A Thief Next Door by Eddie Cusack - Short, Action - A thief overhears an abusive tirade from a father to his young son and attempts to rescue the boy. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

5 pages in and I was thinking this was the best of the bunch thus far but unfortunately it went a direction I wasn't too happy with.  

Really good set-up; perfect conflict, room for character development and, of course, some action.  

Where this took a turn for the worst was when Henry was taped up and Dean continues to go badass motherfucker on him.  I just think that was the easy way out and it didn't really provide any real tension or closure for the story.  The other thing I wasn't quite sure of was how the hell Henry got out of the taped chair.  

"Sam walks to Henry and stomps Henry's foot. Henry grimaces.  Dean laughs and leaves with Sam.  Henry looks at the knife in his hands. He cuts the tape and gets up. He turns out the lights and leaves the house."

Re-reading it a few times I get it now; Sam got the small knife out of the drawer and dropped it into Henry's hand as he stomped on his foot.  I'd rewrite that part.

And is Henry the birth father of Sam? I got that vibe at the end but it was ambiguous enough that I wasn't sure.  That could have been a good twist.

So I think this has potential but the second half needs to be reworked.  Still, it's a nice job for a week.

Greg

Interesting setup, with a rather simplistic finish.  Didn't really buy Sam's reaction to the murder of Dean.  I think you could have delved deeper into why Henry was so personally touched by the child abuse he witnessed.  Maybe bring up his own personal history.  

At first, I thought you were going to have an "Absolute Power" scenario, where a thief actually witnesses a murder, but the script just turned meh for me when Henry started talking about making a deal with Dean for the stolen goods.  Also didn't buy Sam hugging Henry.

The potential is here for a great story, just got to dig deeper.

I thought the logline was good. The basic story worked and had a good flow. The problems I had with it was

1. Orienting myself to where they were.

Here:

BACK TO SCENE

Henry cringes at the dark bruises. Henry dashes to a door, it's locked. He knocks.

DEAN (O.S.)
Who is it? I'm busy.

Dean opens the door. Henry punches him and rushes in.

INT. REMINGTON HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Sam pulls up his pants. Henry yanks his arm and turns.

*It seemed to me like they were somewhere else, and then they moved rooms and only THEN was Sam pulling up his pants.

2. The action had me confused with the knife stuff. How did Henry get a knife?

3. There was no build in the development of the relationship between Henry and Sam. There was all of a sudden this kinduv gush of feelings at the end, when in fact, like him or not, there was a murder commited.

Oh, and

4. How was it all of a sudden at the end, that the police sirens were right away rising in the distance? Who notified them?

One more thing: I thought the description of the house frontage in the beginning was overwritten. I would try and save space with that, and do more with the characters themselves.

Despite its problems, this was a nice read.

Sandra

congrats on finishing an OWC, these can be pretty tough to do in a short period of time, so good work there. unfortunately this didn't work for me, the dialog seemed phoney to me, and sam hugging henry at the end did not feel earned, why would he do that? it did have a fight scene but i don't know if i would call this action. but you did manage to punch out a script in time, and i can see where you wanted to go, so i do commend you on finishing a complete effort so good job on that.  

I also got the idea stuck in my head that Henry was Sam's biological father. If this is true, hint at it more, if not, then the ending comes off as weird.

I would have preferred a bit more tussle between Henry and Dean, rather than him being tied up so easily. It took a weird turn at that point.

Low budget, easy to do with some action. Could use a bit more fighting between the two characters though.

Congrats on submitting.

Little notes as I go...

Opening description ain't great...funny how you choose what to describe in detail, but neglect things that give a visual picture.

So, we can see the "soft souled shoes, he's wearing while he's hiding in the bushes at night?  Oh boy...

Keep you Slugs consistent...it reads and looks so much better.

Page 4 - Henry was watching the step father and son from an upstairs window, into an upstairs window, now Henry is outside the house on the ground level, yet, he's able to see through this upstairs window again.

What dark bruises?  We just went back to scene.

OK, we've now lost touch with reality.  Again, the action was taking place upstairs, so how in the world does Dean respond to a knock on an outside, downstairs door, and then appear instantly?

Now everyone's in the kitchen?

Page 5 - What knife?  Where'd a knife come from?

I'm finding the actions of everyone to be ludicrous now.  Sam wants to kill Dean.  Dean is wiling to accept his neighbor's stolen property?  I don't think so...

Page 6 - Huh?  Now there's a knife in Henry's hands, too?

Damn, there are alot of knives just laying around everywhere in this neighborhood!

Well, not much more to say. Confusing writing makes for a confusing read.  No real characterization here so it's hard to really care about anyone or anythign going on here.

The open window seemed odd, it's unlikely that a posh house would have an open window, with no screen.  And the house was so booty-ladened, it seemed like it was a set-up to catch a thief.
Maybe Dean is actually a mastermind / sadist, not just a complete-jerk / sadist... that could be interesting.
I think further adventures of Henry could be entertaining.

Hi there. It must be very difficult putting together something in one week, so kudos for the entry.

That aside, there's a few glaring mistakes that coulda-shoulda been dealt with by one single proof read. eg -

"Henry swings his arm arm up and touches a timer on his wrist watch for ten minutes."  

I double backed at this sentence, and yeah there's a big error here.

Henry does an awful lot of smirking when he's robbing, annoyingly so. Immoral enough for Breaking and Entering, moral enough for impromptu save the kid antics while on the job. Hero or the worlds worst cat burglar? I could buy this set up if it's done correctly, but it just doesn't feel right. (If he was robbing in order to feed his own starving kid - shown via a quick scene at the start, for example - this might give him a bit of depth. Pull the old heartstrings).

As it stands however, I didn't like or feel like rooting for any of the characters (including the kid).  Why does the lad hug Henry at the end? Random.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh. Congrats on the entry.

I'm going to agree with others here. That sounds like a cop-out, but I don't want to beat a dead horse. The action is confusing, so are the characters.

Sorry.

Really liked it up until Henry stashed his loot.  It went downhill after that as others have already said. As soon as he lost the initial fight, I lost interest in the characters. It almost felt like you ran out of time and had to wrap it up.

And congrats completing a submission! Not an easy task.

Haven't been reading the loglines but this one caught my eye.  Intriguing premise.

As I go:

Page 1:  Like the writing.  Concise.  Could be even more concise but I'm sure it would be if it weren't a OWC.

Thoughts:

Henry's the father, right?  Cool story.  Need to get more exposition about the backstory in the latter half, though, if I am right about Henry.  Otherwise, the story is interesting but doesn't really tell us anything.  I don't think you have to make it any less ambiguous about whether or not Henry is the father, but I do think that you have to make us consider the ramifications of him being the father.  What does that say about the kid?  Does Dean know Henry?  What were the circumstances of Henry's desertion of his son?

I dunno.  I quite like the idea but I'm not sure where you were going with it.

Thanks for the fun read and congrats on writing a OWC!

#11 A Thief Next Door -
A thief overhears an abusive tirade from a father to his young son and attempts to rescue the boy. 7 pages.

Format: Perfect - Good -  Close Enough
Notes: Pg4 going to be difficult to get a real minor's butt on screen.
Action: H3ll, Yeah! -  Good - Eventually - Needs More
Breakdown:  Half a page of fighting on pg 4 and another half on pg 6. Not much action in this 7.5 page action story.

Budget Considerations:
Locations - Side by side McMansions, exteriors + interiors
Props - Duffel bag, wrist watch w/ timer, Jewelery boxes w/ jewelery,
array of watches, teddy bear, laptop, coin collection, sports memorabilia, duct tape, chair,
Dean's knife, Sam's small (paring?) knife
Costumes - Henry's dark outfit w/ gloves,  
Vehicles - None
Actors - Henry, Dean, Sam
SFX - Knife in chest effect
Other - stunt pads for fighting

Budget Guesstimate:  Maybe $100 That's probably be spent just on the chest stab effect.
What I like: Nice usage of limited resources.
What I'd change: I suggest suggesting Sam's naked butt rather than showing it.
How I envision this looking: With so little actual action distraction going on this really relies heavily on the actors, directors and editors. With the right crew this becomes a poignant little story. It will be easy to screw up, but at least it won't cost much in expenses.
What I'd like to know from the writer: Have you ever seen A PERFECT WORLD? It's a nice story similar to the "bad guys aren't always bad, well... they are, but they aren't" theme here

Just gave this one a read - though well written, it just didn't do it for me.  As others have mentioned, there's actually not all that much action in it.

That aside, I just didn't buy several core ideas of the story

1) That Henry would intervene in the situation,

2) That Sam would so easily side (and even hug!) his step-father's killer that's he's never met before (even if the guy was a complete schmuck.)  

3) That Dean himself is actually so evil that he'd barter for stolen loot from the neighbors next door.  Hitting his kid is in the realm of possiblility - but that steps over the line into cartoony.

Still, solidly written and clean - so kudos on the OWC!

Eddie,

Pretty slick pages you got here.
I was on board until the thief intervenes.
Maybe I woulda stayed on board if I knew more about Henry.
Are you suggesting that Henry is Sam's father?
That would be a heaping helping of coincidence.

If this was planned, between birth father and son, it could work.
As written, it's motivation feels disjointed.
And the kid slipping the thief a knife was a big leap of logic.
No kid is gonna choose or hug a thief over their stepfather.
Unless the aforementioned is true, just a thought.  

You had me good and proper until the duct tape came out.
Once I had enough time to think about the events, it unraveled for me.
Still, overall, this has tight composition. Kudos.

Thanks for playing, OWCs fail without effort like yours.

Regards,
E.D.

Yeah - this one has a a great initial idea that sadly went nowhere, which is the real problem. The writing itself wasn't bad, it showed real potential, but you seemed to be hinting at things instead of just giving them to us straight. There was too much confusion and ambugity as to what was really what. Just tell us!

This one had a good setup in the beginning, but quickly lost steam.  I thought the thief was going to witness something horrific while he was in the act of stealing, and he was going to have to make a decision of if to tell what he saw and turn himself in, or just ignore it and have it eat at his conscience.

I didn't like the way that the story turned out.  One reason was probably because I was lost during the blocking descriptions.  I had no idea how the houses were set up, and where they were in the house, and how everybody ended up in the kitchen when they were all upstairs first, and how Henry ended up with a knife.  It took me a whole lot of rereading to catch up and get the gist of everything.

The story was budget friendly, but very minimal on action.  Just pretty much a boring one-sided fistfight and then a stabbing.

I don't know if I get the ending or not.  Was Henry supposed to be Sam's real father and it was just a coincidence he was robbing the house next door?  Not too sure if I missed something or not.

The story had a very good premise, beginning, and set up, but was just too confusing to keep me satisfied until the end.

- Mark

Thank you all for your comments and review acumen. Here are my most helpful comments from each of you:

GREG
The other thing I wasn't quite sure of was how the hell Henry got out of the taped chair.
-- Thanks Greg! I did like your positive comments as well.

RYAN
The potential is here for a great story, just got to dig deeper
-- Thanks Ryan! I do seem to be skimming on my writing.

SANDRA
Orienting myself to where they were.
-- Hey Sandra, another thief story.

JORDAN
unfortunately this didn't work for me, the dialog seemed phoney to me, and sam hugging henry at the end did not feel earned, why would he do that?
-- Hey Jordan! I was going for poignant and got something else.

MATTHEW
I also got the idea stuck in my head that Henry was Sam's biological father. If this is true, hint at it more, if not, then the ending comes off as weird.
-- Matthew, it’s weird.

JEFF
Damn, there are a lot of knives just laying around everywhere in this neighborhood!
-- Dreamscale, still picking on my slugs after two years? :/ You’d think I’d have it down.

CM
The open window seemed odd, it's unlikely that a posh house would have an open window, with no screen. And the house was so booty-ladened, it seemed like it was a set-up to catch a thief.
-- CM, just trying to push the story forward by doing stupid stuff. I didn’t realize it was so obvious.

BASKET
As it stands however, I didn't like or feel like rooting for any of the characters (including the kid). Why does the lad hug Henry at the end? Random.
-- BASKET, good word for it.

REUEL
I'm going to agree with others here. That sounds like a cop-out, but I don't want to beat a dead horse. The action is confusing, so are the characters.
-- Reuel, I hear ya.

DKF
It almost felt like you ran out of time and had to wrap it up.
-- DKF, sadly no. I handed it in with 10 hours to go.

CHRIS
Haven't been reading the log lines but this one caught my eye.
-- Hey Chris, thanks for your positive spin.

RAY
With the right crew this becomes a poignant little story
-- Ray, thanks for getting this.

JANET
I just didn't buy several core ideas of the story
-- That’s okay. You weren’t the only one to notice.

E.D.
You had me good and proper until the duct tape came out.
-- Hey Brett, first half good, second half bad.

EOIN
There was too much confusion and ambugity as to what was really what. Just tell us!
-- Eoin, loved this comment! Just do it.

DJS
After giving it some thought, I think the piece might work better if it was the thief roughing up Sam and that his father (?) Dean returned home and was the hero
-- Darren, I like that.

MARK
The story was budget friendly, but very minimal on action. Just pretty much a boring one-sided fistfight and then a stabbing.
-- Damn, boring. This action stuff was a good challenge for me.