphasis on the color of the nerf darts. I was wondering why you did that when I read it, and then it made sense with the twist.

I guess the thing to consider most is the effect of going from childhood playful to suddenly dark and tragic. Since it is the shock effect you were looking for, I would say it works, and works well. I think some things need to be tightened, since something like this needs to be flawless, but if you are able to smoothen this out, I think this would actually be my choice for best OWC short, though there's a few I have not read yet.

This reminds of Willy Wonka in reverse. In WW, you have a dark, grimy, bleak world, and then suddenly you enter the chocolate factory, which is color and light and dreams. In this story, we have a blue sky, multicolored nerf bullets, and light hearted mayhem, and then all of a sudden we're thrust into a dark, nightmare world. The protag has the means of retreating to the world of color when he needs to.

I've said in other places that IMO what you want with a short is to leave a powerful impression. An image, a thought, or a feeling. In this case you left a powerful image, one potentially very memorable if done right in film. Another nice aspect to it is the transition with the police car. The audience half expects them to fire with nerf guns. But they don't. Then's when the dream turns to a nightmare, and it's very effective. When this OWC is long gone and forgotten, this will probably be the only story I remember. And that's what a short is supposed to do.

With some fine tuning, this short would be strongly considered for my short H of F, if I still had one. Very nice work, and I admire the boldness.